I am lost for words, yet something insists on being spoken.
When I choose silence, I find myself singing a song no one hears. How can people listen to someone who refuses to speak?
And when I do speak, my words stumble out as contradictions— a clash against mankind itself.
Still, the tension between silence and speech is proof that I am alive, searching for a way to be understood.
BY: Ms. ButterFly Genesis
If you had stayed—
If you had lingered a little longer
among the ones who still speak your name
like a prayer wrapped in laughter.
But you couldn’t.
You had to answer your call,
And you went in peace,
gracefully—
like you always did.
Now we’re the ones left wondering
How to go on
After having you
for as long as we did.
I don’t have answers.
Just this wish:
Happy birthday.
I hope you’re living it up,
dancing in the light,
moving freely—
The way you couldn’t
here on earth.
This isn’t goodbye.
It’s just a letter
I never got to send.
By: Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I don’t know where to begin, but I must say something.
Something is better than nothing.
And this—this is everything I’ve been holding in.
I miss you.
Unbelievably.
More than my heart can contain.
Yes, life keeps moving, but it’s harder now.
Harder to start the day.
Harder without our girl talks, the ones that made everything feel lighter.
I never wanted to disappoint you.
But I know I did, while you were still in the physical world.
Still, my intention—always—was to make you proud.
Proud of me.
Proud of the relationship we built, year after year, moment after moment.
And even now, I feel you.
In every step I take.
In every decision, good or bad.
You’re still here, in some strange, beautiful way.
I know there’s only one thing you’ve ever wanted:
To see your family grow.
To watch love expand in ways you never got to witness.
And I know you’re watching.
I know you’re still hoping.
So this is my apology.
To you.
To the version of me that let fear win.
I’m sorry for disappointing you.
I’m sorry for not taking the opportunity you gave me on the other side.
I’m sorry for self-sabotaging something I wanted so deeply.
But maybe everything happens for a reason.
Maybe the reason is love.
Maybe the reason is growth.
Maybe the reason is that we all want the same thing:
For him to become the best version of himself.
For him to find his person.
And he did.
So as you look down from wherever you are,
Please—make sure his dreams come true.
Please—keep guiding me, even when I stumble.
Please—know that I love you.
And I miss you more than anything in this world.
Always yours,
I was born into battle
a world that tested me, a love that constrained me,
but never a force strong enough to stop me.
She raised me to believe,
to press my feet into the earth and call it my own,
but still, in her mind,
I am a shadow of what I have already become.
I do not wait for permission to rise.
I do not shrink to fit into the past.
I am a woman,
etched by survival,
formed by my own hands.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Though I cannot hear your voice or feel your embrace, my heart reaches out to you with every word I write. If only I could pick up the phone and hear your laughter again, it would fill the emptiness that echoes within me. Instead, I settle for this pen, pouring my soul onto paper, hoping to stay connected with you, even for a fleeting moment.
I know you see everything—every stumble, every tear, every triumph. You watch over us, even when the weight of it all might feel unbearable. But still, I want to tell you, just in case you ever feel like letting go. I miss you more than words can capture, and I know I’ve fallen short, often letting you down when I should have stood stronger. For that, I am sorry.
Life has been chaotic since you’ve been gone. Old habits crept back into my days, and I struggled to find footing. And yes, I’ve been told I’m a little crazy—but I’m working on it, honestly. I’m rebuilding myself, this time for me. I’m learning to close the lingering chapters left open for far too long, finding the courage to face what I once avoided.
I miss your laughter most of all—the way it lit up the room and reminded me of the love you held for your family. The babies are here now; your granddaughter would’ve been your joy. I wish you could be here to see how life has unfolded, dress her up in little outfits, and revel in the pride of our boys becoming the men you always knew they could be. I hope you can feel how much we love and honor you, even when we stumble.
Please continue to watch over us, pray for us, and guide us with your spirit. I promise to keep speaking to you in every way I can, holding onto the bond that time and space can never break.
**Amen.
Tears linger just behind my eyes, Not born of rage nor sorrow’s disguise. But of comfort, strange and unplanned moments shared with the one who first held my hand.
She was unyielding, with words sharp and bare, no cushioning of feelings, and no room for despair.
“Rid yourself of these emotions,” she sternly declares, “Life has so much more than love’s fleeting airs.”
And I agree—life holds a vast view. But missing from mine is the person I knew. Anger simmers—does she see, does she care?
Or is indifference cloaked in the air?
I wrestle with trust and letting her in. Guarded and vulnerable, where do I begin? If my mother can’t see the ache in my chest, who else could understand and invest?
She should be my haven, compass, friend, and confidante on whom I could always depend. But her eyes brush past the anguish I hold—my love, my loss, my story untold.
Still, I must face her with honesty and grace, even when her warmth feels misplaced. I yearn to impart love and understanding to bridge the divide that tugs at my heart.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I opened a chapter of my life,
I thought she might read my words,
Understand my heart,
Comprehend the weight of where I stood.
But her response?
“Throw it away”—as if feelings could be discarded,
Like remnants of broken things.
Yet what I feel is not trash.
It’s love—
Love for someone who was my person
Though I was never theirs.
From the sidelines, I hope,
I pray for a sliding door to open,
To slip back inside the space we shared,
To rewrite the story without time’s shackles.
I love him for more than reasons:
For the way, he gave me wings.
With him, I was me,
He made me feel—
Butterflies, fire, and untethered desire.
I didn’t have to think;
I learned to follow the trail of my feelings,
To love him as fiercely as myself.
And now, ten years—ten lifetimes—later,
When they tell me to discard him,
To get rid of a decade’s worth of aching truths,
I ask,
How do you throw love away?
Love is not disposable.
Love is the journey of bruises and beauty,
The lessons are carved by pain and strength.
Love is grace,
It’s kindness.
Love is life’s mirror—
Love is you.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Pen and paper is the only way I can communnot notith you right now .
Pendant paper is the only way I can allow not nott to break and cries those unwanted tears. I’ve been holding back for so long by choice.
Pen and paper is the only way I truly see myself and my heart whether it’s breaking or weather is being held on by a string, but whatever it is, this is the only way I can show it.
Goddamn, how I wish you were here to see and hear everything no I don’t want you to decide with me because I know you won’t. I know his blood so he takes priority.
I just wish you were here to listen, and then of course side with him one of the very last conversations you and I ever had was about set individual and you asked me if I ever thought about reuniting our lives together and I told you I would give anything and everything to make that happen. But your girl was wrong. I couldn’t do it or I wouldn’t do it because of fear of things blowing up again in my face I love and I love hard and there’s no other way I know how to love.
I guess what I’m trying to let you know without going in circles is that I fucked up again but this time I acknowledge that I fucked up because he asked me for one simple thing and I believe that I asked him for one simple thing, but neither one of those simple things could’ve been met by either one of us Honestly girl when I was with him, I enjoyed every moment every second of every time we could be together I didn’t waste it and you how I know I didn’t waste it because every time I went home I couldn’t wait till the next time we were together, but what made it cheap for me was that I knew it was just a moment and in that moment, I was looking for more than just a moment but once again scary cat me couldn’t or did not know how to say that without making such subject so uncomfortable. I never wanted to ruin the moments talking about feelings and what I needed from the subject but sometimes I couldn’t help myself. I went off on impulse and I just opened myself up and said I loved you and I know now that you’re my person.
No, now I’m sitting on my bed right into you because it’s the only way I can communicate with you and I’m never going to stop saying how much I fucking miss you and I know, and you should be disappointed in me because I feel like besides letting myself down once again After so much prayer of hoping that me and said subject could ever be it didn’t happen and it did not happen because of me because even though things happen so long ago, I live certain memories in my head anytime I would see that subject and I would wonder what I was doing with that subject if I felt the way that I did and the way that I felt was empty .
Empty because I was afraid to allow myself to feel anything but at the same time I was lying to myself because I did feel I just didn’t feel the right feelings at the right moment I felt anger I felt deception. I felt disappointment. I would always ask myself on the way home . How the fuck can I continue to do with this when I know that my heart was covered with pain, rage and confusion and most importantly love..
