I am so proud of myself for having the strength to sit in my chair and write this without tears. Please don’t mistake the absence of tears as the absence of missing you — my heart screams for you every single day.
But tonight, the scream is different. It’s not only grief, it’s joy. Joy that so many wonderful things are finally happening to me, for me, around me. It’s wild to think you can’t be here to share in it, to be happy with me, to witness the way I’m growing.
I miss you in every breath, but I’m learning to let that longing live beside my gratitude. And maybe that’s the strength I’m most proud of — to miss you and still move forward.
I wish you could see me now. Not because I need you to, but because I finally can. I’m in the most peaceful place I’ve ever known. If I had known then what I know now, I would’ve fought harder to find myself sooner. But this version of me needed time to bloom. She’s softer. She’s stronger. She’s mine. Peace isn’t just a feeling—it’s a face, and today it looks like me.
Body: I’ve always known I was blessed in more ways than one. But for a long time, I couldn’t see it—too tangled in my pain, too focused on what I thought I’d lost. You were my anchor, and when you left, I thought I drifted too far to find myself again.
But I was wrong.
It turns out that the parts of me I thought were gone were just tucked away and waiting and waiting for me to stop holding onto pain as a proxy for love. Waiting for me to choose myself—not despite you, but because of me.
Now I see the blessings. I see them in every discovery, every moment of joy, every breath I take without you. I’m still here. And that’s the biggest blessing of all.
I don’t need to hold onto the past to hold onto you. I need to keep becoming the woman I was always meant to be.
I lost you— But in the losing, I found the map again.
I found my voice In the quiet strength I didn’t know I had, because I was too busy standing behind someone Who never turned around to ask my name, Or why my silence sounded like survival.
I found myself— In the mirror, In the ache, In the art.
But I lost you. And maybe that was the cost of becoming whole.
I don’t know where to begin, but I must say something. Something is better than nothing. And this—this is everything I’ve been holding in.
I miss you. Unbelievably. More than my heart can contain. Yes, life keeps moving, but it’s harder now. Harder to start the day. Harder without our girl talks, the ones that made everything feel lighter.
I never wanted to disappoint you. But I know I did, while you were still in the physical world. Still, my intention—always—was to make you proud. Proud of me. Proud of the relationship we built, year after year, moment after moment.
And even now, I feel you. In every step I take. In every decision, good or bad. You’re still here, in some strange, beautiful way.
I know there’s only one thing you’ve ever wanted: To see your family grow. To watch love expand in ways you never got to witness. And I know you’re watching. I know you’re still hoping.
So this is my apology. To you. To the version of me that let fear win. I’m sorry for disappointing you. I’m sorry for not taking the opportunity you gave me on the other side. I’m sorry for self-sabotaging something I wanted so deeply.
But maybe everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason is love. Maybe the reason is growth. Maybe the reason is that we all want the same thing: For him to become the best version of himself. For him to find his person. And he did.
So as you look down from wherever you are, Please—make sure his dreams come true. Please—keep guiding me, even when I stumble. Please—know that I love you. And I miss you more than anything in this world.
Last night, my conversation with God was easy. No thunder. No trembling sky. Just one question, soft-spoken, But heavy like a thousand unsaid things.
I didn’t ask for miracles. I asked if she’d ever understand. Not you—God. Her. The woman who gave me life But clipped the wings before I learned to fly.
She won’t ask God. She won’t ask if she ever knew the pain of removing pieces of me like clutter from a shelf— because she felt like it, because she thought it wasn’t good enough for the version of me she imagined.
And maybe that’s the part that stings. Not the silence. Not the absence. But the belief that a mother could mold a child by subtraction.
I take my seat in this life With full accountability. I own the detours, The broken mirrors, The dreams I folded into corners because I thought they’d fit better there.
But what gets under my skin— What burns slow like incense in a locked room— Is the thought, not the proof, just the thought that someone who gave me breath might use that same power to choke out my becoming.
Not because she’s evil. Not because she hates me. But because she never saw the garden growing wild in my chest and thought the weeds were all there was.
And maybe I do sound crazy. But crazy is just the truth With no place to land.
So I ask God, not for vengeance, not for clarity, But for the grace to keep growing even when the soil remembers Every hand that tried to uproot.
My mind is a fortress, steel and flame, Stronger than sinew, untouched by pain. It holds me up when I want to fold, A silent guardian, fierce and bold.
But strength is fickle when hearts betray— He haunts my thoughts day after day. I run from memories, yet they stay, Pulling my heart, though I’m miles away.
I wish my heart could match the might Of this relentless, sharpened sight. If feelings bent to intellect’s sway, I’d rise with calm and walk away.
Still, I hope—as minds outgrow their chain— That I’ll embody this quiet refrain: Strong enough, come what may, To choose myself and walk away.
My mind, like a compass, has charted the map of survival— a terrain of letting go, where love is lighter than loss, And freedom is worth the unraveling.
But my heart… She lingers in shadowed corners, clutching echoes, swaying to rhythms that no longer serve me But still sounds like home.
I plead with her: “Catch up. Step in time with what I now know.” Yet she folds into silence, eyes wide with fear That healing might erase the memory of feeling.
I am two voices, written on the same page In a different ink. One says release, The other whispers, remember.
And I don’t know If this ache is resistance or reverence. But I do know— Even confusion can be a kind of clarity, If I dare to write it down And let it speak.
I open my heart to you, not polished or guarded, But torn and trembling, willing. I lay down love, not love as compassion, But the need to be consumed by another— so I may reclaim peace as one undivided, So, my thoughts may still walk in silence, and my reactions follow gracefully.
Forgive the moments I’ve responded from the storm, not the sanctuary, The times I’ve chosen impulse over insight And let your gift seem forgotten.
I bleed truth before you now: Not perfect, but present. Not pure by achievement, But willing to begin.
Let my sacrifice not be sadness but strength— not a denial, but a devotion. Make my mind up. Make my spirit still. And let your sacrifice ripple through me as a renewal, Not a regret.
I open the tattered book of yesterday, Where familiar faces haunt every line— A script of worn-out verses, repeated, unchanged.
Yet here I hold a pen of new resolve, Gently erasing guilt with each fresh stroke. I bid farewell not with anger but a soft promise, That these characters, rooted in old ways, Must learn to unbind—so I may turn the page.
Each word a quiet liberation, Each pause an invitation to dawn’s uncharted light.
I speak aloud, and the world echoes back— a reflection I never saw until now.
I was always here, beneath the layers they painted over me, beneath the wishes of others, The expectations pressed against my skin.
Love is possible, as long as I dare to unfold, to chip away at walls built in fear— but fear is a stubborn architect.
To open the door, to hand over power— Isn’t that the same as handing over the last piece of myself? I have given my body to others, because without them, I cannot move forward.
But my heart— My heart is my own. And if I hold onto it, If I keep it locked away, Who will ever truly know me?
I watch you step into your afterlife, the happiness we once dreamed of in tandem. And I whisper my congratulations, But my heart cracks beneath the weight of truth— That it should have been me.
Time does not rewind, No hands turn back the stubborn clock, And yet, my mind does laps around the past, tracing every step, every misstep, wondering if love was ever mine to hold.
I see it now, the quiet unraveling— The words I never said, the fears I never named, The walls I built were doors that should have been. I gave you Wonder Woman, But what I needed was just to be me— flawed, afraid, needing.
If I could do it all alone, Why did I promise forever? Why did I stand beside you only to let the words I wielded like knives Cut us apart?
Now, the ink is dry, the papers signed, And I am left learning the most brutal truth: That hurt does not justify hurting, that love cannot be forced backward, That your heart has long ceased being mine.
I asked the unthinkable— a question born of a feeling too fierce to silence. A woman’s intuition, that wild inner compass, urged me forth, regardless of the pain it might bring.
I trusted that quiet knowing, believing in its honest, if ruthless, guidance; despite warnings whispered in caution, I pressed on because when our hearts speak, we must listen.
But confirmation arrived like a cold wind: There was no room left for me, Another presence claimed the space where I once nurtured hope, where I once imagined a life renewed.
I’m not angry with him, No—the actual storm breaks within me; a tempest of self-reproach for ever clinging to a shimmer of possibility, a glimpse of what could never return.
The damage, like a tornado, has scattered moments into fragments, leaving my heart overwhelmed by unspoken emotions— each one a testament to all I’ve dared to feel.
Yet in this raw and scattered aftermath, I still believe: every soul deserves its joy, every woman who loves, who hopes, who dares— deserves the light of happiness, even amid the ruins.
Three years to mend what time had carved, Seventeen years of echoes, unstarved. I poured transparency like rain, Yet the past refused to drain.
We lived yesterday, never today, God gave a door, but we stayed in the hallway. And when the storm came crashing through, I found myself whispering sorry—again, anew.
Wanting so deeply, my grip turned tight, Love is fragile when held too right. I chased the past, hoping to bend, But in my grasp, it broke again.
What could have been, what should have stayed, spinning dreams on a carousel, frayed. I prayed for a second chance to prove, Yet walked in circles, lost in the groove.
I should not let another’s whisper command the tides within my heart. Yet one breath—just one— And I am weightless, adrift in longing, forgetting that I am the keeper of my thoughts, my love.
No more waiting by the window, No more wishing in the hush of midnight that he turns, that he sees, That he aches for me as I once dreamed him beside me.
He must be worthy— worthy like I must be. Yet if I am untended, If I do not cradle my name in reverence, How could I ever be worthy of him?
So I begin— not for him, not for the fleeting touch of desire, But for me. For the mirror that whispers truth, for the hands that hold my heart steady. I begin, and that is enough.
What else is left to say when the heart has screamed itself hoarse, when its walls have cracked wide open so someone—anyone—could see the blue blood spilling, pleading without words?
But wounds can be blind, too, scarred thick like stone— too numb to flinch, too closed to break again.
And so, silence swallows the echoes, and the heart learns what it already knew— some cries fall softly into the abyss, unheard.
I want my heart to still, to silence the echo of your name. I want my ribs to unburden the weight of love carved too deep.
If I could unfeel, I could unhurt. If I could unlove, I could unbreak. But wishes slip through trembling hands, and prayers unravel in the wind.
One day, perhaps, you will step into my life as easily as you step away. We will fold into each other like pages in a book, then tear apart at the spine, It was never meant to be reread.
I can wish. I can beg the stars to rewrite our fate. But life is not kind with guarantees. And love—love is never ours to command.
Though I cannot hear your voice or feel your embrace, my heart reaches out to you with every word I write. If only I could pick up the phone and hear your laughter again, it would fill the emptiness that echoes within me. Instead, I settle for this pen, pouring my soul onto paper, hoping to stay connected with you, even for a fleeting moment.
I know you see everything—every stumble, every tear, every triumph. You watch over us, even when the weight of it all might feel unbearable. But still, I want to tell you, just in case you ever feel like letting go. I miss you more than words can capture, and I know I’ve fallen short, often letting you down when I should have stood stronger. For that, I am sorry.
Life has been chaotic since you’ve been gone. Old habits crept back into my days, and I struggled to find footing. And yes, I’ve been told I’m a little crazy—but I’m working on it, honestly. I’m rebuilding myself, this time for me. I’m learning to close the lingering chapters left open for far too long, finding the courage to face what I once avoided.
I miss your laughter most of all—the way it lit up the room and reminded me of the love you held for your family. The babies are here now; your granddaughter would’ve been your joy. I wish you could be here to see how life has unfolded, dress her up in little outfits, and revel in the pride of our boys becoming the men you always knew they could be. I hope you can feel how much we love and honor you, even when we stumble.
Please continue to watch over us, pray for us, and guide us with your spirit. I promise to keep speaking to you in every way I can, holding onto the bond that time and space can never break.
Tears linger just behind my eyes, Not born of rage nor sorrow’s disguise. But of comfort, strange and unplanned moments shared with the one who first held my hand.
She was unyielding, with words sharp and bare, no cushioning of feelings, and no room for despair.
“Rid yourself of these emotions,” she sternly declares, “Life has so much more than love’s fleeting airs.”
And I agree—life holds a vast view. But missing from mine is the person I knew. Anger simmers—does she see, does she care?
Or is indifference cloaked in the air?
I wrestle with trust and letting her in. Guarded and vulnerable, where do I begin? If my mother can’t see the ache in my chest, who else could understand and invest?
She should be my haven, compass, friend, and confidante on whom I could always depend. But her eyes brush past the anguish I hold—my love, my loss, my story untold.
Still, I must face her with honesty and grace, even when her warmth feels misplaced. I yearn to impart love and understanding to bridge the divide that tugs at my heart.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I opened a chapter of my life, I thought she might read my words, Understand my heart, Comprehend the weight of where I stood.
But her response? “Throw it away”—as if feelings could be discarded, Like remnants of broken things.
Yet what I feel is not trash. It’s love— Love for someone who was my person Though I was never theirs.
From the sidelines, I hope, I pray for a sliding door to open, To slip back inside the space we shared, To rewrite the story without time’s shackles.
I love him for more than reasons: For the way, he gave me wings. With him, I was me, He made me feel— Butterflies, fire, and untethered desire.
I didn’t have to think; I learned to follow the trail of my feelings, To love him as fiercely as myself. And now, ten years—ten lifetimes—later, When they tell me to discard him, To get rid of a decade’s worth of aching truths, I ask, How do you throw love away?
Love is not disposable. Love is the journey of bruises and beauty, The lessons are carved by pain and strength. Love is grace, It’s kindness. Love is life’s mirror— Love is you.
Society speaks of mothers as those who give birth— But truth sways softly in its quiet worth. To nurture, to guide, to teach with love— A mother’s essence rises far above.
Not flesh nor blood defines her role, But the steadfast care that heals the soul. She whispers wisdom, dreams that soar, And disciplines with a heart that restores.
Motherhood is a mantle, weighted and accurate— It’s the love that embraces when the world is cruel. The one who wakes, who listens, who sees— Who loves without measure, despite displease.
No mistake is too big, no flaw too deep— For her, love is a lighthouse where we weep. A mother is far more than birth and name— Her nurturing heart sets her aflame.
Moving forward doesn’t mean you have to sever ties with the memories or the feelings—they can accompany you, not as anchors, but as echoes of what shaped you. Acknowledge the pain, but also allow space for new joys to settle. It’s okay to feel afraid; fear has a strange way of signaling growth.
What if you focus on looking within yourself instead of looking towards them? The strength and light that person once gave you might already be within you—it just needs nurturing. Could that perspective help you soften the hurt while still carrying it in your heart?
I tinted his heart with shades of regret, Lost in the echoes of words unsaid. It is more straightforward to break than to mend, Love, denied, refused to bend. Years pass, and the weight still clings, In the silence, my heartstrings sing. Seeking peace in the fragments of the past, Hoping for an opportunity,
I Have a Dream speech is one of the most famous speeches heard worldwide and is one of the most-used quotes.
When Martin Luther King addressed the nation with his I Have a Dream, his main goal was to see a united nation become one.
