I am so proud of myself for having the strength to sit in my chair and write this without tears. Please don’t mistake the absence of tears as the absence of missing you — my heart screams for you every single day.
But tonight, the scream is different. It’s not only grief, it’s joy. Joy that so many wonderful things are finally happening to me, for me, around me. It’s wild to think you can’t be here to share in it, to be happy with me, to witness the way I’m growing.
I miss you in every breath, but I’m learning to let that longing live beside my gratitude. And maybe that’s the strength I’m most proud of — to miss you and still move forward.
Body: I’ve always known I was blessed in more ways than one. But for a long time, I couldn’t see it—too tangled in my pain, too focused on what I thought I’d lost. You were my anchor, and when you left, I thought I drifted too far to find myself again.
But I was wrong.
It turns out that the parts of me I thought were gone were just tucked away and waiting and waiting for me to stop holding onto pain as a proxy for love. Waiting for me to choose myself—not despite you, but because of me.
Now I see the blessings. I see them in every discovery, every moment of joy, every breath I take without you. I’m still here. And that’s the biggest blessing of all.
I don’t need to hold onto the past to hold onto you. I need to keep becoming the woman I was always meant to be.
I lost you— But in the losing, I found the map again.
I found my voice In the quiet strength I didn’t know I had, because I was too busy standing behind someone Who never turned around to ask my name, Or why my silence sounded like survival.
I found myself— In the mirror, In the ache, In the art.
But I lost you. And maybe that was the cost of becoming whole.
Last night, my conversation with God was easy. No thunder. No trembling sky. Just one question, soft-spoken, But heavy like a thousand unsaid things.
I didn’t ask for miracles. I asked if she’d ever understand. Not you—God. Her. The woman who gave me life But clipped the wings before I learned to fly.
She won’t ask God. She won’t ask if she ever knew the pain of removing pieces of me like clutter from a shelf— because she felt like it, because she thought it wasn’t good enough for the version of me she imagined.
And maybe that’s the part that stings. Not the silence. Not the absence. But the belief that a mother could mold a child by subtraction.
I take my seat in this life With full accountability. I own the detours, The broken mirrors, The dreams I folded into corners because I thought they’d fit better there.
But what gets under my skin— What burns slow like incense in a locked room— Is the thought, not the proof, just the thought that someone who gave me breath might use that same power to choke out my becoming.
Not because she’s evil. Not because she hates me. But because she never saw the garden growing wild in my chest and thought the weeds were all there was.
And maybe I do sound crazy. But crazy is just the truth With no place to land.
So I ask God, not for vengeance, not for clarity, But for the grace to keep growing even when the soil remembers Every hand that tried to uproot.
My mind is a fortress, steel and flame, Stronger than sinew, untouched by pain. It holds me up when I want to fold, A silent guardian, fierce and bold.
But strength is fickle when hearts betray— He haunts my thoughts day after day. I run from memories, yet they stay, Pulling my heart, though I’m miles away.
I wish my heart could match the might Of this relentless, sharpened sight. If feelings bent to intellect’s sway, I’d rise with calm and walk away.
Still, I hope—as minds outgrow their chain— That I’ll embody this quiet refrain: Strong enough, come what may, To choose myself and walk away.
I open my heart to you, not polished or guarded, But torn and trembling, willing. I lay down love, not love as compassion, But the need to be consumed by another— so I may reclaim peace as one undivided, So, my thoughts may still walk in silence, and my reactions follow gracefully.
Forgive the moments I’ve responded from the storm, not the sanctuary, The times I’ve chosen impulse over insight And let your gift seem forgotten.
I bleed truth before you now: Not perfect, but present. Not pure by achievement, But willing to begin.
Let my sacrifice not be sadness but strength— not a denial, but a devotion. Make my mind up. Make my spirit still. And let your sacrifice ripple through me as a renewal, Not a regret.
I speak aloud, and the world echoes back— a reflection I never saw until now.
I was always here, beneath the layers they painted over me, beneath the wishes of others, The expectations pressed against my skin.
Love is possible, as long as I dare to unfold, to chip away at walls built in fear— but fear is a stubborn architect.
To open the door, to hand over power— Isn’t that the same as handing over the last piece of myself? I have given my body to others, because without them, I cannot move forward.
But my heart— My heart is my own. And if I hold onto it, If I keep it locked away, Who will ever truly know me?
I want my heart to still, to silence the echo of your name. I want my ribs to unburden the weight of love carved too deep.
If I could unfeel, I could unhurt. If I could unlove, I could unbreak. But wishes slip through trembling hands, and prayers unravel in the wind.
One day, perhaps, you will step into my life as easily as you step away. We will fold into each other like pages in a book, then tear apart at the spine, It was never meant to be reread.
I can wish. I can beg the stars to rewrite our fate. But life is not kind with guarantees. And love—love is never ours to command.
Why must it take the earth to quake, for our hearts to turn to heaven’s gate? A whole nation trembling, breaking apart, mourning the lost, the unfound, the aching heart.
God was here when skies were blue, when the streets buzzed bright, fresh and new. But only now, amid ash and cries, do we plead for Him with lifted eyes.
