I am so proud of myself for having the strength to sit in my chair and write this without tears. Please don’t mistake the absence of tears as the absence of missing you — my heart screams for you every single day.
But tonight, the scream is different. It’s not only grief, it’s joy. Joy that so many wonderful things are finally happening to me, for me, around me. It’s wild to think you can’t be here to share in it, to be happy with me, to witness the way I’m growing.
I miss you in every breath, but I’m learning to let that longing live beside my gratitude. And maybe that’s the strength I’m most proud of — to miss you and still move forward.
Here we go. Starting another week off trying not to drag my feet—because I know I’ve got the rest of the week to do just that. It’s Monday, and the only thing that comes to mind is how much I miss being a kid. Back when the air felt lighter, and my body didn’t carry the weight of expectations. Back when I didn’t wake up with a lump in my throat and a list of things I’m supposed to be.
I miss the version of me that didn’t know what burnout felt like. The version that believed Mondays were just another day to play. Now Mondays feel like a slow unraveling. Like I’m stitching myself together just enough to pass as “okay.” Like I’m performing stability for a world that doesn’t ask if I’m tired—just if I’m productive.
I didn’t just live without worry—I lived with the quiet comfort of knowing someone else was doing the worrying for me. Someone who made the world feel padded, like even if I fell, I’d land softly. Now I wake up and realize I am the padding. I am the worrier. And I don’t know when that shift happened, but I feel it in my bones. In the way I double-check everything. In the way I smile when I want to cry. In the way I carry everyone else’s weight like it’s mine.
I miss being held. Not just physically, but emotionally. I miss the unspoken promise that someone would catch me. Now I catch myself. And some days, I don’t even want to.
It’s Monday. And I’m tired. Not just from lack of sleep, but from pretending I’m not overwhelmed. From pretending I don’t miss the girl who used to believe the world was kind. From pretending I’m not grieving the simplicity I didn’t know I had.
I wish you could see me now. Not because I need you to, but because I finally can. I’m in the most peaceful place I’ve ever known. If I had known then what I know now, I would’ve fought harder to find myself sooner. But this version of me needed time to bloom. She’s softer. She’s stronger. She’s mine. Peace isn’t just a feeling—it’s a face, and today it looks like me.
I hope you’re reading this with your head held high and your wings stretched wide. I hope the colors of your journey still shimmer with Dominican pride, with softness and fire braided into every strand of your story. You’ve come so far—from whispered dreams in diary pages to spoken word echoing through rooms that once felt unreachable. I hope you’ve never stopped honoring the girl who once felt invisible by making yourself impossible to ignore—in art, advocacy, and joy.
I hope Mabel Inc. has become more than a project—it’s a movement now. One that wraps its arms around every child felt left in the corner and says, “You belong here. You are magic.” I hope your poetry still dances between vulnerability and power, and that your merch, slogans, and silhouettes with butterfly wings still speak louder than any apology you used to make for taking up space.
Have you kept your promise to love yourself fully? To celebrate every milestone like it’s a coronation? I hope you’ve stayed soft even while being strong, and that your boundaries are now lined with gold—not walls, but gates that open only for what nourishes you.
I hope you’ve continued to walk boldly in your purpose, knowing that your story is sacred and your voice is necessary. I hope you’ve built spaces where others feel seen, just like you once longed to be. And I hope you’ve never stopped remixing your truth—through color, rhythm, repetition, and the unapologetic power of your presence.
If you forget how far you’ve come, look at this letter. Let it remind you: you are the genesis, the flame, the butterfly in flight. And you are never done becoming.
With love, pride, and infinite belief, Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I see you not just in the mirror, but in the movement. In the way Mabel Inc. rose from a dream into a declaration. You didn’t just build something—you built yourself. You didn’t wait for permission. You didn’t ask for applause. You made space where there was none, and then filled it with color, clarity, and community.
You lived beyond people’s expectations. Not above them, not beneath them—beyond. You learned to hold yourself accountable, even when the fault wasn’t yours. You stopped deflecting and started reflecting. That’s growth. That’s grace.
I’m proud of you—not just for what you’ve done, but for how you’ve done it. For the woman you’ve become. For the woman you keep becoming. Because I know you. You don’t stop at milestones—you remix them into launchpads. You don’t settle. You soar.
You’ve never let anyone write your story. You’ve always held the pen. And when people tried to write on you, you turned their ink into art. You made sure no chapter was skipped and no detail was erased. You’ve lived loud, loved hard, and documented every inch of it with intention.
