I am a firm believer in speaking everything someone wants to do into existence. Suppose people want things to happen in their life besides talking about it. Then, people have to make it happen for themselves with determination and the will to believe in themselves.
Most people believe that things should magically happen for them because of who they are or the type of background they have, but life doesn’t work that way.
We will never understand the value of anything that we haven’t worked for or achieved on our terms.
The most rewarding part about life is achieving something on your terms, and no one can take credit. The person’s hard work is what got them where they are today and that they don’t owe anyone a damn thing for it.
Why do we have to wait for a memorable holiday to be thankful? Anytime God blesses us with the ability or grand to grant us another day.
We should always be grateful without having to wait for a holiday to thank you or give grace to those who are still with us.
2020 has been a nightmare for a Country that knew Or understood that fighting as one is better.
As a country, we find it difficult to be thankful, but I would like to think that besides all the tragedies that we’ve been through, there are little things that we can be grateful for. One of the biggest things I am thankful for is the growing family I had lost, but I also gained new family members.
Most importantly, my mom is still here, so watch her family grow and enjoy the newest part of each of our lives.
I am also grateful for the unforgettable love that I have and don’t want to share, but I’m glad to know there is there even when I think or feel it’s not.
I am grateful that 2020 has allowed me to push myself to be me, whether you love me or hate me.
It’s challenging to be grateful for all the tragedies we have been through, but we should find small things to be thankful for, like family friends, helping those who drive us crazy, but we can’t see ourselves. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Impossible; that's how I see my life right now because of the many obstacles I have had to overcome this past year alone.
I had to overcome being someone’s leftover by showing myself how much I am worth as a woman and putting myself first.
By putting myself first, everyone who was important in my life is now taking a back seat to me and my happiness.
Everything in my life seemed impossible because I was always worried about making others happy and not myself.
After all, I always thought that my true happiness was making others happy. The reality is a different story, yeah I was making all of them happy, but I was thinking about myself in the process.
A song brings a smile to my face. Past thoughts of you can make me uncontrollably or make me relive a moment in my head. A specific scent of his can place me back to the last time I was in his arms, feeling like a little girl. Photography helps me relive those moments I could only wish to be living with him, but for one reason or another, it’s just not that simple anymore.
Don’t judge. Don’t point. Don’t speak. The only time people should speak on anything that has nothing to do with them is because either they have walked a mile in your shoes before, and they are coming from the best place in their heart to warn people from going through what they have gotten through themselves.
We are not living in a country where we should tear each other apart; we should be together as a unit to make this country safe once again and people to start trust each other again. But, no, we are busy tearing each other apart because we have nothing else better to do in this challenging time that our country is under.
Speak only when spoken to and the truth; people don’t have to assume what others have heard. Even if what people heard is right, they should not be the ones to put it out there, so others have a chance to pass judgment. The only one that can influence decisions who knows the truth is God himself.
She is not hiding. She is not being manipulated. Her truth is simple She doesn’t want to be judged by anyone but the higher power, which is God, because he sees everything from where he is, and he is the only one with authority to judge.
People hide when they areashamed of something that has gone wrong in their lives, and many things have gone wrong in her life, but she has always faced them head-on and headstrong because She is not ashamed regardless of what people might say behind her back.
Social media has its good things as well as bad things.
One of the good things about social media is that everyone can stay connected; The world has found a way to make social media work for people as a source of income.
Social media’s downfall is that anyone can become who they want to be behind a screen and say what they want because it’s behind a screen.
Everyone who has ever been on social media has dealt with those who become brave behind social media and feel the need to say whatever’s on their mind without thinking about the consequences of their words and who they are affecting.
Social media has become a platform for many bullies. Those are people who have too much time on their hands or suffer from their insecurities and tried to pass it on to others by making others feel worthless about themselves.
We cannot allow others to pass on their insecurities to us. The only way we can pick up ourselves back from those insecure people is by showing them how strong we are by not lowering our standards.
Addiction darkness loneliness withdrawn from the world. When things fall apart, so do you. Trying to speak, but no one is listening. Ashamed. I was embarrassed because everyone’s moving, and I’m standing still, just watching and wishing it was me. Men have been programmed not to show emotions because showing emotion is a sign of weakness. Men are supposed to be strong and protectors. We as women also have to remember men have a fragile ego, and we have to let them know it’s OK to break down when they need to; they don’t have to be superheroes all the time.
I always believe in things that are better unsaid if no one has anything good to say. That’s why I have never bothered to say anything because I’m not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings. Fuck it; this needs to come out because I’m just choking & there are times I want to hang myself for the stupid shit I keep doing to myself. But, I have opened myself up to a stranger & because I have allowed myself to be like a book, we have managed to become friends.
Anytime I have needed a shoulder to cry upon, he has been that shoulder.
Upon meeting him, I lived in a bubble that sheltered me away from the world I didn’t know existed. With time & patience, he made me feel safe enough to venture out of my bubble to learn how to live in the real world. I thank him for showing me the real world, but I always thought he would still hold my hand no matter what, but I guess I was wrong.
Our friendship or relationship, whatever people would like to see us, was never perfect, but it was ours to keep safe & to go on.
Then a year ago, our undefined relationship became physical, which was great for me because it had been a while since I had been touch by a man the way he did. I also understand that no relationship would come out of me just sleeping with him & I was okay with that because I did not give myself any false hope on the type of relationship I had with him. If any time of involvement were to be it would have been
He pushed her into someone else arms. She finds those things that never came through him but someone else. She finds that laughter that she never thought she could ever get back. She finds the peace that she would ask for every day. She finds it more comfortable to breathe because she no longer has to feel the weight of someone else for the first time in her life. She has also felt comfortable enough to be herself with herself. She finds that safety blanket. Most importantly, she finds a friend. Even though everything she was able to find never replaced who she wanted those things.
I’m alone in more than one. I’m alone in the sense that I feel crazy trapped in my feels. Anytime I open up my mouth, it turns into a battlefield of everything that comes out of my mouth. I’m alone even though I come from a large and what is supposed to be a caring family. I feel the only time they care is when they want to point out my mistakes or stick their nose where it doesn’t belong, making me feel incapable of thinking for myself. I’m alone because no one has bothered to know me with all my flaws and still find it within themselves to say I love you. I understand for anyone to know I have to be transparent with me, but at this point, I’m like, for what, it’s a little too late. There was this one person I thought I could trust because the conversations were so easy flowing that I became so blinded with trust. But, once again, I was proving I can’t and shouldn’t trust even my damn shadow. I’m alone, and sometimes I wish I was not because the bag of loneliness gets too heavy for me to carry.
Invisible unseen unwanted unexpected unspoken unheard unloved undesirable misunderstood These are all the walls that help me build up the many barriers that hold me up, but I’m hoping that I can break down those walls to see myself one day. Look at me.