Which meant seeing no color or ethnic background.
I know times like today when people are losing their lives over nothing; it’s challenging to see this. I have a dream speech that has become a reality.
It’s challenging to dream about anything when we are busy living in a survival mood to be able to dream about what our future might be.
I will say something, but before anything comes out of my mouth, I will say that I will not be unapologetic.
Everyone says this death brought a lot of positive changes to a nation, and that might be true in the sense that we, as colored people, can integrate other races that might not be our own.
On the other hand, things we get looked down upon just because we look or speak another language that is not American. So even though he put his own life on the line, we could be looked at as one nation. I am sad to say that we are still being racially profiled so many years after his untimely passing.
People like:
Breonna Taylor was on her own and killed because of a mistake in the address.
Trayvon Martin was Murder for being a black Young man in the wrong neighborhood and wearing a hoodie.
George Floyd George Perry Floyd Jr. (October 14, 1973 – May 25, 2020) was an African American man who was murdered by a white police officer in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
I’m only saying a few names because these human beings were racially profiled no matter what the media made it out to be.
Dr. King believes in violence, so that is also a sad thing to see people lose their lives when Dr. King sacrificed his own life so we could be that nation of I Have a Dream speech he spoke so highly of.
It’s been a while since I put pen to paper, so here goes nothing. 2024 is leaving, and we’re welcoming 2025 into our lives; those who have to leave things behind should and will leave them behind because the whole point of a New Beginning is being able to leave the old baggage behind. I’m saying that all to say that I’m saying that all to say this.
I’m leaving 2024 with a lot of blessings and a lot of opportunities that I never thought in 1 million years I would have always seen, and one of the significant things that I am proud to say 2024 has given me is a new lease on life and the newest chapter of my life. And those who know me know I am a total girly girl throwing through. That’s what I am. That’s what I’ve always been.
For the last few weeks, I’ve been contemplating buying myself a ring—not just any ring, but one that represents recommitment to myself as a person and a woman.
When people or the world chooses to look down at my hands and ask me what that is, I will say it’s a commitment I have made to myself coming into 2025. I’m committing to having the best relationship with myself that I can have. Before I can have any relationship with someone else, I’m committing to putting myself first and foremost.
I’m also committing to being kind and understanding to myself, and I’m also committing to loving and growing with myself as I grow; I know I will make mistakes because who doesn’t make mistakes?
But those mistakes are gonna be my learning stepping stone to becoming a better version of who I know I can be and should be for myself and no one else. Who better to be married to me than me? I choose me for now and forever. It’s all me.
Pen and paper is the only way I can communnot notith you right now . Pendant paper is the only way I can allow not nott to break and cries those unwanted tears. I’ve been holding back for so long by choice. Pen and paper is the only way I truly see myself and my heart whether it’s breaking or weather is being held on by a string, but whatever it is, this is the only way I can show it. Goddamn, how I wish you were here to see and hear everything no I don’t want you to decide with me because I know you won’t. I know his blood so he takes priority. I just wish you were here to listen, and then of course side with him one of the very last conversations you and I ever had was about set individual and you asked me if I ever thought about reuniting our lives together and I told you I would give anything and everything to make that happen. But your girl was wrong. I couldn’t do it or I wouldn’t do it because of fear of things blowing up again in my face I love and I love hard and there’s no other way I know how to love. I guess what I’m trying to let you know without going in circles is that I fucked up again but this time I acknowledge that I fucked up because he asked me for one simple thing and I believe that I asked him for one simple thing, but neither one of those simple things could’ve been met by either one of us Honestly girl when I was with him, I enjoyed every moment every second of every time we could be together I didn’t waste it and you how I know I didn’t waste it because every time I went home I couldn’t wait till the next time we were together, but what made it cheap for me was that I knew it was just a moment and in that moment, I was looking for more than just a moment but once again scary cat me couldn’t or did not know how to say that without making such subject so uncomfortable. I never wanted to ruin the moments talking about feelings and what I needed from the subject but sometimes I couldn’t help myself. I went off on impulse and I just opened myself up and said I loved you and I know now that you’re my person.
No, now I’m sitting on my bed right into you because it’s the only way I can communicate with you and I’m never going to stop saying how much I fucking miss you and I know, and you should be disappointed in me because I feel like besides letting myself down once again After so much prayer of hoping that me and said subject could ever be it didn’t happen and it did not happen because of me because even though things happen so long ago, I live certain memories in my head anytime I would see that subject and I would wonder what I was doing with that subject if I felt the way that I did and the way that I felt was empty .
Empty because I was afraid to allow myself to feel anything but at the same time I was lying to myself because I did feel I just didn’t feel the right feelings at the right moment I felt anger I felt deception. I felt disappointment. I would always ask myself on the way home . How the fuck can I continue to do with this when I know that my heart was covered with pain, rage and confusion and most importantly love..
Is it too much to ask for the subject to pour as much love as I was pouring onto them? I guess it was because even though they say my mouth that they forgive me for all the stupidity that I ever did it felt like they didn’t because at times they were unbelievably stoic with me. It was like somebody else was with me And not not the person I was used to period like I said when we last saw each other and spoke to each other over the phone. I believe you were the only one rooting for us to get back what we had to preserve it and if we got that second chance Not to look back or to pay attention to things the people would’ve said, and I’m sorry that I let you down. I’m even sorry that I let myself down but I’ve come to realize that the word sorry it’s just a Band-Aid and I’m tired of being covered in Band-Aids. I don’t wanna be covered in Band-Aids anymore. I want to be free of Band-Aids and I hope you understand that being free of Band-Aids is being free of him even though my heart wants what it wants and it wants said subject, but I’m just a big fuck up and I can’t continue saying I’m sorry and continue to do the same bullshit over and over again expecting for four subject to forgive me just because I said I was sorry when and only when someone is really sorry they would never do anything to cause anyone
I also have to let you in on a little secret. He hasn’t been the same since you’ve been gone, but of course I don’t need to tell you that because you were were his own personal diary and you took a lot of of his dirty secrets with you even how he felt about me Those years we spent without speaking to one another honestly, I wish you were here for so many reasons that we won’t get into right now, but one of the most important reasons I wish you were here is so sad subject could have life back into his heart because I’m clueless on how he’s made it this long Without you. For me it’s been a true nightmare, not having you around to talk to to see to laugh to make plans with I miss you and no one will ever take your place in my heart and I hope nobody takes my place in your heart. I love you And I’ll talk to you soon. I don’t know how soon but I’ll talk to you again because I hear you screaming your head off probably cussing me out and I deserve it.. I love you big head and I hope as you’re up there looking down on all of us you teach me not to forget but to forgive myself because that is my biggest pet peeve and struggle. I’ve never learned how to forgive myself. I can forgive others for doing me dirty , but I can’t forgive myself, which takes away the purpose of forgiving others because I have to be able to forgive myself in order for me to forgive others and I’m ass backwards. You should know that I shouldn’t have to tell you well either way I love you and I miss you and I hope That wherever you are you’re still watching over all of us why wow we try our very best to keep living..
Those who have followed me know I am a disabled blogger, and As a disabled blogger, I share my life with the world. But with that comes a lot of criticism. People think my posts are just me complaining, but I’m trying to show people the real me.
This is my life, and no one else is writing it. Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of this post. I want to hear the words I’m proud of you, no matter what I’ve accomplished.
I want to hear them. I’m proud of you and knew you could do it despite your limitations. But sadly, I’m 43 years old, and I haven’t heard those words from anyone who’s given me life and purpose and pushed me for the last 43 years so I can keep living.
I thought I was here to be as successful and independent as possible, but that’s not the case with my mother-and-daughter relationship. I’m 43, and she’s given up her life journey for me because, like I’ve said before, I’m a burden.
So, she thinks and wants me to believe that, but I don’t because I know I can and will do what I have to do for myself, not anyone else. It drives me crazy that just because I’m disabled, I’m supposed to be a piece of furniture that doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, and doesn’t do anything. That’s not who I am.
I’ve never been that person. She’s always told me out of all my children; you’ve been the most defining child I’ve had because I know I can and will do for myself as much as I can, and the things I can’t do for myself, I will find someone to help me do those things for myself because I know what I need for myself to be me.
As a parent, I’d ensure my child is self-sufficient, regardless of ability. The hardest thing for a parent is leaving a child unprepared for life. I thought our relationship would become simpler as she matured and saw me as an adult. But I’m not a child.
I may need help physically, but I can take care of everything mentally. There’s nothing wrong with my brain. I’m not afraid to learn or teach. I thought I’d told her I’m not afraid to live beyond my limitations. I’m not afraid of my limitations; they’ve become my greatest strength. My strength goes beyond anything anyone could imagine.
Hey, Mom, I have something super important to share with you. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me, but I also think it’s time for us to figure out what we can and can’t do without each other. You’ve given me so much of yourself, and I want you to know I appreciate it.
But I also need to take care of myself and my own needs. I’m not saying I don’t love you, but I need to spread my wings and fly. I know it’s scary to think about being without each other, but I also know it’s time for us to find peace and happiness.
I know you’ve done your part and deserve your time to find out who you are without me. I’m so proud of the amazing person you’ve raised me to be, and I know you’ll always be there for me, even if we’re not always together. Trust yourself, Mom. You’ve done an incredible job, and I know you’ll always be my rock.
I‘m grappling with the reasons behind my high expectations for our meeting. I regret that I placed such a heavy burden on our interaction.
The easy answer or the cowardly answer would be. I’ve missed you for a long time, so I took a leap of faith in something. I had yet to learn how it was going to turn out or if it was going to turn out at all. The fact that I miss you does not hurt. I allow myself to build up all these different expectations because we’re adults, and we should be able to lay all the cards on the table and speak our truth.
Whatever our truth is, that’s what we should speak about. I’m angry at myself for setting myself up for expectations. I’m always the first one to preach about not expecting anything. That way, when you don’t receive what you believe you should’ve received, there’s no disappointment because there were no expectations. The excitement of knowing I would be in your presence again over to my better judgment and memory loss of the times you chose to go MIA on me.
Once again, I’ve learned that having no expectations is better than having some, as I’m tired of being let down. Even with all the disappointments I’ve been through, I’ve always managed to see the good in people. But if I were to disappoint someone, I’d be the worst person alive. Yet, as I’ve learned, it’s better not to expect than to expect something from nothing.
Do you think following your heart makes you stupid? I’m afraid I have to disagree. Letting your heart lead shows you’re willing to embrace life’s uncertainties and to feel deeply even when there’s no guarantee.
Sure, it’s left you with questions and maybe some hurt, but isn’t that part of being authentically human?
Maybe the real issue isn’t that your heart is too open but that others haven’t met you with the same sincerity.
What would it look like to protect your heart without closing it off entirly?
I don’t know you, and you don’t know me personally, and I don’t understand why I feel the need to write to you, but I do so here. I am just putting a few lines together.
I knew of you before you were born, and let me see that when I found out about you, it was a shock throughout my whole body because there were so many different emotions running through me that I couldn’t process everything at once.
From day one, your dad has told me never to worry about you because you don’t care and want him to be happy. This is why I need to write down my feelings on paper.
I owe you that respect. I want to let you know who I am and what I’m about and open up that line of communication between us so you don’t feel like anyone is misleading you.
Since you entered the world, my concern has always been your well-being, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s always been about you, as it should be.
You are probably asking yourself. Why am I taking the time to share my feelings with you? Like I said before, I owe you that respect because you are the most important person in his life, so the most important person in his life. I want to open up that line of communication with you.
No, I’m not trying to replace anyone in your life or become something I’m not. I want you to see me as a friend you can depend on emotionally and mentally, not always physically because the distance is crazy.
Still, anything is possible, especially when someone means the world to you. There’s no distance far enough to keep you away from the person you care about the most, and even though you don’t know me, you have my whole heart.
Your dad and I have known each other for 22 years. That’s a lot of years, a lot of history. There are many good and bad times between times, but mostly good all the way around.
What makes your dad a particular person to me is the fact that he was able to look beyond my chair and see me as a person because I have to be honest with you: not too many people see me past my chair or my limitations, but your dad was one of those special people that was able to do that and was able to make me feel just like any other girl and treated me just like any other girl and because he was able to see beyond my disability, we were able to live out a fantastic romance with no embarrassment no regrets and no hiding.
Things happen for a reason. Every person has a season, and you and your dad had five incredible, challenging years together. If one day you want to know what those challenging things are, you can ask your dad or me, and I will be happy to answer those questions for you. We had to go through those challenging years.
The hardest part of those challenging years was when we finally pulled away from each other because there was a dark cloud of blue over us. We couldn’t bounce back from that, so your dad and I decided it was best if we went our separate ways and continued living our lives, and that’s precisely what we did. We moved in different directions.
To this day, we decided to separate, not because we didn’t love each other, but because we knew things would never be the same. The best thing that came out of our separation was you because he lives and breathes and sees through your eyes, and he sees his peace and gratitude because he has the most fantastic gift any man can receive: that daughter.
I’m grateful to God that he has such a fantastic daughter because you’ve taught him so much about himself and his self-worth as a man and a dad. Of course, I don’t have to tell you how amazing of a dad he is because you see it; you live it every day.
Who am I? I’m someone who shared terrific times with your dad. I loved your dad no matter what he did or didn’t do.
He was always loved and respected, but I removed her from his life so that you could be the leading woman.
I’m so glad that I did that because I now get to see him in the newest chapter of his life, and that’s being a fantastic dad to a daughter.
I’m not going to lie. When your dad told me he would talk with you about me, thoughts started running through my head.
My first thought was what was going through her head as they had this conversation and how much he was telling her about me.
You have always been my priority, even though you don’t know me and I don’t know you.
The main thing your dad and I argue about is the fact that I worry about you too much, he says, and I do because you’re a part of him, so if you’re a part of him, I have to worry because you’re part of him he’s a part of you. You’re a part of him, so I will always worry about you and whether we will meet one day.
You will always be my priority, especially if something doesn’t fit or is not working. I’m always going to make sure that I consider your feelings for the small things, for the big things, whatever it is.
I will always worry about what you think and how you feel. That’s just in my nature, and I’m a Virgo, so Virgos always worry and overthink things, but we also know how to have fun too, and I hope one day I get to meet your beautiful face in person so that we can torture your dad just a little bit.
I hate reliving the past, but it is so difficult not when a simple word can take me to a negative part of something that was supposed to be a dream come true. It was a dream come true the first day I was on cloud nine because my heart overflowed with love.
Anytime I saw our lives together, I saw it through his eyes because having the ability to see through his eyes made everything seem peaceful and grateful. I was selfish because I wanted and needed things to be perfect.
I never really understood what the obsession needed to be perfect until a few years later, I found myself in situations where it was not so perfect for me to be apart.
Not being perfect was out of the question because I did not want him to rethink his choice of being with me.
So, in my mind, I had to be flossed because even though the world never asked me to be perfect, I put pressure on myself to be someone I was never built to be.