Why can’t His name live on our breath, not just in moments shadowed by death? Why can’t we hold faith as we hold our joy, as tightly as grief grips the motherless boy?
I see it now—God doesn’t leave, His whispers dance in the morning breeze. In every triumph, every despair, His hands are there, His love declared.
So I hold those dear, clasp them tight, their laughter, their sorrows, their fleeting light. For tomorrow’s promise is never sure, but love, in this moment, will always endure.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
my condolences to all my beautiful people from the Dominican Republic. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you and we will get through this maybe not today maybe not tomorrow but we will get through this.
It’s been a while since I put pen to paper, so here goes nothing. 2024 is leaving, and we’re welcoming 2025 into our lives; those who have to leave things behind should and will leave them behind because the whole point of a New Beginning is being able to leave the old baggage behind. I’m saying that all to say that I’m saying that all to say this.
I’m leaving 2024 with a lot of blessings and a lot of opportunities that I never thought in 1 million years I would have always seen, and one of the significant things that I am proud to say 2024 has given me is a new lease on life and the newest chapter of my life. And those who know me know I am a total girly girl throwing through. That’s what I am. That’s what I’ve always been.
For the last few weeks, I’ve been contemplating buying myself a ring—not just any ring, but one that represents recommitment to myself as a person and a woman.
When people or the world chooses to look down at my hands and ask me what that is, I will say it’s a commitment I have made to myself coming into 2025. I’m committing to having the best relationship with myself that I can have. Before I can have any relationship with someone else, I’m committing to putting myself first and foremost.
I’m also committing to being kind and understanding to myself, and I’m also committing to loving and growing with myself as I grow; I know I will make mistakes because who doesn’t make mistakes?
But those mistakes are gonna be my learning stepping stone to becoming a better version of who I know I can be and should be for myself and no one else. Who better to be married to me than me? I choose me for now and forever. It’s all me.
Pen and paper is the only way I can communnot notith you right now . Pendant paper is the only way I can allow not nott to break and cries those unwanted tears. I’ve been holding back for so long by choice. Pen and paper is the only way I truly see myself and my heart whether it’s breaking or weather is being held on by a string, but whatever it is, this is the only way I can show it. Goddamn, how I wish you were here to see and hear everything no I don’t want you to decide with me because I know you won’t. I know his blood so he takes priority. I just wish you were here to listen, and then of course side with him one of the very last conversations you and I ever had was about set individual and you asked me if I ever thought about reuniting our lives together and I told you I would give anything and everything to make that happen. But your girl was wrong. I couldn’t do it or I wouldn’t do it because of fear of things blowing up again in my face I love and I love hard and there’s no other way I know how to love. I guess what I’m trying to let you know without going in circles is that I fucked up again but this time I acknowledge that I fucked up because he asked me for one simple thing and I believe that I asked him for one simple thing, but neither one of those simple things could’ve been met by either one of us Honestly girl when I was with him, I enjoyed every moment every second of every time we could be together I didn’t waste it and you how I know I didn’t waste it because every time I went home I couldn’t wait till the next time we were together, but what made it cheap for me was that I knew it was just a moment and in that moment, I was looking for more than just a moment but once again scary cat me couldn’t or did not know how to say that without making such subject so uncomfortable. I never wanted to ruin the moments talking about feelings and what I needed from the subject but sometimes I couldn’t help myself. I went off on impulse and I just opened myself up and said I loved you and I know now that you’re my person.
No, now I’m sitting on my bed right into you because it’s the only way I can communicate with you and I’m never going to stop saying how much I fucking miss you and I know, and you should be disappointed in me because I feel like besides letting myself down once again After so much prayer of hoping that me and said subject could ever be it didn’t happen and it did not happen because of me because even though things happen so long ago, I live certain memories in my head anytime I would see that subject and I would wonder what I was doing with that subject if I felt the way that I did and the way that I felt was empty .
Empty because I was afraid to allow myself to feel anything but at the same time I was lying to myself because I did feel I just didn’t feel the right feelings at the right moment I felt anger I felt deception. I felt disappointment. I would always ask myself on the way home . How the fuck can I continue to do with this when I know that my heart was covered with pain, rage and confusion and most importantly love..
