Here we go. Starting another week off trying not to drag my feet—because I know I’ve got the rest of the week to do just that. It’s Monday, and the only thing that comes to mind is how much I miss being a kid. Back when the air felt lighter, and my body didn’t carry the weight of expectations. Back when I didn’t wake up with a lump in my throat and a list of things I’m supposed to be.
I miss the version of me that didn’t know what burnout felt like. The version that believed Mondays were just another day to play. Now Mondays feel like a slow unraveling. Like I’m stitching myself together just enough to pass as “okay.” Like I’m performing stability for a world that doesn’t ask if I’m tired—just if I’m productive.
I didn’t just live without worry—I lived with the quiet comfort of knowing someone else was doing the worrying for me. Someone who made the world feel padded, like even if I fell, I’d land softly. Now I wake up and realize I am the padding. I am the worrier. And I don’t know when that shift happened, but I feel it in my bones. In the way I double-check everything. In the way I smile when I want to cry. In the way I carry everyone else’s weight like it’s mine.
I miss being held. Not just physically, but emotionally. I miss the unspoken promise that someone would catch me. Now I catch myself. And some days, I don’t even want to.
It’s Monday. And I’m tired. Not just from lack of sleep, but from pretending I’m not overwhelmed. From pretending I don’t miss the girl who used to believe the world was kind. From pretending I’m not grieving the simplicity I didn’t know I had.
I wish you could see me now. Not because I need you to, but because I finally can. I’m in the most peaceful place I’ve ever known. If I had known then what I know now, I would’ve fought harder to find myself sooner. But this version of me needed time to bloom. She’s softer. She’s stronger. She’s mine. Peace isn’t just a feeling—it’s a face, and today it looks like me.
I see you not just in the mirror, but in the movement. In the way Mabel Inc. rose from a dream into a declaration. You didn’t just build something—you built yourself. You didn’t wait for permission. You didn’t ask for applause. You made space where there was none, and then filled it with color, clarity, and community.
You lived beyond people’s expectations. Not above them, not beneath them—beyond. You learned to hold yourself accountable, even when the fault wasn’t yours. You stopped deflecting and started reflecting. That’s growth. That’s grace.
I’m proud of you—not just for what you’ve done, but for how you’ve done it. For the woman you’ve become. For the woman you keep becoming. Because I know you. You don’t stop at milestones—you remix them into launchpads. You don’t settle. You soar.
You’ve never let anyone write your story. You’ve always held the pen. And when people tried to write on you, you turned their ink into art. You made sure no chapter was skipped and no detail was erased. You’ve lived loud, loved hard, and documented every inch of it with intention.
So keep going. Keep growing. Keep glowing.
This letter isn’t a goodbye—it’s a bookmark. I’ll meet you on the next page.
Last night, my conversation with God was easy. No thunder. No trembling sky. Just one question, soft-spoken, But heavy like a thousand unsaid things.
I didn’t ask for miracles. I asked if she’d ever understand. Not you—God. Her. The woman who gave me life But clipped the wings before I learned to fly.
She won’t ask God. She won’t ask if she ever knew the pain of removing pieces of me like clutter from a shelf— because she felt like it, because she thought it wasn’t good enough for the version of me she imagined.
And maybe that’s the part that stings. Not the silence. Not the absence. But the belief that a mother could mold a child by subtraction.
I take my seat in this life With full accountability. I own the detours, The broken mirrors, The dreams I folded into corners because I thought they’d fit better there.
But what gets under my skin— What burns slow like incense in a locked room— Is the thought, not the proof, just the thought that someone who gave me breath might use that same power to choke out my becoming.
Not because she’s evil. Not because she hates me. But because she never saw the garden growing wild in my chest and thought the weeds were all there was.
And maybe I do sound crazy. But crazy is just the truth With no place to land.
So I ask God, not for vengeance, not for clarity, But for the grace to keep growing even when the soil remembers Every hand that tried to uproot.
I ride the rails of a storm-spun soul, tested by flames, I swore I’d tame. The world asked me to rise, But I curled beneath the weight of “not yet.”
My mind stands sharp—unbothered, a fortress built on I-don’t-care-anymore. But my heart? She clings to threads like lifelines, prays in bruised whispers that nothing else shatters.
Impossibility isn’t the truth; It is just fear dressed in shadows. And I? I am waiting For the day, I walk through without hiding.
I open the tattered book of yesterday, Where familiar faces haunt every line— A script of worn-out verses, repeated, unchanged.
Yet here I hold a pen of new resolve, Gently erasing guilt with each fresh stroke. I bid farewell not with anger but a soft promise, That these characters, rooted in old ways, Must learn to unbind—so I may turn the page.
Each word a quiet liberation, Each pause an invitation to dawn’s uncharted light.
I watch you step into your afterlife, the happiness we once dreamed of in tandem. And I whisper my congratulations, But my heart cracks beneath the weight of truth— That it should have been me.
Time does not rewind, No hands turn back the stubborn clock, And yet, my mind does laps around the past, tracing every step, every misstep, wondering if love was ever mine to hold.
I see it now, the quiet unraveling— The words I never said, the fears I never named, The walls I built were doors that should have been. I gave you Wonder Woman, But what I needed was just to be me— flawed, afraid, needing.
If I could do it all alone, Why did I promise forever? Why did I stand beside you only to let the words I wielded like knives Cut us apart?
Now, the ink is dry, the papers signed, And I am left learning the most brutal truth: That hurt does not justify hurting, that love cannot be forced backward, That your heart has long ceased being mine.
Three years to mend what time had carved, Seventeen years of echoes, unstarved. I poured transparency like rain, Yet the past refused to drain.
We lived yesterday, never today, God gave a door, but we stayed in the hallway. And when the storm came crashing through, I found myself whispering sorry—again, anew.
Wanting so deeply, my grip turned tight, Love is fragile when held too right. I chased the past, hoping to bend, But in my grasp, it broke again.
What could have been, what should have stayed, spinning dreams on a carousel, frayed. I prayed for a second chance to prove, Yet walked in circles, lost in the groove.
I should not let another’s whisper command the tides within my heart. Yet one breath—just one— And I am weightless, adrift in longing, forgetting that I am the keeper of my thoughts, my love.
No more waiting by the window, No more wishing in the hush of midnight that he turns, that he sees, That he aches for me as I once dreamed him beside me.
He must be worthy— worthy like I must be. Yet if I am untended, If I do not cradle my name in reverence, How could I ever be worthy of him?
So I begin— not for him, not for the fleeting touch of desire, But for me. For the mirror that whispers truth, for the hands that hold my heart steady. I begin, and that is enough.
What else is left to say when the heart has screamed itself hoarse, when its walls have cracked wide open so someone—anyone—could see the blue blood spilling, pleading without words?
But wounds can be blind, too, scarred thick like stone— too numb to flinch, too closed to break again.
And so, silence swallows the echoes, and the heart learns what it already knew— some cries fall softly into the abyss, unheard.
I want my heart to still, to silence the echo of your name. I want my ribs to unburden the weight of love carved too deep.
If I could unfeel, I could unhurt. If I could unlove, I could unbreak. But wishes slip through trembling hands, and prayers unravel in the wind.
One day, perhaps, you will step into my life as easily as you step away. We will fold into each other like pages in a book, then tear apart at the spine, It was never meant to be reread.
I can wish. I can beg the stars to rewrite our fate. But life is not kind with guarantees. And love—love is never ours to command.
I opened a chapter of my life, I thought she might read my words, Understand my heart, Comprehend the weight of where I stood.
But her response? “Throw it away”—as if feelings could be discarded, Like remnants of broken things.
Yet what I feel is not trash. It’s love— Love for someone who was my person Though I was never theirs.
From the sidelines, I hope, I pray for a sliding door to open, To slip back inside the space we shared, To rewrite the story without time’s shackles.
I love him for more than reasons: For the way, he gave me wings. With him, I was me, He made me feel— Butterflies, fire, and untethered desire.
I didn’t have to think; I learned to follow the trail of my feelings, To love him as fiercely as myself. And now, ten years—ten lifetimes—later, When they tell me to discard him, To get rid of a decade’s worth of aching truths, I ask, How do you throw love away?
Love is not disposable. Love is the journey of bruises and beauty, The lessons are carved by pain and strength. Love is grace, It’s kindness. Love is life’s mirror— Love is you.
Society speaks of mothers as those who give birth— But truth sways softly in its quiet worth. To nurture, to guide, to teach with love— A mother’s essence rises far above.
Not flesh nor blood defines her role, But the steadfast care that heals the soul. She whispers wisdom, dreams that soar, And disciplines with a heart that restores.
Motherhood is a mantle, weighted and accurate— It’s the love that embraces when the world is cruel. The one who wakes, who listens, who sees— Who loves without measure, despite displease.
No mistake is too big, no flaw too deep— For her, love is a lighthouse where we weep. A mother is far more than birth and name— Her nurturing heart sets her aflame.
Moving forward doesn’t mean you have to sever ties with the memories or the feelings—they can accompany you, not as anchors, but as echoes of what shaped you. Acknowledge the pain, but also allow space for new joys to settle. It’s okay to feel afraid; fear has a strange way of signaling growth.
What if you focus on looking within yourself instead of looking towards them? The strength and light that person once gave you might already be within you—it just needs nurturing. Could that perspective help you soften the hurt while still carrying it in your heart?
I tinted his heart with shades of regret, Lost in the echoes of words unsaid. It is more straightforward to break than to mend, Love, denied, refused to bend. Years pass, and the weight still clings, In the silence, my heartstrings sing. Seeking peace in the fragments of the past, Hoping for an opportunity,
It’s another late night for me, with my mind running away without knowing if I will ever stop running.
Apart from hopes, I will stop running because I need a mental break; this is when balance is key for all my thoughts and actions.
Balance is so important to me right now because, with balance, I can find such a firm peace with myself that things that I struggled with I have allowed to roll off my back. I want it to be like second nature sooner rather than later.
That would mean other people would not disturb the peace of mind I am building for myself.
It’s been a while since I put pen to paper, so here goes nothing. 2024 is leaving, and we’re welcoming 2025 into our lives; those who have to leave things behind should and will leave them behind because the whole point of a New Beginning is being able to leave the old baggage behind. I’m saying that all to say that I’m saying that all to say this.
I’m leaving 2024 with a lot of blessings and a lot of opportunities that I never thought in 1 million years I would have always seen, and one of the significant things that I am proud to say 2024 has given me is a new lease on life and the newest chapter of my life. And those who know me know I am a total girly girl throwing through. That’s what I am. That’s what I’ve always been.
For the last few weeks, I’ve been contemplating buying myself a ring—not just any ring, but one that represents recommitment to myself as a person and a woman.
When people or the world chooses to look down at my hands and ask me what that is, I will say it’s a commitment I have made to myself coming into 2025. I’m committing to having the best relationship with myself that I can have. Before I can have any relationship with someone else, I’m committing to putting myself first and foremost.
I’m also committing to being kind and understanding to myself, and I’m also committing to loving and growing with myself as I grow; I know I will make mistakes because who doesn’t make mistakes?
But those mistakes are gonna be my learning stepping stone to becoming a better version of who I know I can be and should be for myself and no one else. Who better to be married to me than me? I choose me for now and forever. It’s all me.
Pen and paper is the only way I can communnot notith you right now . Pendant paper is the only way I can allow not nott to break and cries those unwanted tears. I’ve been holding back for so long by choice. Pen and paper is the only way I truly see myself and my heart whether it’s breaking or weather is being held on by a string, but whatever it is, this is the only way I can show it. Goddamn, how I wish you were here to see and hear everything no I don’t want you to decide with me because I know you won’t. I know his blood so he takes priority. I just wish you were here to listen, and then of course side with him one of the very last conversations you and I ever had was about set individual and you asked me if I ever thought about reuniting our lives together and I told you I would give anything and everything to make that happen. But your girl was wrong. I couldn’t do it or I wouldn’t do it because of fear of things blowing up again in my face I love and I love hard and there’s no other way I know how to love. I guess what I’m trying to let you know without going in circles is that I fucked up again but this time I acknowledge that I fucked up because he asked me for one simple thing and I believe that I asked him for one simple thing, but neither one of those simple things could’ve been met by either one of us Honestly girl when I was with him, I enjoyed every moment every second of every time we could be together I didn’t waste it and you how I know I didn’t waste it because every time I went home I couldn’t wait till the next time we were together, but what made it cheap for me was that I knew it was just a moment and in that moment, I was looking for more than just a moment but once again scary cat me couldn’t or did not know how to say that without making such subject so uncomfortable. I never wanted to ruin the moments talking about feelings and what I needed from the subject but sometimes I couldn’t help myself. I went off on impulse and I just opened myself up and said I loved you and I know now that you’re my person.
No, now I’m sitting on my bed right into you because it’s the only way I can communicate with you and I’m never going to stop saying how much I fucking miss you and I know, and you should be disappointed in me because I feel like besides letting myself down once again After so much prayer of hoping that me and said subject could ever be it didn’t happen and it did not happen because of me because even though things happen so long ago, I live certain memories in my head anytime I would see that subject and I would wonder what I was doing with that subject if I felt the way that I did and the way that I felt was empty .
Empty because I was afraid to allow myself to feel anything but at the same time I was lying to myself because I did feel I just didn’t feel the right feelings at the right moment I felt anger I felt deception. I felt disappointment. I would always ask myself on the way home . How the fuck can I continue to do with this when I know that my heart was covered with pain, rage and confusion and most importantly love..