MY DESIRE TO SCREAM I PROMISE TO ANYONE WHO IS CRAZY ENOUGH TO READ THIS THAT MY DESIRE TO SCREAM IS A NEED AND JUST A WANT.
I NEED TO SCREAM BECAUSE IF I DON’T FIND THE STRENGTH WITHIN MYSELF TO DO SOMETHING I HAVE DENIED FOR YEARS BECAUSE OF THE FEAR OF NO ONE LISTENING TO ME.
I HAVE ALWAYS SAID NO ONE WILL EVER LISTEN TO MY ACHED HEART, BUT HOW DO I KNOW THAT WHEN I HAVE NEVER TRIED TO LEAVE MYSELF OPEN TO SAY WHAT I FEEL OR IF ANYONE IS SAYING SOMETHING, I AM NOT READY TO SHUT DOWN LIKE A LAPTOP OR AN IPAD.
HOW CAN I MAKE PROGRESS AS A PERSON WHO WANTS AND NEEDS TO LISTEN BETTER TO MOVE FORWARD IN LIFE? I AM CONSTANTLY CHOOSING TO CHECK OUT EVERY CHANCE I GET BECAUSE THAT’S ALWAYS BEEN THE EASIEST THING FOR ME. I DON’T WANT ANYONE READING THIS TO BELIEVE I LOVE HAVING THINGS HANDED TO ME. I WILL WORK FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE AND WANT IN MY LIFE.
WHEN IT COMES TO SHARING MY FEELINGS ON PAPER, I FEEL LIKE I DO GREAT EVEN THOUGH MY ENGLISH SOMETIMES MIGHT NOT BE ENGLISH TO PEOPLE WHO TRY AND READ MY FEELING BECAUSE THERE MIGHT BE WORDS MISSING OR A WHOLE ASS SENTENCE IS MISSING, SO IT THROWS THE PIECE OFF.
EVEN THOUGH THE WHOLE WORLD HAS TOLD ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO GIVE UP SOMETHING LIKE WRITING THAT I LOVE MORE
THAN ANYTHING ELSE THAT HAS BEEN A PART OF LIFE.
PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE LANGUAGES; MINE HAPPENS TO BE WRITING. I COULD AND WILL NOT SEE MYSELF HAVING ANOTHER LOVE LANGUAGE.
I’m blessed that I am going to be blessed to see 43.
It’s a blessing because I was not supposed to make it past a few hours after entering this world.
Coming into this world, two pounds and one ounce, anything and everything is questionable.
God saw something special in me. He pushed me strong enough that I could still be here 43 years later when sometimes I question myself and my existence in the world.
I want to believe why I question my existence when I understand if I can question why I am still here when I have nothing important to show for the 43 years of my life.
The only thing I have to show my 43 years are the scars my heart holds on to from the many times it has been used and abused by the world we live in because my heart has always struggled to see the bad in people.
When people read this piece, they will say, “Stop complaining, and don’t do anything to change your life so you may feel better about it.”
The only response I could give was that I felt stuck within myself. I have imagined many times before where I would have been at the age of 43, owing something that is my own and independently away from my mama, showing her that she has given me many tools to survive on my own.
I will always need to know whether she and I share the same space.
Love is over Reddit, and I am not even worried if love finds me again because the best person to love is me, even though I can be honest with myself and say I have not always been the most loving person to myself.
Once in a while, I might fall back into old habits because I have no clue how to not be hard on myself.
I am expecting too much from him. I am expecting too little from him. I am not expecting anything from you because I am used to depending on myself to be that go-get.
It’s remarkable how life can surprise us, isn’t it? Reconnecting with someone after years can be both exhilarating and nerve-wracking. Your willingness to open that door and reach out shows courage and a genuine desire to reconnect.
Starting anew can be both challenging and rewarding. It’s like planting a seed and watching it grow into something beautiful.
Even though you’re beginning from scratch, remember that every conversation, every shared moment contributes to rebuilding that bond. Sometimes, the strongest connections emerge from unexpected places.
As for impulsive decisions, they’re part of being human. We all make them, and sometimes they lead us down unexpected paths.
Taking accountability is a sign of maturity and self-awareness. Perhaps this fresh start will allow you both to learn, grow, and create new memories together.
Waiting is a state of mind
A test of patience and endurance
A challenge of faith and hope
A struggle of doubt and fear
Waiting is a game of time
A countdown of seconds and minutes
A stretch of hours and days
A measure of weeks and months
Waiting is a choice of action
A pause of movement and speech
A delay of plans and goals
A postponement of dreams and desires
Waiting is a chance of change
A growth of wisdom and maturity
A learning of lessons and skills
A discovery of self and others
Waiting is a part of life
A reality of love and loss
A possibility of joy and sorrow
A mystery of fate and destiny
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Rolling through life with grace and might,
A warrior woman bathed in light.
No barrier too high, no valley too deep,
She conquers each hill, her resolve to keep.
With wheels as wings, she soars above,
Defying limits with acts of love.
A career, a family, a life so full,
She pushes forward, ever beautiful.
"Can't" is a word she's tossed aside,
For every "no," she's multiplied
Her efforts, her dreams, her zest for life,
A beacon of hope in the midst of strife.
She'll be a partner, a lover, a friend,
Her spirit unbroken, will not bend.
Motherhood's joy she may one day know,
For life's rich tapestry, she's the show.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
The world spins on, and I'm here standing still,
Haunted by the space that only you can fill.
I've penned my chapters, but the ink runs dry,
It's your name that echoes under every sky.
Oh, the one who got away, do you feel the space we made?
In every crowd, it's you I seek, in every shadow, every shade.
I'm stepping forward, but my heart remains behind,
In the hope that you'll return, and once more I'll find...
The safety of your arms, the harbor of your embrace,
Where every shattered piece falls back into place.
You're the missing verse, the melody that stays,
The home within your arms, the light in all my days.
I've tried to lock the door, leave the past behind,
But your love was the key, the one of a kind.
If whispers in the wind could bring you to my door,
I'd send a thousand words, like waves upon the shore.
Oh, the one who got away, can you hear my heart's refrain?
I'm searching for the echo of your voice, calling my name.
I'm moving forward, but I'm looking back in vain,
For the one who got away, to bring me home again.
So here's my love letter, to the one who slipped through,
The one who held my heart, in ways only you knew.
If you ever feel lost, if you ever long for home,
Remember my arms are waiting, and you're never alone.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
In the quiet echoes of my heart,
A ghostly presence takes its part.
Once a flame, now a wisp of smoke,
In his essence, I willingly soak.
A love so deep, it carved a mark,
Blinding me to the world so stark.
He was the storm, the calm, the hue,
A rarity, like morning dew.
We danced in love's fervent embrace,
Lost in time, in its endless space.
But time, it shifts, and so do we,
From who we were, to who we'll be.
Now I stand amidst love's debris,
Holding on to a memory.
A battle rages, fierce and wild,
Between what was and what's beguiled.
Yet, no regrets shall stain my soul,
For loving him made me whole.
In the love that once set me free,
I find the strength to let it be.
**I thought I could be his everything,** **On top of being his everything,** **I could be whatever I wanted to be for myself as well.**
**But in the process of being lost,** **In the process, I gave and gave until I couldn’t give anymore,** **Because I was completely gone.**
**So what else was I gonna give,** **If I wasn’t even me anymore?** **I had no clue who I was gonna become** **After separating myself from him.**
Sometimes, we lose ourselves in the pursuit of being everything for someone else. We pour our energy, our love, and our identity into their needs, forgetting our own. But it’s essential to remember that we are more than just someone’s everything. We are individuals with dreams, desires, and a unique path to follow. Separating from someone can be painful, but it’s also an opportunity to rediscover who we truly are.
Saying goodbye is like unraveling a tightly woven tapestry. Each thread, each memory, clings to the fabric of our existence. The door stands before us, its hinges creaking with the weight of our shared history. We hesitate, fingers brushing against the wood, torn between longing and resignation.
He, a phantom etched into the corridors of our souls, resides in the quiet chambers of memory. His laughter echoes through the corridors, a haunting melody that refuses to fade. We trace the contours of his absence, seeking solace in the familiar ache.
But the door beckons, its grainy surface promising release. We grapple with the paradox: to close it is to sever the lifeline that binds us, yet to leave it ajar is to perpetuate the ache. The threshold becomes a battleground where hope and despair engage in silent combat.
And so, we stand there, caught in the gravity of our emotions. The door becomes a mirror, reflecting our fractured selves. We weigh the cost of closure—the void that awaits—against the burden of perpetuity. The heart, stubborn and resilient, clings to the past, unwilling to relinquish its grip.
Yet, deep down, we know. Draining him from our veins is an impossible alchemy. Love, once infused, defies extraction. It courses through our arteries, a bittersweet elixir. We ache for closure yet fear the void it leaves behind.
Perhaps, in the quiet of the night, we’ll whisper our goodbyes. The door will yield, inch by inch, until only a sliver remains. And there, in that narrow gap, we’ll find our equilibrium—a fragile balance between holding on and letting go.
In the end, goodbye is not an ending; it’s a bridge to another chapter. And as we step across, we carry the echoes of love, the weight of memories, and the promise of healing.
OMG, I HAVE SOMETHING TO HOLD THAT MAKES OUR DIVORCE REAl
MENTALLY, I HAVE ALWAYS HAD AN UNDERSTANDING I HAVE BEEN DIVORCED FOR ELEVEN BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE WHO SCREAMED THE WORD DIVORCE AND THREW THE SYBLOM OF OUR LOVE ON THE FLOOR. THEN, I CONTINUED TO PULL HIM APART AS IF HE WAS EMIEM. Instead, I PROMISED TO LOVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. AT THAT POINT, I WANTED OUT BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I WAS CHOKING, AND I NEEDED THE ABILITY TO BREATHE AGAIN. I KNOW I WAS HELL WRONG, PASSING OFF A SMOKING MIRROR OF HAVING EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL WHEN I HAD NO IDEA HOW WE WERE GOING TO MAKE IT. THE ONLY THING I HAVE BEEN SURE OF IS HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. ELEVEN YEARS AGO AND HAVING THESE DAMN PAPERS IN MY HANDS ARE BREAKING ME IN THOUSAND PIECES. WISHING I COULD HAVE A TAKE-BACK BACK, BUT IN LIFE, THERE IS NO TAKE-BACK. WE HAVE TO LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES.
Your birthday came and went, and I couldn’t even focus on writing you a simple post like I usually do on your birthday and the day of your anniversary.
Writing would be easier because all I have left is a pen and paper to communicate with you.
I hate that the only way I can communicate with you is through paper and pen, but I’ll settle so that I can talk to you, and maybe one day, you send me a sign that you’re reading what I’m writing to you.
There are so many things that I lay up later that night wondering how we would have celebrated you and shown you that we loved you and they were blessed to have you, even if it is just you being an angel; there are so many things that I lay up later that night wondering how would we have celebrated you and showed you that we loved.
I’m assuming you get tired of listening to us tell you how much we miss and love you and wish you were still here with us so you could be enjoying every moment and every second the way we are so that we could feel complete.
I will share a little secret with you, even though I know nothing is a secret, because you can see everything from where you are. I’ve been made to feel like your departure shouldn’t hurt me or that I shouldn’t consider you my sister-in-law because I’m no longer married to your knucklehead brother. It kills me when anyone says she wasn’t family to you and we were family because you and I would always consider ourselves sister-in-laws no matter how much time went by.
I had no clue that for me to feel your departure, you and I had to have blood running through our veins, the same blood for me to fill anything from your departure. To this day, I’m still waiting for anyone to wake me up from the nightmare of you not being here and me not being able to pick up the phone and hear your voice or send you a funny text message and wait for you to respond.
It’s a nightmare when your birthday comes around because I have no one to call to wish her a happy birthday and tell you. I’ll see you soon. Besides that, I have no one to gossip with, no one to share my feelings with, or just plain laugh with.
If I had a genie in a bottle, they could make my three wishes come true. You would be number one, and for one reason only: you would be number one, and for one reason only, you would be number one because you have left so many people with many questions and answers we will never get. And I want to see you one last time.
I know I shouldn’t question your departure, and I’m not going to, but that doesn’t mean I’m not mad as hell, and the only reason why I’m mad as hell is that as much as I heard your voice that last day that has never been enough for me.
The other reason is that your brother doesn’t know what to do with himself without you here. I no longer want to see him in pain, and I know if you were here, he wouldn’t be in as much pain as he is in right now; he wouldn’t be questioning life if you were here.
I know you did not mean to leave your family, your children, but you left them with a lot of unanswered questions, and I just fucking miss you. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I miss you.
I want you here so I can know that I can pick up a phone and hear your voice at the end of the other line.
I love and miss you, and you will forever be my sister-in-law, no matter who, no matter who doesn’t like it.
Are we ever to say goodbye to anyone we care about?
I never had the chance to say goodbye. I know I should not feel like you cheated me out of more time with you. But I need to be honest with myself; I feel cheated. My head understands that you and I had no control over the time we would have and would not have.
My heart is a unique story. My heart is wondering when we can share those unfinished moments between.
Who is going to complete those promises that we would constantly talk about?
Who is going to make me laugh and cry at the same time?
I have no one to fight with because you decide the easiest thing to do is give up on yourself without any of the people in your life a second thought instead of updating you on what’s happening in life, which is a little.
I find myself struggling where I am. I know where I see myself and where I should be. The part I struggle with is I have a plan to get where I should be. The old baggage I refuse to let go of is the only thing holding me back. I am terrified to see who I would be without the baggage of pain and everything else that makes up my life. That’s why I am not where I should be. The most significant lesson life can teach anyone, including myself, is not to allow fear to control how we will move in the world.
For a long time, I thought that lying was the right thing to do, but self-consciously, I knew it was the wrong thing to do because I knew wrong, and I knew the truth from a lie.
I found it easy to keep the truth from those I cared about and the kids about me. I felt if I was ever to be vulnerable with people about actual things that were happening. They wouldn’t look at me as being perfect or ideal.
So that’s why I would like to protect my image of being perfect and superwoman in many situations and with the people I love most. I have not been in the place I’m in with my life, and I understand that I can’t be perfect; I have to be me.
Being me means not always speaking most respectfully, not always coming across as very educated, and sometimes means being challenged to deal with, trying to guess when I’m lying and when I’m telling the truth, and not being afraid of being labeled a bitch because that’s what I am. one of my biggest challenges are trying to make people believe that I’ve changed for the better, not the worst. I still have a mouth on me; yes, can I go off the deep end? Yes, I still struggle with communication regarding how to express myself more respectfully.
Still, I have no more reason to lie because, for many years, I tried to be perfect, and I wasn’t. As I get older, I care less than less about being perfect and more about being me, but it’s tough when you start something, and that’s all people see you as a liar.
The main reason why people see me the way they do or label me the way they do is because I gave them reasons to label me and see me the way they do. I acknowledge that I accept that, but what I won’t accept is to be victimized by my past that’s in my past, not in my future.