So keep going. Keep growing. Keep glowing.
This letter isn’t a goodbye—it’s a bookmark. I’ll meet you on the next page.
I lost you— But in the losing, I found the map again.
I found my voice In the quiet strength I didn’t know I had, because I was too busy standing behind someone Who never turned around to ask my name, Or why my silence sounded like survival.
I found myself— In the mirror, In the ache, In the art.
But I lost you. And maybe that was the cost of becoming whole.
My mind is a fortress, steel and flame, Stronger than sinew, untouched by pain. It holds me up when I want to fold, A silent guardian, fierce and bold.
But strength is fickle when hearts betray— He haunts my thoughts day after day. I run from memories, yet they stay, Pulling my heart, though I’m miles away.
I wish my heart could match the might Of this relentless, sharpened sight. If feelings bent to intellect’s sway, I’d rise with calm and walk away.
Still, I hope—as minds outgrow their chain— That I’ll embody this quiet refrain: Strong enough, come what may, To choose myself and walk away.
My mind, like a compass, has charted the map of survival— a terrain of letting go, where love is lighter than loss, And freedom is worth the unraveling.
But my heart… She lingers in shadowed corners, clutching echoes, swaying to rhythms that no longer serve me But still sounds like home.
I plead with her: “Catch up. Step in time with what I now know.” Yet she folds into silence, eyes wide with fear That healing might erase the memory of feeling.
I am two voices, written on the same page In a different ink. One says release, The other whispers, remember.
And I don’t know If this ache is resistance or reverence. But I do know— Even confusion can be a kind of clarity, If I dare to write it down And let it speak.
I open my heart to you, not polished or guarded, But torn and trembling, willing. I lay down love, not love as compassion, But the need to be consumed by another— so I may reclaim peace as one undivided, So, my thoughts may still walk in silence, and my reactions follow gracefully.
Forgive the moments I’ve responded from the storm, not the sanctuary, The times I’ve chosen impulse over insight And let your gift seem forgotten.
I bleed truth before you now: Not perfect, but present. Not pure by achievement, But willing to begin.
Let my sacrifice not be sadness but strength— not a denial, but a devotion. Make my mind up. Make my spirit still. And let your sacrifice ripple through me as a renewal, Not a regret.
I speak aloud, and the world echoes back— a reflection I never saw until now.
I was always here, beneath the layers they painted over me, beneath the wishes of others, The expectations pressed against my skin.
Love is possible, as long as I dare to unfold, to chip away at walls built in fear— but fear is a stubborn architect.
To open the door, to hand over power— Isn’t that the same as handing over the last piece of myself? I have given my body to others, because without them, I cannot move forward.
But my heart— My heart is my own. And if I hold onto it, If I keep it locked away, Who will ever truly know me?
Three years to mend what time had carved, Seventeen years of echoes, unstarved. I poured transparency like rain, Yet the past refused to drain.
We lived yesterday, never today, God gave a door, but we stayed in the hallway. And when the storm came crashing through, I found myself whispering sorry—again, anew.
Wanting so deeply, my grip turned tight, Love is fragile when held too right. I chased the past, hoping to bend, But in my grasp, it broke again.
What could have been, what should have stayed, spinning dreams on a carousel, frayed. I prayed for a second chance to prove, Yet walked in circles, lost in the groove.
I should not let another’s whisper command the tides within my heart. Yet one breath—just one— And I am weightless, adrift in longing, forgetting that I am the keeper of my thoughts, my love.
No more waiting by the window, No more wishing in the hush of midnight that he turns, that he sees, That he aches for me as I once dreamed him beside me.
He must be worthy— worthy like I must be. Yet if I am untended, If I do not cradle my name in reverence, How could I ever be worthy of him?
So I begin— not for him, not for the fleeting touch of desire, But for me. For the mirror that whispers truth, for the hands that hold my heart steady. I begin, and that is enough.
What else is left to say when the heart has screamed itself hoarse, when its walls have cracked wide open so someone—anyone—could see the blue blood spilling, pleading without words?
But wounds can be blind, too, scarred thick like stone— too numb to flinch, too closed to break again.
And so, silence swallows the echoes, and the heart learns what it already knew— some cries fall softly into the abyss, unheard.
I want my heart to still, to silence the echo of your name. I want my ribs to unburden the weight of love carved too deep.
If I could unfeel, I could unhurt. If I could unlove, I could unbreak. But wishes slip through trembling hands, and prayers unravel in the wind.