If we try to live as transparent as possible, we must understand what transparency is all about; what other things are true. My truth is this I’ve always felt like I’ve never been late or wanted unless I will give me something back in return to be warranted or to be needed; other than that, people never gave me a second thought. This whole year has been a journey for me; some fantastic moments, others not so unique in those not memorable moments, have taught me to see people for who they are. No matter what I do to try and be a part of them, I’m never going to be a part of them because I’m just me and have to be good enough for me; love is the only real when it comes without condition or rules.
Don’t look for me because I might be lonely.
Don’t look for me because you finally got a conscience, and you want to make yourself look good, pretending to love and care about me.
Don’t look for me because we have the same bloodline running through our veins. The same heritage does not mean anything anymore because if you did, you would see my pain without me telling you that I’m hurt, and I feel abandoned by those who are supposed to love me for who I am. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
It’s natural to break someone’s heart. The challenging part of dealing with someone who has been torn apart is knowing that you were The Who broke it. I’m left wondering how I can make him whole again when I’m still struggling with putting myself back together because if he wants to take any responsibility for anything, I’m broken too. I broke us by not being able to be transparent with him. Being transparent means being vulnerable, and I hate being seen as a weak person; I have always been the one to protect my heart from any harm because no one knows better what my heart needs but for me. I know honesty is the main focus of any relationship. I have always felt the absolute need for anyone to know about our past. My past defined if we would be in a relationship. I don’t believe it would have, but I will never know because I could not and did not want to be that open book he wanted me to be. I wanted to focus on the now and not the past. I lied because I felt the need to protect myself. By lying, I broke him, and I broke whatever future we could have. I hope that he can be whole again with this time apart because no one deserves to be broke but love.
I finally did to myself; my life has ended; I’ve overdosed. No, not on coke, crack, or even ecstasy. I overdosed on love, or at least what I thought was love, but it was nothing more than a desire or feeling. The feeling of being in love, and the desire to be loved, that’s what killed me! I overdosed, thinking I had enough self-control to realize when I had enough of this lousy drug that had me under its control.
But then, I did not care how bad things got; I just wanted enough so that I wouldn’t feel empty inside.
Cleaning leads us to find things that we probably never thought of finding until I found myself cleaning.
It took 11 years to findthe papers that were supposed to be my forever but became a lesson learnedthat did not come out of a princess book.
Princess books have stories of love, honor & respect that are always there no matter what happens.
Finding my marriage license was like seeing a ghost that showed up with no warming but, after the shock wore off, I could not help myself and go back to that day full of nerves and Happiness, Happiness because for once, I was doing something for me and no one else.
That day represented so much for me like I stopped being the girlfriend and crazy enough became his wife.
Then reality came knocking, and that was marriage was not all about the papers but more about hard work that he and I were clueless about.
I was genuinely naïve and thought we were going to be forever.
When secretly, I was just in love with the idea of being in love.
She played into his hands like a game of blackjack.
She was desperate to know if he would not be like everyone she has shared in her life.
He knows all the right things that will get her heart without making any significant moves.
Every little girl or women dream about what the perfect relationship and marriage should be in their eyes; that’s how he was able to play her heart like a guitar.
Now she sits back, wondering how or why he would play her like a musical instrument if he never made her his first lady.
It’s easier to sit around and blame him for her heart, not playing the romantic melodies.
Her heart has been looking to play for years. But, she has to look at the hand she has been playing and. Realize her side has been all wrong since the beginning of the game.
Only because she is wishing and dreaming about him being everything she desires he should be.
When in reality, she should be molding herself to be the right person to herself. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
7 PM in my bed watching a movie million and one thought running through my head. I can’t make sense of one single thought that is running through my head. Today marks a historical moment in my life, and that was the day my unwanted divorce was finalized because one night, I decided to explore like a Volcano.
Finalizing things between the two of us never made the pain any easier for him and me, but it did help me realize that one night my life could change in a heartbeat without anyone excepting how much or little. Finalizing things made me not ready to deal with so much more natural stuff.
The only thing I can take away from finalizing the day was that I’m stronger than I ever gave myself credit. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
A piece of paper is just a piece of paper with no words, but anytime I find myself with a bit of paper in my hand, I can see myself in every single word I use because every word I use describes some part of me.
Trust is an essential piece of any relationship people can have with each other.
A relationship needs a base to stand on; no support means no foundation to hold it up to build as a united.
When building a relationship, no piece of the foundation can be missing because no one will feel safe doing a simple walkthrough.
Feeling wrong about what anyone has to say about me should no longer make me feel bad about myself since I have heard bad things about myself since I can remember.
It’s not new stuff. It is the usual something like, damn, she means or why she has to ask me instead of someone else?
When people say that I am mean or even call me out of my name, it hurts but, I believe what gets to me the most is when people try to make it seem like I rather bother them than get off my ass and do things myself.
I wish I could tell them you fuck off, and you should try to rely on someone 24 hours, seven days a week, and have the same person that you depend on, making you feel like shit just because they can.
The rule of life is no one should bite the hands that feed you, but, in my case, I shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds me or helps me with my daily life task. So I don’t say anything.
I swallow things like garbage disposal, hoping that one day I can forget things.
The sad thing is no matter how much I try to tell people that they have hurt me, they will never get it because they have no idea what it is like to live trapped in their bodies.
I felt things that I never thought I could feel again. The best feeling I have been able to feel in a long time is that school girl crush. I could smile without someone making me feel like I should not be. Texting for hours gave me a reason never to go to sleep because the moment I allowed my eyes to close, I would miss something that could be important. Worked days seem longer than ever. I could not wait to see messages that would bring butterflies to my stomach.
Even with all the beautiful things that he has made me feel incredibly unique, unforgettable came a lot of resentment and many unsolved problems that always have a way of sneaking in but never sneaking back out.
I’m not trying to question his motives, but I can’t help myself. Doubting myself in and doubting someone who wanted me has always been easy. The most challenging part of getting close to someone is not feeling like someone’s experiments or a charity case. I’ve been through such difficult times in my life; that’s why everyone around me is questionable, including myself, because I’m not sure if they accept me for me or not. So secretly, I’m not sure if I allow myself or stop looking at myself like in experiments because that’s how everyone has ever treated me. I want to allow him into my life without the fear of feeling like it will blow up in my face again. I know better than to judge people because people are always judging me, but it’s tough not to sit back and think of all the negative things that have to me. I know it’s easier to fear the unknown than to worry about what she knows. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Every pain is different. I’m in so much pain I can’t, and I won’t name it. Besides the pain, I feel right now, and I think so, I’m so unlucky. I am unlucky because I sit on the sidelines, watching everyone around me find or be in love with those who love them. I was sitting on the sidelines, wondering when, how, or why is it not me? I don’t envy anyone who is or who is looking for love. The number one relationship she has always worked on is the one she can hold with herself. She can’t hold a relationship with anyone if she can save the most important relationship with herself.