When certain people in my life hear me, don’t listen, but hear me speak on me being there for them or anybody else in my life, they automatically think, oh, she’s talking about money, and I’m not talking about money because many ways you can be there for people without money You can listen to them when they’re going through something you can be there at the most challenging moments in their lives and the happiest as well.
I learned a long time ago. That money keeps no one, and that money is just paper that goes away within 2 to 3 days. I should know I spend it like water, but when talking about being there for someone, I’m talking about being that person’s year.
Hence, they have someone to talk to if they want to talk or if they want to yell or vent or be those arms to make them feel safe, wanted, needed, desired, protected, or just being that face they could look into and know that they’re looking at someone that loves them just as much or maybe more than anybody else could ever.
Maybe I was brought up the wrong way, but I was brought up in a way that you don’t talk about me; you don’t show your emotions. And that seems funny because I’m very emotional, sometimes too emotional, and I don’t know how to hide my emotions because I always wear my emotions on my sleeves.
You could read it all over my face when something is wrong. I’m sad and happy because I show a big contradiction from what I said before. Still, I do not know how to hide when I’m happy, sad, or in love, not when my heart has been broken when I’ve lost someone I care about; that shit is hard to hide.
I am the type of person who, if you’re going through something, I’m going through it with you. I feel it. I experienced it slightly differently than anybody else, but I feel it; I live it.
But I tell myself I can’t break because I have to be vital for whoever is going through something at that particular moment in time. I never focus on myself because I like to make sure that everyone around me is OK and cared for before I can think about myself, and yes, I know that many people who know me would probably disagree with the statement I just made, but it’s true. I think about others before I think about myself.
Sometimes, I wish I could be selfish and think about myself and somebody else, but I don’t have it in me to be selfish; I like to give. Most people call that people-pleasing, but I call it giving.
I’m not expecting anything in return when I do things for others because I know God when my time comes, will bless me in the best way possible by allowing me to enter into his kingdom as the child that I am.
He won’t keep condemning me for my past because everyone has a past. No one is leaving this earth without one. Mine seems to hurt me every day of my life because every day of my life, I’m reminded of the pain caused by the troubles that I did. Still, as I said before, I won’t be victimized for my past.
My past is my past, my future is my future, whatever my future is, that is what it is going to be because that’s what I want to be if that means being alone for the rest of my life and dedicating myself to thinking that I love the most which are writing and of course, being around family then I’m OK with that I have to be and I need to be.
I had no idea the last time I heard his voice would be that final goodbye. Goodbye to him, and I never really said to each other. We hung up the phone, but I never thought it would be so final. In the darkest moments of my life, he became that bright light that I needed to get through the darkness I chose to live in because it was so much easier than facing a world that was watching me like a hawk to see if I would crumble. Yes, I had a crumbling moment the public never saw. The only time I felt it was safe to crumble was in his arms. He shielded me from the world and taught me so much about who I was as a person, and I never felt the need to pretend to be someone else so he could like me and, most importantly, respect who I am. He showed me that I was good enough no matter how crazy things got between us and strengthened me. I had no clue I could learn so much just by having late-night conversations leading into the early mornings, never desiring to get off the phone, even in our most difficult conversations. Our most challenging conversations were the things that pulled us close together and made us value each other as one but as individuals. I feel like Waldo is trying to find my light because I am sick of rolling in the darkness.
I thought we were unbreakable because nothing could make it through steel. Whenever I think about us, I think of steel because I knew no one could ever make it through. Solid from beginning to end. Best friend to amazing lovers who could challenge each other without losing sight of who we were. How could we go from being made of steel? He even made me promise that no matter where we ended up, he would never let go. I want a hand to hold, and his hand gives me safety. Was I stupid to believe that he would never let me? I want to say no because he has always known about my past and people letting me go. Out of everyone who has let me go, his hand not being there hurts the most because he promised never to let go. He has always been a man of his word. So where are You?
I miss and love you more than anything. You should be so proud of me. I finally was able to tell your daddy about you. I want to believe he was super excited to know that there was a part of him and I grow together.
Funny but not funny, your daddy called you into existence and was very persistent about your existence. I’m not going to lie; I was low-key and over the moon. I’m excited to know that I had you inside me because, in my eyes, I was going to have a part of your dad that nobody could ever take away or deny just because you would’ve been just like him.
I’m speaking from my mother’s intuition when I say that; I know you would’ve been a spitting image of him, including attitude. It would’ve been a true honor and a blessing to have a little piece of you on earth with me, even if you would’ve driven me up the wall sometimes, but I wouldn’t have changed it for anything in the world. Simply because I know you would’ve represented your father and me so very well in this world, and most importantly, you would’ve been my protector, my savior, because one of the first things your dad wouldn’t tell you was never allowed anyone to pick on your mom you always defend your mom no matter what no matter who it is, you come to your mother’s defense?
But even though you’re no longer here for whatever reason, God only knows why; I won’t question why. I will say, see you later, and please keep watching over all of us, especially your dad. Your dad needs your energy, your strength, and your clarity. I know it’s a lot to ask of you, but please watch over him and give him a reason to continue to fight and show him that your life wasn’t in vain.
Thank you for six amazing weeks. Thank you for making me understand. Things happen when they’re supposed to happen, not when we want them to happen, and I believe that you were meant to be, but for whatever reason, you didn’t come through all the way. You may have a bigger purpose you need to accomplish in heaven that you couldn’t do down here. That’s why you left. Whatever the reason, I’m glad you are watching me and protecting me as your father would’ve told you to do.
Why is asking for help such a difficult thing for people to do? We hurt ourselves a lot more when we can’t put our pride aside and say I need help because a lot of us have been conditioned to handle things alone, but sometimes we need that helping hand that’s going to pull us and show us did there is the way out of the darkness. We need not fear the hand that will pull us out of the darkness because if we fear it, how will we ever see the light again? No matter what disgusting thing might be going on in the world. We all need to continue to look towards the brightest light in front of us so we have a reason to continue to fight and build a better future. No matter what disgusting thing might be going on in the world. We all need to continue to look towards the brightest light in front of us so we can continue fighting and building a better future for ourselves.
When I decided to blog, I was leaving myself open to people’s opinions and criticism regarding the things I decided to share on my blog. I also understand that when I decide to share where exactly I am, people will only sometimes be friendly or understanding. Still, the thing about me is that I’m not looking for anyone’s sympathy or anyone to agree with my feelings and my thoughts. My blog is where I can be vulnerable and share who I am and where this life journey has taken me for many years. I would always let someone’s opinions, feelings, and negativities scare me away from sharing myself, but now I don’t have to care. I’m 42 years old. Correction: I’m going to be 42 years old, so I no longer have to have a filter about what anyone else has to say about what I post or don’t post. Being a blogger and being able to share parts of my life is a fantastic thing because I hope that by putting pieces of my life into my blog, I’m helping someone because I know I’m helping myself every single time I can sit with a piece of paper in my hand, and a pen, loving hand, and open my heart out is a fantastic process for me and helps me look at myself and try to understand myself a little bit better every day I’m not perfect. Still, I’m not trying to be, and I don’t want to be perfect. My imperfections are things that make me. For a long time, I would allow people in certain things in my life to run me away from the things I love the most in writing. I can’t see myself doing or wanting to do anything else but writing. I don’t write any ability; I find completion when I can put myself out there and be vulnerable, something that I’ve always struggled with because I’ve never believed that people have wanted to listen to what I have to say. The world will always have an opinion and criticize every little word and sentence because of their ability to break me.
Almost 42 means no filter, and no shame in my game means sharing no matter what others might think or feel, not alone fear to take over what I love the most, and that is putting word to paper.
GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF? MY RESPONSE IS SIMPLY WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU I’M IN LOVE WITH HIM. YOU INDEED LOVE, AND NO ONE IS TELLING YOU NOT BECAUSE AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A HEARTBEAT LOVE WILL BE POURING OUT FOR HIM. I HATE THAT, BUT GIRL, THAT IS YOUR TRUTH AND ANOTHER TRUTH THAT IS CONSTANTLY HE COULD BE YOUR PERSON BUT THAT DOES HE NEEDS TO BE YOURS. GIRL, THE BLAME HAS TO STOP YOU GOING TO BE 42 YEARS OLD BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. NO ONE PUSHED YOU TO DO ANYTHING YOU DIDN’T WANT TO DO. ALL THE SHIT YOU THROWOUT IS BECAUSE YOU WANT TOO. THAT’S WHY HE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN THE PERSON YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHOW HIM. YOU PRAY FOR THE RECONNECTION BETWEEN HIM AND YOU FOR SUCH A LONG TIME AND FOR GOD TO BE AS GREAT AS HE IS GOD ANSWERED YOUR PRAYER FOR YOU. GIRL, THIS WAS YOUR TIME; SHINE AND SHOW HIM THAT YOU HAVE BEEN THE WOMAN THAT HE BEEN MISSING FOR SUCH A LONG TIME. GIRL, YOU PRAYED HARDER THAN ANYONE I KNOW, AND I SERIOUSLY HAD HOPE. THAT’S WHY I CAN’T WRAP MY HEAD AROUND HOW YOU COULD FUCK UP SOMETHING YOU WANTED MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. IT’S OKAY TO LOVE HIM FROM AFAR. GIRL LET HIM GO AND STOP BLAMING FOR YOUR IMMATURE. GIRL, YOU MIGHT NEVER KNOW TO CLOSE THAT CHAPTER OF HIM. WALK AWAY AND FIND YOUR STRENGTH.
I am trapped in a doorway I have tried to close for many years.
It’s been unhealthy for my heart and soul just because I have poured myself and what I don’t into the impossible.
The part of who I am is I don’t back down from a challenge because, from the first moment I could take my first breath, I knew I was born to be a fighter.
Regarding matters of the heart, I’m a total fuckup because my heart has blinders that part of me is not ready to lift and have the truth slapped in the face.
The process of rebuilding is having the truth slapping me in the face but not all at once, but it is not giving me a choice or how much of it gets in my front.
I guess the moral of my story is simple and that is must put on my big girl panties and challenge myself by facing my fuck up.
I am trapped in a doorway I have tried to close for many years.
It’s been unhealthy for my heart and soul just because I have poured myself and what I don’t into the impossible.
The part of who I am is I don’t back down from a challenge because, from the first moment I could take my first breath, I knew I was born to be a fighter.
Regarding matters of the heart, I’m a total fuckup because my heart has blinders that part of me is not ready to lift and have the truth slapped in the face.
The process of rebuilding is having the truth slapping me in the face but not all at once, but it is not giving me a choice or how much of it gets in my front.
I guess the moral of my story is simple and that is must put on my big girl panties and challenge myself by facing my fuck up.
FIVE YEARS HAVE GONE AND COME FASTER THAN I CAN WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THE PHONE CALL I RECEIVED TO LET ME KNOW THAT SHE WAS NOT A PART OF THE PHYSICAL WORLD.
SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED IN FIVE YEARS PAPER IS THE WAY I LOVE TO COMMUNICATE, BUT MY CHOICE ON HOW I WOULD COMMUNICATE WITH HER; I RATHER HAVE HER IN PERSON SO I MAY SEE HER SHOCKED FACE WHEN I UPDATE HER ON MY CRAZY LIFE.
I MISS YOU EVERY DAY.
I LOVE YOU.
AS CRAZY AS IT MAY SOUND, YOU STILL OWE A PHONE CALL & I’LL WAIT AS LONG AS I HAVE TO BECAUSE YOU ARE AN AMAZING HUMAN BEING ALL AROUND.
Children are true blessings that can change the world. Children have the best chance to teach people about love kinds accept who they are as people. But, unfortunately, all children want to feel like they belong somewhere. It’s a shame that some people don’t or could not never imagine what strength it takes to bring another life into the world. It’s easier to take an innocent child’s life away than give those children a chance to live better than we did. We keep robbing innocent children in every single school shooting. Why does our future have to pay for someone carry-in their hearts because they don’t have anyone to show them love and how to be kind to one another?
It’s heartbreaking that our children can’t even be in a private Christian church school to protect them from harm’s way. But, I also understand God has nothing to do with the adverse action that the female took upon herself when she opened fire. So, I can’t help but question my faith in God because we are talking about innocent children that deserve to live and have an unbroken relationship with God.
Birthdays are a celebration of life and the person accomplishes, whether here or not. Birth is a true gift from god that no one should take for granted because we feel like we can and should. It’s so difficult for me to live in the moment sometimes because my brain is always ready to move on to the next thing instead of enjoying the little things in front of us. No one has tomorrow, so I celebrate the life you were and still have, even though you are not physically here. The world assumes just because time has gone by, it hurts a little less, but that is so far from the truth that all I choose to do is laugh. It hurts more now than the first birthday I celebrated without your face in mine. There are so many things that push me through a day like today, and though things are, no one else could say they had you the way I did or knew something like what made you happy or sad. Besides celebrating life, I miss those quiet moments when I choose not to make the world apart. I miss you Love You Keep Celebrating and keep being my #1 Angel. I will keep doing my part and hold you down as I have been.
I need a voice of reason. I’m desperately crying out for one right now. Whoever chooses to be my voice of reason has to be able to tell me what the fuck I’m doing so wrong and what is the right thing for me to do for myself so I no longer feel like I’m drowning. I’m drowning, and what is funny is just when I feel like I should find a final way to keep my head above water, so I no longer feel like I’m drowning; I keep making unreasonable mistakes so the water may pull me down. As much as I want to see above water, I can’t, or something bigger than me won’t allow seeing above water.
I need to stop wishing and start doing what I need to do to make those essential changes in my life.
Throughout my life, I have come to terms with the fact that I could not or should not try to change someone just because I would love for them to fit a mold that I probably can’t do myself.
When anyone wants, change begins from the inside out, we could always try to look beautiful on the outside, but if we don’t work on our insides, the outside will not matter.
The key to practicing the chances among us is taking ownership of the things we struggle with.
Valentine’s day is considered a special day because that is the day that you spend with someone extraordinary. So why should we wait for such a day as Valentine’s Day to tell that special someone or anyone in general that we love them and admire them? Time is minimal for all of us. So we should not waste our time on things we cannot control. What we should be doing is telling those around us how much we love them every single day, no matter what day it is.
Valentine’s day is every day, whether you have a significant other or love yourself.
There is so much bullshit going on in the world beyond my heart. But I seriously can not help and feel like I’m losing my fucking mind because there is no off switch to my brain or way to erase who and what he was in my life. If I dare to erase that part of my life, even though it’s painful for me because my heart still loves very blindly, this type has taught me that I’m hell-strong and I was blessed to find my person and enjoy moments that no matter who might be crazy enough to step up and do better. It won’t happen. I firmly believe in people having one chance to find their person. I found my person from the moment we locked eyes. We had terrific moments. Even though we shared a wonderful moment, that wasn’t enough for me to ask for what I thought was best for the person I was back then because, back then, I refused to rock the boat. After rocking the boat the way I did, I came to terms with the fact the person I chose to let go of my person. It was too late to get back to the person in life. What made this person my person was: He studied me and knew who I was before I could figure out who I was for myself. Our love was one of a kind in our book because everything happened so quickly, and the best part about it was that everything we were was like a great puzzle piece.