One day, perhaps, you will step into my life as easily as you step away. We will fold into each other like pages in a book, then tear apart at the spine, It was never meant to be reread.
I can wish. I can beg the stars to rewrite our fate. But life is not kind with guarantees. And love—love is never ours to command.
Tears linger just behind my eyes, Not born of rage nor sorrow’s disguise. But of comfort, strange and unplanned moments shared with the one who first held my hand.
She was unyielding, with words sharp and bare, no cushioning of feelings, and no room for despair.
“Rid yourself of these emotions,” she sternly declares, “Life has so much more than love’s fleeting airs.”
And I agree—life holds a vast view. But missing from mine is the person I knew. Anger simmers—does she see, does she care?
Or is indifference cloaked in the air?
I wrestle with trust and letting her in. Guarded and vulnerable, where do I begin? If my mother can’t see the ache in my chest, who else could understand and invest?
She should be my haven, compass, friend, and confidante on whom I could always depend. But her eyes brush past the anguish I hold—my love, my loss, my story untold.
Still, I must face her with honesty and grace, even when her warmth feels misplaced. I yearn to impart love and understanding to bridge the divide that tugs at my heart.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I opened a chapter of my life, I thought she might read my words, Understand my heart, Comprehend the weight of where I stood.
But her response? “Throw it away”—as if feelings could be discarded, Like remnants of broken things.
Yet what I feel is not trash. It’s love— Love for someone who was my person Though I was never theirs.
From the sidelines, I hope, I pray for a sliding door to open, To slip back inside the space we shared, To rewrite the story without time’s shackles.
I love him for more than reasons: For the way, he gave me wings. With him, I was me, He made me feel— Butterflies, fire, and untethered desire.
I didn’t have to think; I learned to follow the trail of my feelings, To love him as fiercely as myself. And now, ten years—ten lifetimes—later, When they tell me to discard him, To get rid of a decade’s worth of aching truths, I ask, How do you throw love away?
Love is not disposable. Love is the journey of bruises and beauty, The lessons are carved by pain and strength. Love is grace, It’s kindness. Love is life’s mirror— Love is you.
Society speaks of mothers as those who give birth— But truth sways softly in its quiet worth. To nurture, to guide, to teach with love— A mother’s essence rises far above.
Not flesh nor blood defines her role, But the steadfast care that heals the soul. She whispers wisdom, dreams that soar, And disciplines with a heart that restores.
Motherhood is a mantle, weighted and accurate— It’s the love that embraces when the world is cruel. The one who wakes, who listens, who sees— Who loves without measure, despite displease.
No mistake is too big, no flaw too deep— For her, love is a lighthouse where we weep. A mother is far more than birth and name— Her nurturing heart sets her aflame.
In the stillness, I linger, A traveler lost between roads, Footsteps echo in the same hollow, Dreams perched on horizons untold.
The clock whispers of missed moments, Yet time cradles me, unyielding, Perhaps it’s not the journey that’s delayed, But the strength within is still building.
For how can I sail distant seas, When my own heart lies adrift? The map I seek lies deep within, My essence, my anchor, my gift.
So, I offer my time, my devotion, To mend the threads of my being, Before I chart the stars ahead, And embrace the life I’m seeing.
Moving forward doesn’t mean you have to sever ties with the memories or the feelings—they can accompany you, not as anchors, but as echoes of what shaped you. Acknowledge the pain, but also allow space for new joys to settle. It’s okay to feel afraid; fear has a strange way of signaling growth.
What if you focus on looking within yourself instead of looking towards them? The strength and light that person once gave you might already be within you—it just needs nurturing. Could that perspective help you soften the hurt while still carrying it in your heart?
I tinted his heart with shades of regret, Lost in the echoes of words unsaid. It is more straightforward to break than to mend, Love, denied, refused to bend. Years pass, and the weight still clings, In the silence, my heartstrings sing. Seeking peace in the fragments of the past, Hoping for an opportunity,
It’s another late night for me, with my mind running away without knowing if I will ever stop running.
Apart from hopes, I will stop running because I need a mental break; this is when balance is key for all my thoughts and actions.
Balance is so important to me right now because, with balance, I can find such a firm peace with myself that things that I struggled with I have allowed to roll off my back. I want it to be like second nature sooner rather than later.
That would mean other people would not disturb the peace of mind I am building for myself.
It’s been a while since I put pen to paper, so here goes nothing. 2024 is leaving, and we’re welcoming 2025 into our lives; those who have to leave things behind should and will leave them behind because the whole point of a New Beginning is being able to leave the old baggage behind. I’m saying that all to say that I’m saying that all to say this.