A bad day just because it was only one of those days. Then I believe god plackets my lost & found in my hands to take me back to the happiest moments.
Many people, including myself, have been caught out there saying there is no time to look back, always look forward but, I could not help myself and go through my lost and found.
Going through those things made me realize that I have lost my smile and my playfulness side.
Everything that I found was magical because I could place myself back to where, when, and how of each moment that happened.
I want to be that fearless female that I found in those cards and letters. That Erika that was loved unconditionally and I loved so hard it felt like Bonnie and Clyde nothing could break them but, truthfully, life happened, so things slowly disappear.
God works in mysterious ways. All I can say is thank you.
I never quit on you because quitting on you would have been like leaving myself. I have never been a quitter. I’m too strong of a person to quit. I also know when it’s time to let go.
She never thought she would lose people she thought were her friends over a man but the lack of respect between people.
When we tend to lose our Friendships is because things begin to change within that friendship or relationship.
To put in black and white people grow apart and have no room in what is supposed to be your new happy life.
We are supposed to keep it accurate with our girlfriends without being disrespectful to our girlfriends or partner.
As women, we need to understand we don’t have to get along with whoever our friends are dating. Yes, girlfriends have the right to look out for each other but, the thing is, let’s do it in a respectful way that would not put a strain on the friendship.
Your friends don’t have to like your partner but need to try and respect who that person represents in your life.
Understanding the first real relationship anyone should have is with themselves. The reason is that we can define real love in ourselves, so when someone else decides to join our lives, we don’t get stuck encompassing love through them.
Self_love has the strength to put ourselves first and know that everything will be okay with the people around us if we stop catering, and they learn how to become self-sufficient.
Value who we are before demand anyone else to value who we are or who we are becoming.
RESPECT HONESTY LOYALTY
JUST LOVING US & NOT CHANGING TO PLEASE ANYONE ELSE BUT WHO WE ARE IS SELF-LOVE.
Saying that she doesn’t care about me would be very unfair because I have seen with my own eyes what she has given up for me.
I have to be honest with myself and her. She has made me feel like I can’t get anything done for myself if she is not by my side.
That’s far from the truth because I believe in myself like I would love for her to believe in me.
For once, I don’t want her to see my chair or my physical limitations; I need her to see me as a person first.
As a person, I know right from wrong, and I also know that life is not easy for anyone to live, but it’s extra challenging because of my disability.
I understand that I am not considered typical for many people out in the real world. & I shouldn’t want my independence from my family, but I guess what I have struggled with most in life is not being seen or heard by the person who has had the strength to bring me into this crazy world.
I have always accepted the unexpected from strangers, but my mom is strict because I have seen her push my other siblings to want a better life.
As much as my disability plays such a big part in my day-to-day life, I would one day look behind me & see her push me to succeed in my own life & become that independent woman striving to be.
My limitations need to stop being seen as a life sentence and my motivation to show myself that anything is possible as long as I believe in who I am.
Humble Humility Gratitude Unconditional Love Unselfish putting my needs before her own. Having the feeling like superwoman, even if that means dragging herself to care for me when I understand that she should not be caring for me anymore, I should be making sure that she is being taken care of as the queen that she is. I know that she has always tried to show me that no matter what, she would always be my #1, but I never truly understood that until our relationship of her being my caregiver completely changed.
We always struggled to have that mother-daughter relationship. I have always felt like my mom has never seen me as me. My mother instead continues to see me as her disabled daughter. She is on this earth to protect. So I struggled to understand that she is a mom who wants more for her offspring than she could have, had for herself as a mom.
I want to raise a daughter to believe in herself. I want to raise a daughter to know she can be whatever she wants to be as long as she puts her mind to it. I want to raise a daughter to understand that being a female is incredible. I want to raise a strong daughter. I want to raise a daughter who understands that her self-worth doesn’t mean laying on her back. I want to raise a daughter to know that her body is a temple, and not everyone deserves it. I want to raise a daughter who knows that she does not need a man to define her. I want to raise a daughter who knows how she is powerful because she is a woman.
It’s crazy; it doesn’t matter how old I get or how much time passes; her words always seem to affect me in the worst way possible. I had a bizarre awakening moment today. That moment was that no matter how much time goes by, I’m always going to be the target that she shoots that I don’t know or understand the purpose of her shooting at me, but the fact that she able to do it and it still affects me it drives me crazy.
The second moment of clarity that I had today was that you should never tell your child specific things, no matter how old your child gets. No matter how upset you might be or the pain your body might be going through.
As a child and now as an adult, it’s tough for me to believe those words that flow out of her Mouth.
When she gets every chance, she must remind me that her body is breaking down because of all the things she had to do to take care of me as far as lifting, bringing up, and down four flights of stairs so I may go to school every day.
Many people reading this piece might not believe that I am grateful for a superwoman. I know how lucky I am that she chose to have me, but I can’t help and question how doesn’t she ever want me to feel like a burden When the words that come out of her Mouth make me feel more than just a commitment to her and everyone else around me?
There are certain things that, as a mom, I could never tell my child, like my body is the way it is because I gave my very best to you, and now I can’t function well enough to do my everyday task. I’ve been in many pieces before. I never chose to be here; that was A conscious decision that she took upon herself; if it were up to me, I probably would’ve decided not to help me, but she did, so why should I be blamed for something that I have no control over and she knows this.
I have never felt like a blessing but a burden To her.
Who is going to speak for that little girl who has no voice? Who will make that little girl feel like she belongs no matter what anybody else might have to say? Who will protect and keep this little girl safe? Who is going to teach that little girl she is enough? The only way a little girl will understand she is enough is when we take it upon ourselves as a unit to build that little girl up to understand the powerful human being she is; the main reason is powerful is that she has a voice that matters.
As moms of little girls, we have the right to teach them how to love themselves, respect themselves and their bodies. Little girls always want to feel loved and wanted, and one of those ways we can teach them to love themselves is by reminding them every day that they’re beautiful, powerful and trustworthy, and independent.
Let’s stand in front of a mirror with our daughters and repeat every day how beautiful and intelligent they are and how loved they are no matter what, no matter who they are.
I wish I could speak to her without getting upset, but I just can’t because of all the things that come out of her mouth.
My whole body feels like it’s on fire, and that’s why anytime I begin to talk, it sounds like I’m fighting.
I’m not trying to compete with the woman who has given up her youth to make sure I had the chance to live.
I know I should think about how or what I will say to her before saying things that could break a mother’s heart.
A mother who has forgotten about herself to become the best mom she could be to all her children.
My mom is the iron fist that keeps us together as one & the day God calls her to be with him; I’m seriously going to feel it the most because I know I’m no longer going to have her here asking me 50 times a day if I had something to eat or to treat me like baby me when I’m sick.