I don’t want to be stupid. For you to be successful, I have to have the strength to the door of feeling unwanted and under deserved just because my heart wants what it wants. My heart is clueless about the fact that no matter what the heart wants, it might not be what it needs. I might wish to him like a blood vessel that runs throughout my body for me to stay alive. The body has a way of breaking down, so we either get rid of what’s toxic or find different ways for the body to work without realizing something is missing.
Stupid, in love Hold on to a heart that doesn’t belong to me. They wondered why I couldn’t wash off the feelings that keep my heart alive, like when has to wash the dirt out of their hair.
Stupid in love and desperate for a heart transplant, I no longer feel I need someone who does not love me the way I deserve.
I know my following few lines will sound like a total contradiction because I’m asking for a transplant so I can stop loving, but in all honesty, I don’t regret it. Loving my person the way I love that person, I know that as long as I continue on this earth, I probably will never experience this type of love again, and I’m very blessed to have shared it with him. I regret that it took me this long to realize what love was and that he was my person.
Being someone’s person is knowing everything about that person. It is loving that person unconditionally and understanding that everything will be smooth sailing.
Being someone’s person is known as the good, the bad, and everything. The most important thing about being someone’s person knows that that person will make you the first and only priority part of being someone’s priority is being a friend to that person.
It’s okay to break, especially when we can find the strength to put ourselves together. Finding those pieces to rebuild who we are and a better version of who we would love to be.
If we break, we can show ourselves that we are humans and that our vulnerability shows us that we are not supposed to be statues that don’t fall apart. Falling apart is rule number one of life and living.
To stop loving him, I need to use my heartlessness and allow my mind to take over.
Even with all the mind power we Retain as humans, I can’t stop thinking about him and how much I could make things different between him and me by making a simple wish. Life is more complex, though.
You can’t make a wish, and you get what you want. As people, sometimes we don’t get what we want. We get what we need, and as much as I might wish to him, he might be the last thing I need.
Dragging myself so I can gather myself so can become whole again.
Feeling whole again is important because that means I can sit in my shit and forgive myself for those mistakes that have helped me become the person I am today.
Who I am is working on progress which is not scared to keep learning so that I may be better than yesterday.
I lost myself while trying to please everyone in my life or around my life.
The funny thing is that while I try to find myself again, I am losing the people I have spent years trying to please.
I’d rather have me thanpeople constantly waiting for me to please them instead of pleasing who I’m trying to become, who is grateful to be with herself.
I constantly complain about how tired I’m of someone’s afterthoughts. I just came to a realization, and the first thing that slapped me in the face was that I needed to stop playing the blame and own my shit. The shit I need to sit in; I become an afterthought to others because I have been an afterthought to people, in general, is a vital lesson. The lesson is one day could learn how to put myself first without the guilt I feel whenever I try to put myself first. Of course, what can I accept from other people if I am an afterthought to myself? I am no longer going to be an afterthought to myself.
I am a working progress. I am enough. I am putting all the love I would pour into others just because I matter. I matter because I’m human, and I can acknowledge the best version is not being perfect but being myself, including my flaws.
Home is comfy.` Home is safety. Home is love. Home understands that no matter how badly I could mess up, those arms will welcome me back and let me know everything will be okay. Home has never been perfect; home is what I have made it to be, and the main thing I have completed my home, home to be is something unstable because I love to push my boundaries. Still, even I can say I have gone too far with my limits; that’s why finding a place in what I call home is challenging. Places, people, and things have limitations, and we can push until we can’t push anymore, but there is no grant that we won’t be left alone because we took it upon ourselves to go overboard.
The moral of my story is I pushed until I could not push anymore, and now that I want to find my place at home, I don’t have one. Too much damage has been done, so the home I once knew of love is no longer love but a lot of what-ifs.
If we don’t want to lose what home is, we have to understand what home is and what home brings to our souls.
THE OLD SAYING HAS ALWAYS BEEN IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO DO ANYTHING WE WANT TO DO IN LIFE AS LONG AS WE HAVE THE DRIVE TO SEE IT THROUGH.
WHAT I’M ASKING IS, DOES THE SAME RULE APPLY WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE?
I’m STRONG, BELIEVE IN WRITING MY OWN RULES WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE WHAT MIGHT WORK FOR ME AND MY PERSON MIGHT NOT WORK FOR OTHERS.
NOT TWO PEOPLE ARE THE SAME, SO NOTHING IN LIFE SHOULD BE APPROACHED THE SAME WAY FOR THOSE TWO PEOPLE.
IF WE CAN SET OUR OWN RULES, WE CAN LEARN SO MUCH ABOUT OURSELVES AS INDIVIDUALS, AND IT CAN HELP US FIGURE OUT WHO WE ARE AS A COUPLE.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, IT WILL HELP US FIGURE OUT WHAT WE WANT FROM EACH OTHER AS A COUPLE.
A day full of anticipation. Nervous. Excitement but confusion because we need to think of anyone or anything else but the moment we shared. They might’ve been selfish on both parts, but it was something that needed to happen because we both had to become one, at least for that moment in time. The most devastating part for me was knowing and understanding that it was just a moment in time that we may not share again because of circumstances and in life. The most amazing part for me was he was always able to see me beyond the chair and make me feel like that woman that has nothing wrong with her beyond what the world tries to make her feel like about herself.
His actions speak louder than any words his mouth could ever talk to her. His actions mean more to her than anything else because, with his actions, the world doesn’t seem like such a horrible place.
I need my best friend because I am about to fall apart.
I want my best friend to catch me and drag me out of myself.
My best friend told me they would not let go no matter what life placed in our lives, So now I am sitting here unsure of myself.
The only thing I am sure of is missing my best friend like no other.
I knew the last time I heard their voice, it would probably be final. It was heartbreaking. I felt my heart shatter because I had this overwhelming feeling of disappointment in their voice as I said bye.
Every part of me knew I was doing wrong, but I also had a primary urge to say bye not only because of where I was in life but because I also needed to close that unfinished chapter we had.
We should never force pieces to fall into place. Pieces should fall into place naturally without someone forcing it. If we try to force pieces together, we tend to watch things fall apart faster. Knowing where and how to grab those pieces falling apart becomes challenging. As those pieces fall apart, we have to sit within ourselves to figure out how to piece those pieces together when we lack feeling complete.
Pride week is the celebration of equality, no judgment, and having the freedom to love whoever you desire to love.
Pride is about love, acceptance of who you are, and not being ashamed of who you choose to love because that’s not what the world expects you to love.
This world is full of ignorance, no matter how much time goes by and how much fighting we do for quality. We’re not always going to have the ability to change people’s opinions about how we love.
Who we love. and why we love them, but that should give us the strength to be prideful for what we stand for, which is equality and the same respect that everyone else deserves in the world beyond the ignorance of others.
Love has no limit. Love is unconditional. Love has no gender. Love has no color. Love has no boundaries.
Love is love no matter what sex you are or what color you are maybe. Love is about respect. Love is about strength. Love is about teaching. Love is about equality. Love is pride.
Happy Father’s Day to all the fantastic fathers worldwide and those wonderful mothers with no choice but to be both fathers and & mothers”s their children.
Any man can make a baby, but it takes a remarkable man to be your father. Just because you make one doesn’t make you one. You have to be there every day and every night and be what your father probably wasn’t for you for your child.
Father’s Day is funny because I have a Father, but people do not believe me just because of how I choose to express myself about the man that is my father. Not to mention, my mom has been the only person I’ve seen daily for 40 years.
For little girls to believe that no matter what, we’re going to be daddy’s little girls forever might be true for some girls but for me, it’s a different story.
My story is simple my dad was around for a while, then he just disappeared before I could even feel like a daddy’s girl.
I will not discredit him from being my father because that’s what he is, but I was never daddy’s little girl. But, still, I’m not going to blame him either for that because now that I’m older, I understand that you learn from what you see, and if you don’t have a father figure in your own life, how can your father your child if you we’re not fathered yourself.
I can’t be mad at him because I don’t know his upbringing or what he is like as a father figure. But, on the other hand, I am angry because instead of stopping the cycle, so probably starting it with him, he chose to keep the process going by not being a full-time dad and watching his children grow up and love him like all fathers should be loved.
If we can wrong our rights, do it.
If we can say I love you to someone we haven’t said today, let’s do it. No matter how we might feel about that person deserves to know that you love them. Whether they give it back to you is a different story. As long as you do your part and tell them that you love them, that’s all that matters.
No matter what, I love my dad because, without him, I would’ve never been brought into this world, And for that, I honor him.
He probably wasn’t the ideal father I would’ve chosen for myself, but as the world says, you can select the people that will be your family or be a part of it. So overall, he is my dad because he deserves to be acknowledged today and every day. After all, he’s my father.
I’m not speaking from a mother’s perspective but a daughter’s perspective; why do mothers only deserve one day to be honored or celebrated.
Mothers deserve more than one day to be kept and shown how much they are loved because to be a mother, women have to learn how to be selfish and put a human life inside of them for nine months first, for now, and forever.
Being a mother to a bit of a human being is a 24-hour job with no vacation time and no sick time, and we have to find a way to squeeze in some self-care time for ourselves after a tiny human comes into the world.
The minute women find out they’re expecting; we learn how to become overprotective even before entering this world.
We want to protect them and make sure they feel loved and wanted even while they grow inside us and make us feel different feelings and take over our bodies, but it’s so rewarding to know that we have a human heartbeat next to ours.
Mothers should be honored every day because a mother is a gift that is never replaced no matter. But unfortunately, my mother and I have a relationship out of the movies; we don’t know if we are coming. So, we have to fix our shit because she needs to be proud of whom she raised as a person.
The heartbeat inside me made me realize you were more accurate than anything else.
You had no name, but I knew you were real because your heartbeat was right underneath mine.
If I could be honest, I was freaked out but also excited. I could not wait any longer to meet you and see who you would take after your dad or me.
As this unknown person keeps taking over my body, I can’t help but think about why I was so lucky that this person chose me to be a mother and nurtured them with all the love in my heart.
Many people wait for years or never get the opportunity to feel another human life coming out of their bodies.
The fact that God has blessed me with an opportunity to have someone who looks like me is something I will be grateful for.
I stab myself every day with the reminder of not having you a part of my life.
What I saw as a simple mistake was life-changing for all of us because as I sit here today, I always go back and what if in every situation I go through every day.
There is one thing I am sure of the life-changing situation that would’ve never happened; we would’ve lived happily ever after.
Of course not perfect to me because every road is rocky, but even if it had been rocky, we would’ve been solid because we would have been fighting for ourselves.
I am single. I’m unavailable to the world because I am getting to know who I am without the definition of someone else.
I’m Single because I need to put myself back together to be whole for myself.
I’m single because I want to see what someone can bring to the table before I leave my card out on the table. It’s no longer going to be 50-50. It’s going to be 100, 100. We should both give the best of each other to each other.
I am single because I choose to be alone. Everyone’s always afraid to be alone, and I’m not because being alone has allowed me to see what type of woman I am and what I’m capable of when I don’t have somebody holding me down.
Single life can be the best time in anyone’s life because this is the one time we get to Discover. Who we are. and the things that we want for ourselves? Before we commit ourselves to someone who truly has no idea of what we want or what we are looking for because we have not even taken the time to figure out what we want or what we’re looking for when it comes to a partnership.
I want to believe that I’m using this time wisely, and what I mean by that is I am in a place where I can say I’m strong like myself every day. I discover something new about myself every day; I challenge myself by doing something different or being more open-minded about certain things that I would never be open-minded about.
One of the most important things I’m learning about myself through this self-discovery is that I’m more than capable of taking care of myself. As I said, I might not be a millionaire, but I can manage myself and manage whatever comes my way because I am strong, I am wise beyond my years, and it’s OK not to have an OK when I feel like the world is caving in on me.
As long as I’m strong enough to come back and face the world in the world is ready for me, I’m good to go. I never knew how strong I was until I had to be. If it wasn’t for my faith-testing me every day and showing me that I could get through anything as long as I believed and put my trust in him.
Thank you for testing my faith and giving me my confidence in myself, and then you support me through anything that seems like the impossible thing to get through.
I am not going to play the blame for the way I feel about the way I think of myself as a woman.
No one has ever obliged me to do or stay in a place I do not want.
All my choices for myself have always been in mind, body, and soul.
If I continue to make the same mistake or relapsing is not because I care about who likes me.
Chapter 40 is about loving who I am and realizing that I’m not going to be perfect, but I will keep becoming a better person no matter how many times I fall off because I will always be strong enough to get back up.
I feel worthless not because anyone has made me feel that way but because I have been allowed to be in a place useless people never seem to leave.
This message is for the whole world. If we allow others to make us feel useless, we will enable them to.
If we no longer want to feel useless, we need to stop giving up or power away.
I have so many people in my life. I had hurt those who genuinely tried loving me for me when I had the strength to be the real me. I could honestly say no one knew when I was trying to be the real me because I developed such a lair reputation that made it difficult for anyone to trust me.
Now that I have this time of reflection, I can’t help but think how fuck up I am as a person because I was able to lie, feeling no kind of remorse about who I was hurting.
Even though I felt no remorse at the time, I was hurting myself at the time for not allowing myself to be my authentic self. After all, I always thought that people would not like my authentic self because I have struggled to like myself.
So I would project my dislike about myself onto others, not understanding that the only thing they were trying to do was love me if I gave them a chance.
I could be sorry until I am blue in the face; that doesn’t mean that anyone should forgive what it does mean when someone is being honest with you, you should give it right back.
Reflection time has left me wondering what if and wishing I could go back to that one true love.
If you try to change for someone, they are not genuinely excepting you for who you are.
Yes, compromise is a big thing in relationships, but you should not change your whole existence for someone is not trying to see beyond those flaws.
They’re so focused on changing who you can fit into the mold of who you should be with them.
I believe anytime we try to fit anyone’s perfect mold, one of the most critical questions we should ask ourselves is how important it is for us to work in that ideal mold?
When we get into relationships as women, we would love to believe that love should be enough to survive, and maybe for some women, it is.
Many of us, though, want more than just love; we want that partner that we can communicate with without judgment or fear of not being heard.
I always believe that if we get close to having the perfect relationship, we should make it happen with someone who can quickly become or, alright, our best friend.
Making or having that best friend makes it pretty easy to become vulnerable with that person because, as women, there is nothing we would not be willing to share with our best friends.
Having a best friend becomes our forever helps us avoid the awkward moments of building relationships with people who might not be our best friends.
When we can find our best friend, we find our life partners that we can see more than just a simple friendship. But, to build something solid, we must understand what we need from each other and know that we are coming into this relationship as two wholes that are coming together as one.