Is it too much to ask for the subject to pour as much love as I was pouring onto them? I guess it was because even though they say my mouth that they forgive me for all the stupidity that I ever did it felt like they didn’t because at times they were unbelievably stoic with me. It was like somebody else was with me And not not the person I was used to period like I said when we last saw each other and spoke to each other over the phone. I believe you were the only one rooting for us to get back what we had to preserve it and if we got that second chance Not to look back or to pay attention to things the people would’ve said, and I’m sorry that I let you down. I’m even sorry that I let myself down but I’ve come to realize that the word sorry it’s just a Band-Aid and I’m tired of being covered in Band-Aids. I don’t wanna be covered in Band-Aids anymore. I want to be free of Band-Aids and I hope you understand that being free of Band-Aids is being free of him even though my heart wants what it wants and it wants said subject, but I’m just a big fuck up and I can’t continue saying I’m sorry and continue to do the same bullshit over and over again expecting for four subject to forgive me just because I said I was sorry when and only when someone is really sorry they would never do anything to cause anyone
I also have to let you in on a little secret. He hasn’t been the same since you’ve been gone, but of course I don’t need to tell you that because you were were his own personal diary and you took a lot of of his dirty secrets with you even how he felt about me Those years we spent without speaking to one another honestly, I wish you were here for so many reasons that we won’t get into right now, but one of the most important reasons I wish you were here is so sad subject could have life back into his heart because I’m clueless on how he’s made it this long Without you. For me it’s been a true nightmare, not having you around to talk to to see to laugh to make plans with I miss you and no one will ever take your place in my heart and I hope nobody takes my place in your heart. I love you And I’ll talk to you soon. I don’t know how soon but I’ll talk to you again because I hear you screaming your head off probably cussing me out and I deserve it.. I love you big head and I hope as you’re up there looking down on all of us you teach me not to forget but to forgive myself because that is my biggest pet peeve and struggle. I’ve never learned how to forgive myself. I can forgive others for doing me dirty , but I can’t forgive myself, which takes away the purpose of forgiving others because I have to be able to forgive myself in order for me to forgive others and I’m ass backwards. You should know that I shouldn’t have to tell you well either way I love you and I miss you and I hope That wherever you are you’re still watching over all of us why wow we try our very best to keep living..
I’m blessed that I am going to be blessed to see 43.
It’s a blessing because I was not supposed to make it past a few hours after entering this world.
Coming into this world, two pounds and one ounce, anything and everything is questionable.
God saw something special in me. He pushed me strong enough that I could still be here 43 years later when sometimes I question myself and my existence in the world.
I want to believe why I question my existence when I understand if I can question why I am still here when I have nothing important to show for the 43 years of my life.
The only thing I have to show my 43 years are the scars my heart holds on to from the many times it has been used and abused by the world we live in because my heart has always struggled to see the bad in people.
When people read this piece, they will say, “Stop complaining, and don’t do anything to change your life so you may feel better about it.”
The only response I could give was that I felt stuck within myself. I have imagined many times before where I would have been at the age of 43, owing something that is my own and independently away from my mama, showing her that she has given me many tools to survive on my own.
I will always need to know whether she and I share the same space.
Love is over Reddit, and I am not even worried if love finds me again because the best person to love is me, even though I can be honest with myself and say I have not always been the most loving person to myself.
Once in a while, I might fall back into old habits because I have no clue how to not be hard on myself.
It’s remarkable how life can surprise us, isn’t it? Reconnecting with someone after years can be both exhilarating and nerve-wracking. Your willingness to open that door and reach out shows courage and a genuine desire to reconnect.
Starting anew can be both challenging and rewarding. It’s like planting a seed and watching it grow into something beautiful.
Even though you’re beginning from scratch, remember that every conversation, every shared moment contributes to rebuilding that bond. Sometimes, the strongest connections emerge from unexpected places.
As for impulsive decisions, they’re part of being human. We all make them, and sometimes they lead us down unexpected paths.
Taking accountability is a sign of maturity and self-awareness. Perhaps this fresh start will allow you both to learn, grow, and create new memories together.
Waiting is a state of mind
A test of patience and endurance
A challenge of faith and hope
A struggle of doubt and fear
Waiting is a game of time
A countdown of seconds and minutes
A stretch of hours and days
A measure of weeks and months
Waiting is a choice of action
A pause of movement and speech
A delay of plans and goals
A postponement of dreams and desires
Waiting is a chance of change
A growth of wisdom and maturity
A learning of lessons and skills
A discovery of self and others
Waiting is a part of life
A reality of love and loss
A possibility of joy and sorrow
A mystery of fate and destiny
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
The world spins on, and I'm here standing still,
Haunted by the space that only you can fill.
I've penned my chapters, but the ink runs dry,
It's your name that echoes under every sky.
Oh, the one who got away, do you feel the space we made?
In every crowd, it's you I seek, in every shadow, every shade.
I'm stepping forward, but my heart remains behind,
In the hope that you'll return, and once more I'll find...
The safety of your arms, the harbor of your embrace,
Where every shattered piece falls back into place.
You're the missing verse, the melody that stays,
The home within your arms, the light in all my days.
I've tried to lock the door, leave the past behind,
But your love was the key, the one of a kind.
If whispers in the wind could bring you to my door,
I'd send a thousand words, like waves upon the shore.
Oh, the one who got away, can you hear my heart's refrain?
I'm searching for the echo of your voice, calling my name.
I'm moving forward, but I'm looking back in vain,
For the one who got away, to bring me home again.
So here's my love letter, to the one who slipped through,
The one who held my heart, in ways only you knew.
If you ever feel lost, if you ever long for home,
Remember my arms are waiting, and you're never alone.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
For a long time, I thought that lying was the right thing to do, but self-consciously, I knew it was the wrong thing to do because I knew wrong, and I knew the truth from a lie.
I found it easy to keep the truth from those I cared about and the kids about me. I felt if I was ever to be vulnerable with people about actual things that were happening. They wouldn’t look at me as being perfect or ideal.
So that’s why I would like to protect my image of being perfect and superwoman in many situations and with the people I love most. I have not been in the place I’m in with my life, and I understand that I can’t be perfect; I have to be me.