I understand the biggest reason I could see my 35 years of life is that I have a superwoman as my mom, and I genuinely thank God every day for my super mom.
I find myself frustrated with her in the same breath because I feel like I don’t have the proper communication to tell her what I would love out of life but, most importantly, what I would enjoy out of myself as a person.
The main thing I would like for myself is to find my strengths and weaknesses and understand that I’m so much more than just the limitations my disability has placed in my life.
I feel the only way I can discover these things is if I break away from her.
Knowing that I get my strength from you because you have shown me there is no time to be weak.
Knowing that I find the most comfort when I can put my soul & heart on paper.
It’s also about no longer being a burner to her & also giving her life back to enjoy what’s left of her life before it’s too late.
Knowing that I am trying to find my independence from her will not lay in a man’s arms.
It’s about having something that’s mine & no one else has a voice in that place but for me.
Knowing me is knowing that she is my everything, and even though I struggle, showing her that she is the most important person to me.
I would love to show her beyond words how important & grateful I’m to her.
I feel the only way I can show her just how important she is to me is by showing her that I can stand on my own two feet & there is no need for her to worry about me if something were to happen to her because she got a chance to see me put things together for myself.
She knew that I use to live in fear of saying & doing things I wanted to do for myself because I was not too fond of the world judging me.
As I start to live for myself, I learned that I have the right to decide for myself, and no one else has the right to judge me. God is the only one who can pass judgment on what I might want to do with my life.
People would say that the hardest thing for any woman is knowing that something is growing and moving inside.
It has been a fantastic experience to feel that a piece of her moves inside of her, letting her mom know that she is very much alive and ready to take this crazy journey together.
The tricky part of this journey is if She can go through this journey simply because she knows that she wants more than she can give this little person living inside her. Feeling every movement is a gift.
What makes these precious moments more difficult is knowing that she has to make a decision that no one should make in their lifetime, but it needs to be done because the most important decision she needs and not what she wants.
Your heartbeat is proper to undermine. You are a little mini-me, and you were conceived, love. I don’t want you to ever feel like giving up; you were my first and easiest thought. That is so far from the truth if I could have kept you inside my belly instead of placing you in strangers’ arms.
Please understand that I did what was best for you, and if you no longer being in my arms, you have a better life without me; it breaks me, but it also puts a smile on my face because I was able to be unselfish and free you.
Love comes in different ways, and giving a better life to those we love is the best way to show unconditional love.
It’s been a minute since I have put my thoughts on paper or my laptop because the best writing is when I can feel it and make others feel what I’m going through.
Here I’m pouring out my heart again.
My mother feels like I’m ungrateful for everything she does for me or that I don’t understand that one day God will call her up to his kingdom to become one of his Angel that my life wouldn’t be the same.
Yes, I have older siblings who love me dearly, but nothing is like a mother loving her child.
She is the one who gets up with me when I am not feeling well.
She is the one that dirty her hands are wiping my ass when no one else is willing to because to everyone else, that’s just nasty to clean someone else ass, but to her, it’s like second nature.
She has become my full-time aid when the aids don’t show up or when they do show up, and they realize they can’t do the job for whatever reason.
Here she comes to save the day without a second thought, just like any mom helping their child.
How can she think I am not grateful? I am just not the type of person who does not voice my opinion or agree with everything she says only because, without her, my day-to-day becomes too complete hold.
My mom has given up her own life, but not only that, but she has also given up the chance of having her personal life too.
I’m blessed to have such a strong mom, just like a rock, but having her as a foundation comes with more weight than I would like.
I’m not perfect, and I’m not trying to be.
I don’t mind rocking the many different boats I may have in my life. I don’t mind fighting.
I know I can be disrespectful at times by what I say and how I say things, but if I could be honest, the only thing I should apologize for is how I say something.
What I’m not going to do is apologize for is my feelings or speaking up for myself.
I know she feels that I should say yes to everything that comes out of her mouth or disrespectfully talk to her as I do because she has sacrificed so much already.
The knowledge that she has made sacrifices.
I will probably sound like a real bitch right now, but with all the sacrifices she has made for me, I had no idea she was making them, and I didn’t ask her to make them.
So why should I have her sacrifices over my head? Anytime I open my mouth. I understand that God is the only one who knows what my life could have been if she hadn’t made those sacrifices.
All I’m saying is that I’m tired of hearing that I need to be grateful to her because she has given up her youth.
She madethat choice to have me, and no, I am not trying to say that just because she chooses to have me doesn’t mean she should put up with my disrespectful ass. I’m trying to say that we all make a choice that might seem right at the time for us; at the time doesn’t always mean it’s going to stay the same all the way through. I’m grateful that she had me, but how much longer must I hear that she has given up so much for me?
Giving my room a makeover isn’t going to help me emotionally.
Yeah, my room would look beautiful because it does need a facelift.
It’s funny how she can come out of her face and says that she is disappointed in me, but what about the disappointment I hold inside about how I feel like a broken doll that she has not been allowed to think for herself.
I don’t get me started on how they make me feel. I’m just a piece of furniture that when people feel like it, they come by and say hello.
When I speak to outsiders, they tell me maybe if I should try a little hard to connect with the people I call my family, I agree, but then I begin thinking about all the ugly things I have heard them say about me.
Things like I’m not trustworthy; big mouth bitch lair your part of this family; no one likes you, and your dull.
It’s funny when she says that she is disappointed in me and that she has yet to see me as a woman but struggles with the thought of womanhood with me because of my disability.
The little ways I have made for myself have been behind her back because I always felt like she has put God’s fear.
, After all, she has never wanted me to have the same outcomes as my older siblings.
If I can be truthful, I would have to say that I have a lot more difficult because I can’t sit and have a conversation with her without her barking at me before completing my first sentence. Also, she has never been affectionate towards me.
I have struggled in my relationship with men because I don’t have a positive relationship with her regarding trust and being honest with people.
I don’t even know if she knows that I have had a sexual relationship because she has never bothered to have sex talk with me. Probably because of the broken doll that I’m, I should not be sexually active.
I’m disappointed in myself because I’m almost 39 years old. I’m still living at home, trying to find my way through life and how to make a name for myself. I was disappointed because I’m not where I would like to be; instead of making over my room, why not just support me because you believe me.
(I have no idea what it’s like to be a single mom, but I feel like they need recognition for all their hard work and sacrifice.)
A mother’s job begins when she decides that she is ready to share her life with another human being grown inside of her—not knowing that they will be growing together and fighting together.
It’s effortless to make a baby; the difficult part is knowing that you’re in this alone because the person you decided to have a child with doesn’t feel the need to share the responsibilities with you.
The job of a single mother never ends. Being the mother and father is the most challenging job because we must play both roles simultaneously. We can’t force men to become fathers if they don’t want to and if they can’t realize that the gifts that God has given them are the best gift they can ever receive from God. That’s why, as women, we all have to be careful of who we choose to share ourselves with and want to become parents with because the kids are the ones that suffer.