Is it too much to ask for the subject to pour as much love as I was pouring onto them? I guess it was because even though they say my mouth that they forgive me for all the stupidity that I ever did it felt like they didn’t because at times they were unbelievably stoic with me. It was like somebody else was with me And not not the person I was used to period like I said when we last saw each other and spoke to each other over the phone. I believe you were the only one rooting for us to get back what we had to preserve it and if we got that second chance Not to look back or to pay attention to things the people would’ve said, and I’m sorry that I let you down. I’m even sorry that I let myself down but I’ve come to realize that the word sorry it’s just a Band-Aid and I’m tired of being covered in Band-Aids. I don’t wanna be covered in Band-Aids anymore. I want to be free of Band-Aids and I hope you understand that being free of Band-Aids is being free of him even though my heart wants what it wants and it wants said subject, but I’m just a big fuck up and I can’t continue saying I’m sorry and continue to do the same bullshit over and over again expecting for four subject to forgive me just because I said I was sorry when and only when someone is really sorry they would never do anything to cause anyone
I also have to let you in on a little secret. He hasn’t been the same since you’ve been gone, but of course I don’t need to tell you that because you were were his own personal diary and you took a lot of of his dirty secrets with you even how he felt about me Those years we spent without speaking to one another honestly, I wish you were here for so many reasons that we won’t get into right now, but one of the most important reasons I wish you were here is so sad subject could have life back into his heart because I’m clueless on how he’s made it this long Without you. For me it’s been a true nightmare, not having you around to talk to to see to laugh to make plans with I miss you and no one will ever take your place in my heart and I hope nobody takes my place in your heart. I love you And I’ll talk to you soon. I don’t know how soon but I’ll talk to you again because I hear you screaming your head off probably cussing me out and I deserve it.. I love you big head and I hope as you’re up there looking down on all of us you teach me not to forget but to forgive myself because that is my biggest pet peeve and struggle. I’ve never learned how to forgive myself. I can forgive others for doing me dirty , but I can’t forgive myself, which takes away the purpose of forgiving others because I have to be able to forgive myself in order for me to forgive others and I’m ass backwards. You should know that I shouldn’t have to tell you well either way I love you and I miss you and I hope That wherever you are you’re still watching over all of us why wow we try our very best to keep living..
I had to make 1,000,001 mistakes to finally understand how strong I am and how worthy I am of who I am because of what I’ve been through in my life. I wouldn’t say I like giving people credit for helping me become who I am today, but who I am today is not who I was yesterday. I always thought I felt like I needed a man to feel complete or to feel accomplished, but I don’t. I know that I don’t because, once upon a time, I was stripped away from everything I thought would find me as a person and partner. Still, I’m so far away from the person I was, and I’m even shocked to say I’m so proud of myself for coming as far as I’ve come.
It’s great when you have someone to share your life with, and you can have pillow talks at night with that person Because that’s supposed to be your person. Still, it’s also OK to be alone and discover who you are without someone, and who I am is someone powerful, very determined, very outgoing, willing to learn and make mistakes and admit to them when they get done. I’m not perfect.
I have a mouth. I struggle to ask for help because my disability makes me feel like a burden, so asking for help makes me feel like more of a burden. The last thing I want to do is be anyone’s burden, but I’ve learned throughout my journey that if you don’t ask for help, Things will fall apart because everyone needs help.
Everyone deserves help. There’s a difference between helping and handing everything to that person. You can help someone help themselves.
You don’t have to hand them everything for you to help them. I’ve learned that helping me doesn’t mean handling things. It means Just helping me by guiding me and giving me advice whether I ask for it why not. Through my journey of self discovery I’ve learned that I’m OK with myself.
I don’t always have to like myself, but I do have to be OK with myself and right now where I’m at in my life. I’m OK with my self because I know what it’s like to rely on myself and no one else.
At the beginning, it was overwhelming and it still can be overwhelming sometimes, but I have to keep reminding myself I can and I will do what I have to do for myself because if I don’t do it for myself, then there is no purpose to do what I want to do With myself all my life because I’m not doing it for the right reason.
Life should not be about pleasing others. Life should be about living the way I wanna live and discover and be fearless as I’m living the life. I want to live not the life.
Everybody else wants me to live. I’m not gonna lie. I know the reason why my family keeps me in a bubble Because if they’re willing to do things for me, I’m gonna allow them to do them for me not because I can’t do it myself, but because they’re willing to do it for me and that’s my mistake is allowing them to do things that I can do for myself.
That’s why they don’t believe in my independence from them because I’ve had them cater to me for 43 years and now that I’m trying to break free and I’m going to break free With God‘s will. Ms. Butterfly GENESIS
Those who have followed me know I am a disabled blogger, and As a disabled blogger, I share my life with the world. But with that comes a lot of criticism. People think my posts are just me complaining, but I’m trying to show people the real me.
This is my life, and no one else is writing it. Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of this post. I want to hear the words I’m proud of you, no matter what I’ve accomplished.
I want to hear them. I’m proud of you and knew you could do it despite your limitations. But sadly, I’m 43 years old, and I haven’t heard those words from anyone who’s given me life and purpose and pushed me for the last 43 years so I can keep living.
I thought I was here to be as successful and independent as possible, but that’s not the case with my mother-and-daughter relationship. I’m 43, and she’s given up her life journey for me because, like I’ve said before, I’m a burden.
So, she thinks and wants me to believe that, but I don’t because I know I can and will do what I have to do for myself, not anyone else. It drives me crazy that just because I’m disabled, I’m supposed to be a piece of furniture that doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, and doesn’t do anything. That’s not who I am.
I’ve never been that person. She’s always told me out of all my children; you’ve been the most defining child I’ve had because I know I can and will do for myself as much as I can, and the things I can’t do for myself, I will find someone to help me do those things for myself because I know what I need for myself to be me.
As a parent, I’d ensure my child is self-sufficient, regardless of ability. The hardest thing for a parent is leaving a child unprepared for life. I thought our relationship would become simpler as she matured and saw me as an adult. But I’m not a child.
I may need help physically, but I can take care of everything mentally. There’s nothing wrong with my brain. I’m not afraid to learn or teach. I thought I’d told her I’m not afraid to live beyond my limitations. I’m not afraid of my limitations; they’ve become my greatest strength. My strength goes beyond anything anyone could imagine.
Hey, Mom, I have something super important to share with you. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me, but I also think it’s time for us to figure out what we can and can’t do without each other. You’ve given me so much of yourself, and I want you to know I appreciate it.
But I also need to take care of myself and my own needs. I’m not saying I don’t love you, but I need to spread my wings and fly. I know it’s scary to think about being without each other, but I also know it’s time for us to find peace and happiness.
I know you’ve done your part and deserve your time to find out who you are without me. I’m so proud of the amazing person you’ve raised me to be, and I know you’ll always be there for me, even if we’re not always together. Trust yourself, Mom. You’ve done an incredible job, and I know you’ll always be my rock.
I‘m grappling with the reasons behind my high expectations for our meeting. I regret that I placed such a heavy burden on our interaction.
The easy answer or the cowardly answer would be. I’ve missed you for a long time, so I took a leap of faith in something. I had yet to learn how it was going to turn out or if it was going to turn out at all. The fact that I miss you does not hurt. I allow myself to build up all these different expectations because we’re adults, and we should be able to lay all the cards on the table and speak our truth.
Whatever our truth is, that’s what we should speak about. I’m angry at myself for setting myself up for expectations. I’m always the first one to preach about not expecting anything. That way, when you don’t receive what you believe you should’ve received, there’s no disappointment because there were no expectations. The excitement of knowing I would be in your presence again over to my better judgment and memory loss of the times you chose to go MIA on me.
Once again, I’ve learned that having no expectations is better than having some, as I’m tired of being let down. Even with all the disappointments I’ve been through, I’ve always managed to see the good in people. But if I were to disappoint someone, I’d be the worst person alive. Yet, as I’ve learned, it’s better not to expect than to expect something from nothing.
Do you think following your heart makes you stupid? I’m afraid I have to disagree. Letting your heart lead shows you’re willing to embrace life’s uncertainties and to feel deeply even when there’s no guarantee.
Sure, it’s left you with questions and maybe some hurt, but isn’t that part of being authentically human?
Maybe the real issue isn’t that your heart is too open but that others haven’t met you with the same sincerity.
What would it look like to protect your heart without closing it off entirly?
I hate reliving the past, but it is so difficult not when a simple word can take me to a negative part of something that was supposed to be a dream come true. It was a dream come true the first day I was on cloud nine because my heart overflowed with love.
Anytime I saw our lives together, I saw it through his eyes because having the ability to see through his eyes made everything seem peaceful and grateful. I was selfish because I wanted and needed things to be perfect.
I never really understood what the obsession needed to be perfect until a few years later, I found myself in situations where it was not so perfect for me to be apart.
Not being perfect was out of the question because I did not want him to rethink his choice of being with me.
So, in my mind, I had to be flossed because even though the world never asked me to be perfect, I put pressure on myself to be someone I was never built to be.
MY DESIRE TO SCREAM I PROMISE TO ANYONE WHO IS CRAZY ENOUGH TO READ THIS THAT MY DESIRE TO SCREAM IS A NEED AND JUST A WANT.
I NEED TO SCREAM BECAUSE IF I DON’T FIND THE STRENGTH WITHIN MYSELF TO DO SOMETHING I HAVE DENIED FOR YEARS BECAUSE OF THE FEAR OF NO ONE LISTENING TO ME.
I HAVE ALWAYS SAID NO ONE WILL EVER LISTEN TO MY ACHED HEART, BUT HOW DO I KNOW THAT WHEN I HAVE NEVER TRIED TO LEAVE MYSELF OPEN TO SAY WHAT I FEEL OR IF ANYONE IS SAYING SOMETHING, I AM NOT READY TO SHUT DOWN LIKE A LAPTOP OR AN IPAD.
HOW CAN I MAKE PROGRESS AS A PERSON WHO WANTS AND NEEDS TO LISTEN BETTER TO MOVE FORWARD IN LIFE? I AM CONSTANTLY CHOOSING TO CHECK OUT EVERY CHANCE I GET BECAUSE THAT’S ALWAYS BEEN THE EASIEST THING FOR ME. I DON’T WANT ANYONE READING THIS TO BELIEVE I LOVE HAVING THINGS HANDED TO ME. I WILL WORK FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE AND WANT IN MY LIFE.
WHEN IT COMES TO SHARING MY FEELINGS ON PAPER, I FEEL LIKE I DO GREAT EVEN THOUGH MY ENGLISH SOMETIMES MIGHT NOT BE ENGLISH TO PEOPLE WHO TRY AND READ MY FEELING BECAUSE THERE MIGHT BE WORDS MISSING OR A WHOLE ASS SENTENCE IS MISSING, SO IT THROWS THE PIECE OFF.
EVEN THOUGH THE WHOLE WORLD HAS TOLD ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO GIVE UP SOMETHING LIKE WRITING THAT I LOVE MORE
THAN ANYTHING ELSE THAT HAS BEEN A PART OF LIFE.
PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE LANGUAGES; MINE HAPPENS TO BE WRITING. I COULD AND WILL NOT SEE MYSELF HAVING ANOTHER LOVE LANGUAGE.
I’m blessed that I am going to be blessed to see 43.
It’s a blessing because I was not supposed to make it past a few hours after entering this world.
Coming into this world, two pounds and one ounce, anything and everything is questionable.
God saw something special in me. He pushed me strong enough that I could still be here 43 years later when sometimes I question myself and my existence in the world.
I want to believe why I question my existence when I understand if I can question why I am still here when I have nothing important to show for the 43 years of my life.
The only thing I have to show my 43 years are the scars my heart holds on to from the many times it has been used and abused by the world we live in because my heart has always struggled to see the bad in people.
When people read this piece, they will say, “Stop complaining, and don’t do anything to change your life so you may feel better about it.”
The only response I could give was that I felt stuck within myself. I have imagined many times before where I would have been at the age of 43, owing something that is my own and independently away from my mama, showing her that she has given me many tools to survive on my own.
I will always need to know whether she and I share the same space.
Love is over Reddit, and I am not even worried if love finds me again because the best person to love is me, even though I can be honest with myself and say I have not always been the most loving person to myself.
Once in a while, I might fall back into old habits because I have no clue how to not be hard on myself.
As widow's tears blend with the rain,
My heart whispers your name in vain.
Desire's flame burns, fierce and bright,
Yet shadows loom in love's dim light.
Beside you, blessings I seek to find,
A union of body, soul, and mind.
Yearning for the days of yore,
When minds entwined and spirits soared.
A gift divine, this sacred form,
Not to be taken by passion's storm.
A true man walks the path of heart,
Where love's deep roots take hold and start.
In the dance of past and present's embrace,
We seek the touch of a deeper grace.
To know each other beyond the skin,
Where the soul's journey truly begins.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
It’s remarkable how life can surprise us, isn’t it? Reconnecting with someone after years can be both exhilarating and nerve-wracking. Your willingness to open that door and reach out shows courage and a genuine desire to reconnect.
Starting anew can be both challenging and rewarding. It’s like planting a seed and watching it grow into something beautiful.
Even though you’re beginning from scratch, remember that every conversation, every shared moment contributes to rebuilding that bond. Sometimes, the strongest connections emerge from unexpected places.
As for impulsive decisions, they’re part of being human. We all make them, and sometimes they lead us down unexpected paths.
Taking accountability is a sign of maturity and self-awareness. Perhaps this fresh start will allow you both to learn, grow, and create new memories together.
Waiting is a state of mind
A test of patience and endurance
A challenge of faith and hope
A struggle of doubt and fear
Waiting is a game of time
A countdown of seconds and minutes
A stretch of hours and days
A measure of weeks and months
Waiting is a choice of action
A pause of movement and speech
A delay of plans and goals
A postponement of dreams and desires
Waiting is a chance of change
A growth of wisdom and maturity
A learning of lessons and skills
A discovery of self and others
Waiting is a part of life
A reality of love and loss
A possibility of joy and sorrow
A mystery of fate and destiny
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
The world spins on, and I'm here standing still,
Haunted by the space that only you can fill.