Being me means not always speaking most respectfully, not always coming across as very educated, and sometimes means being challenged to deal with, trying to guess when I’m lying and when I’m telling the truth, and not being afraid of being labeled a bitch because that’s what I am. one of my biggest challenges are trying to make people believe that I’ve changed for the better, not the worst. I still have a mouth on me; yes, can I go off the deep end? Yes, I still struggle with communication regarding how to express myself more respectfully.
Still, I have no more reason to lie because, for many years, I tried to be perfect, and I wasn’t. As I get older, I care less than less about being perfect and more about being me, but it’s tough when you start something, and that’s all people see you as a liar.
The main reason why people see me the way they do or label me the way they do is because I gave them reasons to label me and see me the way they do. I acknowledge that I accept that, but what I won’t accept is to be victimized by my past that’s in my past, not in my future.
When certain people in my life hear me, don’t listen, but hear me speak on me being there for them or anybody else in my life, they automatically think, oh, she’s talking about money, and I’m not talking about money because many ways you can be there for people without money You can listen to them when they’re going through something you can be there at the most challenging moments in their lives and the happiest as well.
I learned a long time ago. That money keeps no one, and that money is just paper that goes away within 2 to 3 days. I should know I spend it like water, but when talking about being there for someone, I’m talking about being that person’s year.
Hence, they have someone to talk to if they want to talk or if they want to yell or vent or be those arms to make them feel safe, wanted, needed, desired, protected, or just being that face they could look into and know that they’re looking at someone that loves them just as much or maybe more than anybody else could ever.
Maybe I was brought up the wrong way, but I was brought up in a way that you don’t talk about me; you don’t show your emotions. And that seems funny because I’m very emotional, sometimes too emotional, and I don’t know how to hide my emotions because I always wear my emotions on my sleeves.
You could read it all over my face when something is wrong. I’m sad and happy because I show a big contradiction from what I said before. Still, I do not know how to hide when I’m happy, sad, or in love, not when my heart has been broken when I’ve lost someone I care about; that shit is hard to hide.
I am the type of person who, if you’re going through something, I’m going through it with you. I feel it. I experienced it slightly differently than anybody else, but I feel it; I live it.
But I tell myself I can’t break because I have to be vital for whoever is going through something at that particular moment in time. I never focus on myself because I like to make sure that everyone around me is OK and cared for before I can think about myself, and yes, I know that many people who know me would probably disagree with the statement I just made, but it’s true. I think about others before I think about myself.
Sometimes, I wish I could be selfish and think about myself and somebody else, but I don’t have it in me to be selfish; I like to give. Most people call that people-pleasing, but I call it giving.
I’m not expecting anything in return when I do things for others because I know God when my time comes, will bless me in the best way possible by allowing me to enter into his kingdom as the child that I am.
He won’t keep condemning me for my past because everyone has a past. No one is leaving this earth without one. Mine seems to hurt me every day of my life because every day of my life, I’m reminded of the pain caused by the troubles that I did. Still, as I said before, I won’t be victimized for my past.
My past is my past, my future is my future, whatever my future is, that is what it is going to be because that’s what I want to be if that means being alone for the rest of my life and dedicating myself to thinking that I love the most which are writing and of course, being around family then I’m OK with that I have to be and I need to be.
GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF? MY RESPONSE IS SIMPLY WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU I’M IN LOVE WITH HIM. YOU INDEED LOVE, AND NO ONE IS TELLING YOU NOT BECAUSE AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A HEARTBEAT LOVE WILL BE POURING OUT FOR HIM. I HATE THAT, BUT GIRL, THAT IS YOUR TRUTH AND ANOTHER TRUTH THAT IS CONSTANTLY HE COULD BE YOUR PERSON BUT THAT DOES HE NEEDS TO BE YOURS. GIRL, THE BLAME HAS TO STOP YOU GOING TO BE 42 YEARS OLD BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. NO ONE PUSHED YOU TO DO ANYTHING YOU DIDN’T WANT TO DO. ALL THE SHIT YOU THROWOUT IS BECAUSE YOU WANT TOO. THAT’S WHY HE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN THE PERSON YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHOW HIM. YOU PRAY FOR THE RECONNECTION BETWEEN HIM AND YOU FOR SUCH A LONG TIME AND FOR GOD TO BE AS GREAT AS HE IS GOD ANSWERED YOUR PRAYER FOR YOU. GIRL, THIS WAS YOUR TIME; SHINE AND SHOW HIM THAT YOU HAVE BEEN THE WOMAN THAT HE BEEN MISSING FOR SUCH A LONG TIME. GIRL, YOU PRAYED HARDER THAN ANYONE I KNOW, AND I SERIOUSLY HAD HOPE. THAT’S WHY I CAN’T WRAP MY HEAD AROUND HOW YOU COULD FUCK UP SOMETHING YOU WANTED MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. IT’S OKAY TO LOVE HIM FROM AFAR. GIRL LET HIM GO AND STOP BLAMING FOR YOUR IMMATURE. GIRL, YOU MIGHT NEVER KNOW TO CLOSE THAT CHAPTER OF HIM. WALK AWAY AND FIND YOUR STRENGTH.