Is it too much to ask for the subject to pour as much love as I was pouring onto them? I guess it was because even though they say my mouth that they forgive me for all the stupidity that I ever did it felt like they didn’t because at times they were unbelievably stoic with me. It was like somebody else was with me And not not the person I was used to period like I said when we last saw each other and spoke to each other over the phone. I believe you were the only one rooting for us to get back what we had to preserve it and if we got that second chance Not to look back or to pay attention to things the people would’ve said, and I’m sorry that I let you down. I’m even sorry that I let myself down but I’ve come to realize that the word sorry it’s just a Band-Aid and I’m tired of being covered in Band-Aids. I don’t wanna be covered in Band-Aids anymore. I want to be free of Band-Aids and I hope you understand that being free of Band-Aids is being free of him even though my heart wants what it wants and it wants said subject, but I’m just a big fuck up and I can’t continue saying I’m sorry and continue to do the same bullshit over and over again expecting for four subject to forgive me just because I said I was sorry when and only when someone is really sorry they would never do anything to cause anyone
I also have to let you in on a little secret. He hasn’t been the same since you’ve been gone, but of course I don’t need to tell you that because you were were his own personal diary and you took a lot of of his dirty secrets with you even how he felt about me Those years we spent without speaking to one another honestly, I wish you were here for so many reasons that we won’t get into right now, but one of the most important reasons I wish you were here is so sad subject could have life back into his heart because I’m clueless on how he’s made it this long Without you. For me it’s been a true nightmare, not having you around to talk to to see to laugh to make plans with I miss you and no one will ever take your place in my heart and I hope nobody takes my place in your heart. I love you And I’ll talk to you soon. I don’t know how soon but I’ll talk to you again because I hear you screaming your head off probably cussing me out and I deserve it..
I love you big head and I hope as you’re up there looking down on all of us you teach me not to forget but to forgive myself because that is my biggest pet peeve and struggle. I’ve never learned how to forgive myself. I can forgive others for doing me dirty , but I can’t forgive myself, which takes away the purpose of forgiving others because I have to be able to forgive myself in order for me to forgive others and I’m ass backwards. You should know that I shouldn’t have to tell you well either way I love you and I miss you and I hope That wherever you are you’re still watching over all of us why wow we try our very best to keep living..
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I had to make 1,000,001 mistakes to finally understand how strong I am and how worthy I am of who I am because of what I’ve been through in my life. I wouldn’t say I like giving people credit for helping me become who I am today, but who I am today is not who I was yesterday.
I always thought I felt like I needed a man to feel complete or to feel accomplished, but I don’t. I know that I don’t because, once upon a time, I was stripped away from everything I thought would find me as a person and partner. Still, I’m so far away from the person I was, and I’m even shocked to say I’m so proud of myself for coming as far as I’ve come.
It’s great when you have someone to share your life with, and you can have pillow talks at night with that person Because that’s supposed to be your person. Still, it’s also OK to be alone and discover who you are without someone, and who I am is someone powerful, very determined, very outgoing, willing to learn and make mistakes and admit to them when they get done. I’m not perfect.
I have a mouth. I struggle to ask for help because my disability makes me feel like a burden, so asking for help makes me feel like more of a burden. The last thing I want to do is be anyone’s burden, but I’ve learned throughout my journey that if you don’t ask for help, Things will fall apart because everyone needs help.
Everyone deserves help. There’s a difference between helping and handing everything to that person. You can help someone help themselves.
You don’t have to hand them everything for you to help them. I’ve learned that helping me doesn’t mean handling things. It means Just helping me by guiding me and giving me advice whether I ask for it why not. Through my journey of self discovery I’ve learned that I’m OK with myself.
I don’t always have to like myself, but I do have to be OK with myself and right now where I’m at in my life. I’m OK with my self because I know what it’s like to rely on myself and no one else.
At the beginning, it was overwhelming and it still can be overwhelming sometimes, but I have to keep reminding myself I can and I will do what I have to do for myself because if I don’t do it for myself, then there is no purpose to do what I want to do With myself all my life because I’m not doing it for the right reason.
Life should not be about pleasing others. Life should be about living the way I wanna live and discover and be fearless as I’m living the life. I want to live not the life.
Everybody else wants me to live. I’m not gonna lie. I know the reason why my family keeps me in a bubble Because if they’re willing to do things for me, I’m gonna allow them to do them for me not because I can’t do it myself, but because they’re willing to do it for me and that’s my mistake is allowing them to do things that I can do for myself.
That’s why they don’t believe in my independence from them because I’ve had them cater to me for 43 years and now that I’m trying to break free and I’m going to break free With God‘s will.
Ms. Butterfly GENESIS
Venting
Those who have followed me know I am a disabled blogger, and As a disabled blogger, I share my life with the world. But with that comes a lot of criticism. People think my posts are just me complaining, but I’m trying to show people the real me.
This is my life, and no one else is writing it. Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of this post. I want to hear the words I’m proud of you, no matter what I’ve accomplished.
I want to hear them. I’m proud of you and knew you could do it despite your limitations. But sadly, I’m 43 years old, and I haven’t heard those words from anyone who’s given me life and purpose and pushed me for the last 43 years so I can keep living.
I thought I was here to be as successful and independent as possible, but that’s not the case with my mother-and-daughter relationship. I’m 43, and she’s given up her life journey for me because, like I’ve said before, I’m a burden.
So, she thinks and wants me to believe that, but I don’t because I know I can and will do what I have to do for myself, not anyone else. It drives me crazy that just because I’m disabled, I’m supposed to be a piece of furniture that doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, and doesn’t do anything. That’s not who I am.
I’ve never been that person. She’s always told me out of all my children; you’ve been the most defining child I’ve had because I know I can and will do for myself as much as I can, and the things I can’t do for myself, I will find someone to help me do those things for myself because I know what I need for myself to be me.
As a parent, I’d ensure my child is self-sufficient, regardless of ability. The hardest thing for a parent is leaving a child unprepared for life. I thought our relationship would become simpler as she matured and saw me as an adult. But I’m not a child.
I may need help physically, but I can take care of everything mentally. There’s nothing wrong with my brain. I’m not afraid to learn or teach. I thought I’d told her I’m not afraid to live beyond my limitations. I’m not afraid of my limitations; they’ve become my greatest strength. My strength goes beyond anything anyone could imagine.
Hey, Mom, I have something super important to share with you. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me, but I also think it’s time for us to figure out what we can and can’t do without each other. You’ve given me so much of yourself, and I want you to know I appreciate it.
But I also need to take care of myself and my own needs. I’m not saying I don’t love you, but I need to spread my wings and fly. I know it’s scary to think about being without each other, but I also know it’s time for us to find peace and happiness.
I know you’ve done your part and deserve your time to find out who you are without me. I’m so proud of the amazing person you’ve raised me to be, and I know you’ll always be there for me, even if we’re not always together. Trust yourself, Mom. You’ve done an incredible job, and I know you’ll always be my rock.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I don’t know you, and you don’t know me personally, and I don’t understand why I feel the need to write to you, but I do so here. I am just putting a few lines together.
I knew of you before you were born, and let me see that when I found out about you, it was a shock throughout my whole body because there were so many different emotions running through me that I couldn’t process everything at once.
From day one, your dad has told me never to worry about you because you don’t care and want him to be happy. This is why I need to write down my feelings on paper.
I owe you that respect. I want to let you know who I am and what I’m about and open up that line of communication between us so you don’t feel like anyone is misleading you.
Since you entered the world, my concern has always been your well-being, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s always been about you, as it should be.
You are probably asking yourself. Why am I taking the time to share my feelings with you? Like I said before, I owe you that respect because you are the most important person in his life, so the most important person in his life. I want to open up that line of communication with you.
No, I’m not trying to replace anyone in your life or become something I’m not. I want you to see me as a friend you can depend on emotionally and mentally, not always physically because the distance is crazy.
Still, anything is possible, especially when someone means the world to you. There’s no distance far enough to keep you away from the person you care about the most, and even though you don’t know me, you have my whole heart.
Your dad and I have known each other for 22 years. That’s a lot of years, a lot of history. There are many good and bad times between times, but mostly good all the way around.
What makes your dad a particular person to me is the fact that he was able to look beyond my chair and see me as a person because I have to be honest with you: not too many people see me past my chair or my limitations, but your dad was one of those special people that was able to do that and was able to make me feel just like any other girl and treated me just like any other girl and because he was able to see beyond my disability, we were able to live out a fantastic romance with no embarrassment no regrets and no hiding.
Things happen for a reason. Every person has a season, and you and your dad had five incredible, challenging years together. If one day you want to know what those challenging things are, you can ask your dad or me, and I will be happy to answer those questions for you. We had to go through those challenging years.