I’m leaving 2024 with a lot of blessings and a lot of opportunities that I never thought in 1 million years I would have always seen, and one of the significant things that I am proud to say 2024 has given me is a new lease on life and the newest chapter of my life. And those who know me know I am a total girly girl throwing through. That’s what I am. That’s what I’ve always been.
For the last few weeks, I’ve been contemplating buying myself a ring—not just any ring, but one that represents recommitment to myself as a person and a woman.
When people or the world chooses to look down at my hands and ask me what that is, I will say it’s a commitment I have made to myself coming into 2025. I’m committing to having the best relationship with myself that I can have. Before I can have any relationship with someone else, I’m committing to putting myself first and foremost.
I’m also committing to being kind and understanding to myself, and I’m also committing to loving and growing with myself as I grow; I know I will make mistakes because who doesn’t make mistakes?
But those mistakes are gonna be my learning stepping stone to becoming a better version of who I know I can be and should be for myself and no one else. Who better to be married to me than me? I choose me for now and forever. It’s all me.
I had to make 1,000,001 mistakes to finally understand how strong I am and how worthy I am of who I am because of what I’ve been through in my life. I wouldn’t say I like giving people credit for helping me become who I am today, but who I am today is not who I was yesterday. I always thought I felt like I needed a man to feel complete or to feel accomplished, but I don’t. I know that I don’t because, once upon a time, I was stripped away from everything I thought would find me as a person and partner. Still, I’m so far away from the person I was, and I’m even shocked to say I’m so proud of myself for coming as far as I’ve come.
It’s great when you have someone to share your life with, and you can have pillow talks at night with that person Because that’s supposed to be your person. Still, it’s also OK to be alone and discover who you are without someone, and who I am is someone powerful, very determined, very outgoing, willing to learn and make mistakes and admit to them when they get done. I’m not perfect.
I have a mouth. I struggle to ask for help because my disability makes me feel like a burden, so asking for help makes me feel like more of a burden. The last thing I want to do is be anyone’s burden, but I’ve learned throughout my journey that if you don’t ask for help, Things will fall apart because everyone needs help.
Everyone deserves help. There’s a difference between helping and handing everything to that person. You can help someone help themselves.
You don’t have to hand them everything for you to help them. I’ve learned that helping me doesn’t mean handling things. It means Just helping me by guiding me and giving me advice whether I ask for it why not. Through my journey of self discovery I’ve learned that I’m OK with myself.
I don’t always have to like myself, but I do have to be OK with myself and right now where I’m at in my life. I’m OK with my self because I know what it’s like to rely on myself and no one else.
At the beginning, it was overwhelming and it still can be overwhelming sometimes, but I have to keep reminding myself I can and I will do what I have to do for myself because if I don’t do it for myself, then there is no purpose to do what I want to do With myself all my life because I’m not doing it for the right reason.
Life should not be about pleasing others. Life should be about living the way I wanna live and discover and be fearless as I’m living the life. I want to live not the life.
Everybody else wants me to live. I’m not gonna lie. I know the reason why my family keeps me in a bubble Because if they’re willing to do things for me, I’m gonna allow them to do them for me not because I can’t do it myself, but because they’re willing to do it for me and that’s my mistake is allowing them to do things that I can do for myself.
That’s why they don’t believe in my independence from them because I’ve had them cater to me for 43 years and now that I’m trying to break free and I’m going to break free With God‘s will. Ms. Butterfly GENESIS
Those who have followed me know I am a disabled blogger, and As a disabled blogger, I share my life with the world. But with that comes a lot of criticism. People think my posts are just me complaining, but I’m trying to show people the real me.
This is my life, and no one else is writing it. Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of this post. I want to hear the words I’m proud of you, no matter what I’ve accomplished.
I want to hear them. I’m proud of you and knew you could do it despite your limitations. But sadly, I’m 43 years old, and I haven’t heard those words from anyone who’s given me life and purpose and pushed me for the last 43 years so I can keep living.
I thought I was here to be as successful and independent as possible, but that’s not the case with my mother-and-daughter relationship. I’m 43, and she’s given up her life journey for me because, like I’ve said before, I’m a burden.
So, she thinks and wants me to believe that, but I don’t because I know I can and will do what I have to do for myself, not anyone else. It drives me crazy that just because I’m disabled, I’m supposed to be a piece of furniture that doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, and doesn’t do anything. That’s not who I am.