I am trapped in a doorway I have tried to close for many years.
It’s been unhealthy for my heart and soul just because I have poured myself and what I don’t into the impossible.
The part of who I am is I don’t back down from a challenge because, from the first moment I could take my first breath, I knew I was born to be a fighter.
Regarding matters of the heart, I’m a total fuckup because my heart has blinders that part of me is not ready to lift and have the truth slapped in the face.
The process of rebuilding is having the truth slapping me in the face but not all at once, but it is not giving me a choice or how much of it gets in my front.
I guess the moral of my story is simple and that is must put on my big girl panties and challenge myself by facing my fuck up.
Children are true blessings that can change the world. Children have the best chance to teach people about love kinds accept who they are as people. But, unfortunately, all children want to feel like they belong somewhere. It’s a shame that some people don’t or could not never imagine what strength it takes to bring another life into the world. It’s easier to take an innocent child’s life away than give those children a chance to live better than we did. We keep robbing innocent children in every single school shooting. Why does our future have to pay for someone carry-in their hearts because they don’t have anyone to show them love and how to be kind to one another?
It’s heartbreaking that our children can’t even be in a private Christian church school to protect them from harm’s way. But, I also understand God has nothing to do with the adverse action that the female took upon herself when she opened fire. So, I can’t help but question my faith in God because we are talking about innocent children that deserve to live and have an unbroken relationship with God.
Birthdays are a celebration of life and the person accomplishes, whether here or not. Birth is a true gift from god that no one should take for granted because we feel like we can and should. It’s so difficult for me to live in the moment sometimes because my brain is always ready to move on to the next thing instead of enjoying the little things in front of us. No one has tomorrow, so I celebrate the life you were and still have, even though you are not physically here. The world assumes just because time has gone by, it hurts a little less, but that is so far from the truth that all I choose to do is laugh. It hurts more now than the first birthday I celebrated without your face in mine. There are so many things that push me through a day like today, and though things are, no one else could say they had you the way I did or knew something like what made you happy or sad. Besides celebrating life, I miss those quiet moments when I choose not to make the world apart. I miss you Love You Keep Celebrating and keep being my #1 Angel. I will keep doing my part and hold you down as I have been.
There is so much bullshit going on in the world beyond my heart. But I seriously can not help and feel like I’m losing my fucking mind because there is no off switch to my brain or way to erase who and what he was in my life. If I dare to erase that part of my life, even though it’s painful for me because my heart still loves very blindly, this type has taught me that I’m hell-strong and I was blessed to find my person and enjoy moments that no matter who might be crazy enough to step up and do better. It won’t happen. I firmly believe in people having one chance to find their person. I found my person from the moment we locked eyes. We had terrific moments. Even though we shared a wonderful moment, that wasn’t enough for me to ask for what I thought was best for the person I was back then because, back then, I refused to rock the boat. After rocking the boat the way I did, I came to terms with the fact the person I chose to let go of my person. It was too late to get back to the person in life. What made this person my person was: He studied me and knew who I was before I could figure out who I was for myself. Our love was one of a kind in our book because everything happened so quickly, and the best part about it was that everything we were was like a great puzzle piece.
I don’t want to be stupid. For you to be successful, I have to have the strength to the door of feeling unwanted and under deserved just because my heart wants what it wants. My heart is clueless about the fact that no matter what the heart wants, it might not be what it needs. I might wish to him like a blood vessel that runs throughout my body for me to stay alive. The body has a way of breaking down, so we either get rid of what’s toxic or find different ways for the body to work without realizing something is missing.
Cancer does not have a specific race it Chooses to attack.
Cancer is not Forgiving of anyone’s age.
Cancer will never understand the true meaning of having a life of needs and wants.
Cancer destroys the body, but I feel it would never destroy someone’s spirit because that’s how we become warriors. Cancer is unforgivable.
Cancer is unforgivable when it decides to come and take you from your loved ones without a second thought; how can anyone ask me to forgive cancer for taking you from me without giving me a chance to say goodbye?
I’m not speaking from a mother’s perspective but a daughter’s perspective; why do mothers only deserve one day to be honored or celebrated.
Mothers deserve more than one day to be kept and shown how much they are loved because to be a mother, women have to learn how to be selfish and put a human life inside of them for nine months first, for now, and forever.
Being a mother to a bit of a human being is a 24-hour job with no vacation time and no sick time, and we have to find a way to squeeze in some self-care time for ourselves after a tiny human comes into the world.
The minute women find out they’re expecting; we learn how to become overprotective even before entering this world.
We want to protect them and make sure they feel loved and wanted even while they grow inside us and make us feel different feelings and take over our bodies, but it’s so rewarding to know that we have a human heartbeat next to ours.
Mothers should be honored every day because a mother is a gift that is never replaced no matter. But unfortunately, my mother and I have a relationship out of the movies; we don’t know if we are coming. So, we have to fix our shit because she needs to be proud of whom she raised as a person.
Anytime I think about the last time you and I spoke anytime, I think about the last time you and I said, Your voice becomes haunting to me because I had no idea that that would be the last time I would ever hear your voice, your laughter.
Like the rest of the world, I usually think things we have so much time to do or say how we truly feel about someone until we don’t have that time.