The hardest part of those challenging years was when we finally pulled away from each other because there was a dark cloud of blue over us. We couldn’t bounce back from that, so your dad and I decided it was best if we went our separate ways and continued living our lives, and that’s precisely what we did. We moved in different directions.
To this day, we decided to separate, not because we didn’t love each other, but because we knew things would never be the same. The best thing that came out of our separation was you because he lives and breathes and sees through your eyes, and he sees his peace and gratitude because he has the most fantastic gift any man can receive: that daughter.
I’m grateful to God that he has such a fantastic daughter because you’ve taught him so much about himself and his self-worth as a man and a dad. Of course, I don’t have to tell you how amazing of a dad he is because you see it; you live it every day.
Who am I? I’m someone who shared terrific times with your dad. I loved your dad no matter what he did or didn’t do.
He was always loved and respected, but I removed her from his life so that you could be the leading woman.
I’m so glad that I did that because I now get to see him in the newest chapter of his life, and that’s being a fantastic dad to a daughter.
I’m not going to lie. When your dad told me he would talk with you about me, thoughts started running through my head.
My first thought was what was going through her head as they had this conversation and how much he was telling her about me.
You have always been my priority, even though you don’t know me and I don’t know you.
The main thing your dad and I argue about is the fact that I worry about you too much, he says, and I do because you’re a part of him, so if you’re a part of him, I have to worry because you’re part of him he’s a part of you. You’re a part of him, so I will always worry about you and whether we will meet one day.
You will always be my priority, especially if something doesn’t fit or is not working. I’m always going to make sure that I consider your feelings for the small things, for the big things, whatever it is.
I will always worry about what you think and how you feel. That’s just in my nature, and I’m a Virgo, so Virgos always worry and overthink things, but we also know how to have fun too, and I hope one day I get to meet your beautiful face in person so that we can torture your dad just a little bit.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
MY DESIRE TO SCREAM I PROMISE TO ANYONE WHO IS CRAZY ENOUGH TO READ THIS THAT MY DESIRE TO SCREAM IS A NEED AND JUST A WANT.
I NEED TO SCREAM BECAUSE IF I DON’T FIND THE STRENGTH WITHIN MYSELF TO DO SOMETHING I HAVE DENIED FOR YEARS BECAUSE OF THE FEAR OF NO ONE LISTENING TO ME.
I HAVE ALWAYS SAID NO ONE WILL EVER LISTEN TO MY ACHED HEART, BUT HOW DO I KNOW THAT WHEN I HAVE NEVER TRIED TO LEAVE MYSELF OPEN TO SAY WHAT I FEEL OR IF ANYONE IS SAYING SOMETHING, I AM NOT READY TO SHUT DOWN LIKE A LAPTOP OR AN IPAD.
HOW CAN I MAKE PROGRESS AS A PERSON WHO WANTS AND NEEDS TO LISTEN BETTER TO MOVE FORWARD IN LIFE? I AM CONSTANTLY CHOOSING TO CHECK OUT EVERY CHANCE I GET BECAUSE THAT’S ALWAYS BEEN THE EASIEST THING FOR ME. I DON’T WANT ANYONE READING THIS TO BELIEVE I LOVE HAVING THINGS HANDED TO ME. I WILL WORK FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE AND WANT IN MY LIFE.
WHEN IT COMES TO SHARING MY FEELINGS ON PAPER, I FEEL LIKE I DO GREAT EVEN THOUGH MY ENGLISH SOMETIMES MIGHT NOT BE ENGLISH TO PEOPLE WHO TRY AND READ MY FEELING BECAUSE THERE MIGHT BE WORDS MISSING OR A WHOLE ASS SENTENCE IS MISSING, SO IT THROWS THE PIECE OFF.
EVEN THOUGH THE WHOLE WORLD HAS TOLD ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO GIVE UP SOMETHING LIKE WRITING THAT I LOVE MORE
THAN ANYTHING ELSE THAT HAS BEEN A PART OF LIFE.
PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE LANGUAGES; MINE HAPPENS TO BE WRITING. I COULD AND WILL NOT SEE MYSELF HAVING ANOTHER LOVE LANGUAGE.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I’m blessed that I am going to be blessed to see 43.
It’s a blessing because I was not supposed to make it past a few hours after entering this world.
Coming into this world, two pounds and one ounce, anything and everything is questionable.
God saw something special in me. He pushed me strong enough that I could still be here 43 years later when sometimes I question myself and my existence in the world.
I want to believe why I question my existence when I understand if I can question why I am still here when I have nothing important to show for the 43 years of my life.
The only thing I have to show my 43 years are the scars my heart holds on to from the many times it has been used and abused by the world we live in because my heart has always struggled to see the bad in people.
When people read this piece, they will say, “Stop complaining, and don’t do anything to change your life so you may feel better about it.”
The only response I could give was that I felt stuck within myself. I have imagined many times before where I would have been at the age of 43, owing something that is my own and independently away from my mama, showing her that she has given me many tools to survive on my own.
I will always need to know whether she and I share the same space.
Love is over Reddit, and I am not even worried if love finds me again because the best person to love is me, even though I can be honest with myself and say I have not always been the most loving person to myself.
Once in a while, I might fall back into old habits because I have no clue how to not be hard on myself.
GRATEFUL BEYOND MEASURE
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Perfection is an elusive ideal, and real life is beautifully imperfect. Struggling with mental well-being is a common human experience, and it’s okay to have triggers.
Remember that you’re not alone in this journey. Sometimes, the most courageous battles are the ones we fight within ourselves.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
In the silence of absence, your presence I feel,
A guiding force, a comfort still so real.
Though you're not here to hold, your love remains,
A beacon of strength, through life's many pains.
For every step I take, for every fall,
I rise with the courage you instilled in all.
In the quiet moments, I sense your pride,
A whisper of faith, always by my side.
With each breakthrough, a piece of you shines through,
In the lessons you taught, in the good I pursue.
You're the unseen cheer, in my life's grand play,
A part of my journey, every single day.
So I'll keep pushing forward, with you in my heart,
Completing the dreams, you saw from the start.
And in every triumph, in each little stride,
I hope you're watching, with eyes open wide.
For you are my strength, not to fight but to grow,
In the essence of you, I find my glow.
Each day a new leaf, each challenge a chance,
To honor your legacy, in life's intricate dance.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis

Your birthday came and went, and I couldn’t even focus on writing you a simple post like I usually do on your birthday and the day of your anniversary.
Writing would be easier because all I have left is a pen and paper to communicate with you.
I hate that the only way I can communicate with you is through paper and pen, but I’ll settle so that I can talk to you, and maybe one day, you send me a sign that you’re reading what I’m writing to you.
There are so many things that I lay up later that night wondering how we would have celebrated you and shown you that we loved you and they were blessed to have you, even if it is just you being an angel; there are so many things that I lay up later that night wondering how would we have celebrated you and showed you that we loved.
I’m assuming you get tired of listening to us tell you how much we miss and love you and wish you were still here with us so you could be enjoying every moment and every second the way we are so that we could feel complete.
I will share a little secret with you, even though I know nothing is a secret, because you can see everything from where you are. I’ve been made to feel like your departure shouldn’t hurt me or that I shouldn’t consider you my sister-in-law because I’m no longer married to your knucklehead brother. It kills me when anyone says she wasn’t family to you and we were family because you and I would always consider ourselves sister-in-laws no matter how much time went by.
I had no clue that for me to feel your departure, you and I had to have blood running through our veins, the same blood for me to fill anything from your departure. To this day, I’m still waiting for anyone to wake me up from the nightmare of you not being here and me not being able to pick up the phone and hear your voice or send you a funny text message and wait for you to respond.
It’s a nightmare when your birthday comes around because I have no one to call to wish her a happy birthday and tell you. I’ll see you soon. Besides that, I have no one to gossip with, no one to share my feelings with, or just plain laugh with.
If I had a genie in a bottle, they could make my three wishes come true. You would be number one, and for one reason only: you would be number one, and for one reason only, you would be number one because you have left so many people with many questions and answers we will never get. And I want to see you one last time.
I know I shouldn’t question your departure, and I’m not going to, but that doesn’t mean I’m not mad as hell, and the only reason why I’m mad as hell is that as much as I heard your voice that last day that has never been enough for me.
The other reason is that your brother doesn’t know what to do with himself without you here. I no longer want to see him in pain, and I know if you were here, he wouldn’t be in as much pain as he is in right now; he wouldn’t be questioning life if you were here.