As single mothers, we have to become superwomen. After all, we don’t have time to break or think about anything else but need and then one because we have to make up for what they’re losing by not having a male figure in their lives.
This last part is for the men who believe that making a baby makes them a father. I hate to break it to you just because you can make a baby does not make you a man; what makes a man is the one that sticks around to watch his children grow up and become something better than their fathers.
That’s why I believe God gave the gift of bearing children to women because he gave us the strength and the power in the knowledge to become mothers and fathers.
I am not a parent, but I am struggling to let go because I am the baby of my family, and most importantly, I have nothing but limitations that my disability places on my everyday life.
I understand that it is difficult for a parent to see their children leave the nest for a parent, but it’s part of growing up and becoming responsible adults in the world.
I believe that it is extra challenging for my mother to think that I would want to leave her because she has poured her heart and soul into me. After all, she knew that I did not have a fighting chance to live the life I have today without her.
I know that she believes that I don’t understand everything she has given up to raise me, and I know more than she thinks.
I understand that she has given up her own life so I could always be cared for like only a mother knows to care for their child but watching for me the way she has cared for me throughout my life has left me feeling smothered and wanting my wings so I may fly on my own.
Being my mom is a 24 hour day job, with no vacation time and no one else to give you a break if you need it. So I don’t make her job any more manageable. After all, I am willing to tell her off in a minute because no one else would understand my frustration when it comes to not caring for myself the way I would like.
I know that she gave me life, and she deserves all the respect in the world because I only have one mother, and she has given me all of her without a second thought of what that would mean for her life.
One of the things I am struggling with right now is her not understanding why I would like to be on my own or feeling ungrateful for everything she has given up.
I want to be on my own, I believe my disability should not stop me from deserving of my own life, and this is the only way I will find out what I was made up as a disabled person.
After 32 years of caring for me, she gets her life back, and she is free to do things that she has wanted to do but, because of me, she has turned away from those things.
I want her to live for herself and realize that she has been my biggest and best blessing in life, no matter where I might end up.
The biggest challenge I have for myself is knowing that nobody Else’s opinion matters but my own.
No one else’s opinion should matter because I am the one that has to live with my decisions; no one else does, and no one else has to understand why I made the decisions I made.
Having the ability to listen to other peoples’ opinions is great, but making up your mind is the best thing you can do because no one else will have your best interest at heart but yourself.
If anyone is going to live for anyone, you should live for yourself, no one else.
Whether Your decision is something people agree with or disagree with, it’s your life.
People change in many ways because they go through those changes; two things can happen; people can grow together or grow apart. Some growth has to happen within ourselves, so we may know what kind of direction our lives should be taking. Change is letting go of those things and even those who stunt growth as people because they feel like they can.
Don’t stunt my growth because you don’t want to see a better me.
Don’t stunt my growth because you want to be the only person to bring something to the table.
Don’t stunt my growth because you are scared of the person I can become without you.
Don’t stunt my growth because you fear my success.
Growth is significant to those who need to learn about themselves Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Today was one of those days people can & should only dream about in my mind.
It was amazing In incredible Unforgettable I lived every moment for what it was & not worry about tomorrow like most people choose to live. All eyes are on me because of me & my dreams.
Dreams come true as long as I choose to believe in & those who choose not to believe in me give me the strength to keep going for what I want. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Damn, I am 38 years old, and I am not usually the one that handles it that this damn wheelchair or the fact that you had to give up your own life to take care of me because my damn disability won’t allow me to be as independent as I would love to be.
Yes, I am indeed in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, and honestly, I am good with that because that’s the hand god dealt us. She gave up her life so I could have a chance at having my own life.
A list of things that she does for me
1.she gets me out of bed every day
she has to wash my ass because I can’t do it myself.
She has dirty her own hands wipe my ass with the same hands that prepare my food every day.
She is the one that waits up when I get home late from being out all night.
It doesn’t matter what time of the night I need to be changed; she will drag herself out of bed because she has always said I’m her crossed. Her well-known cross carries with me until she is no longer her but with her heavenly to be home to be with our father.
I’m grateful for everything that she has done or given up on me. Although, sometimes, it might not seem that way because the things that have come out of my mouth are genuinely disrespectful.
I know there are better ways of communication, but I have not learned those skills yet.
I also understand that she hates when people hurt or try to hurt me, but I am grown.
She needs to start looking at me as a woman and not as a helpless little girl who will always need to help for the rest of her life.
Yes, it corrects that I am going to need someone to care for me.
We made it to 38 despite the disability, which is an accomplishment in itself. We made liars out of those doctors when they would say no, and God said yes; that should be an important reason she should be honored to see me as a woman because not one of us should be here to tell the story. Thirty-eight years later, and we still have more stories to tell. My wheelchair has never stopped me from having a personal life, so why should I have the power to prevent signs on my life when I have never allowed my chair to speak for me?
My chair has never been a stop sign, so I may have a relationship with whoever I choose to have in my life. However, I have never asked anyone to like who I was dating or pretend just for me.
All I have ever asked for is respect for who I am, and who I am is a woman that has not been perfect and has been caught in many lies because of my own doing. This chair does not make me less than any woman who is walking on two good legs. The chair is never going to go. Neither is the fact that I am no longer a little girl but a grown woman. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I was born this way. Just because I look different does not mean anyone has the right to bully me. I believe that God made me different because he knew I was unique Maybe I was born this way because I’m supposed to teach others; it’s the best thing in the world when we don’t look like everyone else in the world.
Please don't bully me at all.
I ask you to get to know me before passing judgment, and hopefully, by doing so, I hope you all realize I'm not that different from anyone else.
I was born this way because I’m special, and knowing that I’m unique, I refuse to hide in the shadows. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
She never thought she would ever hear the heartbeat of the little miracle growing inside of her. Her body never worked well enough to know if she would ever have a little one that I could look just like her. The only time she felt like her body would not fail her was when she placed all her worries and insecurity into God’s hands. Yes, we indeed want what we want and when we want. But we can’t go around questioning his actions. If we question actions, that means that our faith within him is a question as well.
The moment she gave up the control, he was able to bless her with the most fantastic gift of life. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I am hiding myself to please others who have nothing or have never had anything to do with my life. It makes me angry that there are so many people against me when I have done nothing but forget about myself as a person so I may have the chance to be there for those I thought could be there for me one day. Fake ass bitches try to live my life just because they have nothing better to do with their own lives.
It breaks my heart to know that I can give so much of myself to people & those same people can turn around & talk shit about me like if I was trash.
When I know the type of person I’m & who I was to be. I remember when someone needs a helping hand, I should try my best to help because tomorrow, I may be the one to require that helping hand I once gave out.