I've penned my chapters, but the ink runs dry,
It's your name that echoes under every sky.
Oh, the one who got away, do you feel the space we made?
In every crowd, it's you I seek, in every shadow, every shade.
I'm stepping forward, but my heart remains behind,
In the hope that you'll return, and once more I'll find...
The safety of your arms, the harbor of your embrace,
Where every shattered piece falls back into place.
You're the missing verse, the melody that stays,
The home within your arms, the light in all my days.
I've tried to lock the door, leave the past behind,
But your love was the key, the one of a kind.
If whispers in the wind could bring you to my door,
I'd send a thousand words, like waves upon the shore.
Oh, the one who got away, can you hear my heart's refrain?
I'm searching for the echo of your voice, calling my name.
I'm moving forward, but I'm looking back in vain,
For the one who got away, to bring me home again.
So here's my love letter, to the one who slipped through,
The one who held my heart, in ways only you knew.
If you ever feel lost, if you ever long for home,
Remember my arms are waiting, and you're never alone.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Saying goodbye is like unraveling a tightly woven tapestry. Each thread, each memory, clings to the fabric of our existence. The door stands before us, its hinges creaking with the weight of our shared history. We hesitate, fingers brushing against the wood, torn between longing and resignation.
He, a phantom etched into the corridors of our souls, resides in the quiet chambers of memory. His laughter echoes through the corridors, a haunting melody that refuses to fade. We trace the contours of his absence, seeking solace in the familiar ache.
But the door beckons, its grainy surface promising release. We grapple with the paradox: to close it is to sever the lifeline that binds us, yet to leave it ajar is to perpetuate the ache. The threshold becomes a battleground where hope and despair engage in silent combat.
And so, we stand there, caught in the gravity of our emotions. The door becomes a mirror, reflecting our fractured selves. We weigh the cost of closure—the void that awaits—against the burden of perpetuity. The heart, stubborn and resilient, clings to the past, unwilling to relinquish its grip.
Yet, deep down, we know. Draining him from our veins is an impossible alchemy. Love, once infused, defies extraction. It courses through our arteries, a bittersweet elixir. We ache for closure yet fear the void it leaves behind.
Perhaps, in the quiet of the night, we’ll whisper our goodbyes. The door will yield, inch by inch, until only a sliver remains. And there, in that narrow gap, we’ll find our equilibrium—a fragile balance between holding on and letting go.
In the end, goodbye is not an ending; it’s a bridge to another chapter. And as we step across, we carry the echoes of love, the weight of memories, and the promise of healing.
Strength, indeed, is a remarkable form of beauty. It transcends mere appearances, reaching deep within the core of every woman. It’s the quiet resilience that carries her through storms, the unwavering determination that fuels her dreams, and the fierce courage that propels her forward.
Beyond the surface, where skin meets sunlight, lies a force that defies gravity. It’s the strength to rise after every fall, to lift others even when her own shoulders ache. It’s the beauty of scars—etched stories of battles fought and won.
A woman’s power is like the ocean—vast, mysterious, and teeming with life. She nurtures, creates, and transforms. Her laughter echoes through generations, and her tears water the roots of empathy. She is both the gentle breeze and the tempest, the quiet whisper and the thunderclap.
So let us celebrate this unseen beauty, this strength that binds us all. For it is in the quiet moments, the unyielding spirit, and the shared sisterhood that we glimpse the true power of a woman. 🌟💪🌸
Your birthday came and went, and I couldn’t even focus on writing you a simple post like I usually do on your birthday and the day of your anniversary.
Writing would be easier because all I have left is a pen and paper to communicate with you.
I hate that the only way I can communicate with you is through paper and pen, but I’ll settle so that I can talk to you, and maybe one day, you send me a sign that you’re reading what I’m writing to you.
There are so many things that I lay up later that night wondering how we would have celebrated you and shown you that we loved you and they were blessed to have you, even if it is just you being an angel; there are so many things that I lay up later that night wondering how would we have celebrated you and showed you that we loved.
I’m assuming you get tired of listening to us tell you how much we miss and love you and wish you were still here with us so you could be enjoying every moment and every second the way we are so that we could feel complete.
I will share a little secret with you, even though I know nothing is a secret, because you can see everything from where you are. I’ve been made to feel like your departure shouldn’t hurt me or that I shouldn’t consider you my sister-in-law because I’m no longer married to your knucklehead brother. It kills me when anyone says she wasn’t family to you and we were family because you and I would always consider ourselves sister-in-laws no matter how much time went by.
I had no clue that for me to feel your departure, you and I had to have blood running through our veins, the same blood for me to fill anything from your departure. To this day, I’m still waiting for anyone to wake me up from the nightmare of you not being here and me not being able to pick up the phone and hear your voice or send you a funny text message and wait for you to respond.
It’s a nightmare when your birthday comes around because I have no one to call to wish her a happy birthday and tell you. I’ll see you soon. Besides that, I have no one to gossip with, no one to share my feelings with, or just plain laugh with.
If I had a genie in a bottle, they could make my three wishes come true. You would be number one, and for one reason only: you would be number one, and for one reason only, you would be number one because you have left so many people with many questions and answers we will never get. And I want to see you one last time.
I know I shouldn’t question your departure, and I’m not going to, but that doesn’t mean I’m not mad as hell, and the only reason why I’m mad as hell is that as much as I heard your voice that last day that has never been enough for me.
The other reason is that your brother doesn’t know what to do with himself without you here. I no longer want to see him in pain, and I know if you were here, he wouldn’t be in as much pain as he is in right now; he wouldn’t be questioning life if you were here.
I know you did not mean to leave your family, your children, but you left them with a lot of unanswered questions, and I just fucking miss you. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I miss you.
I want you here so I can know that I can pick up a phone and hear your voice at the end of the other line.
I love and miss you, and you will forever be my sister-in-law, no matter who, no matter who doesn’t like it.
Are we ever to say goodbye to anyone we care about?
I never had the chance to say goodbye. I know I should not feel like you cheated me out of more time with you. But I need to be honest with myself; I feel cheated. My head understands that you and I had no control over the time we would have and would not have.
My heart is a unique story. My heart is wondering when we can share those unfinished moments between.
Who is going to complete those promises that we would constantly talk about?
Who is going to make me laugh and cry at the same time?
I have no one to fight with because you decide the easiest thing to do is give up on yourself without any of the people in your life a second thought instead of updating you on what’s happening in life, which is a little.
I find myself struggling where I am. I know where I see myself and where I should be. The part I struggle with is I have a plan to get where I should be. The old baggage I refuse to let go of is the only thing holding me back. I am terrified to see who I would be without the baggage of pain and everything else that makes up my life. That’s why I am not where I should be. The most significant lesson life can teach anyone, including myself, is not to allow fear to control how we will move in the world.
For a long time, I thought that lying was the right thing to do, but self-consciously, I knew it was the wrong thing to do because I knew wrong, and I knew the truth from a lie.
I found it easy to keep the truth from those I cared about and the kids about me. I felt if I was ever to be vulnerable with people about actual things that were happening. They wouldn’t look at me as being perfect or ideal.
So that’s why I would like to protect my image of being perfect and superwoman in many situations and with the people I love most. I have not been in the place I’m in with my life, and I understand that I can’t be perfect; I have to be me.
Being me means not always speaking most respectfully, not always coming across as very educated, and sometimes means being challenged to deal with, trying to guess when I’m lying and when I’m telling the truth, and not being afraid of being labeled a bitch because that’s what I am. one of my biggest challenges are trying to make people believe that I’ve changed for the better, not the worst. I still have a mouth on me; yes, can I go off the deep end? Yes, I still struggle with communication regarding how to express myself more respectfully.
Still, I have no more reason to lie because, for many years, I tried to be perfect, and I wasn’t. As I get older, I care less than less about being perfect and more about being me, but it’s tough when you start something, and that’s all people see you as a liar.
The main reason why people see me the way they do or label me the way they do is because I gave them reasons to label me and see me the way they do. I acknowledge that I accept that, but what I won’t accept is to be victimized by my past that’s in my past, not in my future.
When certain people in my life hear me, don’t listen, but hear me speak on me being there for them or anybody else in my life, they automatically think, oh, she’s talking about money, and I’m not talking about money because many ways you can be there for people without money You can listen to them when they’re going through something you can be there at the most challenging moments in their lives and the happiest as well.
I learned a long time ago. That money keeps no one, and that money is just paper that goes away within 2 to 3 days. I should know I spend it like water, but when talking about being there for someone, I’m talking about being that person’s year.
Hence, they have someone to talk to if they want to talk or if they want to yell or vent or be those arms to make them feel safe, wanted, needed, desired, protected, or just being that face they could look into and know that they’re looking at someone that loves them just as much or maybe more than anybody else could ever.
Maybe I was brought up the wrong way, but I was brought up in a way that you don’t talk about me; you don’t show your emotions. And that seems funny because I’m very emotional, sometimes too emotional, and I don’t know how to hide my emotions because I always wear my emotions on my sleeves.
You could read it all over my face when something is wrong. I’m sad and happy because I show a big contradiction from what I said before. Still, I do not know how to hide when I’m happy, sad, or in love, not when my heart has been broken when I’ve lost someone I care about; that shit is hard to hide.
I am the type of person who, if you’re going through something, I’m going through it with you. I feel it. I experienced it slightly differently than anybody else, but I feel it; I live it.
But I tell myself I can’t break because I have to be vital for whoever is going through something at that particular moment in time. I never focus on myself because I like to make sure that everyone around me is OK and cared for before I can think about myself, and yes, I know that many people who know me would probably disagree with the statement I just made, but it’s true. I think about others before I think about myself.
Sometimes, I wish I could be selfish and think about myself and somebody else, but I don’t have it in me to be selfish; I like to give. Most people call that people-pleasing, but I call it giving.
I’m not expecting anything in return when I do things for others because I know God when my time comes, will bless me in the best way possible by allowing me to enter into his kingdom as the child that I am.
He won’t keep condemning me for my past because everyone has a past. No one is leaving this earth without one. Mine seems to hurt me every day of my life because every day of my life, I’m reminded of the pain caused by the troubles that I did. Still, as I said before, I won’t be victimized for my past.
My past is my past, my future is my future, whatever my future is, that is what it is going to be because that’s what I want to be if that means being alone for the rest of my life and dedicating myself to thinking that I love the most which are writing and of course, being around family then I’m OK with that I have to be and I need to be.
I had no idea the last time I heard his voice would be that final goodbye. Goodbye to him, and I never really said to each other. We hung up the phone, but I never thought it would be so final. In the darkest moments of my life, he became that bright light that I needed to get through the darkness I chose to live in because it was so much easier than facing a world that was watching me like a hawk to see if I would crumble. Yes, I had a crumbling moment the public never saw. The only time I felt it was safe to crumble was in his arms. He shielded me from the world and taught me so much about who I was as a person, and I never felt the need to pretend to be someone else so he could like me and, most importantly, respect who I am. He showed me that I was good enough no matter how crazy things got between us and strengthened me. I had no clue I could learn so much just by having late-night conversations leading into the early mornings, never desiring to get off the phone, even in our most difficult conversations. Our most challenging conversations were the things that pulled us close together and made us value each other as one but as individuals. I feel like Waldo is trying to find my light because I am sick of rolling in the darkness.
I thought we were unbreakable because nothing could make it through steel. Whenever I think about us, I think of steel because I knew no one could ever make it through. Solid from beginning to end. Best friend to amazing lovers who could challenge each other without losing sight of who we were. How could we go from being made of steel? He even made me promise that no matter where we ended up, he would never let go. I want a hand to hold, and his hand gives me safety. Was I stupid to believe that he would never let me? I want to say no because he has always known about my past and people letting me go. Out of everyone who has let me go, his hand not being there hurts the most because he promised never to let go. He has always been a man of his word. So where are You?
I miss and love you more than anything. You should be so proud of me. I finally was able to tell your daddy about you. I want to believe he was super excited to know that there was a part of him and I grow together.
Funny but not funny, your daddy called you into existence and was very persistent about your existence. I’m not going to lie; I was low-key and over the moon. I’m excited to know that I had you inside me because, in my eyes, I was going to have a part of your dad that nobody could ever take away or deny just because you would’ve been just like him.
I’m speaking from my mother’s intuition when I say that; I know you would’ve been a spitting image of him, including attitude. It would’ve been a true honor and a blessing to have a little piece of you on earth with me, even if you would’ve driven me up the wall sometimes, but I wouldn’t have changed it for anything in the world. Simply because I know you would’ve represented your father and me so very well in this world, and most importantly, you would’ve been my protector, my savior, because one of the first things your dad wouldn’t tell you was never allowed anyone to pick on your mom you always defend your mom no matter what no matter who it is, you come to your mother’s defense?
But even though you’re no longer here for whatever reason, God only knows why; I won’t question why. I will say, see you later, and please keep watching over all of us, especially your dad. Your dad needs your energy, your strength, and your clarity. I know it’s a lot to ask of you, but please watch over him and give him a reason to continue to fight and show him that your life wasn’t in vain.
Thank you for six amazing weeks. Thank you for making me understand. Things happen when they’re supposed to happen, not when we want them to happen, and I believe that you were meant to be, but for whatever reason, you didn’t come through all the way. You may have a bigger purpose you need to accomplish in heaven that you couldn’t do down here. That’s why you left. Whatever the reason, I’m glad you are watching me and protecting me as your father would’ve told you to do.