I know you did not mean to leave your family, your children, but you left them with a lot of unanswered questions, and I just fucking miss you. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I miss you.
I want you here so I can know that I can pick up a phone and hear your voice at the end of the other line.
I love and miss you, and you will forever be my sister-in-law, no matter who, no matter who doesn’t like it.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
One heartbeat under the one gives us life.
I miss and love you more than anything.
You should be so proud of me. I finally was able to tell your daddy about you. I want to believe he was super excited to know that there was a part of him and I grow together.
Funny but not funny, your daddy called you into existence and was very persistent about your existence.
I’m not going to lie; I was low-key and over the moon. I’m excited to know that I had you inside me because, in my eyes, I was going to have a part of your dad that nobody could ever take away or deny just because you would’ve been just like him.
I’m speaking from my mother’s intuition when I say that; I know you would’ve been a spitting image of him, including attitude.
It would’ve been a true honor and a blessing to have a little piece of you on earth with me, even if you would’ve driven me up the wall sometimes, but I wouldn’t have changed it for anything in the world.
Simply because I know you would’ve represented your father and me so very well in this world, and most importantly, you would’ve been my protector, my savior, because one of the first things your dad wouldn’t tell you was never allowed anyone to pick on your mom you always defend your mom no matter what no matter who it is, you come to your mother’s defense?
But even though you’re no longer here for whatever reason, God only knows why; I won’t question why. I will say, see you later, and please keep watching over all of us, especially your dad.
Your dad needs your energy, your strength, and your clarity. I know it’s a lot to ask of you, but please watch over him and give him a reason to continue to fight and show him that your life wasn’t in vain.
Thank you for six amazing weeks. Thank you for making me understand. Things happen when they’re supposed to happen, not when we want them to happen, and I believe that you were meant to be, but for whatever reason, you didn’t come through all the way.
You may have a bigger purpose you need to accomplish in heaven that you couldn’t do down here. That’s why you left. Whatever the reason, I’m glad you are watching me and protecting me as your father would’ve told you to do.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Birthdays are a celebration of life and the person accomplishes, whether here or not.
Birth is a true gift from god that no one should take for granted because we feel like we can and should.
It’s so difficult for me to live in the moment sometimes because my brain is always ready to move on to the next thing instead of enjoying the little things in front of us.
No one has tomorrow, so I celebrate the life you were and still have, even though you are not physically here.
The world assumes just because time has gone by, it hurts a little less, but that is so far from the truth that all I choose to do is laugh.
It hurts more now than the first birthday I celebrated without your face in mine.
There are so many things that push me through a day like today, and though things are, no one else could say they had you the way I did or knew something like what made you happy or sad.
Besides celebrating life, I miss those quiet moments when I choose not to make the world apart.
I miss you
Love You
Keep Celebrating and keep being my #1 Angel.
I will keep doing my part and hold you down as I have been.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
On another birthday without her, people would think I would be over it & I would see her birthday as another day.
She has been gone four years, and I still feel unsettled with her not being here celebrating her birthday.
I miss that I can’t pick up the phone & give her all my well wishes or tell her that I’ll see her soon.
I will always be grateful for her and the fantastic friendship we were blessed to have.
I miss you more than words can say, but I wanted to believe you had a bigger purpose with our heavenly father.
As much as I would like to know what those purposes are for our heavenly father to take you from us, I have come to terms with the fact that I will never understand those reasons because I want to be selfish and have you with me and everyone else who loves you.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Damn, the worst thing anyone can hear is I must prepare myself to deal with her. So I want to ask, what does that mean you must prepare yourself to deal with her?
I already feel like I’m a burden to everyone around me. So when I hear someone say, I must prepare to deal with it.
What the fuck is that all about. We live in a world where we don’t have to deal with people we don’t want to. We choose to deal with people we don’t want to deal with because either we don’t think highly of ourselves, or we just genuinely can put our differences aside for moments and see them as humans.
I’m over the top.
I require more than most people and what I mean when I say I need more than most people is that their hands become minds their legs become mine as well.
My body works differently, just like every other body works differently than mine.
I sit in the seat that I sit in with pride.
It might not seem like it all the time.
Still, I’m very proud of sitting in the seat that I sit in every day because people’s ignorance pushes me to continue to do my very best and continue to wish those who see me as something they have to prepare for nothing but the best in their lives.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I saw another beautiful soul left this earth.
Yes, I understood it was going to happen because that is the circle of life; we come into this world with a birth date but never date of death.
No matter how much preparation we do, it’s just not fair, but nothing in life is suitable.
Anytime a loved one is underground, a piece of me goes with them, and as many times I have been through this, I have found myself disappearing.
I’m tired of trying to keep my head above water.
Most importantly, I’m tired of living in this grieving bubble while I feel like everyone else is living.
Even the world doesn’t see my scars.
I’m scared, but those same scars will push me through and help me understand why I have had so many losses in my life.
The strong will survive, and I guess that’s what I am, even though it’s challenging to see myself as vital at this very second.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Happy Father’s Day to all the fantastic fathers worldwide and those wonderful mothers with no choice but to be both fathers and & mothers”s their children.
Any man can make a baby, but it takes a remarkable man to be your father. Just because you make one doesn’t make you one. You have to be there every day and every night and be what your father probably wasn’t for you for your child.
Father’s Day is funny because I have a Father, but people do not believe me just because of how I choose to express myself about the man that is my father. Not to mention, my mom has been the only person I’ve seen daily for 40 years.
For little girls to believe that no matter what, we’re going to be daddy’s little girls forever might be true for some girls but for me, it’s a different story.
My story is simple my dad was around for a while, then he just disappeared before I could even feel like a daddy’s girl.
I will not discredit him from being my father because that’s what he is, but I was never daddy’s little girl. But, still, I’m not going to blame him either for that because now that I’m older, I understand that you learn from what you see, and if you don’t have a father figure in your own life, how can your father your child if you we’re not fathered yourself.
I can’t be mad at him because I don’t know his upbringing or what he is like as a father figure. But, on the other hand, I am angry because instead of stopping the cycle, so probably starting it with him, he chose to keep the process going by not being a full-time dad and watching his children grow up and love him like all fathers should be loved.
If we can wrong our rights, do it.
If we can say I love you to someone we haven’t said today, let’s do it. No matter how we might feel about that person deserves to know that you love them. Whether they give it back to you is a different story. As long as you do your part and tell them that you love them, that’s all that matters.
No matter what, I love my dad because, without him, I would’ve never been brought into this world, And for that, I honor him.
He probably wasn’t the ideal father I would’ve chosen for myself, but as the world says, you can select the people that will be your family or be a part of it. So overall, he is my dad because he deserves to be acknowledged today and every day. After all, he’s my father.
Happy Father’s Day.
I began my blog because I needed a safe space to express myself and my feelings without judgment. I’ve felt physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted in the last few months.
I feel like no matter what I do with my life or don’t do with my life, someone has something to say, and I’m just tired. I’m tired of feeling like I have to explain all my actions so that later on, I don’t need to deal with anyone’s reaction.
Sometimes I feel like being a part of this physical world can be overwhelming because I have others negatively beat me down mentally and emotionally beating me.
I have taken every negative thing that people have said to my face or have made me feel about myself to make me a more robust and a better writer.
On a serious note, I’m tired of trying to prove my abilities while the rest of the world refuses my growth as a woman. At this point, I’m like fuck everyone who is not with me and who hasn’t been with me in a long time.
I want to live, but I want to live my own life without having the commentary in the background, making me feel like I have no idea what I’m doing?
So what if I don’t know what I’m doing?
Part of living is making mistakes and growing from and learning from them, and becoming a better person.
Many people say I’m still the same person I was back then; I’m no different, but I know I’m different because I’m older, and I understand a lot more than I did.
I don’t know, but I still have people wanting to stop my growth, and I wouldn’t say I like that.
I have earned the right to live a life I can be proud of despite my disability. Whether the world feels I’ve done enough to get out of a particular situation I’m in or not, that’s their fucking problem, not mine.
I know what I’m trying to do for myself, and no one else should matter or get in my way of accomplishing my goals. I also understand that a billion people can stand in my way, but if I genuinely want to see my dreams come to life, I will make it happen.
I’m mad at myself when I allow people’s commentaries to get under my skin when I know they have no idea what type of life I’m living and what I truly desire with all of my heart.
Besides good health and a good spiritual connection with God, I want my independence.
However, I understand that I won’t be fully independent because of my limitations.