I’ve never been that person. She’s always told me out of all my children; you’ve been the most defining child I’ve had because I know I can and will do for myself as much as I can, and the things I can’t do for myself, I will find someone to help me do those things for myself because I know what I need for myself to be me.
As a parent, I’d ensure my child is self-sufficient, regardless of ability. The hardest thing for a parent is leaving a child unprepared for life. I thought our relationship would become simpler as she matured and saw me as an adult. But I’m not a child.
I may need help physically, but I can take care of everything mentally. There’s nothing wrong with my brain. I’m not afraid to learn or teach. I thought I’d told her I’m not afraid to live beyond my limitations. I’m not afraid of my limitations; they’ve become my greatest strength. My strength goes beyond anything anyone could imagine.
Hey, Mom, I have something super important to share with you. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me, but I also think it’s time for us to figure out what we can and can’t do without each other. You’ve given me so much of yourself, and I want you to know I appreciate it.
But I also need to take care of myself and my own needs. I’m not saying I don’t love you, but I need to spread my wings and fly. I know it’s scary to think about being without each other, but I also know it’s time for us to find peace and happiness.
I know you’ve done your part and deserve your time to find out who you are without me. I’m so proud of the amazing person you’ve raised me to be, and I know you’ll always be there for me, even if we’re not always together. Trust yourself, Mom. You’ve done an incredible job, and I know you’ll always be my rock.
I‘m grappling with the reasons behind my high expectations for our meeting. I regret that I placed such a heavy burden on our interaction.
The easy answer or the cowardly answer would be. I’ve missed you for a long time, so I took a leap of faith in something. I had yet to learn how it was going to turn out or if it was going to turn out at all. The fact that I miss you does not hurt. I allow myself to build up all these different expectations because we’re adults, and we should be able to lay all the cards on the table and speak our truth.
Whatever our truth is, that’s what we should speak about. I’m angry at myself for setting myself up for expectations. I’m always the first one to preach about not expecting anything. That way, when you don’t receive what you believe you should’ve received, there’s no disappointment because there were no expectations. The excitement of knowing I would be in your presence again over to my better judgment and memory loss of the times you chose to go MIA on me.
Once again, I’ve learned that having no expectations is better than having some, as I’m tired of being let down. Even with all the disappointments I’ve been through, I’ve always managed to see the good in people. But if I were to disappoint someone, I’d be the worst person alive. Yet, as I’ve learned, it’s better not to expect than to expect something from nothing.
Do you think following your heart makes you stupid? I’m afraid I have to disagree. Letting your heart lead shows you’re willing to embrace life’s uncertainties and to feel deeply even when there’s no guarantee.
Sure, it’s left you with questions and maybe some hurt, but isn’t that part of being authentically human?
Maybe the real issue isn’t that your heart is too open but that others haven’t met you with the same sincerity.
What would it look like to protect your heart without closing it off entirly?
I don’t know you, and you don’t know me personally, and I don’t understand why I feel the need to write to you, but I do so here. I am just putting a few lines together.
I knew of you before you were born, and let me see that when I found out about you, it was a shock throughout my whole body because there were so many different emotions running through me that I couldn’t process everything at once.
From day one, your dad has told me never to worry about you because you don’t care and want him to be happy. This is why I need to write down my feelings on paper.
I owe you that respect. I want to let you know who I am and what I’m about and open up that line of communication between us so you don’t feel like anyone is misleading you.
Since you entered the world, my concern has always been your well-being, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s always been about you, as it should be.
You are probably asking yourself. Why am I taking the time to share my feelings with you? Like I said before, I owe you that respect because you are the most important person in his life, so the most important person in his life. I want to open up that line of communication with you.
No, I’m not trying to replace anyone in your life or become something I’m not. I want you to see me as a friend you can depend on emotionally and mentally, not always physically because the distance is crazy.
Still, anything is possible, especially when someone means the world to you. There’s no distance far enough to keep you away from the person you care about the most, and even though you don’t know me, you have my whole heart.
Your dad and I have known each other for 22 years. That’s a lot of years, a lot of history. There are many good and bad times between times, but mostly good all the way around.
What makes your dad a particular person to me is the fact that he was able to look beyond my chair and see me as a person because I have to be honest with you: not too many people see me past my chair or my limitations, but your dad was one of those special people that was able to do that and was able to make me feel just like any other girl and treated me just like any other girl and because he was able to see beyond my disability, we were able to live out a fantastic romance with no embarrassment no regrets and no hiding.
