I can’t be scared of who I am. I am not a superwoman, even though I love playing someone who can and should be able to do it all. Women have been seen as weak beings that should be seen and not heard for centuries. It’s taken me 41 years to discover that my voice matter. I’m not going to lie and say that I still struggle with people listening to me and also realizing that I should not kill myself to be everything to everyone else in my life if I won’t be everything else to the person I am.
My wheelchair is a part of my everyday life. But, unfortunately, it isn’t my whole life.
First and foremost, I am a woman, and sadly, the world won’t see that first.
I’m not going to apologize for my disability ever. But, unfortunately, my disability will be a big red stop sign for some people to get to know my abilities and my Non-abilities just because it is easier than trying to get past that sign.
I’m not going to lie and be like I’ve never been down on myself because of the things that I feel I missed out on because I understand that I have physical limitations.
That other might not have, but that same limitation that I have pushed me forward to keep fighting and to keep needing and desiring and wanting, just like Any woman in the world.
If I am incomplete as a woman to myself, how can I pretend to be whole to the rest of the world? I can’t be a complete woman for the world and part of it.
Taking accountability for not knowing who I am or what I am looking for as a person or woman makes me incomplete. When I understand who I am, I can understand the type of woman I want to be for myself.
I can’t just say that I need to take accountability for my mistakes or me not feeling complete as a woman.
The only way I can accept accountability for anything I found in my life Or anything I’ve done to others who have not deserved my bad behavior.
If I can be honest with myself and say and admit to myself that I was in the wrong, I need help figure out why I would behave the way I act towards myself and others trying to be there.
The only thing that comes to my mind when I begin to think about my behavior is my acting out towards everyone who has tried to make it into something that I don’t want to be or never allowing me to find who I am as a person.
It’s incredible what happens between two people when there’s no real conversation. It’s taking me 14 to 15 years to realize this person will never be my person because of my unruly mistake.
I mistake I regret every day of my life, and I punish myself for every single day because instead of living my happily ever after, I’m still looking and wondering if that could’ve been with him.
I don’t know if my final words to him were that anger or out of pure frustration because I’ve prayed for a very long time to God to bring him back into my life.
I guess God finally got tired of hearing my prayers that he brought about, but the only thing is that it wasn’t the same, and I understand it never be the same.
So I don’t know what I was hoping for when he came back into my life, or maybe I know what I was hoping for, and I am 100% disappointed but not surprised how things came about.
The light finally went off in my soul no matter how sorry I may be or how much I believe I’ve changed; he will never have the ability to see that because he hasn’t been able to forgive me for my biggest mistake and my biggest regret ever in life.
I know I was the one that changed the course of both of our lives, but I never thought that things could not get better one day; I wasn’t asking for the same item or the same person; I was asking for an opportunity. End up with me to show my growth as a person and a woman, but he always knew that the chance would never come.
So I stayed around because I’m a firm believer that only the strong survive, and I’ve always considered myself a strong person, so I thought, and I believed that one day that he slowly open and allow me in some ways.
I’m not worthy of him loving me the way he was dead, but I am worthy of him trying to forgive me so we can figure how to move forward without forgetting where we came from because, in life, you can’t move forward if you don’t know where you came from.
He and I went from a very dark place in our lives, but we both became strong people because of where we were and what happened to make us the strong people we are today.
I breathe to stay alive. Every breath I take comes with unbearable pain, not only because my body is breaking down but also because I’m broken.
I am trying to piece myself together to become one again or at least feel like I can be one again when that time comes for me to be one.
I breathe to stay alive, but I also live because of him. I come first, of course, but something about him makes me want to take that first breath in the morning. Even if later on, I’m asking myself why I am doing this myself when I know what I know When it comes to him.
She is a little girl that only knows a mother’s love.
She has no clue what a father’s love should be because there is no imprint of what a father is.
As a young lady, she begins to look for love to fill that space that only a father can supply for a daughter.
I never understood that a father is supposed to be protected, not an abuser.
She begins to find herself in situations that make her believe that as long as her body is cover in black & blue, that means that she is loved.
Fatherless Daughters
Black & Blue has never been a sign of love.
The sign of love is & should always be red.
The only way our fatherless daughters are ever going to learn about true love is by learning self-love; self-love respects one’s body as a temple.
Also, understanding that giving our bodies away doesn’t always mean love.
Fathers are the first relationships we have as little girls & young women we have & use those relationships to help us choose someone like our fathers.
Stop making us fatherless daughters & become the man that we should dream of.
I don’t know if we have ever had a mother and daughter relationship where I could be myself and not fear your reaction about anything that might come out of my mouth.
I am with pen and paper, hoping that you may see me through my words since you struggle to see who I am in person.
I struggle to have any relationship with you because you can’t see me as your daughter you love and have watched me grow into a beautiful woman. You have struggled with me as your daughter, let alone as a woman, because of my disability. My limitations should never be that wall that keeps us from building that relationship I have needed in my heart of hearts.
I know she was born with a disability. I could never forget that I cannot function without others helping me. I am not asking you to forget my disability either, but I am asking you to see me beyond my limitations and see me as just your daughter.
From the first breath I took into my body to stay alive and become who I am today in my life, the daughter who has fought for her life.
Who I am is someone reliable and someone who has never seen limitations for herself.
I know someone is looking at those limitations for me.
I am not blind; I see that I will need help for the rest of my life to live a healthy life like everyone else around me is living, but that does not mean I should not have a life of my own.
You will always worry because you are a mom, which is part of your job.
I love the fact that you love me as much as you do because, with all the love you have poured into me, I have been able to keep going in this crazy world but, there has been a downfall in your loving me as much as you do and, that is your struggle to let me go.
I understand it’s not easy to let your baby go, and I am not trying to say it should be easy, but if you don’t work on it, you will never know my abilities because my limitations will always hold you from letting me go.
I deserve my own life, and you deserve your life back because all your kids are grown, but I know you cannot have your own life if you are always busy worrying about me and my care.
I love you because I know what you have given up so I may have a chance at life, and I am not trying to break free from it because I am ungrateful.
You have always told people that you have allowed me to find myself as a person, but I don’t see how you have allowed me to find myself as a person when you still see me as a five-year-old little girl that is always going to need her mommy just because I’m disabled.
I will always need my mom, but not because I am disabled; you are my strength teacher and just my whole life.
I hope one day, not too far away. Then, you can see me as your daughter and not just your disabled daughter that has all these limitations.
Judge me when you have become a god. Judge me when you have walked a mile in my shoes. Judge me when you have facts, not on things you have made up in the head.
I might not be your flavor, but I have been that flavor that many have enjoyed in their lifetime. I might look impossible to you, but that’s because you don’t have the brainpower to figure out how many other ways you could have pleased me; I guess the dick brain is a lot more powerful than the mind that you were supposed to be born.
People should not hate the body that they have blessed. If anyone wants to hate me, hate that I don’t throw my body on anyone. I respect myself enough to know if anyone wants to see my pussy; it needs to be earned, not just given because you throw attention around.
Attention doesn’t using the phrase I love you, for anyone to unwrap my gift. Attention means feeding my mind, soul, and then my body. Be mad at yourself for not having or wanting the capability to get to know you as a person.
Judge me on the fact that I’m not comfortable. Judge me that I don’t fall for everything because that means I could fall anything. Judge me that I don’t have to settle for people who see me as an object but as a person.
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 