I deserve to have a life where nobody comments about anything I want to do with my life.
I turn around, and someone comments or makes me feel stupid for even attempting to have an everyday life.
I wouldn’t trade my disability for anything in the world because I know my disability has opened many doors for me to do different things and reach people in many different ways.
At the same time, the only thing I would change is more mobility so that I could do things independently.
If I had the mobility, I would not have to kiss anyone’s ass to have a decent life. What
I’m living it’s like a child’s life because my parent refuses to see me as an adult. After all, I have been a wheelchair user, and no matter what is harmful to me, that part of me will not change.
I will always be that child, but deep down inside, I don’t want to be seen as a child. I’m a grown-ass woman if I wish to lay down with someone or have a good time alone. I should be able to do so without feeling like the world will point its finger at me.
I’ve been in a very dark place, and I have to deal with a human that doesn’t walk a mile in my shoes every time.
It makes it that much worse, but I get mad at myself instead of them because why am I going to let them get to me.
They don’t know what I go through mentally or physically. I’m the only one who understands it, and the only reason why I don’t give up on life is that I love doing what I do.
Blogging has allowed me to share my life with y’all, and I hope I’m inspiring others with my stories.
The exact words encourage people as she uses them on me more often, especially when I feel like there’s no way out. When I know there is a way off, I have to be willing to fight for my way out.
I’ve been trying for the last 40 years to get out so I can run free and not feel like a rope around my neck is holding me back.
I don’t apologize for ranting and raving the way I am because my blog is the safest place for me to let myself be who I am. Who am I? Right now am a very pissed human being because I allowed someone to get under my skin instead of being a bigger and better person.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I’m not speaking from a mother’s perspective but a daughter’s perspective; why do mothers only deserve one day to be honored or celebrated.
Mothers deserve more than one day to be kept and shown how much they are loved because to be a mother, women have to learn how to be selfish and put a human life inside of them for nine months first, for now, and forever.
Being a mother to a bit of a human being is a 24-hour job with no vacation time and no sick time, and we have to find a way to squeeze in some self-care time for ourselves after a tiny human comes into the world.
The minute women find out they’re expecting; we learn how to become overprotective even before entering this world.
We want to protect them and make sure they feel loved and wanted even while they grow inside us and make us feel different feelings and take over our bodies, but it’s so rewarding to know that we have a human heartbeat next to ours.
Mothers should be honored every day because a mother is a gift that is never replaced no matter. But unfortunately, my mother and I have a relationship out of the movies; we don’t know if we are coming. So, we have to fix our shit because she needs to be proud of whom she raised as a person.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
The first healthy relationship daughters must establish is with their fathers. Unfortunately, many fathers don’t understand the impact they create once they have daughters.
I firmly believe that if we had fewer fatherless daughters, we would know and understand the standards of a real man and what love should look like and feel like because, once again, the first men we love as daughters are our fathers.
Our fathers set the standards for the type of man we end up with and who we decide could be our future.
As little girls, we dream of a man just like our father.
So all the men in the world, including my father, let’s stop making our daughter fatherless.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Anytime I think about the last time you and I spoke anytime, I think about the last time you and I said, Your voice becomes haunting to me because I had no idea that that would be the last time I would ever hear your voice, your laughter.
Like the rest of the world, I usually think things we have so much time to do or say how we truly feel about someone until we don’t have that time.
I thought we had more time to talk to me around each other I have plain old fun, but I was surprised that you were cheated out of seeing your boy’s become men.
Even though I shouldn’t be mad with God, I should be thanking him for allowing me to have met you and being grateful to have gotten the chance to have what I never thought would be our last girl talk.
It’s been unbearable to deal with the pain or wrap my head around the fact that you’re not here, and it’s been years already. You would think that I would have a better way of coping with it already, but in reality, I don’t. I miss my girl chat; we had so many plans.
As much as I would love to walk around with a sad face, the thought of you coming into my mind, I can’t. I know that’s not something you would want me to do anytime I think of you and bring a smile to my face and ring the whole flood of conversations that you and I had throughout the years that we’ve known each other and that we’ve been a part of each other’s lives.
It feels fantastic when I can speak about you in the present tense, like if you were just on some vacation. So, you’re coming back soon because that’s what it feels like to me, you on this long-ass vacation, and eventually, I will see you again, and I hope and pray that your ass excited as I would be when I see you again.
Life has been rough without you and what I hate the most is I can’t pick up the phone and call you and talk to you about what’s going on; you would be surprised, but then again, you wouldn’t be surprised if that makes sense. So, hopefully, they’ll see you as you’re reading this from heaven.
Time hasn’t made anything easier but any of us, but I can only speak for myself. I miss you like hell, and I can’t keep telling them on a piece of paper how much I miss you and not be able to say to you physically how much I miss you because they’re up in heaven looking down at the mess that world as becoming since you have been gone.
There are not many ways I can tell you that I miss you, but I do miss you like crazy part of me is jealous that you’re not here, and then the other part of me is glad that you’re not here because you’re no longer in pain and you’re finally resting.
I know I would be one of Many always telling me I need to take it easy, take better care of myself.
Stop doing this, stop doing that, and the only thing you tell me is I will rest the day I die.
I will get so pissed at you because I wanted you here forever, But I know then nothing is forever, and no one is supposed to be here forever, but you’re just one of those people besides my lovely grandmother that I wish could’ve stayed here forever.
I miss you, big head, most of all. I miss the girl chat. I will always love you; love this is not a word love is an Emotion, and I’m grateful that you loved me the way you did and accepted me even with my craziness.
I love you.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Before I begin putting this piece together, I would love to start by saying I’m not attacking men for defending their women.
I’m a firm believer that men should protect their women at any time. I’m also not trying to be a hypocrite and say that you’re a celebrity; you should watch how or where you do things because all eyes are always on you.
After all, you become a role model for the rest of the world. Indeed, your status should not matter when defending your wife or your family.
Being a part of the public, I think everyone is responsible for being mindful of their actions and knowing that every effort reacts.
I feel that if we are two grown men so grown men, we should behave like adults and not condone violence because we have enough violence against us because of our skin color or who we are in the public eye.
Bing people of color, we seriously hate being stereotyped, but if we act or even say things that would fit those stereotypes that we’re trying to run away from, how can we blame those people for stereotyping us.
Suppose you no longer want to be stereotyped as those people. In that case, we should be mindful of our actions and our words because not only cameras will be on us, but the whole world will be upon us, watching us make sure that we fit everything single stereotype they think of us as people of color, not human beings that we are.
In closing, I would like to say that as men have a strong brotherhood, whether correct wrong; a brotherhood is forever, and everyone is always trying to stay on top.
So I don’t believe that we should knock somebody down to try To remain on top; we should encourage each other and push forward and understand that life is too short to be doing inappropriate things that we might not be able to take back. It’s a good chance that everyone’s perception of who you are may change just because of one night of action.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
It’s been two years since the last time we said goodbye I have no idea what to say or how to feel that you don’t already know or haven’t seen for yourself since you’ve left us.
Two years and it seems like it was yesterday that everyone that you ever loved or ever touched in the special he was there saying their goodbyes and me whispering, I love you hoping that you would’ve heard those words coming from me.
I needed you to listen to those words coming from my mouth because I didn’t want you to feel like you were alone.
As your body was getting ready to leave the physical world, my only concern was letting you know how much I loved you and how much I was going to miss you.
I know you have no choice in how or when you decide to leave us.
But, still, I do want you to know something our lives will never be the same because you were the glue that held a lot of us together.
Now that we no longer have you, it feels like it’s time we fall apart because you were. I will comment denominator, but now we don’t have a common denominator that was you.
Two years and I’m still wondering if that hole that you left in my mother’s heart will ever be filled again, and will she ever be the same person she was before you left.
She puts on a brave face because that’s all she’s knows because she refuses to show pain.
What can I tell you about myself in the past two years that you haven’t been here? My personal life is a hot mess, but knowing you would smile and giggle and tell me when you will get a boyfriend.
As you laugh, my only response would be Guy, way too much trouble; I’d rather be alone, and Knowing you, you would have agreed with me and told me not to waste my time to focus on walking.
Of course, I will smile back and say I will, and you were Giggle.
My personal life is not something to be spoken for.
But, still, everything else that I wanted to do as far as blogging YouTube being it’s going pretty well, and I’m proud of myself, and I know you would be proud of me too because I’m finally doing something for me I wish you were around to see it all.
I miss you every day, every hour, every minute. I no longer know how to say I miss you.