I thought we had more time to talk to me around each other I have plain old fun, but I was surprised that you were cheated out of seeing your boy’s become men.
Even though I shouldn’t be mad with God, I should be thanking him for allowing me to have met you and being grateful to have gotten the chance to have what I never thought would be our last girl talk.
It’s been unbearable to deal with the pain or wrap my head around the fact that you’re not here, and it’s been years already. You would think that I would have a better way of coping with it already, but in reality, I don’t. I miss my girl chat; we had so many plans.
As much as I would love to walk around with a sad face, the thought of you coming into my mind, I can’t. I know that’s not something you would want me to do anytime I think of you and bring a smile to my face and ring the whole flood of conversations that you and I had throughout the years that we’ve known each other and that we’ve been a part of each other’s lives.
It feels fantastic when I can speak about you in the present tense, like if you were just on some vacation. So, you’re coming back soon because that’s what it feels like to me, you on this long-ass vacation, and eventually, I will see you again, and I hope and pray that your ass excited as I would be when I see you again.
Life has been rough without you and what I hate the most is I can’t pick up the phone and call you and talk to you about what’s going on; you would be surprised, but then again, you wouldn’t be surprised if that makes sense. So, hopefully, they’ll see you as you’re reading this from heaven.
Time hasn’t made anything easier but any of us, but I can only speak for myself. I miss you like hell, and I can’t keep telling them on a piece of paper how much I miss you and not be able to say to you physically how much I miss you because they’re up in heaven looking down at the mess that world as becoming since you have been gone.
There are not many ways I can tell you that I miss you, but I do miss you like crazy part of me is jealous that you’re not here, and then the other part of me is glad that you’re not here because you’re no longer in pain and you’re finally resting.
I know I would be one of Many always telling me I need to take it easy, take better care of myself.
Stop doing this, stop doing that, and the only thing you tell me is I will rest the day I die.
I will get so pissed at you because I wanted you here forever, But I know then nothing is forever, and no one is supposed to be here forever, but you’re just one of those people besides my lovely grandmother that I wish could’ve stayed here forever.
I miss you, big head, most of all. I miss the girl chat. I will always love you; love this is not a word love is an Emotion, and I’m grateful that you loved me the way you did and accepted me even with my craziness.
I thought this would be a simple piece for me to write because I’m so used to putting my feelings on paper.
It’s not as simple as I thought it would be because researching to give people some knowledge on cancer has been around for years. People don’t realize that cancer has many different faces and has many different ages.
As I’m putting this piece together, I’m frustrated simply because all my research has been on children who have to live with different types of cancers, a battle for their lives, and hope and pray that they make it into adulthood.
As a family, how can we explain to any child that they are up against the biggest battle of their life, cancer? Of course, as children, they should not worry about something like cancer, but that’s not the reality for many children.
Cancer has been silent for many of them; that’s why a place like Saint Jude exists because we know our children need a niche that is going to be home away from home. It’s not just a hospital; it becomes a home away from home.
So how do we prepare any child to fight to have an everyday life? If it’s difficult for an adult to understand and battle cancer. I could imagine what a child would feel like when adults explain that they need to become like a superhero to overcome everything thrown at them.
Is Five-year-old fighting for their life is normal to me? And the answer is simply no; they should be out and about just being kids and not having to worry about fighting for their lives.
Saint Jude’s is a place away from home. They tell you constantly there is a place away from home; they don’t turn anybody away. But, they’re willing to fight with you and for you as long as you give them something to fight.
Everybody in the world has different battles, and we all fight them differently, but when it comes to kids, it’s hard. It’s more than complex. It’s unbearable to see them go through what they need to go through so they can have a chance to live.
It’s a place like Saint Judes that gives them that chance to fight for their lives and live for themselves and no one else and gives their families a sense of hope.
Saint Jude is that second family that everyone becomes a part of with no fear of being turned away. Saint Jude is that place that breaks their back to fight long aside with the families and tries to give them a sense of hope. Many of these families lose hope because sometimes it is difficult to adjust to their new normal. The new normal for those families is to become brave soldiers; they find new ways of treating and become less scary for a child.
The best part of saint Jude hospital is how far in being one of the best leading cancer research hospitals. The most important thing for everyone involved is to give every child a fighting chance to live.
Everything that is obtained for research is to help each child to become brave soldiers during their battle. The scary part about all of this is that the most terrifying is all the stories. I have encountered different children. Who are even too young to grasp what is genuinely happening to them entirely.
The main conclusion is that I no longer have the right to feel sorry for myself or my physical limitations because all these kids don’t ask why me or how? When people stop being consumed with myself and things that don’t matter. People would realize that there is so much more in the world, especially these kids who have every right to complain but don’t they greet with a smile? Instead of us making them feel better, they find a way to make us feel better.
Life is about being selfish. I believe this is when we should be selfish and give our future generation a chance to live an everyday life free of any disease taking over their bodies.
I need to love myself a little bit more. But, I can only do that by realizing that I need to let him go as much as I love him.
I’ve always been scared to let him go because he’s such a big part of my heart, but now I understand that for me to love myself, I have to be able to say goodbye now because I want to but because I have to. I have to find myself without him even though I know how my life is without him, but I can’t keep holding on to all of that doesn’t want me just because I like it.