A smiling face is not a face that anyone should trust because those who smile on our faces are quick to make the most significant & sharpest knife & stabs right in the back without a blink.
What hurts me the most is that these fake ass bitches win again because they got me to trust & believe in them by saying things like no matter what happens, I’m here for you & stupid I fell for those words because I always worry about being accepted.
I must remind myself that I need to stop waiting for people to show me love, when I love myself.
Judge me when you have become a god. Judge me when you have walked a mile in my shoes. Judge me when you have facts, not on things you have made up in the head.
I might not be your flavor, but I have been that flavor that many have enjoyed in their lifetime. I might look impossible to you, but that’s because you don’t have the brainpower to figure out how many other ways you could have pleased me; I guess the dick brain is a lot more powerful than the mind that you were supposed to be born.
People should not hate the body that they have blessed. If anyone wants to hate me, hate that I don’t throw my body on anyone. I respect myself enough to know if anyone wants to see my pussy; it needs to be earned, not just given because you throw attention around.
Attention doesn’t using the phrase I love you, for anyone to unwrap my gift. Attention means feeding my mind, soul, and then my body. Be mad at yourself for not having or wanting the capability to get to know you as a person.
Judge me on the fact that I’m not comfortable. Judge me that I don’t fall for everything because that means I could fall anything. Judge me that I don’t have to settle for people who see me as an object but as a person.
Hating our bodies is wrong because we have always been made to believe that our bodies are our temple. Yes, I agree that my body is a temple, so I should respect it; maybe if I had a somewhat working body where I may do more things independently away from getting assistance all the time. Then maybe I would care a little more about my body the way I should. But, damn, here I go again crying over something no one else or I have control over & that’s my body. I would like to have control over something without asking for help when it comes to my body. The change goes hand & hand me one day to help myself with little or no assistance from others. It sounds like a dream come true when I find myself thinking & speaking so positively. But that’s not my reality because it’s not my life at all. My life right now is feeling stuck in the wrong body & there is nothing I can do to change that. I need to stop being angry with my body.
I’ve never claimed to be a professional writer, but I love what I do because it gives me an outlet, as I said in my previous videos. Maybe some of the things I talk about making people uncomfortable, or they might find it funny and ask themselves why I would talk about it online.
I’m not going to shame myself for anything I want to speak about on my blog. My blog has been a space for me to share my feelings and the things I live every day in my life. I made a conscious decision to share my life on my blog, knowing that some people would be uncomfortable with the things I speak. Still, I am so far from trying to make people feel comfortable with the things I write about and what I want to talk .I’m never going to apologize for being me and being raw and honest. What I talk about on my blog is real, so I’m going to be unapologetic for what I say. I’m not ashamed of talking about sex people have sex all the time and with whoever they want to, so why should I be ashamed of talking about not being fuckable or fuckable, for that matter.
I’m a woman just like any other woman; the only thing is that I use a chair to get around in the world while everyone else gets around on two legs, and I get my ass wiped by other people. But, of course, others can clean their ass; that’s why people can’t imagine me being sexually active. Still, I hate to shock people. I have been sexually active before in my life, so I don’t understand why I can’t talk about sex when I have been sexually active. Is the reason why I can’t speak about it because I’m doing it on a public platform that everyone can see what I’m talking I know what I signed up for in one of my videos when I decide to put a blog together. I understood that not many people would be comfortable with a particular constant I would put up like sex, but I’m not here to make anyone comfortable I’m here to speak my truth and share my story and share my life. So whether people agree with it or not, I’m not going to apologize for being raw and honest. My blog does not have to be everybody’s cup of tea, but it is what it is, and I am who I am. I’m a woman with a lot of needs. One of those is sexual needs.
When I write is because I feel the need to get my feelings out, and the fact that I choose to share on the blog is because I want people to see and relate to me on a whole different level besides me being the girl in the wheelchair that has nothing else better to do with her time.
What I would love for people to take away from my blog is I have a physical disability. However, I will never allow my disability to define who I am and how far I get in life because of it.
If people asked me how I see myself, I would have to say I see myself as a human being; my skin color should not define.
It’s sad and difficult to believe that as a country, we are still being looked at by the color of our skin and nothing more, and what’s even worse is that sometimes even the color of your skin doesn’t matter.
What matters is someone needs to get the job done, and as long as it gets done, no lives matter.
Wrong is wrong no matter how anyone tries to paint it; it’s wrong to be looked at just by someone’s skin color and not being looked at as a human being but as an animal because of the color of your skin.
We as a country have fought long and hard, so we as people could and would not be looked down on upon our skin color or because we are minorities in this country.
It seems as if we have forgotten the struggles that we have gone through to be seen as human beings and nothing more because now we are seriously digressing back to colorism instead of just being human beings to one another.
Color is not who I am. Color only covers my body, but it does not define who I am or who I should be in this world. My color means strength, not discrimination.
I want to love. I want to make sure that you will be there to catch me if I fall in love. When we take the chance to fall in love, there’s no guarantee that there will be someone there to catch you when you fall, but when you have suffered so many heartbreaks, People begin to look for some validation that they’re not alone in falling in love. Nothing in life has been guaranteed, but we have to be willing to fake until we find a way to make it. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I wish I could run, but where would I hide. I would love to hide from my heart because my heart has the bad habit of playing tricks on me. I don’t want tricks because it’s difficult to see the magic in love when love has a hard time showing its true self to me to give my all to love. It’s terrifying to know the love has so much power over people, but it’s so rewarding to know that someone out there is willing to take the same adventure that you are as long as we do it fearlessly and with no doubt. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
The heart has a mind of its own & no one should ever go against whatever the heart might feel because the heart wants what it wants.
We as people hate being controlled by things & people &; her heart is no exception.
Her head is quick to say no more like nothing, but the real battle is with the heart that struggles to see or feel anything without him.
She feels that without him once again, she will become invisible also because all that she was is now all about him. She gave her all, not knowing that she would be left alone to figure out who she was without this relationship or this person she lost herself.
An equal playing relationship will never allow either party to lose who they are & the things that they have brought into this relationship. The minute anyone begins to disregard who they are, it’s no longer an equal relationship.
These are all the feelings that I feel anytime I feel ignored by anyone around me, or maybe it’s just all in my head.
I’m not looking for sympathy or pity, but I want some acknowledgment that I’m here.
Maybe it’s my fault for feeling how I do because I haven’t allowed anyone to get close to me, or I open up to people as I should. I have always been scared to open up pandora’s boxes because people have always try to tell me how I should feel and think instead of listening to me.
Everyone has their own opinion about me and things that have happened in my life.
I feel unseen as always more comfortable than being surrounded by people that have made me feel like I should not even be a part of them in any way, shape, or form.
Unwanted, because I've always been the black sheep that has never followed the rules.
Unloved because no one can take a minute away from their little world to notice that I’m rolling around like a zombie.