Grandma 👵
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
I have tried to be Bold but couldn’t be because I always worried about hurting someone’s feelings.
All my life, I have been taught or Intimidated by the fact that I always need someone for the rest of my life.
Therefore, I should not try to bite the hand that feeds me or cleans my ass.
So what that meant for me was to suppress a lot of my feelings internally into myself and blame myself for a lot of the things and a lot of ways people would make me feel because I was not allowed to bite that hand.
So keeping that in mind, I learned how to walk on eggshells with people, including my own family, because I understood I needed Them more than they needed me to be around.
Holding back my emotions has limited me from communicating with others.
I don’t always communicate in a way where I am understood right away, and sometimes I feel like I try my best to speak; I get lost in my communication.
I lack the most in contact is the wrong wording and how I phrase things to people.
bold
outspoken
fearless
unbothered
understanding
opinions
disagreements
These are the steps that anyone, including myself.
It needs to go by anytime we need to communicate our feelings to the world.
Stop feeling apologetic anytime anyone’s feelings get bothered by my Opinion just because of the fear of not having my back up to help me with my need every day.
I already have so many things in my life that intimidate me; why should I speak up for myself or share an opinion about something?
It should scare me as well.
So no way I have a voice, and I’m not going to use it if people want to join the ride; please do, but if you don’t get off before I ride off.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
I’ve said this in plenty of my other pieces. I am the type of person that needs to be liked by everyone and excepted by my family.
Everything I have tried to do with my life is to get somebody’s approval or somebody with validation on who I am as a person.
Coming into my 40s, I’m to the point where I’m tired of fighting and feeling like I need this person to like me, or I need my family to approve of the things I want to do with my life to feel like I have support.
So here now, I don’t give a fuck if you like me; if you don’t like me, I don’t even care about them supporting me.
One of my biggest insecurities, and I’ve never said it publicly, is I always care about what people think about me and their perceptions of me.
I need to keep reminding myself every day of my life as long as I’m here at the People’s perception of me should not matter and should not validate the person I am and who I’m becoming.
I’ve always walked on eggshells with my family because they’re my source of caregiving; they are The Who dirty their hands, wiping my ass every day.
So I should have some loyalty to them. But, in reality, just because they wipe my ass doesn’t mean that I have to agree with everything they try to throw at me, and that does not mean they have the right to belittle me as a person.
Just like my family should not have to put up with with myself disrespectful ass when I want to be a bitch coming out my mouth knowing that at the end of the day I’m going to need them.
My validation has become within myself and no one else I’m a grown ass woman despite the fact that someone always has to wipe my ass so with that being said the validation stands with me and then anyone else.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
It’s your birthday today. I know would like to be wishing you a happy birthday
It’s been three years since you’ve been gone, and it has not gotten way easier to deal with you not being here.
Happy birthday. Thousand times over, happy birthday, I miss you like crazy one of my many wishes for you would be happiness and more love than you can handle.
I want to be selfish and have God grant me a wish of hearing your voice one last time, or I wish God could allow me to wish you a happy birthday in person.
I never saw you crumble; I never saw you come loose or lose it.
All I ever saw was a smiling face and a heart bigger than anyone could handle.
Some days are more complex than others, but the way I managed to get those harrowing days is by looking at pictures that you and I would constantly exchange every chance we would have to speak.
A simple picture does not do it; you should be here celebrating another year of life with everyone that loves you. But, instead, I had to light a candle and scream happy birthday, hoping that you would hear me.
I’m angry that you are not here.
I’m angry that I could not call you at midnight.
I’m angry that God blessed me with the chance to see my 40th, but it was super easy to rob someone more deserving than myself away from that opportunity of hitting such a milestone.
I know if you are not in the physical world with all of us. Heaven will be the place to celebrate one of God’s top angels. So all I can ask for is that you do it big.
While we are resting, hold on to your memories and love. Happy Birthday, Big Head. Miss you so much
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I miss you.
I’m jealous that I can’t see you or touch you.
I wish you were here so I could share the good and the bad things with you.
It would be best to be here because I need you, and I want you here with me.
It would be best if you were here, so I don’t feel so alone in this cold world that you decided to leave me in because you had to go.
I don’t care if I sound selfish by saying you should be here to hear your voice telling me everything will be all right, but I have to trust in myself, and everything else will follow.
You should be here so my heart doesn’t feel so incomplete.
It would be best to be here because I want to be selfish and have you all to myself.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
I did not understand your value as a person and mother until I no longer had you to fight with or talk to.
I just saw you as someone who always tried to define who I should be and what I should be in life instead of accepting me for who I was and loving me as your loving daughter.
Now that you’re no longer here in the physical world with me, all I desire is a simple argument or just a simple I love you to make my pain just a little bit better. I wish my heart and heart could and should be on the same page, but sadly, they’re not.
My head understands that pain is a part of everyone growing pain, but the heart struggles to understand why you and why pain needs to be a part of my growing pain.
I feel like if I had allowed myself more time with you, we could have learned so much from each other.
I feel right now that I blink and open up my eyes, and I am saying bye.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
opening
accepting
acknowledging
allowing
possibilities
Endless
It’s a significant transition for me to think about these words when it comes to describing my relationship with my mom.
I can’t pinpoint what has made me feel these words come true honestly, and I’m grateful to know that it hasn’t been too late for us to learn how to explore our mother’s daughter’s friendship.
Our relationship has never been perfect; it’s been a relationship, but it’s been a difficult one because we both struggle to see each other and each other’s roles.
Having the ability to open up has allowed me to see the possibilities of a mother-and-daughter relationship. Not just a mother is her daughter’s caregiver, But a real mother-daughter relationship.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
Broken
Damaged
I am left questioning my purpose or why I decided to share my thoughts with the world.
I feel like I should be embarrassed about sharing my life and other Intimate things with the world.
Honestly, I’m not because I’m no different from someone writing; all tell books about themselves.
I love sharing myself openly, and I hope that someone can relate to me on some level.
Whenever I find myself with the need to put my feelings on paper, it is therapy, and there’s nothing wrong with the treatment; therapy is like a reflection to teachers on what they need to change or what they need to improve on to be a better person.
Writing has helped me be listened to even if people find themselves laughing at my emotions at the end of things.
I have to do with that whatever I have to do so my emotions don’t eat away at me, and the most important thing that I have to hold on to is people’s opinions aren’t going to define what I’m or what I might never be.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I spoke to you that morning that God decided to call you home.
No clue that would be our last conversation because God had plans for you that no longer had to do with the physical world.
Everyone is always prepared to live life, but no one ever prepares us for death or says goodbye to those we love & love us back.
Nowhere in my wildest dreams would I ever thought that the only way I could speak to you, through pen and paper. I can no longer call you or text you doing my little checks in with you and always ask when would you be able to bring me the boys who are now man.
You would laugh tell me they’re not little boys anymore; they were busy being out and about.
My reply to you would always be there, still going to be my babies, no matter how old they became in life.
The only thing that brings a little peace to my heart is that I got the opportunity to see you twice before being called home.
I had this running joke with you I would always say to you, I know I’m never going to see you unless I was off dying somewhere, and you would always reply, don’t say that; you know I love you, and I’ll see you soon.
The thought of not seeing you or not hearing from you again never crossed my mind because I know you were doing everything you could to take care of yourself.
Most importantly, you knew you have five young men that don’t need a mother and that she will never be replaced. You also understood that you meant a lot to your family and everyone you ever came in contact with.
You were more than just family to me; you were also a good friend, and I hope you could see me as a friend.
Happy Birthday, Bighead
Love You.
P.S. It has not gotten any easier
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
A mother is the real backbone of the family.
When anyone loses a mother, it’s like losing a nurturing teacher, unconditional love.
The loss of a mother is always unexplained; we want answers, but we never get them; all we know is that they are no longer physically here with us, and we still need that person to mother us no matter how old we may become.
No matter how much time passes by, she is still going to be needed and wanted. So how am I supposed to cope with the fact that no matter how much we might need her, she is no longer here physically?
The only thing that can bring us peace in knowing that she is no longer in pain and that no matter where she is, she is always with us because we carry her in memories in our hearts with us every day that goes by.
Part of us has never been ready to bury the woman who gave us life, and we’re just trying to figure out how to continue life without her but understanding that she is watching over us.
It should be better than nothing.
No child should be prepared to bury a parent, and no parent should bury a child, but life doesn’t work that way.