I love who I am with him. I hate who I am without him, but I am better off knowing that the best thing for me is to be without him because I no longer feel like a chess piece; he moves when it feels right for him to move. I hate who I am without him. Love has no rule that says that we have to stay with someone just because we have a love for them.
When I decided to blog, I was leaving myself open to people’s opinions and criticism regarding the things I decided to share on my blog. I also understand that when I decide to share where exactly I am, people will only sometimes be friendly or understanding. Still, the thing about me is that I’m not looking for anyone’s sympathy or anyone to agree with my feelings and my thoughts. My blog is where I can be vulnerable and share who I am and where this life journey has taken me for many years. I would always let someone’s opinions, feelings, and negativities scare me away from sharing myself, but now I don’t have to care. I’m 42 years old. Correction: I’m going to be 42 years old, so I no longer have to have a filter about what anyone else has to say about what I post or don’t post. Being a blogger and being able to share parts of my life is a fantastic thing because I hope that by putting pieces of my life into my blog, I’m helping someone because I know I’m helping myself every single time I can sit with a piece of paper in my hand, and a pen, loving hand, and open my heart out is a fantastic process for me and helps me look at myself and try to understand myself a little bit better every day I’m not perfect. Still, I’m not trying to be, and I don’t want to be perfect. My imperfections are things that make me. For a long time, I would allow people in certain things in my life to run me away from the things I love the most in writing. I can’t see myself doing or wanting to do anything else but writing. I don’t write any ability; I find completion when I can put myself out there and be vulnerable, something that I’ve always struggled with because I’ve never believed that people have wanted to listen to what I have to say. The world will always have an opinion and criticize every little word and sentence because of their ability to break me.
Almost 42 means no filter, and no shame in my game means sharing no matter what others might think or feel, not alone fear to take over what I love the most, and that is putting word to paper.
GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF? MY RESPONSE IS SIMPLY WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU I’M IN LOVE WITH HIM. YOU INDEED LOVE, AND NO ONE IS TELLING YOU NOT BECAUSE AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A HEARTBEAT LOVE WILL BE POURING OUT FOR HIM. I HATE THAT, BUT GIRL, THAT IS YOUR TRUTH AND ANOTHER TRUTH THAT IS CONSTANTLY HE COULD BE YOUR PERSON BUT THAT DOES HE NEEDS TO BE YOURS. GIRL, THE BLAME HAS TO STOP YOU GOING TO BE 42 YEARS OLD BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. NO ONE PUSHED YOU TO DO ANYTHING YOU DIDN’T WANT TO DO. ALL THE SHIT YOU THROWOUT IS BECAUSE YOU WANT TOO. THAT’S WHY HE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN THE PERSON YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHOW HIM. YOU PRAY FOR THE RECONNECTION BETWEEN HIM AND YOU FOR SUCH A LONG TIME AND FOR GOD TO BE AS GREAT AS HE IS GOD ANSWERED YOUR PRAYER FOR YOU. GIRL, THIS WAS YOUR TIME; SHINE AND SHOW HIM THAT YOU HAVE BEEN THE WOMAN THAT HE BEEN MISSING FOR SUCH A LONG TIME. GIRL, YOU PRAYED HARDER THAN ANYONE I KNOW, AND I SERIOUSLY HAD HOPE. THAT’S WHY I CAN’T WRAP MY HEAD AROUND HOW YOU COULD FUCK UP SOMETHING YOU WANTED MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. IT’S OKAY TO LOVE HIM FROM AFAR. GIRL LET HIM GO AND STOP BLAMING FOR YOUR IMMATURE. GIRL, YOU MIGHT NEVER KNOW TO CLOSE THAT CHAPTER OF HIM. WALK AWAY AND FIND YOUR STRENGTH.
Being a father is a tall drink of water that most men are not ready for. I believe the boys have the notion that as long as they can release sperm, that makes them a man because they have created another human being. Boys can always release sperm, but that does not make the men.
What makes men a is when they can own their responsibilities and become teachers and role models to those they help create.
It might not be easy for those who have never had a role model to follow so that they may do the right thing for their offspring.
But that’s not an excuse not to try to be something you never had.
I want to take this part of my blog and give credit to those amazing men who take a chance on fatherhood even when they are clueless about what they should do with this little human being god has placed in their lives.
Parenting is not an easy job for anyone, but what makes a fantastic father figure is a man who chooses not to take the easy out when things become too complicated.
I am trapped in a doorway I have tried to close for many years.
It’s been unhealthy for my heart and soul just because I have poured myself and what I don’t into the impossible.
The part of who I am is I don’t back down from a challenge because, from the first moment I could take my first breath, I knew I was born to be a fighter.
Regarding matters of the heart, I’m a total fuckup because my heart has blinders that part of me is not ready to lift and have the truth slapped in the face.
The process of rebuilding is having the truth slapping me in the face but not all at once, but it is not giving me a choice or how much of it gets in my front.
I guess the moral of my story is simple and that is must put on my big girl panties and challenge myself by facing my fuck up.
FIVE YEARS HAVE GONE AND COME FASTER THAN I CAN WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THE PHONE CALL I RECEIVED TO LET ME KNOW THAT SHE WAS NOT A PART OF THE PHYSICAL WORLD.
SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED IN FIVE YEARS PAPER IS THE WAY I LOVE TO COMMUNICATE, BUT MY CHOICE ON HOW I WOULD COMMUNICATE WITH HER; I RATHER HAVE HER IN PERSON SO I MAY SEE HER SHOCKED FACE WHEN I UPDATE HER ON MY CRAZY LIFE.
I MISS YOU EVERY DAY.
I LOVE YOU.
AS CRAZY AS IT MAY SOUND, YOU STILL OWE A PHONE CALL & I’LL WAIT AS LONG AS I HAVE TO BECAUSE YOU ARE AN AMAZING HUMAN BEING ALL AROUND.
Birthdays are a celebration of life and the person accomplishes, whether here or not. Birth is a true gift from god that no one should take for granted because we feel like we can and should. It’s so difficult for me to live in the moment sometimes because my brain is always ready to move on to the next thing instead of enjoying the little things in front of us. No one has tomorrow, so I celebrate the life you were and still have, even though you are not physically here. The world assumes just because time has gone by, it hurts a little less, but that is so far from the truth that all I choose to do is laugh. It hurts more now than the first birthday I celebrated without your face in mine. There are so many things that push me through a day like today, and though things are, no one else could say they had you the way I did or knew something like what made you happy or sad. Besides celebrating life, I miss those quiet moments when I choose not to make the world apart. I miss you Love You Keep Celebrating and keep being my #1 Angel. I will keep doing my part and hold you down as I have been.
I need a voice of reason. I’m desperately crying out for one right now. Whoever chooses to be my voice of reason has to be able to tell me what the fuck I’m doing so wrong and what is the right thing for me to do for myself so I no longer feel like I’m drowning. I’m drowning, and what is funny is just when I feel like I should find a final way to keep my head above water, so I no longer feel like I’m drowning; I keep making unreasonable mistakes so the water may pull me down. As much as I want to see above water, I can’t, or something bigger than me won’t allow seeing above water.
Valentine’s day is considered a special day because that is the day that you spend with someone extraordinary. So why should we wait for such a day as Valentine’s Day to tell that special someone or anyone in general that we love them and admire them? Time is minimal for all of us. So we should not waste our time on things we cannot control. What we should be doing is telling those around us how much we love them every single day, no matter what day it is.
Valentine’s day is every day, whether you have a significant other or love yourself.
I don’t want to be stupid. For you to be successful, I have to have the strength to the door of feeling unwanted and under deserved just because my heart wants what it wants. My heart is clueless about the fact that no matter what the heart wants, it might not be what it needs. I might wish to him like a blood vessel that runs throughout my body for me to stay alive. The body has a way of breaking down, so we either get rid of what’s toxic or find different ways for the body to work without realizing something is missing.
It’s okay to break, especially when we can find the strength to put ourselves together. Finding those pieces to rebuild who we are and a better version of who we would love to be.
If we break, we can show ourselves that we are humans and that our vulnerability shows us that we are not supposed to be statues that don’t fall apart. Falling apart is rule number one of life and living.
To stop loving him, I need to use my heartlessness and allow my mind to take over.
Even with all the mind power we Retain as humans, I can’t stop thinking about him and how much I could make things different between him and me by making a simple wish. Life is more complex, though.
You can’t make a wish, and you get what you want. As people, sometimes we don’t get what we want. We get what we need, and as much as I might wish to him, he might be the last thing I need.
I am a working progress. I am enough. I am putting all the love I would pour into others just because I matter. I matter because I’m human, and I can acknowledge the best version is not being perfect but being myself, including my flaws.
Home is comfy.` Home is safety. Home is love. Home understands that no matter how badly I could mess up, those arms will welcome me back and let me know everything will be okay. Home has never been perfect; home is what I have made it to be, and the main thing I have completed my home, home to be is something unstable because I love to push my boundaries. Still, even I can say I have gone too far with my limits; that’s why finding a place in what I call home is challenging. Places, people, and things have limitations, and we can push until we can’t push anymore, but there is no grant that we won’t be left alone because we took it upon ourselves to go overboard.
The moral of my story is I pushed until I could not push anymore, and now that I want to find my place at home, I don’t have one. Too much damage has been done, so the home I once knew of love is no longer love but a lot of what-ifs.
If we don’t want to lose what home is, we have to understand what home is and what home brings to our souls.
Cancer does not have a specific race it Chooses to attack.
Cancer is not Forgiving of anyone’s age.
Cancer will never understand the true meaning of having a life of needs and wants.
Cancer destroys the body, but I feel it would never destroy someone’s spirit because that’s how we become warriors. Cancer is unforgivable.
Cancer is unforgivable when it decides to come and take you from your loved ones without a second thought; how can anyone ask me to forgive cancer for taking you from me without giving me a chance to say goodbye?
THE OLD SAYING HAS ALWAYS BEEN IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO DO ANYTHING WE WANT TO DO IN LIFE AS LONG AS WE HAVE THE DRIVE TO SEE IT THROUGH.
WHAT I’M ASKING IS, DOES THE SAME RULE APPLY WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE?
I’m STRONG, BELIEVE IN WRITING MY OWN RULES WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE WHAT MIGHT WORK FOR ME AND MY PERSON MIGHT NOT WORK FOR OTHERS.
NOT TWO PEOPLE ARE THE SAME, SO NOTHING IN LIFE SHOULD BE APPROACHED THE SAME WAY FOR THOSE TWO PEOPLE.
IF WE CAN SET OUR OWN RULES, WE CAN LEARN SO MUCH ABOUT OURSELVES AS INDIVIDUALS, AND IT CAN HELP US FIGURE OUT WHO WE ARE AS A COUPLE.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, IT WILL HELP US FIGURE OUT WHAT WE WANT FROM EACH OTHER AS A COUPLE.
A day full of anticipation. Nervous. Excitement but confusion because we need to think of anyone or anything else but the moment we shared. They might’ve been selfish on both parts, but it was something that needed to happen because we both had to become one, at least for that moment in time. The most devastating part for me was knowing and understanding that it was just a moment in time that we may not share again because of circumstances and in life. The most amazing part for me was he was always able to see me beyond the chair and make me feel like that woman that has nothing wrong with her beyond what the world tries to make her feel like about herself.
His actions speak louder than any words his mouth could ever talk to her. His actions mean more to her than anything else because, with his actions, the world doesn’t seem like such a horrible place.
I need my best friend because I am about to fall apart.
I want my best friend to catch me and drag me out of myself.
My best friend told me they would not let go no matter what life placed in our lives, So now I am sitting here unsure of myself.
The only thing I am sure of is missing my best friend like no other.
I knew the last time I heard their voice, it would probably be final. It was heartbreaking. I felt my heart shatter because I had this overwhelming feeling of disappointment in their voice as I said bye.
Every part of me knew I was doing wrong, but I also had a primary urge to say bye not only because of where I was in life but because I also needed to close that unfinished chapter we had.
We should never force pieces to fall into place. Pieces should fall into place naturally without someone forcing it. If we try to force pieces together, we tend to watch things fall apart faster. Knowing where and how to grab those pieces falling apart becomes challenging. As those pieces fall apart, we have to sit within ourselves to figure out how to piece those pieces together when we lack feeling complete.
Happy Father’s Day to all the fantastic fathers worldwide and those wonderful mothers with no choice but to be both fathers and & mothers”s their children.
Any man can make a baby, but it takes a remarkable man to be your father. Just because you make one doesn’t make you one. You have to be there every day and every night and be what your father probably wasn’t for you for your child.
Father’s Day is funny because I have a Father, but people do not believe me just because of how I choose to express myself about the man that is my father. Not to mention, my mom has been the only person I’ve seen daily for 40 years.
For little girls to believe that no matter what, we’re going to be daddy’s little girls forever might be true for some girls but for me, it’s a different story.
My story is simple my dad was around for a while, then he just disappeared before I could even feel like a daddy’s girl.
I will not discredit him from being my father because that’s what he is, but I was never daddy’s little girl. But, still, I’m not going to blame him either for that because now that I’m older, I understand that you learn from what you see, and if you don’t have a father figure in your own life, how can your father your child if you we’re not fathered yourself.
I can’t be mad at him because I don’t know his upbringing or what he is like as a father figure. But, on the other hand, I am angry because instead of stopping the cycle, so probably starting it with him, he chose to keep the process going by not being a full-time dad and watching his children grow up and love him like all fathers should be loved.
If we can wrong our rights, do it.
If we can say I love you to someone we haven’t said today, let’s do it. No matter how we might feel about that person deserves to know that you love them. Whether they give it back to you is a different story. As long as you do your part and tell them that you love them, that’s all that matters.