I thought we were going to be forever because that’s what my heart desired was my forever, but you just became a moment in time.
A moment in time pushed me to learn survival skills and learn about who I was and who I did not want to be.
I was trying to be everything, and I was failing myself in the process. Failure is not someone I’m used to being because of put so much pressure on myself to be perfect.
The pressure of being perfect made my forever impossible because I had no idea that you didn’t want perfect you just wanted me. In all honesty, I had no clue how to give you all of me when I had no idea who I was and what I expected from me to give to you.
Happy Galentine day to all my beautiful single ladies. I’ve always been a firm believer in only using a particular day or a memorable holiday to say I love you to someone.
We have had a crazy three years with Covid, and we should not use a day late Valentine’s Day to say I love you to someone. Instead, we should say I love you as much as a heart’s desire to say I love you.
Love is a fantastic process, but it’s hard work, and part of the process of love is knowing the first person you must love is yourself because if you don’t love yourself or you don’t attempt to love yourself, how are you going to share your heart with anyone else.
Being on this new journey of learning how to love myself even on my worst days, I am learning that I should build the best relationship I can with myself, and the only way I can do that is by giving myself self-care and self-love.
One of the things I’m in the process of dating is myself and spending time with myself getting to know myself in ways I never thought about getting to know myself.
Not everyone is perfect; people should not strive to be perfect. After all, when we strive to be perfect, that’s when things tend to fall apart.
In reality, no one’s perfect if I have learned anything at the beginning of this journey is that I have to love myself with all my flaws and realize said I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea.
Still, I am damn sure my favorite cup of tea because I’m not trying to fit that mole of being perfect and being untouchable that’s just not me.
I’ve made my mistakes; I’m learning to hold myself accountable. But, unfortunately, I’m also allowing other people to hold me responsible for my shit.
The amazing thing about love that is apart is forgiveness, and before anyone can forgive me for my shit, I have to forgive myself for my shit.
If I can’t forgive myself, how can I expect anyone to forgive me for any wrongdoing I’ve done? But, I’ll continue to do it because, throughout this journey, I realize I’m going to have minor slip-ups here and there.
I’m not going to be completely cured of the bitch said I was born to be, but at least I know the roots of my wrongdoings. So I can acknowledge that is nothing wrong with asking or admitting that you might need outside help once you can recognize that you open up a whole new world for yourself, and I believe that’s what I’ve done.
Nobody wants to be alone, especially not on Valentine’s Day, but if I think about it, I’m not alone because I have always had myself and the love of those who genuinely love me.
I felt that having someone was enough or sometimes wasn’t enough for me. I just never treated myself with love and respect as I am trying to work on myself right now—happy Galentine’s day to all, my beautiful ladies and couples around the world.
If I am incomplete as a woman to myself, how can I pretend to be whole to the rest of the world? I can’t be a complete woman for the world and part of it.
Taking accountability for not knowing who I am or what I am looking for as a person or woman makes me incomplete. When I understand who I am, I can understand the type of woman I want to be for myself.
I can’t just say that I need to take accountability for my mistakes or me not feeling complete as a woman.
The only way I can accept accountability for anything I found in my life Or anything I’ve done to others who have not deserved my bad behavior.
If I can be honest with myself and say and admit to myself that I was in the wrong, I need help figure out why I would behave the way I act towards myself and others trying to be there.
The only thing that comes to my mind when I begin to think about my behavior is my acting out towards everyone who has tried to make it into something that I don’t want to be or never allowing me to find who I am as a person.
Love is not always what we are subject to when watching a love story in a movie.
Love is about knowing who you are as a person and how you are in love with yourself. Every day, you allow yourself to discover something new who you are.
Love is a feeling that many of us go blind because love has a bad habit of becoming a blindfold.
Love teaches us to work with who we are as a person and with someone else being a part of our lives.
Love is also about sacrifice, but we should sacrifice the things that make us who we are as individuals, like our belief system or change who we are to accommodate someone else.
Love is hard work, but that begins with oneself before we dare to say I love you, someone, other than yourself.
Loving me is loving all my imperfections and my flaws.
It’s been two years since the last time we said goodbye I have no idea what to say or how to feel that you don’t already know or haven’t seen for yourself since you’ve left us.
Two years and it seems like it was yesterday that everyone that you ever loved or ever touched in the special he was there saying their goodbyes and me whispering, I love you hoping that you would’ve heard those words coming from me.
I needed you to listen to those words coming from my mouth because I didn’t want you to feel like you were alone.
As your body was getting ready to leave the physical world, my only concern was letting you know how much I loved you and how much I was going to miss you.
I know you have no choice in how or when you decide to leave us.
But, still, I do want you to know something our lives will never be the same because you were the glue that held a lot of us together.
Now that we no longer have you, it feels like it’s time we fall apart because you were. I will comment denominator, but now we don’t have a common denominator that was you.
Two years and I’m still wondering if that hole that you left in my mother’s heart will ever be filled again, and will she ever be the same person she was before you left.
She puts on a brave face because that’s all she’s knows because she refuses to show pain.
What can I tell you about myself in the past two years that you haven’t been here? My personal life is a hot mess, but knowing you would smile and giggle and tell me when you will get a boyfriend.
As you laugh, my only response would be Guy, way too much trouble; I’d rather be alone, and Knowing you, you would have agreed with me and told me not to waste my time to focus on walking.
Of course, I will smile back and say I will, and you were Giggle.
My personal life is not something to be spoken for.
But, still, everything else that I wanted to do as far as blogging YouTube being it’s going pretty well, and I’m proud of myself, and I know you would be proud of me too because I’m finally doing something for me I wish you were around to see it all.
I miss you every day, every hour, every minute. I no longer know how to say I miss you.
This-where I am mental; this is everything I feel when I hear the rest of the world laughing and talking.
I want to scream to the rest of the world what about me, but then I think to myself, what the point of screaming it out to the world is?
What about me if I’ve never felt like I had anything good to offer anyone, just my nasty attitude and my way of pushing people away.
I can’t, or I shouldn’t scream.
What about me if I don’t allow anyone to get to know me or listen to me when I need someone to listen to me.
I can’t complain about feeling abandoned when I have emotionally left by cutting myself off from people and family.
My main excuse for cutting people off emotionally has always been that no one understands me or hears me when I try to save something; it might not be necessary to them.
But, still, it’s important to me because it’s whatever I’m feeling or whatever I’m going through that needs to be said.
The feeling of rejection or just being turned away is overwhelming to me.
So that’s why I have emotionally cut myself off from tagging myself to anyone because I don’t want anyone to let me down emotionally.
I cannot emotionally keep abusing myself and blaming it on others and, in the same breath, reach out to the public.
For the public to be primarily connected, they must be at its transparent as possible and be willing to open the door to the hearts.
When I can’t do the same for myself, I can’t open the door and enable people to see me.
I can’t continue to preach to the public about being fearless when I am afraid of being bold about who I am and what I’m feeling, and the things I might be going through emotionally.
Since I turn 40 years old, I’ve been screaming from the top of my lungs this is the newest chapter of my life, but I’ve realized the only way this will be the latest chapter of my life is if I practice what I preach.
If I don’t follow through with what I preach to others, then chapter 40 it’s just like the rest of my life. It’s a circle did never ends.
But I am choosing today to make the circle, and because today, I’m choosing to stop abusing myself emotionally, and I’m going to be more open to the possibility of allowing the public to see me.
So that’s what this whole blogging journey has been about people seeing me.
I wouldn’t say I like the fact that he lives in me.
I have yet to learn how to let go without falling to pieces.
Falling into pieces because my heart is twisted into his, my biggest fear is no longer connected to him.
Everyone is looking for some connection that you can’t explain with words. We have to live through emotion to understand my fear and relationship.
It’s incredible to feel like myself and be myself even when I try my hardest to go against everything, I feel within myself.
He has the key to making me feel alive, but then again, he has the strength to pull me apart. No one should have that much power, but he does because my heart is stupid in love.
When our heart becomes ridiculous in love, it’s difficult to see the truth even when the truth is slapping you right back, trying to make you react.
Why can’t we be stupid in love with ourselves just like we can be stupid in love with someone who has told us I am in love with you?
Dear self you’re so good at giving everyone advice, but I don’t understand why it isn’t easy to take your advice.
You know how to uplift the world with all your positive thinking positive words, but who is there to inspire you when you need uplifting no one because you make it seem like you have all together on the outside but, you know, on the inside, you live in a hot mess.
Don’t be afraid to show yourself the same tough love that you give to everyone that comes to you with the need of Tough love. But, if you’re going to be a preacher about self-love and tough -love, you have to be able to do it for yourself.
Figure out why you cannot love yourself the way you show the world that you love yourself; what is it about yourself that you believe you’re not worthy of love yourself. Of course, you are worthy of loving yourself, but you have to figure that out for yourself; no one can tell you or show you how to love you as well it’s a process that you have to figure out for yourself and do for yourself.
I guess it’s true what they say I deafly have to fake it before I can make it, so I still have to show that I’m strong and that I love myself until I finally get to the point where I can honestly be honest with myself and say that I love myself.
Loving myself is letting go of all the negativity that holds me back from loving myself honestly the way I deserve to be loved and understanding that I can’t find true love in anyone else but myself.
I need to have this conversation because if I don’t, I will continue to feel like I’m losing my mind.
This conversation should’ve happened years ago, but it’s better late than never. I guess I love someone who doesn’t love me.
Even though I know and I’ve heard that he no longer loves me, I still hold out hope that one-day things will turn around, but the reality is that will never happen.
It will never happen because of my childish mistake of not speaking and not long other to know how I was feeling or what I was missing, what I needed for that matter.
We had our chance to build our life together to build our futures as one. Still, I threw it all away without a second thought, so how dare I now, after so many years, ask for a chance I know I don’t deserve because I threw it away when I had it.
Now that I don’t have it, I know I don’t deserve it as Contradiction as that sounds it’s the truth in my heart of hearts; I know I don’t deserve that chance because not only did I embarrass myself, I destroyed us what should’ve been us forever.
Even though I’ve come to terms with the fact that we will never be the heart wants what it wants, and that’s what I struggle with is my heart.
My heart is still in twine into his because he feels like the home he knows me I can finish my sentence. He knows how I think before I know how I feel.
I know and understand that by everything I’m putting down on this piece of paper, people might think or feel like I don’t love myself because I’m holding on to someone who doesn’t love me the same way I love them. But I do love myself because I do comprehend that he will never love me the way that I love him.
I also understand that I deserve better and that I should let him go because I deserve happiness, and I will never get true happiness if I hold on to something that is not worthy of me.
Understanding all the things that I know, how can I still hold on to him if my life depended on him. In all honesty, I believe there’s something much more substantial than him and I that wall letting us part ways from each other or let me speak for myself won’t allow me to part ways from him; I have no clue what that might be.
It’s your birthday today. I know would like to be wishing you a happy birthday
It’s been three years since you’ve been gone, and it has not gotten way easier to deal with you not being here.
Happy birthday. Thousand times over, happy birthday, I miss you like crazy one of my many wishes for you would be happiness and more love than you can handle.
I want to be selfish and have God grant me a wish of hearing your voice one last time, or I wish God could allow me to wish you a happy birthday in person.
I never saw you crumble; I never saw you come loose or lose it.
All I ever saw was a smiling face and a heart bigger than anyone could handle.
Some days are more complex than others, but the way I managed to get those harrowing days is by looking at pictures that you and I would constantly exchange every chance we would have to speak.
A simple picture does not do it; you should be here celebrating another year of life with everyone that loves you. But, instead, I had to light a candle and scream happy birthday, hoping that you would hear me.
I’m angry that you are not here.
I’m angry that I could not call you at midnight.
I’m angry that God blessed me with the chance to see my 40th, but it was super easy to rob someone more deserving than myself away from that opportunity of hitting such a milestone.
I know if you are not in the physical world with all of us. Heaven will be the place to celebrate one of God’s top angels. So all I can ask for is that you do it big.
While we are resting, hold on to your memories and love. Happy Birthday, Big Head. Miss you so much
Teachable moments happen every day, and it’s up to us if we accept them at teachable moments in our lives.
Life is full of teachable lessons, and it’s up to us what we take away from those lessons that life is trying to teach us.
For example, one of the biggest lessons that life teaches us is that not everyone is perfect imperfection is what makes people.
It makes us different from each other and makes us accept our differences to love each other and learn from each other.
One of the most important lessons life can teach all of us is that we can learn from each other and each other’s mistakes and grow and make sure that whatever we learn from each other, we continue to pass it on as knowledge to others.
Another lesson Life has educated me is that love is about pain and growth because we almost go through some discomfort when it comes to love to grow as a person and grow as a unit.
Love is also about making mistakes and learning how to forgive, not forget, but we will use love’s pain as educated moments in life and make sure we don’t make the same mistake twice.
The tricky part about saying I’m sorry is that many people use it as a Band-Aid to cover off their mistakes, and once the Band-Aid is ripped off, the error repeats itself.
If people value the word, I’m sorry, people will never commit to making the same mistake repeatedly, but it uses it as a tool for growth and education.
It’s more about how I feel when I don’t talk to him.
I couldn’t even imagine not speaking to him for as long as we did not. I guess what made it a little easier when we were not talking was that we were heavily involved in different relationships, and I wanted to move forward with my life. Even though I knew that I could never be with anyone else, that was not him.
Anyone asks me if I have a legit reason to stay away from him, my answer would have been yes, but I don’t because my heart would no longer beat if he weren’t around.
Despite all our back and forth, I can’t, or should I say, I don’t want to see myself doing life without him for two reasons I feel at home when he’s around.
He can finish my thoughts without me speaking to him, and everyone in the world looks for someone who can look at the other person know what the other person is thinking or feeling without saying, and that’s what I have with him.
He is everything I wanted, but I’m a grown-ass woman, and I have to take responsibility for why he and I are no longer together.
I always knew how to a bottle of my feelings. Then exploded with no return, and that’s what happened to me.
I could never be as transparent with him as I am today. I was scared of losing him, so I just kept playing as superwoman while on the inside; I was dying, and I was falling apart, but I couldn’t share it with my partner because I didn’t want to seem weak, incapable of being with him.
So I kept my feelings and my emotions to myself. Until the disastrous nightmare of me exploring, I was finally letting everything out.
It wasn’t the right time or the right place, but I didn’t know how to contain myself anymore.
That was going to be someone that I would spend the rest of my life with and that I was going to build a family, but I couldn’t tell him all I felt until I exploded.
I can imagine people reading this would be so confused about building a family with whom I couldn’t communicate my feelings.
Still, I’ve always been the type of person never to share my feelings or thoughts because I’ve always felt that no one is interested in knowing how I think, so whatever I might be going through, I keep it to myself.
I know my last statement will confuse the shit out of people because how could I not speak my feelings verbally, but I could write my feelings out on a public blog site with no problems, no fear of judgment.
My life has always been filled with contradictions, and I guess this is one of them because I don’t want to bother people with my feelings, but I don’t mind sharing my thoughts on a public blogs site.