For life to continue, we have to lose people we love to make room for new life to come into the world, but what we wouldn’t do for one last hug or to hear I love you.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
A year has come and passed; it’s unbelievable that a year ago, we all surrounded your bed, hoping that you would give us a sign of hope that you would still be with us fighting to stay with us.
A year ago today, my last words to you were I love you, and I pray that you were listening.
I needed it so bad for you to jump up and respond to that I love you because I felt if you could do that, there was no way you could leave me.
Love is strong love is not supposed to pull people apart; it’s supposed to keep us together, and as long as I kept telling you how much I love you, how would you possibly leave me and be content.
I know and understand that your leaving us was out of your control; it was your time, and who are we to fight against time.
Yes, it would indeed be unfair to get mad with time because I feel like it took you too fast and way too soon. But, yes, you lived 89 years of life filled and struggled not to back.
Yet again, I am angry because you’re not here to make me smile with your silly stories about your upbringing as a young girl or how you would come out of the blue and ask me about my love life. I miss how you would laugh after hearing my response of I’m not checking for no man because they are just too much trouble, and I already have enough problems in my life.
You always made sure to tell me to find good men who Would be willing to love, respect, and take care of me. So my response to you was always; I’ll take care of myself the best I can because I have to learn to depend on myself and no one else.
I miss seeing you.
I miss hearing your voice.
I miss your big personality that would take over your room.
I miss your smile.
I miss having the ability to say I love you and hearing you say back.
I know where ever you are in heaven, you are watching over me, and I hope that whatever it is that I’m showing you, you are still proud of me.
Matter how much time goes by, there will never be enough time to heal the hole in my heart because you are the one that holds the key to my incomplete heart.
P.S. I love you, and please keep giving us the strength to come to terms with the fact that our lives have never been the same since you left.
Instead of saying goodbye, I’m going. I love you because goodbye is final. I understand that I will never have to say goodbye as long as I keep you in my heart. I love you❤️
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
Heaven must be the most peaceful place.
That’s why you probably answered your calling when it was time, and you knew you were finally going to run free without any body pain or anything else holding you back.
I am angry that you answered that call, not just because I would no longer see your beautiful face again.
I’m pissed off because one of the many children you left behind happens to be my mother, who had caught herself picking up the phone to call you because she was so used to hearing your voice and laughing about it when you guys talked about the good old days.
I know you could not help but answer the call that we all have to answer one day.
If you only knew the mom I once had, she is not even half the person she left with us.
If the walls could speak, they would be screaming your name; you definitely would get tired of hearing your name all day.
No matter how busy we try to keep her, nothing will compare to hearing or seeing you again.
I pray that you give her the strength to continue to see the days ahead.
As time goes on, I pray that you help her find that inner peace she is looking for when it comes to your passing.
I pray that you help her become the person she was before she understood that you were leaving us behind.
I pray that you listen to me and please help her come back to life better yet just to herself.
Losing you, I have somewhat lost the most significant part, my mom and your child.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
No one should be able to say goodbye because goodbye is such a final word.
Everyone who once loved her was there watching her sleep so peacefully like the sweet angel she had always been.
I couldn’t help myself in the back of my mind and be selfish and cry instead of thinking about how she is no longer in pain.
Finally, rest in peace with her creator and living in his kingdom while the rest of us is struggling with the grieving process when we lose our loved ones, but I don’t know when I Should stop crying.
Tears
sadness
Lost
Missing her is selfish because she is finally at peace and watching over all her loved ones, and that should put all of us at ease with her passing.
She is not here physically, but I understand that she lives in all of us because of the memories that we each hold of her.
Not saying goodbye I’m saying see you later, GrandMa
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
August 4 would have been your 90th that we would have been more than willing to celebrate just to her surrounded by everyone that loves her.
She would have been all smiley, ready to eat everything she could have gotten her hands-on.
We probably would have allowed it because she loved to remind us she had one life to live. If she would ever pass away, she would have had to pass out, knowing that she could eat everything that made her happy.
Not one day goes by that I don’t wish you here, so I can hear you giggle one last time.
It isn’t easy for me to understand that I won’t see you; all I know is that she is running free with no pain.
No matter how bad my eyes fill up with tears, my heart is joyful because I know you are no longer in pain.
Happy 90th Birthday to the most unique, incredible person in the world, MY BEAUTIFUL Grandma
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
So emotionally, and I can’t help but think of you today because today was the day you made your debut into the world.
You came into my life much later, and you were an absolute blessing because you gave me a new way to look at the world. After all, I was able to see the world through those innocent eyes of yours.
I can honestly say that was the most relaxed experience ever because you didn’t see the bad in anyone, and you trusted everyone around you.
The innocence and colossal heart you hold within yourself made falling in love with you that much easier.
I’m so glad that you & your beautiful mom gave me the chance to be a part of your life for as long as you and she did. But, I don’t want to speak about sad things.
Today is a day of celebration of life, and you become a young man. I have many wishes for you.
The first wish is very obvious. I wish that God continues to bless you with excellent health and more love than you can handle.
My second wish for you is that you know how much everyone you have ever contacted loves you because even though there’s a distance between us, I still love you like crazy.
My third wish is that everything you wish for yourself comes true because you are one of the most deserving human beings, but I know in the world.
So as you blow out your candles, the third wish is that everything you wish for yourself comes true because you are one of the most deserving human beings, but I know in the world.
So as the blog you, I hope and pray that all your wishes come true today and tomorrow, and forever. I hope and pray that all your wishes come true today and tomorrow and forever.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I have so much stuff on my mind; I am surprised that I have not ended up in the crazy house with the rest of the stupid people.
I know being a part of this world, I can’t be everything to everyone. So all I can try to do is be that support system I did not have while growing up.
How can I be wrong for trying to be someone’s supports system? What’s crazy to me is they cannot see the same blood running through me is running through them, and before jumping down my throat, please realize my blood runs through you too.
Friends and relationships come and go, but family is the only thing that will forever have your back for the rest of your life.
I know I should be the last to speak about guys coming and going, but I learned my family will always be there. Once I chose my husband over the people I could count on, I was sure that he was still there for me.
So I thought I would never need them because I had him, or at least I thought I did.
So I understand how you feel; trust me, I’ve been there.
That is the only reason I don’t want you to go down the same road as me because that road is lonely and dark.
I also know that you need to fall before walking straight into life and growing as a person.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
She is a little girl that only knows a mother’s love.
She has no clue what a father’s love should be because there is no imprint of what a father is.
As a young lady, she begins to look for love to fill that space that only a father can supply for a daughter.
I never understood that a father is supposed to be protected, not an abuser.
She begins to find herself in situations that make her believe that as long as her body is cover in black & blue, that means that she is loved.
Fatherless Daughters
Black & Blue has never been a sign of love.
The sign of love is & should always be red.
The only way our fatherless daughters are ever going to learn about true love is by learning self-love; self-love respects one’s body as a temple.
Also, understanding that giving our bodies away doesn’t always mean love.
Fathers are the first relationships we have as little girls & young women we have & use those relationships to help us choose someone like our fathers.
Stop making us fatherless daughters & become the man that we should dream of.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
When a man has their first daughters, they learn a different language of love.
Daughters know how to melt any man’s heart.
At least that’s what we are supposed to do to our daddy’s heart.
My situation was different; my father was around for a while, at least physically, but he was like a ghost emotionally.
Until he disappeared for good, I had no actual role model of a man to treat women.
Every little girl wants to be daddy’s little girl.
To feel protected by her daddy as well as love by her daddy.
All I got was my daddy back, wondering if he would turn around and face me for the last time.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
When women decided to become mothers, it was an honor that god blessed.
Being a mother is a gift that should not be taken for granted, even though many of us take it for granted because we don’t always do the best for everything for that tiny human that has grown inside us for nine months.
It takes more than someone calling us mommy for us to be acknowledged as mothers.
A mother is supposed to be a nature.
A mother is supposed to be a teacher.
Most importantly, the mothers are supposed to be protectors.
Unfortunately, some women choose to be women first over being mothers to their children.
His body was violated by someone that was supposed to handle his daily care, and she was just busy being a woman to notice that there was something wrong with her son.
How could anyone be so dam busy for someone who lived inside them without a care in the world? A mother’s job is to protect, and she failed him as his protector.
MY PERSONAL OPINION IS ONCE WE BECOME MOTHERS BEING A WOMAN SECOND TO HER FIRST JOB.