No matter what, I love my dad because, without him, I would’ve never been brought into this world, And for that, I honor him.
He probably wasn’t the ideal father I would’ve chosen for myself, but as the world says, you can select the people that will be your family or be a part of it. So overall, he is my dad because he deserves to be acknowledged today and every day. After all, he’s my father.
The first healthy relationship daughters must establish is with their fathers. Unfortunately, many fathers don’t understand the impact they create once they have daughters.
I firmly believe that if we had fewer fatherless daughters, we would know and understand the standards of a real man and what love should look like and feel like because, once again, the first men we love as daughters are our fathers.
Our fathers set the standards for the type of man we end up with and who we decide could be our future. As little girls, we dream of a man just like our father. So all the men in the world, including my father, let’s stop making our daughter fatherless.
The heartbeat inside me made me realize you were more accurate than anything else.
You had no name, but I knew you were real because your heartbeat was right underneath mine.
If I could be honest, I was freaked out but also excited. I could not wait any longer to meet you and see who you would take after your dad or me.
As this unknown person keeps taking over my body, I can’t help but think about why I was so lucky that this person chose me to be a mother and nurtured them with all the love in my heart.
Many people wait for years or never get the opportunity to feel another human life coming out of their bodies.
The fact that God has blessed me with an opportunity to have someone who looks like me is something I will be grateful for.
I am not going to play the blame for the way I feel about the way I think of myself as a woman.
No one has ever obliged me to do or stay in a place I do not want.
All my choices for myself have always been in mind, body, and soul.
If I continue to make the same mistake or relapsing is not because I care about who likes me.
Chapter 40 is about loving who I am and realizing that I’m not going to be perfect, but I will keep becoming a better person no matter how many times I fall off because I will always be strong enough to get back up.
I feel worthless not because anyone has made me feel that way but because I have been allowed to be in a place useless people never seem to leave.
This message is for the whole world. If we allow others to make us feel useless, we will enable them to.
If we no longer want to feel useless, we need to stop giving up or power away.
Sometimes, to detox the negativity in our lives, we have to have the strength to realize that things or people make our lives very toxic.
Toxicity’s it’s like a significant roadblock for anything and everything you might want to do with yourself. The only way we can on unblocking those roads is by watching who or what is holding us down beside ourselves Is the fear that we have of moving forward.
I have to detox from certain people in my life because then I am holding back, but the feelings I have for them are holding me back from moving forward in my life and reaching a happy place in my life, a place of completion and having a full circle with myself.
So the only way I can come full circle with myself, it’s finally detoxing myself from those memories in those feelings that haunt me every day of my life because I allow myself to.
For many years I feared letting go because letting go facing things alone, and who wants to be alone?
Even when I had the opportunity to share my life with amazing people, I still felt alone.
I would not allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone because I was terrified of judgment this is not being understood for the person I was.
Even though I struggle to figure out who I am and what my primary purpose is today.
I don’t want people to misunderstand me. I love being able to blog all day long about my life.
I enjoy blogging because I share very intimate parts of myself with the world, and I hope that by doing so, I’m helping someone in the darkest moments, even in the happiest moments.
In this self-journey that I have going with myself, it’s difficult for me to say that I’m 100% happy, honestly.
I have good and bad days, and I realize it’s OK when I’m not OK. This journey has been incredible. Let me understand that no matter how much you want something doesn’t mean you’re always going to get it.
You can change 1001 things about yourself, but if no one’s willing to remove The negative image of who you were from the person you are today, it’s difficult for anyone to move forward.
It’s also challenging to continue to say I am a different person, but if I’m still showing my ass as if I were the same person, I was running away from life.
Words don’t mean much these days is; the actions behind those words speak volumes of the type of person I am becoming, and I’m working very hard on keeping around.
Before I begin putting this piece together, I would love to start by saying I’m not attacking men for defending their women.
I’m a firm believer that men should protect their women at any time. I’m also not trying to be a hypocrite and say that you’re a celebrity; you should watch how or where you do things because all eyes are always on you.
After all, you become a role model for the rest of the world. Indeed, your status should not matter when defending your wife or your family.
Being a part of the public, I think everyone is responsible for being mindful of their actions and knowing that every effort reacts.
I feel that if we are two grown men so grown men, we should behave like adults and not condone violence because we have enough violence against us because of our skin color or who we are in the public eye.
Bing people of color, we seriously hate being stereotyped, but if we act or even say things that would fit those stereotypes that we’re trying to run away from, how can we blame those people for stereotyping us.
Suppose you no longer want to be stereotyped as those people. In that case, we should be mindful of our actions and our words because not only cameras will be on us, but the whole world will be upon us, watching us make sure that we fit everything single stereotype they think of us as people of color, not human beings that we are.
In closing, I would like to say that as men have a strong brotherhood, whether correct wrong; a brotherhood is forever, and everyone is always trying to stay on top.
So I don’t believe that we should knock somebody down to try To remain on top; we should encourage each other and push forward and understand that life is too short to be doing inappropriate things that we might not be able to take back. It’s a good chance that everyone’s perception of who you are may change just because of one night of action.
If you try to change for someone, they are not genuinely excepting you for who you are.
Yes, compromise is a big thing in relationships, but you should not change your whole existence for someone is not trying to see beyond those flaws.
They’re so focused on changing who you can fit into the mold of who you should be with them.
I believe anytime we try to fit anyone’s perfect mold, one of the most critical questions we should ask ourselves is how important it is for us to work in that ideal mold?
When we get into relationships as women, we would love to believe that love should be enough to survive, and maybe for some women, it is.
Many of us, though, want more than just love; we want that partner that we can communicate with without judgment or fear of not being heard.
I always believe that if we get close to having the perfect relationship, we should make it happen with someone who can quickly become or, alright, our best friend.
Making or having that best friend makes it pretty easy to become vulnerable with that person because, as women, there is nothing we would not be willing to share with our best friends.
Having a best friend becomes our forever helps us avoid the awkward moments of building relationships with people who might not be our best friends.
When we can find our best friend, we find our life partners that we can see more than just a simple friendship. But, to build something solid, we must understand what we need from each other and know that we are coming into this relationship as two wholes that are coming together as one.
Love is not always what we are subject to when watching a love story in a movie.
Love is about knowing who you are as a person and how you are in love with yourself. Every day, you allow yourself to discover something new who you are.
Love is a feeling that many of us go blind because love has a bad habit of becoming a blindfold.
Love teaches us to work with who we are as a person and with someone else being a part of our lives.
Love is also about sacrifice, but we should sacrifice the things that make us who we are as individuals, like our belief system or change who we are to accommodate someone else.
Love is hard work, but that begins with oneself before we dare to say I love you, someone, other than yourself.
Loving me is loving all my imperfections and my flaws.
This-where I am mental; this is everything I feel when I hear the rest of the world laughing and talking.
I want to scream to the rest of the world what about me, but then I think to myself, what the point of screaming it out to the world is?
What about me if I’ve never felt like I had anything good to offer anyone, just my nasty attitude and my way of pushing people away.
I can’t, or I shouldn’t scream.
What about me if I don’t allow anyone to get to know me or listen to me when I need someone to listen to me.
I can’t complain about feeling abandoned when I have emotionally left by cutting myself off from people and family.
My main excuse for cutting people off emotionally has always been that no one understands me or hears me when I try to save something; it might not be necessary to them.
But, still, it’s important to me because it’s whatever I’m feeling or whatever I’m going through that needs to be said.
The feeling of rejection or just being turned away is overwhelming to me.
So that’s why I have emotionally cut myself off from tagging myself to anyone because I don’t want anyone to let me down emotionally.
I cannot emotionally keep abusing myself and blaming it on others and, in the same breath, reach out to the public.
For the public to be primarily connected, they must be at its transparent as possible and be willing to open the door to the hearts.
When I can’t do the same for myself, I can’t open the door and enable people to see me.
I can’t continue to preach to the public about being fearless when I am afraid of being bold about who I am and what I’m feeling, and the things I might be going through emotionally.
Since I turn 40 years old, I’ve been screaming from the top of my lungs this is the newest chapter of my life, but I’ve realized the only way this will be the latest chapter of my life is if I practice what I preach.
If I don’t follow through with what I preach to others, then chapter 40 it’s just like the rest of my life. It’s a circle did never ends.
But I am choosing today to make the circle, and because today, I’m choosing to stop abusing myself emotionally, and I’m going to be more open to the possibility of allowing the public to see me.
So that’s what this whole blogging journey has been about people seeing me.
I wouldn’t say I like the fact that he lives in me.
I have yet to learn how to let go without falling to pieces.
Falling into pieces because my heart is twisted into his, my biggest fear is no longer connected to him.
Everyone is looking for some connection that you can’t explain with words. We have to live through emotion to understand my fear and relationship.
It’s incredible to feel like myself and be myself even when I try my hardest to go against everything, I feel within myself.
He has the key to making me feel alive, but then again, he has the strength to pull me apart. No one should have that much power, but he does because my heart is stupid in love.
When our heart becomes ridiculous in love, it’s difficult to see the truth even when the truth is slapping you right back, trying to make you react.
Why can’t we be stupid in love with ourselves just like we can be stupid in love with someone who has told us I am in love with you?
Teachable moments happen every day, and it’s up to us if we accept them at teachable moments in our lives.
Life is full of teachable lessons, and it’s up to us what we take away from those lessons that life is trying to teach us.
For example, one of the biggest lessons that life teaches us is that not everyone is perfect imperfection is what makes people.
It makes us different from each other and makes us accept our differences to love each other and learn from each other.
One of the most important lessons life can teach all of us is that we can learn from each other and each other’s mistakes and grow and make sure that whatever we learn from each other, we continue to pass it on as knowledge to others.
Another lesson Life has educated me is that love is about pain and growth because we almost go through some discomfort when it comes to love to grow as a person and grow as a unit.
Love is also about making mistakes and learning how to forgive, not forget, but we will use love’s pain as educated moments in life and make sure we don’t make the same mistake twice.
The tricky part about saying I’m sorry is that many people use it as a Band-Aid to cover off their mistakes, and once the Band-Aid is ripped off, the error repeats itself.
If people value the word, I’m sorry, people will never commit to making the same mistake repeatedly, but it uses it as a tool for growth and education.
I breathe to stay alive. Every breath I take comes with unbearable pain, not only because my body is breaking down but also because I’m broken.
I am trying to piece myself together to become one again or at least feel like I can be one again when that time comes for me to be one.
I breathe to stay alive, but I also live because of him. I come first, of course, but something about him makes me want to take that first breath in the morning. Even if later on, I’m asking myself why I am doing this myself when I know what I know When it comes to him.
I need to love myself a little bit more. But, I can only do that by realizing that I need to let him go as much as I love him.
I’ve always been scared to let him go because he’s such a big part of my heart, but now I understand that for me to love myself, I have to be able to say goodbye now because I want to but because I have to. I have to find myself without him even though I know how my life is without him, but I can’t keep holding on to all of that doesn’t want me just because I like it.
Love is strength.
Loves is faith.
Love is loving yourself and understanding; that no one can give me my worth.
Love you telling the truth even when you don’t want to hear it.
Love is loving the imperfections we all have and not trying to change who we are just because love is in the air.
When will love not that your door is full of pain and magic?
If you can’t feel pain, that means you have not experienced real love. The love with pain is worth it because it’s awful beautiful, magical, incredible root word rewarding when we can find the one. It
Being the one is being the one you can’t live without.
Being the one, you can’t breathe without.
Being the one is knowing that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with that one. You’re ready to wake up every morning to the same face as long as both of you have a love for each other.
Being the one is being strong, knowing that not everything will be perfect, but it’s going to be accurate, and we’re going through it together.
You are theone who’s been willing to know that everyone comes with imperfections and does not mean rejection. What it means is acceptance for precisely who you are and what you are.
It is being the one who understands that everyone is going to have an opinion.
Being the one is having the strength within yourself to know and understand the love has its ups and downs, but through the rough water’s that any relationship goes through, both parties should not have the ability to walk away until everything is a workout. So we end up saying, I love you.
Writing has always been therapeutic because I can talk myself through my words, feelings, and emotions.
There’s another way I’ve been able to find myself, and that’s being transparent with my heart and what that means is acknowledging the fact that the reason I am in the headspace that I’m in is that I am a serious fuck up.
It’s taken me a long time to realize that I should’ve cherished everything I had instead of throwing it away like I did not mean anything when it meant the world to me. But, of course, when I would say that it meant the world to me, I had no idea how much it would mean until it was no longer a part of me. I’ve always asked one man to know they had a good when it’s gone, and I think now I understand more.
I am a woman who struggles to admit her wrongs, but it’s better late than never, even though I can’t look back to Right wrongs.
I did do something that I could never come back from.
I shouldn’t be able to come back because I don’t deserve it. When I had it, I had no idea how to cherish it and make it my priority—so living the rest of my life alone but coming to terms with the fact that no one should ever bottle up your feelings It’s something that I took away from that situation.
I am a woman who has to learn that it’s OK to be vulnerable.
As long as you’re weak with the right person, I should never allow my feelings to eat away at me or assume that people will guess how I’m feeling just by looking at me or staring at me; life doesn’t work that way.
If I don’t try to speak up or speak my mind, nothing will get resolved. Something I learned is that I should never ask for something that I was not prepared to deal.
Yes True that people say things out of anger but in the long run, that anger could come back and haunt you for the rest of your life because you know you made a mistake that you can’t fix even though you’re desperate to fix it.
So ask for what you want to leave the things you don’t wish to alone because you might find this of always asking yourself why?
I have no clue why I decided on 11/16/21 to write him a love letter, but I am guessing there is no wrong time to write a letter to someone you saw forever.