Love is strength.
Loves is faith.
Love is loving yourself and understanding; that no one can give me my worth.
Love you telling the truth even when you don’t want to hear it.
Love is loving the imperfections we all have and not trying to change who we are just because love is in the air.
When will love not that your door is full of pain and magic?
If you can’t feel pain, that means you have not experienced real love. The love with pain is worth it because it’s awful beautiful, magical, incredible root word rewarding when we can find the one. It
Being the one is being the one you can’t live without.
Being the one, you can’t breathe without.
Being the one is knowing that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with that one. You’re ready to wake up every morning to the same face as long as both of you have a love for each other.
Being the one is being strong, knowing that not everything will be perfect, but it’s going to be accurate, and we’re going through it together.
You are theone who’s been willing to know that everyone comes with imperfections and does not mean rejection. What it means is acceptance for precisely who you are and what you are.
It is being the one who understands that everyone is going to have an opinion.
Being the one is having the strength within yourself to know and understand the love has its ups and downs, but through the rough water’s that any relationship goes through, both parties should not have the ability to walk away until everything is a workout. So we end up saying, I love you.
However, I have never been quite sure what his goal has been since I was born.
The only thing I have been sure of is having that gift of sharing my story on my blog and showing the rest of the world that the disabled community has a story to tell, and no one else doesn’t know our stories and struggles better than the ones who live it.
The world wants to believe that we should be put away or don’t want to better for ourselves because we already have so many limitations to who we are. My boundaries have made me strive for the best because the world doesn’t accept me to want the best for myself.
Now that I no longer have you, I wish I could have used my time the right way. At this point, what would have been the right way to spend our time together. Time with you seemed like quicksand; it seemed like no matter how many memories you and I tried to build, time was against us.
I am missing you more every day. Wishing and hope we could have had more. I love you. More time to be your forever, and you be mine forever. Now what keeps me going is knowing that one day we will finally be each other forever.
I’ve always been the first to apologize for how my heart feels. But there’s nothing to apologize for this time around. My heart has always known whether I excepted or not where I would like to be, even though I have never come close to being there. I’m in love, and I fear being in love because there are two types of love you could be in love with the person; you could be in love with the idea of being in love with someone.
I’m someone who does not only want to be in love with the idea of being in love; most importantly, I deserve to be in love with someone.
So I sincerely hope that I’m not falling in love with the idea of being in love with someone hope and pray that I’m in love with the person and that the idea of being in love with someone.
Call me bipolar because my emotions have a way of going up and down, or sometimes I find ways of going back and forth on my feelings like a scared little girl. Yes, I am 40 years, but I have the right to be afraid because I have not had control of my emotions.
UPS AND DOWN EMOTIONS BACK FORTH LOVING HATING INCOMPLETE LONELY
IF THINGS MAKE ME BIPOLAR, THEN I HAVE BEEN BIPOLAR ALL MY LIFE, AND I AM GOING TO OWN IT. I HAVE MADE MISTAKES IN LIFE, AND I AM STILL A MAKING PROCESS WHICH I AM STILL GOING TO HAVE SOME BUMPS ON THE ROAD.
So I AM GOING TO EVER BE COOKIE-CUTTER PERFECT. I AM ALSO NOT GOING TO ALLOW ANYONE TO HOLD MY MISTAKES OVER MY HEAD.
I CARRY MY MISTAKES AND THE PAIN OF MY MISTAKES EVERY DAY.
THE ONLY THING I HAVE BEEN CONSTAN ON IS WHEN I CHOOSE TO LOVE, I LOVE HARD, AND I ALWAYS KNEW WHO I HAVE LOVED NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME HAS GONE BY. EVEN THOUGH WE BOTH LIVE SEPARATE LIVES.
Is knowing who I am. I am not caring what anybody thinks about me because I refuse to live for anyone else but myself. Becoming myself understands that God created me the way he did because he knows there would not be anyone else like me. Becoming myself Is excepting all the parts with me, even the parts that I hate about myself.
Becoming myself has always been something that I struggle with. After all, I don’t know what I am like because I always try to please everyone around me and what people expect of me, so I never really got a chance to be myself.
No one ever has to agree on how I feel, but the way I feel is like I am just a painting on the wall that people have no other choice but to pass by on occasions when they need to go in a particular direction.
I am a painting that no one bothers to move or dust off to ensure that I continue to shine through.
I believe artwork in galleries gets more acknowledgment than I do.
I’m supposed to be a part of something. But, unfortunately, I’m not even close to feeling a part of anything or anyone.
No matter what to feel a part of something or someone has never worked.
I don’t know if it’s because I have not put my best foot forward to make things work or people see me as I see myself, and that is a straight Burden.
God, please wrap your arms around her and let her know that she’s not alone.
God, I’m asking you from the bottom of my heart, please shield her from her gloomy thoughts. Prove to her that you’re listening to her even when she’s crying.
Of course, the more time she loses faith in herself, she’s going to lose faith in you. But, still, you are the only one that can show her that losing faith in you is the worst thing anyone can do because you always put us on this earth with a purpose even though we may never know what the goal is but there’s a purpose to why everyone is here or the people we end up.