Where strangers judge me on everything that comes out of my mouth because it’s not always perfect, but my feelings are shared.
One mistake changes my life for the rest of my life. My life has never been the same because I’ve never allowed myself to feel what I feel for him for anybody else. After all, he means that much to me.
I prayed that one day he would come back into my life and forgive me but never forget what I did, and in some way, we could start from scratch because that’s something my heart always desired.
My prayer came accurate after 15 years, but we haven’t started from scratch because his heart doesn’t want me. His soul belongs to someone else, and I’m not worthy of him forgiving me for what I did. But I also can’t keep punishing myself for something that happened 15 years ago every day, but he tells me he loves someone else. So it’s like punishing me because all I want to do is be with him no matter what he says.
I wish he could love me or at least allow us a second chance, but as I said in the previous lines before, I know I’m not worthy of him giving me a second look at me differently just because we’re older now.
Even though he doesn’t see the difference in me, I’ve been able to change because we can talk about things, and we have been able to be transparent as we want to be with each other without worrying about who’s feelings will get hurt.
Yes, I still have a mouth on me, and my mouth still finds ways of getting me in trouble, and it’s true that when it comes to change, I do it in my own time. But, if someone else wants me to do it, I feel prepared to make those changes for myself and not anybody else.
I breathe to stay alive. Every breath I take comes with unbearable pain, not only because my body is breaking down but also because I’m broken.
I am trying to piece myself together to become one again or at least feel like I can be one again when that time comes for me to be one.
I breathe to stay alive, but I also live because of him. I come first, of course, but something about him makes me want to take that first breath in the morning. Even if later on, I’m asking myself why I am doing this myself when I know what I know When it comes to him.
I need to love myself a little bit more. But, I can only do that by realizing that I need to let him go as much as I love him.
I’ve always been scared to let him go because he’s such a big part of my heart, but now I understand that for me to love myself, I have to be able to say goodbye now because I want to but because I have to. I have to find myself without him even though I know how my life is without him, but I can’t keep holding on to all of that doesn’t want me just because I like it.
Love is strength.
Loves is faith.
Love is loving yourself and understanding; that no one can give me my worth.
Love you telling the truth even when you don’t want to hear it.
Love is loving the imperfections we all have and not trying to change who we are just because love is in the air.
When will love not that your door is full of pain and magic?
If you can’t feel pain, that means you have not experienced real love. The love with pain is worth it because it’s awful beautiful, magical, incredible root word rewarding when we can find the one. It
Being the one is being the one you can’t live without.
Being the one, you can’t breathe without.
Being the one is knowing that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with that one. You’re ready to wake up every morning to the same face as long as both of you have a love for each other.
Being the one is being strong, knowing that not everything will be perfect, but it’s going to be accurate, and we’re going through it together.
You are theone who’s been willing to know that everyone comes with imperfections and does not mean rejection. What it means is acceptance for precisely who you are and what you are.
It is being the one who understands that everyone is going to have an opinion.
Being the one is having the strength within yourself to know and understand the love has its ups and downs, but through the rough water’s that any relationship goes through, both parties should not have the ability to walk away until everything is a workout. So we end up saying, I love you.
Writing has always been therapeutic because I can talk myself through my words, feelings, and emotions.
There’s another way I’ve been able to find myself, and that’s being transparent with my heart and what that means is acknowledging the fact that the reason I am in the headspace that I’m in is that I am a serious fuck up.
It’s taken me a long time to realize that I should’ve cherished everything I had instead of throwing it away like I did not mean anything when it meant the world to me. But, of course, when I would say that it meant the world to me, I had no idea how much it would mean until it was no longer a part of me. I’ve always asked one man to know they had a good when it’s gone, and I think now I understand more.
I am a woman who struggles to admit her wrongs, but it’s better late than never, even though I can’t look back to Right wrongs.
I did do something that I could never come back from.
I shouldn’t be able to come back because I don’t deserve it. When I had it, I had no idea how to cherish it and make it my priority—so living the rest of my life alone but coming to terms with the fact that no one should ever bottle up your feelings It’s something that I took away from that situation.
I am a woman who has to learn that it’s OK to be vulnerable.
As long as you’re weak with the right person, I should never allow my feelings to eat away at me or assume that people will guess how I’m feeling just by looking at me or staring at me; life doesn’t work that way.
If I don’t try to speak up or speak my mind, nothing will get resolved. Something I learned is that I should never ask for something that I was not prepared to deal.
Yes True that people say things out of anger but in the long run, that anger could come back and haunt you for the rest of your life because you know you made a mistake that you can’t fix even though you’re desperate to fix it.
So ask for what you want to leave the things you don’t wish to alone because you might find this of always asking yourself why?
Self-love is essential because the only way we can learn about self-respect.
Rejection is a part of life, and as people, we have choices; one of the choices we have is to take the rejection for what it is and not do anything but continue to feel like a rejection.
Or use the worse feeling ever in the world and turn it into a positive note.
Positive means that everyone does fall it is about how we choose to pick ourselves back and make decisions for ourselves.
Throughout my journey of finding out who I am as a single person, I realize that I’m better off alone than with someone who will break me down with their negative.
I also have to own for never learning about letting go of wanting to let go. Sometimes is more a lot for others to let go of than it is for me. I have no clue why it’s so tricky to let go when I feel like people have no problem throwing me away as trash.
Letting go is difficult but not feeling worthy is more debilitating to my soul.
I have no clue why I decided on 11/16/21 to write him a love letter, but I am guessing there is no wrong time to write a letter to someone you saw forever.
Love hurts like hell because you have the strength in oneself to open your heart up and allow that other half in. But, unfortunately, everyone always speaks on the beautiful sides of love when it comes to love, but no one ever speaks on the struggles it is to get to those beautiful sides of love.
Everything that was once ugly can and will become beautiful because as long as we take it upon ourselves, nurture and give it everlasting love. When I think of love, I think of home.
He was able to add things to my life that I did not have until he came long, such as believing in me and pushing me to heights. Falling in love was crazy because all I ever saw and was him. Every day we challenge ourselves and the relationship until one day, I took it too far to the point of no return. No return never meant I deserved it because everything changed in seconds of our lives, and when coming upon change, it should be for positivity, but the difference was far from positive.
It was life-changing in a sense; I was empty, and I hit some crazy bumps on looking for something I already had but had no idea what I had until he was gone. Things never made sense to me after he was because I never wanted to leave. When he left, I took a considerable part of who I was with him.
This letter is on how to destroy someone whose hearts I can’t take back in any way, but if someone could grant me my last wish, I would be so simple that it is a do-over, just that one nightmare. It’s been 14 to almost 15 years since the last time we were together as a couple, and I am still in love with him. But, I guess the most amazing part is that holding to this love seems to damage people, and it also makes me look like I am strong enough to let of a love that doesn’t want me the same but holding like if I could do better for when I know can.
Even though I can do better, I feel I am better because he could go through all the bullshit with him. I never had to speak because I always knew what I was thinking and feeling just by one look. While I was trying to be the perfect person for him, everything was falling apart around, and I could not stop. I understand if I allowed myself to be loved by just being myself, we would have gone the distance. If he asked me to be his wife, I would do it again without a second.
I‘m not worthy of him or him loving me, but I secretly pray for him to find someone to see him the way I see him and love him unconditionally because everyone is worthy of knowing that feeling.
I was lucky and blessed to experience our kind of love, the type of that that took me by surprise because we were going to be nothing but friends. Love surprised us and guided us through another pathway that only allowed us to see each other and no one else. The best part about the love we once shared was that I always knew he was my person.
Now that I no longer have you, I wish I could have used my time the right way. At this point, what would have been the right way to spend our time together. Time with you seemed like quicksand; it seemed like no matter how many memories you and I tried to build, time was against us.
I am missing you more every day. Wishing and hope we could have had more. I love you. More time to be your forever, and you be mine forever. Now what keeps me going is knowing that one day we will finally be each other forever.
My heart is in a million pieces, but it’s no one else fault but my own. I need to detach my heart from feeling anything that could be hurting me, like love is pulling me.
If people don’t allow themselves to go through pain, there is no growth within ourselves as humans.
Pain has been a part of me since birth, so people would think how much more pain I would need to continue growing within myself.
I would love to believe that my heart pain has taught me that I need to be selfish with myself and my time.
The pain teaches me how to have a better relationship before dreaming up any future relationship with anyone. The pain in my heart has also taught me how crazy strong I am to keep believing in love.
Keep love in my heart because if I don’t, that means in some ways I won’t love myself enough to know that most important person I must love myself.
I’ve always been the first to apologize for how my heart feels. But there’s nothing to apologize for this time around. My heart has always known whether I excepted or not where I would like to be, even though I have never come close to being there. I’m in love, and I fear being in love because there are two types of love you could be in love with the person; you could be in love with the idea of being in love with someone.
I’m someone who does not only want to be in love with the idea of being in love; most importantly, I deserve to be in love with someone.
So I sincerely hope that I’m not falling in love with the idea of being in love with someone hope and pray that I’m in love with the person and that the idea of being in love with someone.
Call me bipolar because my emotions have a way of going up and down, or sometimes I find ways of going back and forth on my feelings like a scared little girl. Yes, I am 40 years, but I have the right to be afraid because I have not had control of my emotions.
UPS AND DOWN EMOTIONS BACK FORTH LOVING HATING INCOMPLETE LONELY
IF THINGS MAKE ME BIPOLAR, THEN I HAVE BEEN BIPOLAR ALL MY LIFE, AND I AM GOING TO OWN IT. I HAVE MADE MISTAKES IN LIFE, AND I AM STILL A MAKING PROCESS WHICH I AM STILL GOING TO HAVE SOME BUMPS ON THE ROAD.
So I AM GOING TO EVER BE COOKIE-CUTTER PERFECT. I AM ALSO NOT GOING TO ALLOW ANYONE TO HOLD MY MISTAKES OVER MY HEAD.
I CARRY MY MISTAKES AND THE PAIN OF MY MISTAKES EVERY DAY.
THE ONLY THING I HAVE BEEN CONSTAN ON IS WHEN I CHOOSE TO LOVE, I LOVE HARD, AND I ALWAYS KNEW WHO I HAVE LOVED NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME HAS GONE BY. EVEN THOUGH WE BOTH LIVE SEPARATE LIVES.
It’s easier to give in to those things that come more accessible than work for the things we want. Personally feel that if we do not work for the things that we want those things that we want in our lives, we lose value because we didn’t do anything to give it worth for us to have. To give something we want value or worth, we must work it to the core and make sure that we pour everything within ourselves into the thing we want the most. So we may watch it grow and expand into something beautiful and something untouchable by others. If everything is handed to us, how will we ever learn the value of a genuine diamond when it’s given to us, and we have done nothing to earn it or cherish it.
I should not be just an option. I should be that first choice. I should be your first thought in the morning. I should add to your last thought of the day. I should see the reason why you decide to smile when you do smile. I should be the reason why you feel complete as a person. I should be the reason you understand the true meaning of love.
I should be for you all the things I should be for myself before I ask you to be any of those things for me.
She is trying to find the answers to many unanswered questions, but she doesn’t know where to begin or where it will end. She understands that heart Wants what it wants while everybody else is praying for her sanity and peace of mind.
Given the best of herself, it has made it quite challenging for her to see or feel like she could become whole again.
The secret for anyone to find answers to questions they feel they might never get the answers to it’s called soul-searching. We have to be willing to sit with ourselves in silence, listen to ourselves, and listen to our souls.
It’s a significant transition for me to think about these words when it comes to describing my relationship with my mom.
I can’t pinpoint what has made me feel these words come true honestly, and I’m grateful to know that it hasn’t been too late for us to learn how to explore our mother’s daughter’s friendship.
Our relationship has never been perfect; it’s been a relationship, but it’s been a difficult one because we both struggle to see each other and each other’s roles.
Having the ability to open up has allowed me to see the possibilities of a mother-and-daughter relationship. Not just a mother is her daughter’s caregiver, But a real mother-daughter relationship.
I wear many hats. I wear the hat of being a daughter. I wear the hat of being a sister. I wear the hat of being a granddaughter. I also wear the of being an auntie.
All the different hats have meant the world to me because I have learned so much about myself & the type of person I’m.
I am not disabled; I can do things differently. I am also a dreamer. I am a believer. I am optimistic. I have been a best friend. I’ve been a girlfriend. I have been a fiancé. I’ve been a wife. I’ve been a lover. I’ve been a mistress. I’ve also been an ex-wife.
No matter what label anyone in the world wants to see me under, I’ve always held my head up high because I have become a healthy person with each label I have come upon, and I have learned that I need to be so gullible. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I want to be a better version of myself for myself and no one else. I can become a better version of myself when I accept who I am and what I am despite what people think of me or feel about me. My past is just that, my history. So I refuse to live there, and I refuse society to put me there again because people can’t let go of who I was or what I was. I needed to create a pass to look towards my future, and my future is whatever I want it to be, not what anybody else sees it to be all wanted to be for me. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I spoke to you that morning that God decided to call you home.
No clue that would be our last conversation because God had plans for you that no longer had to do with the physical world.
Everyone is always prepared to live life, but no one ever prepares us for death or says goodbye to those we love & love us back.
Nowhere in my wildest dreams would I ever thought that the only way I could speak to you, through pen and paper. I can no longer call you or text you doing my little checks in with you and always ask when would you be able to bring me the boys who are now man.
You would laugh tell me they’re not little boys anymore; they were busy being out and about.
My reply to you would always be there, still going to be my babies, no matter how old they became in life.
The only thing that brings a little peace to my heart is that I got the opportunity to see you twice before being called home.
I had this running joke with you I would always say to you, I know I’m never going to see you unless I was off dying somewhere, and you would always reply, don’t say that; you know I love you, and I’ll see you soon.
The thought of not seeing you or not hearing from you again never crossed my mind because I know you were doing everything you could to take care of yourself.
Most importantly, you knew you have five young men that don’t need a mother and that she will never be replaced. You also understood that you meant a lot to your family and everyone you ever came in contact with.
You were more than just family to me; you were also a good friend, and I hope you could see me as a friend. Happy Birthday, Bighead Love You. P.S. It has not gotten any easier Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
A year has come and passed; it’s unbelievable that a year ago, we all surrounded your bed, hoping that you would give us a sign of hope that you would still be with us fighting to stay with us. A year ago today, my last words to you were I love you, and I pray that you were listening. I needed it so bad for you to jump up and respond to that I love you because I felt if you could do that, there was no way you could leave me. Love is strong love is not supposed to pull people apart; it’s supposed to keep us together, and as long as I kept telling you how much I love you, how would you possibly leave me and be content. I know and understand that your leaving us was out of your control; it was your time, and who are we to fight against time.
Yes, it would indeed be unfair to get mad with time because I feel like it took you too fast and way too soon. But, yes, you lived 89 years of life filled and struggled not to back.