Unneeded because people know how to make me feel like a furniture piece; anyone can move around whenever they feel like it without feeling pain or emotion.
At this point in my life, I know that I should not care about anything that anyone thinks, says, or does, but I am the type of person looking for peace, love, happiness, and acceptance.
I‘m no longer using my heart to see anyone for who they are and their real purpose in my life.
My eyes showed me that the person I have been looking at was a smoking mirror.
I struggled to see through the fog what I thought was real and wanted them to be authentic.
The authenticity never came even when we both said I love you; saying I love you was supposed to be everything, but it was never enough because we both know or understand the word I love you. Love is no longer going to blind me because I know the power of love.
I’ve been going through some changes in myself; a wrong decision has me questioning myself, but I don’t want anybody to pity me because I don’t need anybody to help me.
So I’m going to deal with the hand I was sold. Unfortunately, trial & Error is something that happens throughout life. But, to find that special something in life, we must be strong enough to go through trial and Error. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Hoe is a disrespectful word. It’s a word to describe a woman that has no self-respect for themselves.
I’m the complete opposite of a scraper. I respectmyself cause I’m not throwing myself to the highest bitterness about getting anything I want.
I define who I’m as a woman.
I believe my clothes and consent of my body I decided what to show doesn’t make me a hoe.
A wheelchair under my ass gets me looked at because, after all, Americans like to pretend like they have not seen someone in a wheelchair.
I choose to show off what God has blessed me with because half the world believes we should not be heard or seen because of our disabilities.
As a disabled woman, I have not always been comfortable with my body.
Still, honestly today, I can say I have slowly become pleased with myself and what my body has become today. With all that said, I’m not going to hide anymore or allow anyone to body shame me. I did too much body shaming to myself, so enough. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I know what I deserve. I deserve respect. I deserve to be a queen. I deserve understanding. I DESERVE YOUR ATTENTION. I deserve support. I deserve love. If you can’t check one of those things on my list, you will not be worthy of my time. So until then, I will continue to feed myself those things on my list until someone is willing to check consent off all the boxes on my list. Ms. Butterfly Genesis �
She wants to speak for herself through my own words, but no real clue how to do so because she has blocked herself from emotionally feeling anything.
She has become terrified.
To scratch open those feelings can be overwhelming, and who knows if she can handle the aftermath.
She struggles with writing to herself because she has no idea how to open up to herself.
The only thing she can hope for as she sits down with this pen & paper in her hand is that she has a significant breakthrough with herself.
The first thing she would need to tell herself is to stop looking for people’s approval. The only consent she needs is herself.
To scratch open those feelings can be overwhelming, and who knows if she can handle the aftermath.
She struggles with writing to herself because she has no idea how to open up to herself.
The only thing she can hope for as she sits down with this pen & paper in her hand is that she has a significant breakthrough with herself.
The first thing she would need to tell herself is to stop looking for people’s approval. The only consent she needs is herself.
To scratch open those feelings can be overwhelming, and who knows if she can handle the aftermath.
She struggles with writing to herself because she has no idea how to open up to herself.
The only thing she can hope for as she sits down with this pen & paper in her hand is that she has a significant breakthrough with herself.
The first thing she would need to tell herself is to stop looking for people’s approval. The only consent she needs is herself.
How can anyone approve of who and what her options might be if she can’t recommend me as a person?
She shouldn’t hate the body because everyone around her has always found something negative about it.
She knows that she must uplift herself & treat her body like a temple and not abuse it by having a love–hate relationship with food.
She put all the responsibilities of hating her body on others.
However, she also must realize that she has never been strong enough to tell those people to shut the fuck up when they say she is fat.
She smiles and plays it off like it never bothers her. Or take it out on herself by starving herself and throwing up, hoping the pain would go away.
It took her a long time to figure out that she has a horrible relationship with food, which doesn’t hurt them because they never have to go through the motion of hating or starving themselves as she does.
She guesses that for them, it’s a lot easier to say if she would kill herself, go ahead and do it becauseit’s one less person they need to worry about.
Starving herself has never been the correct answer to her problems, but it’s always been her way of dealing with her pain.
She has always beenable to preach to people how they should stand up for themselves and how no one should have the power to bully them.
She is such a pretender because she pretended to be this healthy person who doesn’t allow herself to getintimidated. When in her heart of hearts, she has constantly been bullied by people and the things they say about her body and her as a person.
Just a smile on her face and pretend that it doesn’t bother her until she finds herself alone with her thoughts & feelings.
Instead of telling them to shut the fuck up, she places a smile like nothing is wrong.
She struggles to stand up forherself because she knows that she is invisible so that no one can see or hear.
Suppose she was going to stand up for herself. She would tell herself it’s not her fault that people feel or see her, and it’s not her job to try and change them.
She needs to accept herself, no matter what anyone might be thinking of her.
Thank You Thank you for loving me. Thank you for pulling me apart when you did. Thank you for allowing me to find the strength within myself that I thought I never had. Because of the man you were in life, I am the woman who I’m today.
The woman I am today is. Strong Smart Independent, I also understand that falling in love with the idea of being in love is the wrong way to love someone. Most importantly, I want to thank him for teaching me that I deserve better and that a better person is who I’m today. Ms. Butterfly Genesis �
Wrongdoing Who has not done them, and the one thing that follows behind that is a big sorry, so only a few days later, the cycle would repeat itself like nothing ever happened. He was tired of hearing the words I’m sorry, and she was tired of being inadequate. She was clueless about what else she could be besides being this inadequate person she used to be. She is used to being inadequate; she could not value a good thing when she had it in front of her face. She pushed until the word I’m sorry could not be held on to. Ms. Butterfly Genesis �
When are others going to think of me? I have always talked a great game about how I’m a grown-ass woman and always do things my way. I’m only living my half-truth, and that truth is that I’m grown, but I’m continually thinking of other feelings and happiness. I ignore my happiness and the things that I need in my life because I hate disappointed everyone around me. If I’m ever happy with myself, I need to stop being scared, and I can’t please everyone. I can’t worry about people who won’t give me a second thought at this time in my life. So I’m going to put myself first. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
It’s been a while since I have taken pen to paper to say how I feel.
I made it to my 35th birthday with more blessings & love than a girl handle, but I made it. God heard when I said I was not ready to go anywhere yet.
Every day I open my eyes; it is a struggle, but I have been blessed to open my eyes for another crazy day.
Thirty-five years old & I am still learning about life as the days go by I didn’t have to ask for anything as I blow out the candles because I am not missing anything in my life for the first time.
I’m whole as a person because I can finally put myself first without feeling guilty that I should go. Wow, it took me 35 years; that’s oh okay if I care for myself first, but will I ever indeed be understanding?
People shut me down, Ms. Butterfly, for a While, not because I’m afraid of losing anything but because I have respect enough not to involve anyone with nothing to do with what he and I use to be.