She believes that you have placed her on this earth to suffer nothing more, nothing less, but I know differently, and I also know she has to hit rock bottom and stop questioning your actions so she can get what she deserves better yet what she needs and not what she wants. God doesn’t leave her, so she doesn’t let herself go in your name. I pray, amen. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
I’m smiling because I refuse to show anyone my sadness to anyone. I smile because I’m tired of crying. I smile when the thought of him comes into my mind, but I can’t help and be angry at myself because I have many unanswered questions. What Happened? Why did he choose to go M.I.A? I don’t want things like they use to be because I know we can’t relive what used to be. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
The only way Positivity will come in my direction is when I learn how to ignore others’ negativity, including my own.
How to push through the negativities? First is going through the darkness until I can create a tunnel, so I’m able to see the bright light of happiness.
Anything that lives in the darkness can come to light when Positivity can fight its way through the night.
Cleaning leads us to find things that we probably never thought of finding until I found myself cleaning.
It took 11 years to findthe papers that were supposed to be my forever but became a lesson learnedthat did not come out of a princess book.
Princess books have stories of love, honor & respect that are always there no matter what happens.
Finding my marriage license was like seeing a ghost that showed up with no warming but, after the shock wore off, I could not help myself and go back to that day full of nerves and Happiness, Happiness because for once, I was doing something for me and no one else.
That day represented so much for me like I stopped being the girlfriend and crazy enough became his wife.
Then reality came knocking, and that was marriage was not all about the papers but more about hard work that he and I were clueless about.
I was genuinely naïve and thought we were going to be forever.
When secretly, I was just in love with the idea of being in love.
Eleven years and the only thing left to show for that chapter in my life is a piece of paper. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
A lifetime is simple forever. A lifetime is a chance to grow together. Also, understand that it’s okay to be our person outside of our forever. Lifetime should be something that no other human being besides God can pull apart. Lifetime is the commitment that someone should make only in their lives because they know they found the one. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
She held this little human being in her belly, giving them a chance. She held this tiny human in her stomach, allowing them to bond and have an opportunity to become one soul with each other. Nine months to watch and feel something growing inside of her, she is a fantastic feeling for anyone who has wanted to be a mother.
A Child is a true blessing and miracle that everyone should experience in their own time. Still, she was not ready for that experience, so as she was signing this little life away, feeling like she was signing her death sentence.
Signing those papers was definitely like signing a part of herself away. But also understood that no matter what happened from this day forward, she would never be the whole because a part of her would be missing.
Being unselfish is knowing and understanding that this little human being deserved a better life than she was ready to give this little person. Giving life to another person was an incredible feeling for her because she had the opportunity to live every moment of every second, watching this little person come in and leave simultaneously.
Life is full of choices, and she chose life for this little person that will forever be full of questions but, there is one question this little person should never have, and that’s how much this human being is loved just because she was able to be unselfish by putting their needs before her. To bound and have an opportunity to become one soul with each other.
Nine months to watch and feel something growing inside of her, she is a fantastic feeling for anyone who has wanted to be a mother.
A Child is a true blessing and miracle that everyone should experience in their own time, but truthful speaking, she was not ready for that experience, so as she was signing this little life away she, felt like she was signing her death sentence.
Signing those papers was definitely like signing a part of herself away, and she also understood that no matter what she did from this day forward, she was never going to the entire whole because a part of her was going to be missing.
Being unselfish is knowing and understanding that this little human being deserved a better life than she was ready to give this little person.
Giving life to another person was an incredible feeling for her because she had the opportunity to live every moment of every second, watching this little person come in and leave simultaneously.
Life is full of choices, and she chose life for this little person that will forever be full of questions but, there is one question this little person should never have, and that’s how much this human being is loved just because she was able to be unselfish by putting their needs before her own. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I don’t want to fall in love. When I fall in love, I fall in hard. By loving as hard as I do, I’m able to love him with his scars, even with the broken heart he walked in. I don’t want to fall in love because I forget who I am anytime I find myself in love. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I love hard. I love fearless. I love with strength. I love with faithfulness. I love knowing that love can conquerors all as long as we will put our best foot forward. Love is used as a band-aid to cover those things we don’t want to show. If we are not willing to love without conditions, then we can not enjoy it. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
If we do start over, how do we even know where to begin.
Those questions can & only be answered by God as long as we place our faith in him.
Anytime something happens to alter our lives, trust that God has a lesson that needs him to teach in his way and help us grow or help understand things that, in other ways, we would not be able to understand ourselves.
So at this point, God is the only one who knows where and who will join us. Don’t question God, allow him to do what he does best, and challenge us anytime he blesses us with a brand new day. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Thank You Thank you for loving me. Thank you for pulling me apart when you did. Thank you for allowing me to find the strength within myself that I thought I never had. Because of the man you were in life, I am the woman who I’m today.
The woman I am today is. Strong Smart Independent, I also understand that falling in love with the idea of being in love is the wrong way to love someone. Most importantly, I want to thank him for teaching me that I deserve better and that a better person is who I’m today. Ms. Butterfly Genesis �
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 