Yet again, I am angry because you’re not here to make me smile with your silly stories about your upbringing as a young girl or how you would come out of the blue and ask me about my love life. I miss how you would laugh after hearing my response of I’m not checking for no man because they are just too much trouble, and I already have enough problems in my life.
You always made sure to tell me to find good men who Would be willing to love, respect, and take care of me. So my response to you was always; I’ll take care of myself the best I can because I have to learn to depend on myself and no one else.
I miss seeing you. I miss hearing your voice. I miss your big personality that would take over your room. I miss your smile. I miss having the ability to say I love you and hearing you say back. I know where ever you are in heaven, you are watching over me, and I hope that whatever it is that I’m showing you, you are still proud of me.
Matter how much time goes by, there will never be enough time to heal the hole in my heart because you are the one that holds the key to my incomplete heart.
P.S. I love you, and please keep giving us the strength to come to terms with the fact that our lives have never been the same since you left.
Instead of saying goodbye, I’m going. I love you because goodbye is final. I understand that I will never have to say goodbye as long as I keep you in my heart. I love you❤️ Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
No one ever has to agree on how I feel, but the way I feel is like I am just a painting on the wall that people have no other choice but to pass by on occasions when they need to go in a particular direction.
I am a painting that no one bothers to move or dust off to ensure that I continue to shine through.
I believe artwork in galleries gets more acknowledgment than I do.
I’m supposed to be a part of something. But, unfortunately, I’m not even close to feeling a part of anything or anyone.
No matter what to feel a part of something or someone has never worked.
I don’t know if it’s because I have not put my best foot forward to make things work or people see me as I see myself, and that is a straight Burden.
I wish I could share my feelings with the world to understand better what I’m doing wrong.
How in the right state of mind can I ever stop putting my heart on paper when I know the form is the only thing that allows me to be me without judgment or resentment for what I speak.
I enjoy fighting because that’s the only thing they give me a piece of mine, somewhere I can remove everything that I hold in.
After all, no one Is listening, but this piece of paper is in front of me.
When I put tons of writing, I never think of fame or fortune; I can write.
I’ve always written because I’ve ever had something to say in the best way to express myself in actual words that I can put on paper. When I begin writing, I just did it. People just came naturally to me, and I couldn’t see myself doing anything else but that writing.
Now that I’m older, I was hoping that my hand could help someone else and show them that just because I have a disability Does not mean I don’t have issues like everyone else. I have good relationships, bad relationships, and obstacles that most people don’t have to overcome.
Having a public play form to share some of my stories with people; would give people a better understanding that someone like me is just like them.
I don’t have many obstacles to overcome the many others don’t have to think twice about it because it becomes easy for them, and before plant planning to go anywhere, I have to plan to make sure that everything I need is going to be in place for when I need it.
A romantic relationship with someone has its ups and downs, just like any other person who is not physically challenged like me. One of the biggest questions I have to ask myself when I find myself in a relationship is this person here for me, or is it just a curiosity thing For that person. The question I have for myself does this person see me before you saw the chair. I have to concern myself with this person here for me, or just out of pity Something many people don’t have to think about it. But, still, I didn’t because I have a disability that built up all these questions for everyone who comes into my life, and I plan to share my experience.
Trigger words for me are: You are starting to feel heavy. You are fat. You need to talk to someone who can help you.
These are all the things that put me in a lousy headspace because it’s a constant reminder of how little I can do for myself, and no matter how much control I would love to have over my body, I am demanding because of this damn disability.
I’ve always struggled with control because I’ve always wanted control over myself, but I don’t have control over many things that I have to do with me because of my circumstances.
So the only thing I have control over was the food that I put in my mouth and food I’ve never had; another will never have a good relationship.
Food and I have a tolerating relationship because I need food to survive, and I struggle to enjoy food because food makes me feel ugly and unwanted?
Food also leaves the door open for people to make comments that get to me like I’m fat, I’m chubby.
It isn’t easy to move me from place to place food is always a nightmare come true that I wish I can wake up from, but I’m not able to do that because food is not my body’s best friend.
Food is like a battlefield feel field with enemy lines trying against me and not for me, and I have no clue how to fight those enemy lines between me and food.
I don’t want anyone reading this to think or feel that I don’t love myself just the way I am because I do.
I have an internal struggle with myself: I don’t have control over everything in my everyday life. For example, I always felt like I handled food until I was spinning out of control, and I had no idea how to get back to a positive road.
I have found a way to get back onto the positive road, but I’m not going to lie; the internal struggle is 100% real and unbelievable sometimes. I know for me, I can’t allow anyone to get into my head for me to be able to beat my internal struggles.
God, please wrap your arms around her and let her know that she’s not alone.
God, I’m asking you from the bottom of my heart, please shield her from her gloomy thoughts. Prove to her that you’re listening to her even when she’s crying.
Of course, the more time she loses faith in herself, she’s going to lose faith in you. But, still, you are the only one that can show her that losing faith in you is the worst thing anyone can do because you always put us on this earth with a purpose even though we may never know what the goal is but there’s a purpose to why everyone is here or the people we end up.
She believes that you have placed her on this earth to suffer nothing more, nothing less, but I know differently, and I also know she has to hit rock bottom and stop questioning your actions so she can get what she deserves better yet what she needs and not what she wants. God doesn’t leave her, so she doesn’t let herself go in your name. I pray, amen. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
I’m smiling because I refuse to show anyone my sadness to anyone. I smile because I’m tired of crying. I smile when the thought of him comes into my mind, but I can’t help and be angry at myself because I have many unanswered questions. What Happened? Why did he choose to go M.I.A? I don’t want things like they use to be because I know we can’t relive what used to be. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
The pink ribbon is a representation of the battle. That many women face today doesn’t matter the age, race, or where we come from, it’s just something that happens.
Sometimes we don’t even have time to wonder why it happens.
We know it’s a part of our bodies, and we must fight it with all we have, including the mental strength it takes to battle breast cancer.
Pink ribbon 🎀 means Strength Powerful Life Living Faith
A woman’s breast doesn’t make her a woman. Instead, it’s the strength that she carries within herself to fight to live. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
He pushed her into someone else arms. She finds those things that never came through him but someone else. She finds that laughter that she never thought she could ever get back. She finds the peace that she would ask for every day. She finds it more comfortable to breathe because she no longer has to feel the weight of someone else for the first time in her life. She has also felt comfortable enough to be herself with herself. She finds that safety blanket. Most importantly, she finds a friend. Even though everything she was able to find never replaced who she wanted those things.
I’m alone in more than one. I’m alone in the sense that I feel crazy trapped in my feels. Anytime I open up my mouth, it turns into a battlefield of everything that comes out of my mouth. I’m alone even though I come from a large and what is supposed to be a caring family. I feel the only time they care is when they want to point out my mistakes or stick their nose where it doesn’t belong, making me feel incapable of thinking for myself. I’m alone because no one has bothered to know me with all my flaws and still find it within themselves to say I love you. I understand for anyone to know I have to be transparent with me, but at this point, I’m like, for what, it’s a little too late. There was this one person I thought I could trust because the conversations were so easy flowing that I became so blinded with trust. But, once again, I was proving I can’t and shouldn’t trust even my damn shadow. I’m alone, and sometimes I wish I was not because the bag of loneliness gets too heavy for me to carry.
Besides all the pain that my heart is feeling, I feel more alone with each day that keeps passing me by.
I am trapped in a place that has never felt like home to me because I am not myself and, I feel the need to be withdrawn from those who think to may know me.
I have no clue who I am. After all, I believe there are days I don’t even know myself because I have so many different struggles; it’s become harder to keep up with everyone and every battle.
My struggle is not everyone else’s struggle, but there are times I wish they could be so people could better understand me and give a moment of weakness without asking me and looking at me like an I should never have another weak moment in my life.
My struggles are and overlooked every day of my life and, they are I constantly struggle to be happy, so no one has the chance to ask me anything about looking sad or just not feeling a part of them.
The biggest struggle of them all is being stuck in a body that I hate. I wish for a different body every day of my life.
This body has been my prison for the last 30 years of my life because I depended on someone every day.
I know I should be grateful that I am alive even though I have been placed on living the rest of my life in a wheelchair, and, honestly, I am thankful and very thankful I am alive because I have a brain that works very well.
My brain has the power that my legs will never have.
The biggest struggle I carry within me is seeing a prominent person who should not be around other humans who do not look at me every time I see myself in a mirror.
Whenever I see myself, I see a big girl who will never be except for how long I stave myself; I will never be perfect.
If I am not perfect, no one is ever going to love me. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
It’s natural to break someone’s heart. The challenging part of dealing with someone who has been torn apart is knowing that you were The Who broke it. I’m left wondering how I can make him whole again when I’m still struggling with putting myself back together because if he wants to take any responsibility for anything, I’m broken too. I broke us by not being able to be transparent with him. Being transparent means being vulnerable, and I hate being seen as a weak person; I have always been the one to protect my heart from any harm because no one knows better what my heart needs but for me. I know honesty is the main focus of any relationship. I have always felt the absolute need for anyone to know about our past. My past defined if we would be in a relationship. I don’t believe it would have, but I will never know because I could not and did not want to be that open book he wanted me to be. I wanted to focus on the now and not the past. I lied because I felt the need to protect myself. By lying, I broke him, and I broke whatever future we could have. I hope that he can be whole again with this time apart because no one deserves to be broke but love.
TODAY IS ABOUT LOVE, BUT IN THE FORM OF A BUTTERFLY, THE BUTTERFLY IS A BEAUTIFUL CREATURE OF GOD BEYOND MEASURE. SO LIGHT, GENTLE, AND THE WAY SHE SPREADS HER WINGS FLYING IS THE TRUE BEAUTY.
THE Multiple COLORS OF EMBEDDED INSIDE ITS WINGS.
THE COLOR OF THE BUTTERFLY SHOW HOW FRAGILE.
A BUTTERFLY NEEDS TO BE A TREASURE BECAUSE OF THE COMFORTABLE SOUL INSIDE.
THE LIFE OF A BUTTERFLY IS VERY PRECIOUS. I NEED TO BE LOVE AND ADMIRED, AND RESPECTED.
SHE WANTS TO FLY FREE TO HAVE THE ABILITY TO EXPLORE HER SURROUNDINGS.
I LOVE HER EVEN THOUGH SHE IS A DAMAGED BUTTERFLY. SHE WANTS TO HEAL HER BROKEN WING BY SHINING OFF COLORS SO IT MAY BE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AS WELL AS THE OUTSIDE.
Blinded by what she thought was love but turned out to be a reality that she had lived just without the large bank account or whatever her heart desires like a shopping spree.
Spiritual broken because she finally thought she would have it all & finally be proud of the woman she felt she had become with all the unbelievable mistakes she had made throughout her life. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I finally did to myself; my life has ended; I’ve overdosed. No, not on coke, crack, or even ecstasy. I overdosed on love, or at least what I thought was love, but it was nothing more than a desire or feeling. The feeling of being in love, and the desire to be loved, that’s what killed me! I overdosed, thinking I had enough self-control to realize when I had enough of this lousy drug that had me under its control.
But then, I did not care how bad things got; I just wanted enough so that I wouldn’t feel empty inside.
After the high was out of my system, I felt more alone than when I started, and even then, I still did not feel strong enough to get up and kick the habit; instead of love ruined my life, and I overdosed. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
The visit was not about jumping into bed with him.
It was about pure desire out of feeling wanted about him again instead of feeling the hate. She has been getting from him for almost a year that we have been broken up.
Nerves Out of place She was asking herself, what is she doing here? But in the back of her mind, she knew that there was no better place she could have been with him because that’s the only time she felt comfortable and happy.
As happy and comfortable that she was with him. She could not but think about how somebody else had been lying in the same bed she laid down.
I said yes, I do, and by doing so, I’m ready to start the newest chapter in our lives. Some people get lost in the ring, but our commitment is so much bigger than any ring. Saying yes means that we will grow together, fight together, and, most importantly, love together. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
I don’t mind when people find themselves talking about me and the kind of person I am because people don’t mind wasting their time on little me, and my fanatic passed.
I guess the real-time I must worry about it is when people stop talking about me because it means I no longer matter if people choose to put my dirty laundry out.
I might as well come clean about things my way.
I have always felt like an outsider in my family, but that’s my fault because I keep myself away.
My first sexual experience was bittersweet because I learned another way to show someone else love. Five years and I can say it wasn’t worth the wait because it was love and passion.
My marriage blew up in my face because I was trying to be my ex-husband’s superwoman instead of being honest with my partner about not being everything I wanted to be for him.
Also, not allowing my pride not to ask for help when needed. Marriage is no regret, but I was in love with the idea of love when it came to him.
The divorce was unreal until I saw the papers were in my hand the first time; many more times than I had signed those papers, I felt like a bit of a piece of me was dying, and there was nothing to stop me from dying. Anytime I tell people that I thank my ex for the divorce because the divorce showed me the strength I never knew I had inside.
Bestfriend
He was tough love. That open ear. That voice of reason. My safety blanket when the world was beating me up. He was my laughter. He was my all-nightwalker, anything from our worldview to teach me how to love myself before loving anyone else.
Most importantly, he was able to save me from me. I fell in love with my best friend because he never gave me the chance to pretend to be someone else, He got me.
It’s true someone bought me a dog until further notice is still paying my phone, and all we are is just friends. Yes, it’s true that he has strong feelings for me and why it has always been easy for me to get what I please.
I know it’s hard to believe that I can be friends with someone of the opposite sex for many of my haters. But, I don’t have to sell my soul to the devil or spared my legs open like most haters.
Yes, I have done some kissing throughout my life, but my body has only had one. Can anyone of those who chooses to speak to me say the same about themselves? Probably not, but I can because I was taught to know better about my body. Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
Picturing forever is hard work that comes with that forever. That forever begins the day both parties say I do. When they do, ‘s are finally said & done, the hard work of getting to know each other as a husband And wife begins. The first way is to understand that the roads ahead will not be secure, but marriage is all about creating their own rules as they go along. Not one wedding is the same; we should never go by anyone else laws but their own rules. There might be one rule that everyone should follow, and that keeps holding on to each other, no matter how rough the waters might seem at times. Wild waters are always around, but the essential part of dealing with these waters is coming above or understanding that everything worth having Is Worth working on? Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
She played into his hands like a game of blackjack.
She was desperate to know if he would not be like everyone she has shared in her life.
He knows all the right things that will get her heart without making any significant moves.
Every little girl or women dream about what the perfect relationship and marriage should be in their eyes; that’s how he was able to play her heart like a guitar.
Now she sits back, wondering how or why he would play her like a musical instrument if he never made her his first lady.
It’s easier to sit around and blame him for her heart, not playing the romantic melodies.
Her heart has been looking to play for years. But, she has to look at the hand she has been playing and. Realize her side has been all wrong since the beginning of the game.
Only because she is wishing and dreaming about him being everything she desires he should be.
When in reality, she should be molding herself to be the right person to herself. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 