I swear on everyone I love and loved that the rebirth of Ms. ButterfIy will happen again, and she is coming with a vengeance.
It’s a shame that you have to tear people down to feel good about whatever you want to do with your life, Or you Fear anyone else succeeding over you without using the method you use to stay on top.
If no one wants to hear or read what Ms. Butterfly has to say, they don’t have to support me because that will not kill my writing passion.
Any time anyone has tried to cut my wing is because they are afraid to see what I made of because I’ve never shown what my true colors could be because that is so far away from my character.
I have a passion for words. No matter what anybody feels, that is my passion, and I’m not looking for fame or fortune.
I want to have a place to put my feelings in.
Regardless ofwho or what tries to hold her down, she understands that she deserves To succeed just like everyone else in the world.
Ms. Butterfly will follow when her time comes, and only God knows when it’s the right time for her to shine, but she is not going to sit back and wait; she’s going to find her shine because she knows that God helps those who help themselves.
The rebirth of Ms. Butterfly will happen because that’s what she wanted, and she knows that that’s what she deserves, and no one will give it to her, so she’s going to take what she deserves.
Blogging is just like home because it’s the only place where I can become one with myself. When I write, I write from the only real place I have, which is my heart.
Sometimes I fear what will come out of my heart because I know my heart has no filter.
With no filter, I have no control over what comes out; writing to me is authentic as it is, and the only way I can be true to my craft is to be as rough as possible.
Often, I can be too rough, which makes people question my writing ability, and what I mean by that is do I have what it takes to call myself a writer, let alone a blogger.
Truthfully I have always had a passion for words and just writing in general because I feel that’s the only way I know to connect with my feelings and different things going in my life and conversation with my friends.
I love knowing that I can write my feelings away on paper.
I have never claimed to be a professional writer, but I have a passion for it because it lives in my heart.
When I have a blank sheet of paper, it’s like a place for my heart to open up without judgment.
The judgment of others has always made me question if I should be exposing myself by trying to share pieces of myself with others. This is not the first time I have tried to put a blog together to have an outlet.
I will be completely blunt; I was told to take down my blog because some people defamed their character.
My blog has always been about what I am going through; the weather is about my struggles with my family, friends, and personal relationship with my exes.
I also expose the struggles I have with myself.
The main one is excepting my body for what it is.
If I genuinely care about what anyone thought, I would shut down because I would not see the purpose of being me if I could not write anymore.
I’m not trying to hurt anyone, but I don’t want to be a cookie-cutter writer who paints pretty pictures when that’s not always the truth.
When I write,people know about me because I speak about things I’ve gone through and have conversations with people who inspire me to write the things I put together.
I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve ever posted because it comes from within me, not anyone else.
I may not always write correctly, but I do let out what I have been holding in because I have never bothered to learn how to express myself verbally or just never wanted to learn how to express myself verbally.
Writing has always been a joy and will always be a piece of me floating around somewhere on a piece of paper that someone might run into.
I‘m not going to apologize for anything I’ve ever allowed anyone to see or read because every single piece I’ve put together, as I said at the beginning, has been a piece of my life or a simple conversation that might have happened between me and someone.
I never imagined that speaking from the heart meant that I could be bashing someone’s character, and I’m so far from that I don’t believe in breaking anyone down or making them feel less than to make myself feel better about myself.
I know who I am, and I might not go far with my blog, but it gives me a sense of purpose and meaning, and gratitude to those interested in reading what I have to say.
My dream and passion have always been writing, and that’s all that is to me. Oh yeah, I’m 39. I was born with a disability called cerebral palsy, which means I did not get enough oxygen during birth.
That’s why I use a motorized wheelchair to live my day-to-day life. My primary caregiver is my mom, but I also have personal aids that come eight hours a day, seven days a week; if it weren’t for them, I would not do my basic tasks without my team of people.
Is someone who has made it on the bestseller list?
Please don’t tell me I am not a writer because people have never seen any of the words I have put my heart into published anywhere important.
Please don’t tell me I am not a writer because I misspell words, or sometimes as people are reading my stuff, they realize I miss a word or two.
Who I am is a writer & one of the most important things that make me believe that I am a great writer is I can strip myself from the layers that protect who I am.
When I have a blank piece of paper in front of me, I don’t have to be scared of what comes out because whatever shows up on this piece of writing is mine, and no one is allowed to take my words from me.
I am a writer because I have a passion and desire for words.
Just no one believes in me as a writer.
I believe in who I am, which is a writer for myself.
Hi, my name is Erika M. Santana My brother & I were born on 09/04/81
Besides being the youngest of four older siblings, we were born with cerebral palsy, which meant that our brain didn‘t get enough oxygen to many different parts of our minds during childbirth.
I have always been told that I was the most vigorous twin out of my brother & me because I didn’t need so many machines to keep me alive; unlike my brother, he needed a lot more assistance keeping himself in check. Anyone reading this must keep in mind that my twin and I were born at two a half pounds each.
As our life counties, I realized that I wasn’t the strongest out of the twins anymore, and our family is from a different country from the United States; our family did the best they could do with our disability.
Whatever else was unfamiliar to us as a family, we tried our very best to learn as we kept going so our family could make the right decisions for my brother and me.
This is me
I‘m someone who needs someone from the time my eyes pop open for the simple things that most people take for granted: getting up and getting into my wheelchair alone.
I entered the bathroom and washed my Purse because my hands were not strong enough to scrub her down the way she deserves. Imagine a grown-assertion doing number# two and then having someone wiping them because they can’t do themselves in life. That’s only a tiny part of my crazy life.
Dressing me is a lot of fun, too, because the only thing I can do is decide what I’m going to wear, while others get me dressed as if I was a newborn. Yes, I can brush my teeth and food myself, depending on my hands themselves.
I want people to understand that I’m not too fond of the relationship I have with food because if I get fat, no one will want to help me if I allow myself to enjoy eating the way everyone else does.
Food is a control thing for me. Afterall, it’s the only thing I can decide because everything else in my life is a dictatorship.
Now that I have listed all my crazy negatives, let me see if I can list some positive things that I can or have done for myself. I‘m smart and not afraid to learn new things, whether in a book or life.
I love opening myself on paper if my sentence structure can sometimes make no sense because missing words is a lot of the time. After all, my head can be a little faster than my hands.
I have also managed to fall head over heels in love with some fantastic people who have taught me so much about myself.
Despite my physical limitations, I engaged in my first sexual experience at 21 with someone who saw me as a person, not my chair.
I also had the willpower to become someone’s wife, even though the whole world was against my decision because my marriage was going to fail. Of course, people will assume I regret my decision with a failed marriage, but I don’t because I did it myself.
My limitations have never defined me because I know I am more than the wheels I use as my legs. I’m a human being first.
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 