Love hurts like hell because you have the strength in oneself to open your heart up and allow that other half in. But, unfortunately, everyone always speaks on the beautiful sides of love when it comes to love, but no one ever speaks on the struggles it is to get to those beautiful sides of love.
Everything that was once ugly can and will become beautiful because as long as we take it upon ourselves, nurture and give it everlasting love. When I think of love, I think of home.
He was able to add things to my life that I did not have until he came long, such as believing in me and pushing me to heights. Falling in love was crazy because all I ever saw and was him. Every day we challenge ourselves and the relationship until one day, I took it too far to the point of no return. No return never meant I deserved it because everything changed in seconds of our lives, and when coming upon change, it should be for positivity, but the difference was far from positive.
It was life-changing in a sense; I was empty, and I hit some crazy bumps on looking for something I already had but had no idea what I had until he was gone. Things never made sense to me after he was because I never wanted to leave. When he left, I took a considerable part of who I was with him.
This letter is on how to destroy someone whose hearts I can’t take back in any way, but if someone could grant me my last wish, I would be so simple that it is a do-over, just that one nightmare. It’s been 14 to almost 15 years since the last time we were together as a couple, and I am still in love with him. But, I guess the most amazing part is that holding to this love seems to damage people, and it also makes me look like I am strong enough to let of a love that doesn’t want me the same but holding like if I could do better for when I know can.
Even though I can do better, I feel I am better because he could go through all the bullshit with him. I never had to speak because I always knew what I was thinking and feeling just by one look. While I was trying to be the perfect person for him, everything was falling apart around, and I could not stop. I understand if I allowed myself to be loved by just being myself, we would have gone the distance. If he asked me to be his wife, I would do it again without a second.
I‘m not worthy of him or him loving me, but I secretly pray for him to find someone to see him the way I see him and love him unconditionally because everyone is worthy of knowing that feeling.
I was lucky and blessed to experience our kind of love, the type of that that took me by surprise because we were going to be nothing but friends. Love surprised us and guided us through another pathway that only allowed us to see each other and no one else. The best part about the love we once shared was that I always knew he was my person.
Now that I no longer have you, I wish I could have used my time the right way. At this point, what would have been the right way to spend our time together. Time with you seemed like quicksand; it seemed like no matter how many memories you and I tried to build, time was against us.
I am missing you more every day. Wishing and hope we could have had more. I love you. More time to be your forever, and you be mine forever. Now what keeps me going is knowing that one day we will finally be each other forever.
My heart is in a million pieces, but it’s no one else fault but my own. I need to detach my heart from feeling anything that could be hurting me, like love is pulling me.
If people don’t allow themselves to go through pain, there is no growth within ourselves as humans.
Pain has been a part of me since birth, so people would think how much more pain I would need to continue growing within myself.
I would love to believe that my heart pain has taught me that I need to be selfish with myself and my time.
The pain teaches me how to have a better relationship before dreaming up any future relationship with anyone. The pain in my heart has also taught me how crazy strong I am to keep believing in love.
Keep love in my heart because if I don’t, that means in some ways I won’t love myself enough to know that most important person I must love myself.
I’ve always been the first to apologize for how my heart feels. But there’s nothing to apologize for this time around. My heart has always known whether I excepted or not where I would like to be, even though I have never come close to being there. I’m in love, and I fear being in love because there are two types of love you could be in love with the person; you could be in love with the idea of being in love with someone.
I’m someone who does not only want to be in love with the idea of being in love; most importantly, I deserve to be in love with someone.
So I sincerely hope that I’m not falling in love with the idea of being in love with someone hope and pray that I’m in love with the person and that the idea of being in love with someone.
It troubles my soul when people tell me that there’s a part of life like I don’t know how the circle of life revolves.
I understand that living isn’t forever then; for this world to continue, we need to continue procreating new life to keep going, but that does not make it easier when you lose someone you care about. None of us was born with the skill to say goodbye to someone we love or care about as a person, but it’s something that we often do; the most upsetting part to me is why we should have to say goodbye and why can’t we say see you later.
I believe that those who have passed on, no matter how heartbroken we are because they left us behind to deal with the pain and grief. Not having them a part of our lives anymore, we will see them again better than ever and with more energy than they had when they were here in the physical world with us.
Course, we don’t want to believe it or understand it because we’re still under so much grief in so much pain. But, as the suffering gets somewhat better, it doesn’t go away; we have to believe that they are better off, keeping a better eye on us from wherever they are in the heavens.
Yes, I would love to say they’re better here in the physical world with us because at least we’re able to see them talk to them and touch them to let them know we’re here for them. But, still, I don’t want to see any of them in pain, suffering, asking themselves when is the time coming so they could get out of their misery of everyday pain and not being able to live a whole life because of something holding them back.
The only thing that gives my heart peace is knowing that the ones I’ve lost are no longer in pain or wondering when the time will come where they don’t have to feel any more pain or depend on anyone to help them manage themselves. But it hurts not to have them here with me to see them here in the voice, even though I can hear the voice inside my heart. Although, of course, I can feel them when I know I know and understand they’re always with me no matter what, but that does not take away that I need them here in the physical world with me, so I don’t feel so alone.
It’s easier to give in to those things that come more accessible than work for the things we want. Personally feel that if we do not work for the things that we want those things that we want in our lives, we lose value because we didn’t do anything to give it worth for us to have. To give something we want value or worth, we must work it to the core and make sure that we pour everything within ourselves into the thing we want the most. So we may watch it grow and expand into something beautiful and something untouchable by others. If everything is handed to us, how will we ever learn the value of a genuine diamond when it’s given to us, and we have done nothing to earn it or cherish it.
She is trying to find the answers to many unanswered questions, but she doesn’t know where to begin or where it will end. She understands that heart Wants what it wants while everybody else is praying for her sanity and peace of mind.
Given the best of herself, it has made it quite challenging for her to see or feel like she could become whole again.
The secret for anyone to find answers to questions they feel they might never get the answers to it’s called soul-searching. We have to be willing to sit with ourselves in silence, listen to ourselves, and listen to our souls.
I don’t want to look back because that might be blurring my future. I don’t want to look back because I leave the door to relive something ugly that never builds me up but was strong enough to break me down.
Looking back has left me questioning if I can see a future with my future person when I am busy holding on to a past that doesn’t want me.
I have always heard that if people can glaze at their history once in a blue, I would never appreciate the person who was supposed to be my future, but it can’t be because I’m stuck in my past.
How can I not be expected to look back when everything I choose to put myself through has made me the woman I am today, someone reliable, and won’t settle for anything less than what she deserves?
Holding on to my past has left a crazy taste in my future even worse; it has left my lot second-guessing myself if I could have been that person. Honest to god, I believe that I could have been that person if I could have been truthful with myself and my future. But, instead, I struggle with accuracy and letting go because letting go no return is the biggest struggle because I have to deal with things that I have never wanted to deal with.
If I could be myself with my future, I could have had that unconditional love that everyone dreams of.
I wear many hats. I wear the hat of being a daughter. I wear the hat of being a sister. I wear the hat of being a granddaughter. I also wear the of being an auntie.
All the different hats have meant the world to me because I have learned so much about myself & the type of person I’m.
I am not disabled; I can do things differently. I am also a dreamer. I am a believer. I am optimistic. I have been a best friend. I’ve been a girlfriend. I have been a fiancé. I’ve been a wife. I’ve been a lover. I’ve been a mistress. I’ve also been an ex-wife.
No matter what label anyone in the world wants to see me under, I’ve always held my head up high because I have become a healthy person with each label I have come upon, and I have learned that I need to be so gullible. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I want to be a better version of myself for myself and no one else. I can become a better version of myself when I accept who I am and what I am despite what people think of me or feel about me. My past is just that, my history. So I refuse to live there, and I refuse society to put me there again because people can’t let go of who I was or what I was. I needed to create a pass to look towards my future, and my future is whatever I want it to be, not what anybody else sees it to be all wanted to be for me. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I spoke to you that morning that God decided to call you home.
No clue that would be our last conversation because God had plans for you that no longer had to do with the physical world.
Everyone is always prepared to live life, but no one ever prepares us for death or says goodbye to those we love & love us back.
Nowhere in my wildest dreams would I ever thought that the only way I could speak to you, through pen and paper. I can no longer call you or text you doing my little checks in with you and always ask when would you be able to bring me the boys who are now man.
You would laugh tell me they’re not little boys anymore; they were busy being out and about.
My reply to you would always be there, still going to be my babies, no matter how old they became in life.
The only thing that brings a little peace to my heart is that I got the opportunity to see you twice before being called home.
I had this running joke with you I would always say to you, I know I’m never going to see you unless I was off dying somewhere, and you would always reply, don’t say that; you know I love you, and I’ll see you soon.
The thought of not seeing you or not hearing from you again never crossed my mind because I know you were doing everything you could to take care of yourself.
Most importantly, you knew you have five young men that don’t need a mother and that she will never be replaced. You also understood that you meant a lot to your family and everyone you ever came in contact with.
You were more than just family to me; you were also a good friend, and I hope you could see me as a friend. Happy Birthday, Bighead Love You. P.S. It has not gotten any easier Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
She extends herself with kindness. She extends herself with love. She extends herself by being that backbone none ever is to him. How and why? Is she going to continue to extend herself in any way if he is not going to pour the same into her? Everything she once ran into now, she is going to pour it into herself and pouring into someone who will never appreciate. Is sucking her lifeless, wondering if it was ever worth it. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
ANYTIME PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HAVING A NORMAL LIFE, I QUESTION MYSELF ON WHAT DOES HAVING A NORMAL LIFE MEANS. DOES IT MEAN I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO BODY for MY LIFE TO BE CONSIDERED NORMAL.
JUST BECAUSE I’M NOT ABLE BODY DOES MEAN I DON’T HAVE A NORMAL LIFE BECAUSE I HAVE A DISABILITY?
MY DISABILITY IS SOMETHING I WAS BORN IT HAS NEVER DEFINE HOW I SHOULD LIVE MY LIFE. So, YES, ITS TRUE I LIVE MY LIFE WITH LIMITATIONS AND BECAUSE OF THOSE LIMITATIONS I MAY HAVE TO FIND DIFFERENT WAYS OF DOING THINGS THAT OTHER PEOPLE Don’t STRUGGLE to DO.
I HAVE A NORMAL LIFE:
I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GET AN EDUCATION. I HAVE BEEN LEARNING TO LOVE, AND I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT I HAVE TAUGHT HOW TO LOVE. I WORK VERY HARD AS A BLOGGER. I’m a SEXUAL PERSON. I’m SOMEONE’S DAUGHTER. I’m SOMEONE’S SISTER I’m SOMEONE GRANDDAUGHTER I CAN EVEN SAY I WAS SOMEONE WIFE
If everything I list above makes my life routine, then I guess I have an everyday life. Ordinary life is living life to the fullest and being fearless. However, my disability is not a stop sign. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
No one ever has to agree on how I feel, but the way I feel is like I am just a painting on the wall that people have no other choice but to pass by on occasions when they need to go in a particular direction.
I am a painting that no one bothers to move or dust off to ensure that I continue to shine through.
I believe artwork in galleries gets more acknowledgment than I do.
I’m supposed to be a part of something. But, unfortunately, I’m not even close to feeling a part of anything or anyone.
No matter what to feel a part of something or someone has never worked.
I don’t know if it’s because I have not put my best foot forward to make things work or people see me as I see myself, and that is a straight Burden.
Open heart. Open wounds need to be closed, but no idea how to approach them.
There’s not a Band-Aid big enough to cover up all the scars she has carried for so many years in so many different stages of my life.
It’s effortless for her to tell herself to get rid of her scars and start fresh, but then the question of how she gets rid of her fault and what’s going to be left when She no longer has these scars to hide behind.
She’s going to be a roar, and those feelings that she was able to hide with a scar, she is no longer going to be able to do that. So to grow and find peace with all her wounds and mistakes, she has to let them go and make one for all the new things coming into her life.
Trigger words for me are: You are starting to feel heavy. You are fat. You need to talk to someone who can help you.
These are all the things that put me in a lousy headspace because it’s a constant reminder of how little I can do for myself, and no matter how much control I would love to have over my body, I am demanding because of this damn disability.
I’ve always struggled with control because I’ve always wanted control over myself, but I don’t have control over many things that I have to do with me because of my circumstances.
So the only thing I have control over was the food that I put in my mouth and food I’ve never had; another will never have a good relationship.
Food and I have a tolerating relationship because I need food to survive, and I struggle to enjoy food because food makes me feel ugly and unwanted?
Food also leaves the door open for people to make comments that get to me like I’m fat, I’m chubby.
It isn’t easy to move me from place to place food is always a nightmare come true that I wish I can wake up from, but I’m not able to do that because food is not my body’s best friend.
Food is like a battlefield feel field with enemy lines trying against me and not for me, and I have no clue how to fight those enemy lines between me and food.
I don’t want anyone reading this to think or feel that I don’t love myself just the way I am because I do.
I have an internal struggle with myself: I don’t have control over everything in my everyday life. For example, I always felt like I handled food until I was spinning out of control, and I had no idea how to get back to a positive road.
I have found a way to get back onto the positive road, but I’m not going to lie; the internal struggle is 100% real and unbelievable sometimes. I know for me, I can’t allow anyone to get into my head for me to be able to beat my internal struggles.
God, please wrap your arms around her and let her know that she’s not alone.
God, I’m asking you from the bottom of my heart, please shield her from her gloomy thoughts. Prove to her that you’re listening to her even when she’s crying.
Of course, the more time she loses faith in herself, she’s going to lose faith in you. But, still, you are the only one that can show her that losing faith in you is the worst thing anyone can do because you always put us on this earth with a purpose even though we may never know what the goal is but there’s a purpose to why everyone is here or the people we end up.