NO MATTER HOW SORRY SHE MIGHT BE, HE WILL NEVER GET HIS INNOCENCE BACK.
IF YOU RATHER BE A WOMAN FIRST THEN, YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE A BETTER DECISION FOR YOURSELF AND THAT OTHER LIFE.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
She was not planned but not unwanted, just a real surprise from God itself.
Even though she never developed into her little person, I was lucky enough to feel her heartbeat next to mine.
So we were bonded way before you became my little girl angel.
As my first & only baby girl, I have so much to say to you, and I have to let you know that you would have been named after the person I admire the most, and that person is your grandmother.
My little angel of love.
My heartbeat will always be with yours, even though many people did not understand my decision to keep you.
All I understood was that a human life needed me & I needed her in my life.
God knows why things happen and why he chooses not to keep you with me.
Even though every single part of me is in my sweet little angel girl, the only thing that gives me comfort is understand that no matter I am still your mom.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Mom, I am not coming to you like your daughter, but like the woman I am.
I understand that seeing me as anything more than a woman is difficult because you probably thought we would not make it this far, but you and I are here.
The place that I find myself with her is simple. I am somewhere I would like to challenge myself by finding out who I am, even with all the limitations that my disability has placed on me that I can make it.
I know that being out on my own is a scary thing for you, and I am not going to lie; it’s frightening for me too, but for totally different reasons than your own.
As a mom, I understand that it’s your job to worry about me because I am the baby you have sacrificed the most. After all, I needed you the most.
Mom, I know one of your most significant worries is who will care for me if you pass on.
I also worry about what would happen to me if. my arms and legs weren’t here for me, and you have always said that I would be pass on to my siblings but, if I could be honest, I would hate to be passed around like a yo-yo when I know my siblings have a family of their own. Like my siblings, I would like to be on my own even though I understand that I will never be totally on my own with my condition.
My condition will never allow it, and I think to myself, what other choice do I have.
Live the rest of my life with you, and never experience life for myself.
I am not sitting here asking you for permission to live my own life; all I would like for you to see is that you have always raised me to know right from wrong and, that should also mean I should know what’s the best thing for me to do for my life.
I would understand why at times, it would be difficult for you to believe that I would know what would be the best thing for me because of my past mistakes, but I don’t look at them as mistakes; it was the things I needed to go through so I could grow as a person.
Mom, I could never forget everything you have given up so I may grow into the woman I am today.
Today’s woman has to do with the kind of mom and woman you show me you are.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I don’t know if we have ever had a mother and daughter relationship where I could be myself and not fear your reaction about anything that might come out of my mouth.
I am with pen and paper, hoping that you may see me through my words since you struggle to see who I am in person.
I struggle to have any relationship with you because you can’t see me as your daughter you love and have watched me grow into a beautiful woman.
You have struggled with me as your daughter, let alone as a woman, because of my disability.
My limitations should never be that wall that keeps us from building that relationship I have needed in my heart of hearts.
I know she was born with a disability.
I could never forget that I cannot function without others helping me.
I am not asking you to forget my disability either, but I am asking you to see me beyond my limitations and see me as just your daughter.
From the first breath I took into my body to stay alive and become who I am today in my life, the daughter who has fought for her life.
Who I am is someone reliable and someone who has never seen limitations for herself.
I know someone is looking at those limitations for me.
I am not blind; I see that I will need help for the rest of my life to live a healthy life like everyone else around me is living, but that does not mean I should not have a life of my own.
You will always worry because you are a mom, which is part of your job.
I love the fact that you love me as much as you do because, with all the love you have poured into me, I have been able to keep going in this crazy world but, there has been a downfall in your loving me as much as you do and, that is your struggle to let me go.
I understand it’s not easy to let your baby go, and I am not trying to say it should be easy, but if you don’t work on it, you will never know my abilities because my limitations will always hold you from letting me go.
I deserve my own life, and you deserve your life back because all your kids are grown, but I know you cannot have your own life if you are always busy worrying about me and my care.
I love you because I know what you have given up so I may have a chance at life, and I am not trying to break free from it because I am ungrateful.
You have always told people that you have allowed me to find myself as a person, but I don’t see how you have allowed me to find myself as a person when you still see me as a five-year-old little girl that is always going to need her mommy just because I’m disabled.
I will always need my mom, but not because I am disabled; you are my strength teacher and just my whole life.
I hope one day, not too far away. Then, you can see me as your daughter and not just your disabled daughter that has all these limitations.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis🇩🇴
(I have no idea what it’s like to be a single mom, but I feel like they need recognition for all their hard work and sacrifice.)
A mother’s job begins when she decides that she is ready to share her life with another human being grown inside of her—not knowing that they will be growing together and fighting together.
It’s effortless to make a baby; the difficult part is knowing that you’re in this alone because the person you decided to have a child with doesn’t feel the need to share the responsibilities with you.
The job of a single mother never ends.
Being the mother and father is the most challenging job because we must play both roles simultaneously.
We can’t force men to become fathers if they don’t want to and if they can’t realize that the gifts that God has given them are the best gift they can ever receive from God.
That’s why, as women, we all have to be careful of who we choose to share ourselves with and want to become parents with because the kids are the ones that suffer.
As single mothers, we have to become superwomen.
After all, we don’t have time to break or think about anything else but need and then one because we have to make up for what they’re losing by not having a male figure in their lives.
This last part is for the men who believe that making a baby makes them a father.
I hate to break it to you just because you can make a baby does not make you a man; what makes a man is the one that sticks around to watch his children grow up and become something better than their fathers.
That’s why I believe God gave the gift of bearing children to women because he gave us the strength and the power in the knowledge to become mothers and fathers.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I live in a place where everything gets done for me from the time I open my eyes until I close my eyes to sleep.
Many people reading this would be like, I am living the life many wish they could live.
I only complain about my life because I have a beautiful mother who does not mind doing anything and everything for me.
She feels that no one else will carry the cross of caring for me.
I believe it’s time for my mother to stop carrying the cross of caring for me and allow me to show her that I can care for myself despite my disability.
I have always known and understood that my disability is going to be a part of my life.
I wish everyone could be more relaxed with the terms of my disability.
I don’t fear my disability because even though I am limited in many physical ways, I know I have other abilities in other ways.
As much as I love my mom, I need to be honest with myself, and I guess the rest of the world; she has hurt me by always keeping me sheltered and still making me feel that I could never be on my own because of my disability.
I have never believed that my disability could ever stop me from doing anything my heart desires, even though she has tried to put fear in my heart about being on my own.
I know that it will not be easy to be on my own, but nothing anyone wants should come easy to have.
I desire my own life despite my disability; unfortunately, she struggles to give my own life because of my body’s physical limitation on my life.
My limitations do not mean I should not have my own life. On the contrary, that means that I should fight harder for myself and not allow my limits to speak for me.
It would be wonderful if she could support me and not struggle so much to accept me the way I am.
As the new year comes in, I will stop talking about what I would like and do it even though I know I will break her in half. I know if I don’t break away from it, I will never be seen as anything more than just a disabled female & I know I am so much more than just that. But how can I be seen as more? When everyone is busy pointing to my limitations.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Daddy and I always think about who you would’ve been and who you would’ve become.
As long as I have a clear mind, I’m still going to think about the day I decided not to give you life because of my selfish reasons and his maturity.
I always think about if we were ready to take our relationship to an intimate relationship, we should’ve been better prepared for you, but we weren’t.
We were not prepared for you, and thinking about it, I don’t think you would’ve been prepared for us either, but that doesn’t make me feel better about the choices we made when it came to you.
You were human life.
That deserve to live and earned to see what the world had to offer and what we had to provide for you as parents.
To know that I could have you inside of me was crazy because I never thought it was possible, but it was possible.
There’s not a moment that I don’t feel guilty for making the choice that I made without thinking about the outcome and how I would feel as I continue to live my life wonder what if.
I understand as long as I wonder what if I am not really living or along my path to move forward, but I am at a point in my life where I wish I could go back and Choose you Because having you would have meant that anything was possible.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis �
The heartbeat was a gift from God himself.
The heartbeat that would change my life because that’s when I understood a tiny human lived inside
of me.
The moment your heartbeat came through, we became this unbreakable team because we needed
each other from that day forward.
Now that you are here, I can’t believe that I ever questioned if I could be your mom, but as long as I
have you by my side, I know anything is possible, and as time goes on, we will be growing together.
I know we will make mistakes along the way, but I am grateful that you have chosen to be your mom.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 