She believes that you have placed her on this earth to suffer nothing more, nothing less, but I know differently, and I also know she has to hit rock bottom and stop questioning your actions so she can get what she deserves better yet what she needs and not what she wants. God doesn’t leave her, so she doesn’t let herself go in your name. I pray, amen. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
He was the one person that gave her world because that’s what she meant to him. So he poured everything he had and even the things he did not have to give her. She soaked as much as she could because she had no idea how long it could have lasted. That’s why people should not go into situations with any expectations because the led-down is a lot more challenging to deal with. The biggest challenge for her is understanding that the main reason her expectations never came true for her was that she destroyed them before those dreams became a reality. Expectations are enormously led downs; that’s why people should live the moments and don’t worry about tomorrow. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
He pushed her into someone else arms. She finds those things that never came through him but someone else. She finds that laughter that she never thought she could ever get back. She finds the peace that she would ask for every day. She finds it more comfortable to breathe because she no longer has to feel the weight of someone else for the first time in her life. She has also felt comfortable enough to be herself with herself. She finds that safety blanket. Most importantly, she finds a friend. Even though everything she was able to find never replaced who she wanted those things.
Invisible unseen unwanted unexpected unspoken unheard unloved undesirable misunderstood These are all the walls that help me build up the many barriers that hold me up, but I’m hoping that I can break down those walls to see myself one day. Look at me.
It’s natural to break someone’s heart. The challenging part of dealing with someone who has been torn apart is knowing that you were The Who broke it. I’m left wondering how I can make him whole again when I’m still struggling with putting myself back together because if he wants to take any responsibility for anything, I’m broken too. I broke us by not being able to be transparent with him. Being transparent means being vulnerable, and I hate being seen as a weak person; I have always been the one to protect my heart from any harm because no one knows better what my heart needs but for me. I know honesty is the main focus of any relationship. I have always felt the absolute need for anyone to know about our past. My past defined if we would be in a relationship. I don’t believe it would have, but I will never know because I could not and did not want to be that open book he wanted me to be. I wanted to focus on the now and not the past. I lied because I felt the need to protect myself. By lying, I broke him, and I broke whatever future we could have. I hope that he can be whole again with this time apart because no one deserves to be broke but love.
Blinded by what she thought was love but turned out to be a reality that she had lived just without the large bank account or whatever her heart desires like a shopping spree.
Spiritual broken because she finally thought she would have it all & finally be proud of the woman she felt she had become with all the unbelievable mistakes she had made throughout her life. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I finally did to myself; my life has ended; I’ve overdosed. No, not on coke, crack, or even ecstasy. I overdosed on love, or at least what I thought was love, but it was nothing more than a desire or feeling. The feeling of being in love, and the desire to be loved, that’s what killed me! I overdosed, thinking I had enough self-control to realize when I had enough of this lousy drug that had me under its control.
But then, I did not care how bad things got; I just wanted enough so that I wouldn’t feel empty inside.
After the high was out of my system, I felt more alone than when I started, and even then, I still did not feel strong enough to get up and kick the habit; instead of love ruined my life, and I overdosed. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
The visit was not about jumping into bed with him.
It was about pure desire out of feeling wanted about him again instead of feeling the hate. She has been getting from him for almost a year that we have been broken up.
Nerves Out of place She was asking herself, what is she doing here? But in the back of her mind, she knew that there was no better place she could have been with him because that’s the only time she felt comfortable and happy.
As happy and comfortable that she was with him. She could not but think about how somebody else had been lying in the same bed she laid down.
Cleaning leads us to find things that we probably never thought of finding until I found myself cleaning.
It took 11 years to findthe papers that were supposed to be my forever but became a lesson learnedthat did not come out of a princess book.
Princess books have stories of love, honor & respect that are always there no matter what happens.
Finding my marriage license was like seeing a ghost that showed up with no warming but, after the shock wore off, I could not help myself and go back to that day full of nerves and Happiness, Happiness because for once, I was doing something for me and no one else.
That day represented so much for me like I stopped being the girlfriend and crazy enough became his wife.
Then reality came knocking, and that was marriage was not all about the papers but more about hard work that he and I were clueless about.
I was genuinely naïve and thought we were going to be forever.
When secretly, I was just in love with the idea of being in love.
Eleven years and the only thing left to show for that chapter in my life is a piece of paper. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
I said yes, I do, and by doing so, I’m ready to start the newest chapter in our lives. Some people get lost in the ring, but our commitment is so much bigger than any ring. Saying yes means that we will grow together, fight together, and, most importantly, love together. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
I don’t mind when people find themselves talking about me and the kind of person I am because people don’t mind wasting their time on little me, and my fanatic passed.
I guess the real-time I must worry about it is when people stop talking about me because it means I no longer matter if people choose to put my dirty laundry out.
I might as well come clean about things my way.
I have always felt like an outsider in my family, but that’s my fault because I keep myself away.
My first sexual experience was bittersweet because I learned another way to show someone else love. Five years and I can say it wasn’t worth the wait because it was love and passion.
My marriage blew up in my face because I was trying to be my ex-husband’s superwoman instead of being honest with my partner about not being everything I wanted to be for him.
Also, not allowing my pride not to ask for help when needed. Marriage is no regret, but I was in love with the idea of love when it came to him.
The divorce was unreal until I saw the papers were in my hand the first time; many more times than I had signed those papers, I felt like a bit of a piece of me was dying, and there was nothing to stop me from dying. Anytime I tell people that I thank my ex for the divorce because the divorce showed me the strength I never knew I had inside.
Bestfriend
He was tough love. That open ear. That voice of reason. My safety blanket when the world was beating me up. He was my laughter. He was my all-nightwalker, anything from our worldview to teach me how to love myself before loving anyone else.
Most importantly, he was able to save me from me. I fell in love with my best friend because he never gave me the chance to pretend to be someone else, He got me.
It’s true someone bought me a dog until further notice is still paying my phone, and all we are is just friends. Yes, it’s true that he has strong feelings for me and why it has always been easy for me to get what I please.
I know it’s hard to believe that I can be friends with someone of the opposite sex for many of my haters. But, I don’t have to sell my soul to the devil or spared my legs open like most haters.
Yes, I have done some kissing throughout my life, but my body has only had one. Can anyone of those who chooses to speak to me say the same about themselves? Probably not, but I can because I was taught to know better about my body. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
She played into his hands like a game of blackjack.
She was desperate to know if he would not be like everyone she has shared in her life.
He knows all the right things that will get her heart without making any significant moves.
Every little girl or women dream about what the perfect relationship and marriage should be in their eyes; that’s how he was able to play her heart like a guitar.
Now she sits back, wondering how or why he would play her like a musical instrument if he never made her his first lady.
It’s easier to sit around and blame him for her heart, not playing the romantic melodies.
Her heart has been looking to play for years. But, she has to look at the hand she has been playing and. Realize her side has been all wrong since the beginning of the game.
Only because she is wishing and dreaming about him being everything she desires he should be.
When in reality, she should be molding herself to be the right person to herself. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I can’t say I know you. You can’t say you know me either, but I pray that with this new journey we are about to take part in, I hope our hearts and souls can and will become one as time goes on.
The journey of discovering who we are as married will differ from the people we were as a dating couple.
The most exciting part of becoming husband and wife, he and I can’t run away from each other because it feels like it’s the easiest thing to do.
We can’t and won’t run away from each other because marriage is one of the most significant commitments that we made to each other, and we owe each other to see it through. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
Thirteen years later, still running through hoops and chains just to be seen acknowledge by someone who has no idea what the other person has been through since Departure from each other. Feeling the need to prove anything to anyone but still Finding little ways to justify or prove the difference between whom you were back then and who you are today. The woman she was 13 years ago is not the woman she is today. The old virgin of herself was taken back by love; she saw through his eyes, not her own. Now she knows or understands that no woman should become a prisoner of love; loving someone is a part of everyone, but it should not be your entire being.
As she tries toshow who she is 13 years later, she struggles because the reputation of her not being any different than she was 13 years ago follows her sincerely into what she wants to turn into reality can’t.
She’s done everything she could to run away from those feelings; she’s even been in other arms hoping and praying that she could forget that one love she gave everything up. It has never happened she could bury long enough for her to feel something for other people, but that feeling of love always lived inside of her, especially for him no idea why, but it does. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
7 PM in my bed watching a movie million and one thought running through my head. I can’t make sense of one single thought that is running through my head. Today marks a historical moment in my life, and that was the day my unwanted divorce was finalized because one night, I decided to explore like a Volcano.
Finalizing things between the two of us never made the pain any easier for him and me, but it did help me realize that one night my life could change in a heartbeat without anyone excepting how much or little. Finalizing things made me not ready to deal with so much more natural stuff.
The only thing I can take away from finalizing the day was that I’m stronger than I ever gave myself credit. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
How does she go from feeling like his wife to feeling like the other women?
When it comes to staying on top of his business, she is his wife that only a wife should know about her husband.
She also finds herself becoming his slutwhen he remembers having a free pussy that he can play with when they felt like it or when other pussies would turn him down just because he was not worthy.
When it comes to pleasing him, she holds her own, but the only difference is that the same fire they once shared in that bedroom is now dying in the rest of the relationship. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Anytime things get tough, she finds herself contemplating when things were pretty not smooth but smooth enough to make her feel like she was at home. She finally was able to say something that she hasn’t been able to communicate in years, and that was the fact that she never knew true happiness until things Disappeared, and she’s never been the same since. She wants to be that girl that loved it loved harder than anything else that she ever did in her life. She contributes to where she’s at today, and she acknowledges it. Still, it’s not enough to Acknowledge her wrongdoings when the other damage part can’t see I can’t recognize that she is taking full responsibility for contributing to her not feeling like herself or feeling safe. She wants to go home, but she knows she doesn’t deserve to go home because once there’s a crack in the foundation of what you try to build, there’s no rebuilding; this is moving forward.
No one should want to rebuild on a broken foundation; everything built on should be brand new, so we know and understand that everything we are about to put on this foundation can over stand all the weight we are trying to place on this new foundation.
Home is safe. Home is laughter. Home is Love. Home isn’t about being judged. Home should have been wherever he was because he held her heart. Home takes time to build it doesn’t happen overnight home takes time to make it doesn’t happen overnight, so be patient and work your most complex, so neither one misses out on something significant like a beautiful home within each other. So be patient and work your hardest so neither one misses out on something meaningful like a beautiful home within each other.
He knows me better than I know myself. He can finish my sentences before I can spend thinking about what I’m going to say. All he has to do is look at me to know something is wrong, even though I keep telling him nothing is wrong. It’s terrifying that he knows me even more than the people I have been around all my life. When I thought no one was paying attention, he was in the shadows making sure taking note of every little thing that was me, or they could be me. When I thought he was busy with other things and other people, he will be busy paying attention to me, but I was busy trying to destroy what I thought was no good because I was terrified to see all the way through. Anytime things seemed way too good, of course, I had to fuck it up because I felt like I wasn’t worthy of anything good happening in my life, including him. After all, no one ever made me feel worthy of anything good happening to me or having anything good in my life. Years Worthiness. Later, I’ve come to terms with the fact that no one could ever make me feel worthy but myself I have to convince myself and tell myself that I’m worthy of the good things out of life, and then I don’t need constant praise from people because that’s the only way I’m going to come to terms with mine Worthiness. I am angry within myself for letting him go when he is the only one who knows me.
A lifetime is simple forever. A lifetime is a chance to grow together. Also, understand that it’s okay to be our person outside of our forever. Lifetime should be something that no other human being besides God can pull apart. Lifetime is the commitment that someone should make only in their lives because they know they found the one. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
When building relationships, there are steps to follow: Such as let’s start as friends. Let’s be transparent as we can be. I want to know that I’m looking at my best friend. Knowing that the person, I’m sharing a body with respect enough to understand there is more than sex that holds a relationship together. Communication Trust Honesty Growth as a couple and individual people, so the two parties involved can become a more robust unit. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
She falls in love with her best friend. Friendship without expecting anything in return made that much easier for them to fall in love. Falling in love with him came to nature, and later on, that friendship foundation was the one thing that helped her discover if it is love or was it just a friendship that she was lusting over and nothing more. Late-night conversations. I was laughing for no reason. Knowing who she was without trying to find out what she held between her legs was the most powerful statement of their friendship could ever stand. Being vulnerable and not being judged spoke volumes of the type of person he was. He gave her strength when she didn’t have any. He gave her his arms so she could feel safe in them, and those arms never hurt her, and most importantly, those arms were there to protect her. We will fight until the sun came up, but we would never go to bed without saying I love you, and crazy enough, he knew she loved him before she dared to tell him. The best part of having him as her best friend was she never needed to pretend with him because he knew her and knew what she needed and what she needed was not anything store-bought but just someone who is always going to keep a smile on the face and accept me as me. Her best friend constantly challenged her but never made her feel like the crap on the bottom of the shoe he taught her instead of talking down to her, and he also gave me strength when she was weak. He made her better when she couldn’t make herself better; he taught her that we would be good as long as they were right. Loving her best friend was not easy, but it was worth the fight because we wanted to win and never lose; what brought us together one day was our friendship. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
It hurts to be the bigger person, but it needs to be done, especially if I want his friendship. Friendship is better than not having anything at all. Being just friends is a new role for everyone in this Playing field, but I know we can make it happen if we both want it. As a couple, we tried to make things work, but it just didn’t happen, so now we are in two different places in our lives. We know, The next best thing is to be each other’s cheerleaders and watch each other succeed career-wise and in the love department because everyone deserves it. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
We need some pain so we can build ourselves into better people.
When it comes to matters of the heart, there’s no better reason to rebuild when your heart has been broken 1000 times over.
Anyone can rebuild their hearts; we have to through a checklist of questions of why me how when, and even sometimes where was I because sometimes we don’t even see those breakups coming, or we just like turning a blind eye to it because it would hurt too much too fed up to separation.
Whatever the case may be and you break up is difficult, but we have choices that we can make; we can give ourselves time to wallow in our self-pity because we know what happened and we know where we went wrong, or we take can take our break up as a learning experience. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
I don’t want to look back because that might be blurring my future. I don’t want to look back because I leave the door to relive something ugly that never builds me up but was strong enough to break me down.
Looking back has left me questioning if I can see a future with my future person when I am busy holding on to a past that doesn’t want me.
I have always heard that if people can glaze at their history once in a blue, I would never appreciate the person who was supposed to be my future, but it can’t be because I’m stuck in my past.
How can I not be expected to look back when everything I choose to put myself through has made me the woman I am today, someone reliable, and won’t settle for anything less than what she deserves?
Holding on to my past has left a crazy taste in my mouth even worse; it has left me second-guessing myself if I could have been that person. Honest to god, I believe that I could have been that person if I could have been truthful with myself and my future. But, instead, I struggle with accuracy and letting go because letting go of no return is the biggest struggle because I have to deal with things that I have never wanted to negotiate.
If I could be myself with my future, I could have had that unconditional love that every woman dreams of. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
Getting things on track is letting go of the old stuff and building on new chapters.
Those chapters have to include being each other’s best friends and understanding that we both came in with not so innocent past before our first hello.
I know that if I’m not ashamed of where and who I have been with, I should have no problem sharing my history with someone who will be a part of my life.
I could never be ashamed of my past because my past has made me & has also helped me grow into the person I’m today.
I have never been the type to expose myself because my past is just that of my past.
Why should my past play a part in my future?
My future is being with someone who could be my best friend.
My future is being able to grow old with someone.
My future is about not letting outsiders’ influencers influence what our love should be.
My past marks my future should have been not by an outsider. But by the one who states to love me. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
Close the door before allowing another door to open.
Closing the door on something like your past makes sure that the person closing that door is ready for something new.
If not, we can find ourselves with a messy front door, asking ourselves if everything we are doing is for the right reasons.
We should only open another door when we have worked on ourselves well enough to know that we are not trying to open the door for anyone to make us whole to have someone add something to our lives that we have never had in another relationship. Ms. Butterfly Genesis🇩🇴
I’m not trying to question his motives, but I can’t help myself. Doubting myself in and doubting someone who wanted me has always been easy. The most challenging part of getting close to someone is not feeling like someone’s experiments or a charity case. I’ve been through such difficult times in my life; that’s why everyone around me is questionable, including myself, because I’m not sure if they accept me for me or not. So secretly, I’m not sure if I allow myself or stop looking at myself like in experiments because that’s how everyone has ever treated me. I want to allow him into my life without the fear of feeling like it will blow up in my face again. I know better than to judge people because people are always judging me, but it’s tough not to sit back and think of all the negative things that have to me. I know it’s easier to fear the unknown than to worry about what she knows. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Humble Humility Gratitude Unconditional Love Unselfish putting my needs before her own. Having the feeling like superwoman, even if that means dragging herself to care for me when I understand that she should not be caring for me anymore, I should be making sure that she is being taken care of as the queen that she is. I know that she has always tried to show me that no matter what, she would always be my #1, but I never truly understood that until our relationship of her being my caregiver completely changed.
We always struggled to have that mother-daughter relationship. I have always felt like my mom has never seen me as me. My mother instead continues to see me as her disabled daughter. She is on this earth to protect. So I struggled to understand that she is a mom who wants more for her offspring than she could have, had for herself as a mom.
I am running one of the craziest races against myself because I want to know how far I can go before my body says no more. I want to push myself on and beyond, but sometimes it seems impossible because time seems always to be running out, and I am left feeling like I could have done more if I had more time in the day to do things that I am passionate about. I am racing against myself, hoping I could beat myself one day instead of having a time telling me when it is over. Time always has been in charge of my daily life, and I feel like now I want and must be in order with my life. Honestly, I want to run my kind of race without having time to tell me what will happen next in my lap of life. I feel like running my kind of race will allow me to explore myself better, and there is no clock telling me when I should stop or keep going because I am in charge of myself. No one else is calling that shoots but me. I am in the power of myself anytime I run my race only because I am running my own life, not thinking about what others might be saying of me just because I don’t want to run their race, but I want to run my own. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I saw what I wanted to see. I felt things that I never thought I could feel again. The best feeling I have been able to feel in a long time is that school girl crush. I could smile without someone making me feel like I should not be. Texting for hours gave me a reason never to go to sleep because the moment I allowed my eyes to close, I would miss something that could be important. Worked days seem longer than ever. I could not wait to see messages that would bring butterflies to my stomach.
Even with all the beautiful things that he has to make me feel incredible unique unforgettable came a lot of resentment and many unsolved problems that always have a way of sneaking in but never sneaking back out.
I guess it’s true what people say you fight the most with the people you love, but then again, you have to know within yourself when it’s time to say goodbye to the one love you could never see yourself without me just because we are afraid to see love turn into hate.
Someone, please give her the cure for love. She is desperate to find a cure to love because if she doesn’t try and find a cure for this damn thing called love, she will die a slow death over having no remedy for love. Love can and should be a fantastic thing when people are in it for the right reasons. The only way love can become painful is to make the right choices on who they give their heart to. So the people’s defense is they don’t get to choose who they’re going to give their heart away to their heart’s do the choosing for them. Granted, verbal, we have to say yes, but if our hearts don’t tell us what to say, we wouldn’t have any way to respond. Our hearts choose what we follow because many believe that our spirit will never lead us in the wrong direction. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
She prayed for many years for the ability to make peace with a part of her life. She felt that she would never make peace with it because it was never the right time or place in her life.
When she least expected it, her prayer of making peace came true because that part of her life that she desperately needed to make peace with came looking for her instead of looking for it and trying to make peace with it herself as always.
Making peace means revisiting old wounds, Forget-given but not forgotten. As she looks for peace, other emotions that have been buried for years accidentally resurfaced. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
You better tell her that you love me. You better tell her the nights you don’t come home is because you are home with me. She needs to know that karma is slapping her in the face like it once did me. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I want to love. I want to make sure that you will be there to catch me if I fall in love. When we take the chance to fall in love, there’s no guarantee that there will be someone there to catch you when you fall, but when you have suffered so many heartbreaks, People begin to look for some validation that they’re not alone in falling in love. Nothing in life has been guaranteed, but we have to be willing to fake until we find a way to make it. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
She wants a partner. She wants a partner that she can grow with and know that she can be herself. She wants a partner that shares the same common goal as a Couple. She wants an encouraging partner to see the best in her when she can’t see in herself. She wants a partner to love and fight with and knows that everything does not have to be perfect. What might work for others might not work for us, and that’s what partnership is all about. Ms. Butterfly Genesis🇩🇴
Love is patient. Love is understanding. Love is growing together and becoming one. Love is fighting and knowing when it’s time to let go. Love is a four-letter word that should not be used as a Band-Aid to cover up underneath the surface that abuses the word love. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Temporary people always find a way to teach you long-term lessons.
Temporary people are not meant to be long-term people, no matter how bad we would like to make them long-term people.
Temporary people can give us what we want for the moments or make us live unforgettable moments that we may never be able to live again because those moments were meant to be lived with those temporary people.
Temporary people are like seasonal weather; they don’t stick around long enough for anyone to get comfortable or get to know them better. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Let me start by saying I’m not a relationship expert, but I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends, and she inspired me to put this piece together.
Just remember what I said in the first line; I’m not a relationship expert.
I’ve been in good and bad relationships to know that no matter how much a woman can love a man more than anything else in the world, that still won’t be enough to keep him.
As women, we become so consumed in relationships with men that we forget about our own identities and the things that made us happy before we became a unit.
As women, we also try to be the man in everything possible, so they feel catered to.
No matter how much we want to cater to them, there are no guarantees that that man will be your be-all, just like a woman wants, a man to be her be-all as well.
Like I’ve said many times before, I’ve been married before.
One of the main things that I learned being married is I was trying to be his superwoman by taking care of things that we should have been doing together because we were supposed to be a unit.
I guess I never pushed him to take on a husband’s role because I did not want to seem weak.
I made it seem like I had everything under control because I wanted to keep him happy.
Still, I did more damage than good because I wasn’t honest with him by letting him know that I couldn’t do everything myself that I needed his help.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that everyone comes into your life for a season, and with the purpose, whatever purpose that is, it’s up to that person to find out and determine if that person is willing to stick around find out what the purpose was.
I continuously tell my girlfriends that they need to love themselves before love can find them.
My divorce taught me how strong I was as a woman and as a person. But, of course, that divorce alone was hell.
I never thought that I would make it through it. But, I did, and I became a stronger person because of it.
Of course, people hate when I thank my ex-husband for filing for divorce.
Still, I thank him because, going through such a traumatic divorce, I learned that the one person I could rely on always was me because everybody else was busy saying I told you so while my heart was breaking.
If I could have a moment of honesty, I honestly didn’t think I could make it through that and still want to find love or allow love to see me.
Love found me, but I had no idea how to appreciate it until I no longer had it.
Being single for two years has taught me that I can’t lose focus when I’m in a relationship with anyone.
I am at my happiest right now because I’m doing things I never thought I would do.
Even though I might not have all the recognition I desire to have, I am at my happiest right now because I’m doing things I never thought I would be doing.
The stuff I have going on with myself right now might not be essential to people, and they might not believe in me, but I believe in me.
I am my main focus right now, but I’m not going to close the door on love.
If love happens to find me again, I would be willing to listen and do many things differently, but the main thing I would do differently is no forget about me and things that make me happy, whether my partners believe in me.
I loved as hard as I could. I also enjoy every moment for what it was, not for what I tried to make it. I never questioned how far we could have made it if we had done right by each other. We could have made it farther than those who were waiting for us to fail. We had nothing to prove to all eyes on us, but we did fail each other with no real excuse. The absolute truth was I was checking for my past instead of reinsuring you that you were everything I wanted and more. When it’s all said and done, I will always have a love for you, but now I must learn how to love you from afar. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
When we decide to make changes in our lives, we have to make sure we are doing it for the right reason, but most importantly, we are doing it for ourselves.
The change should only happen when we need to improve ourselves or see something we might not like ourselves.
We should never change who we are to fit someone’s mounding of who we should be for them. Compromising is a give-and-take situation.
If anyone has to change who they are, then the person they begin to love is not who indeed are, and if anyone is going to love me, they will need to love me for me and all my flaws.
When people can love me for who I am, that’s real love because love is unconditional love.
I don’t want to fall in love. When I fall in love, I fall in hard. By loving as hard as I do, I’m able to love him with his scars, even with the broken heart he walked in. I don’t want to fall in love because I forget who I am anytime I find myself in love. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
She Will never know what real love is until she is willing to test it. Testing love by arguing and knowing that we will be saying I love you by the end. Testing love is compromising & understand that when we compromise, not one person won over the other, but what it means is their growth within us. One of the most significant challenges of testing love is when the world feels the need to test the strength of what others think real love should. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I love hard. I love fearless. I love with strength. I love with faithfulness. I love knowing that love can conquerors all as long as we will put our best foot forward. Love is used as a band-aid to cover those things we don’t want to show. If we are not willing to love without conditions, then we can not enjoy it. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
My heart hurts always, and the sad part is no one realizes it.
I want to stop mistreating. But I need to stop hurting most of all.
There are so many things causing me pain right now. It’s hard to pinpoint which one is causing me more pain. Is it the fact that he is no longer a part of my life?
Is it that I feel imprisoned in myself, and I am desperate to find a way out of myself?
I need to get out of my way to accept my wrongs before I can make them right.
I would love to believe that the only thing I have ever done wrong is love people that have no clue how to love me back or that I love way too hard.
Right now, it might just be all in my head, but I believe people believe the worst when I have a gold heart. But, still, it’s complex or challenging for anyone to see that because of all the pain that I’ve caused people around me and the fact that people don’t have a problem understanding me like crazy.
I can’t blame them because that’s the only thing that I have shown people. After all, I’ve so many times it’s so much easier for me to show them that other side of me. Instead of showing them that woman with a heart of gold.
I love someone no one will ever approve of or want around, and I’m OK with that because it is my choice to live my life.
They are far from perfect and very strong-tempered. But they don’t give a fuck what the world thinks of them or even what I think of them either. I sometimes wish people could see past their macho attitude and realize they are very passionate, loving sexual beings, making it very difficult for anyone not to share their lives with them. They might not be as forgiving as I would like them to be, but they give themselves to whoever needs them with no questions asked.
The most fantastic part of any woman is how she can use her body to bring new life into this crazy world that we are all a part of.
What has been bugging me about being a life-givers is that we as woman don’t appreciate the fact that God blessed us as a woman to have the ability to use our bodies for human life.
Sometimes as woman, we can be selfish and think about being a woman before being a mom to another human being.
Giving birth to another human is the most incredible thing that a woman could do. I was a woman who desires to be a mom one day.
All I bring myself to say is that we should never taken someone life for granted.
I feel like a hypocrite talking about not making a living like a child’s life allowed.
When I laid down and had life ripped out of me because we felt we were not ready to be parents, we felt prepared to have sex.
I’m guessing the advice I was hoping to get before getting involved in a sexual relationship was that sex is a huge responsibility that should not be taken lightly because our bodies might be talking two different languages that our brains are.
Let’s remember that all children are blessed and should not be treated like toys that we can put away when we don’t feel like playing mommy.
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 