Things happen for a reason. Every person has a season, and you and your dad had five incredible, challenging years together. If one day you want to know what those challenging things are, you can ask your dad or me, and I will be happy to answer those questions for you. We had to go through those challenging years.
The hardest part of those challenging years was when we finally pulled away from each other because there was a dark cloud of blue over us. We couldn’t bounce back from that, so your dad and I decided it was best if we went our separate ways and continued living our lives, and that’s precisely what we did. We moved in different directions.
To this day, we decided to separate, not because we didn’t love each other, but because we knew things would never be the same. The best thing that came out of our separation was you because he lives and breathes and sees through your eyes, and he sees his peace and gratitude because he has the most fantastic gift any man can receive: that daughter.
I’m grateful to God that he has such a fantastic daughter because you’ve taught him so much about himself and his self-worth as a man and a dad. Of course, I don’t have to tell you how amazing of a dad he is because you see it; you live it every day.
Who am I? I’m someone who shared terrific times with your dad. I loved your dad no matter what he did or didn’t do.
He was always loved and respected, but I removed her from his life so that you could be the leading woman.
I’m so glad that I did that because I now get to see him in the newest chapter of his life, and that’s being a fantastic dad to a daughter.
I’m not going to lie. When your dad told me he would talk with you about me, thoughts started running through my head.
My first thought was what was going through her head as they had this conversation and how much he was telling her about me.
You have always been my priority, even though you don’t know me and I don’t know you.
The main thing your dad and I argue about is the fact that I worry about you too much, he says, and I do because you’re a part of him, so if you’re a part of him, I have to worry because you’re part of him he’s a part of you. You’re a part of him, so I will always worry about you and whether we will meet one day.
You will always be my priority, especially if something doesn’t fit or is not working. I’m always going to make sure that I consider your feelings for the small things, for the big things, whatever it is.
I will always worry about what you think and how you feel. That’s just in my nature, and I’m a Virgo, so Virgos always worry and overthink things, but we also know how to have fun too, and I hope one day I get to meet your beautiful face in person so that we can torture your dad just a little bit.
I hate reliving the past, but it is so difficult not when a simple word can take me to a negative part of something that was supposed to be a dream come true. It was a dream come true the first day I was on cloud nine because my heart overflowed with love.
Anytime I saw our lives together, I saw it through his eyes because having the ability to see through his eyes made everything seem peaceful and grateful. I was selfish because I wanted and needed things to be perfect.
I never really understood what the obsession needed to be perfect until a few years later, I found myself in situations where it was not so perfect for me to be apart.
Not being perfect was out of the question because I did not want him to rethink his choice of being with me.
So, in my mind, I had to be flossed because even though the world never asked me to be perfect, I put pressure on myself to be someone I was never built to be.
MY DESIRE TO SCREAM I PROMISE TO ANYONE WHO IS CRAZY ENOUGH TO READ THIS THAT MY DESIRE TO SCREAM IS A NEED AND JUST A WANT.
I NEED TO SCREAM BECAUSE IF I DON’T FIND THE STRENGTH WITHIN MYSELF TO DO SOMETHING I HAVE DENIED FOR YEARS BECAUSE OF THE FEAR OF NO ONE LISTENING TO ME.
I HAVE ALWAYS SAID NO ONE WILL EVER LISTEN TO MY ACHED HEART, BUT HOW DO I KNOW THAT WHEN I HAVE NEVER TRIED TO LEAVE MYSELF OPEN TO SAY WHAT I FEEL OR IF ANYONE IS SAYING SOMETHING, I AM NOT READY TO SHUT DOWN LIKE A LAPTOP OR AN IPAD.
HOW CAN I MAKE PROGRESS AS A PERSON WHO WANTS AND NEEDS TO LISTEN BETTER TO MOVE FORWARD IN LIFE? I AM CONSTANTLY CHOOSING TO CHECK OUT EVERY CHANCE I GET BECAUSE THAT’S ALWAYS BEEN THE EASIEST THING FOR ME. I DON’T WANT ANYONE READING THIS TO BELIEVE I LOVE HAVING THINGS HANDED TO ME. I WILL WORK FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE AND WANT IN MY LIFE.
WHEN IT COMES TO SHARING MY FEELINGS ON PAPER, I FEEL LIKE I DO GREAT EVEN THOUGH MY ENGLISH SOMETIMES MIGHT NOT BE ENGLISH TO PEOPLE WHO TRY AND READ MY FEELING BECAUSE THERE MIGHT BE WORDS MISSING OR A WHOLE ASS SENTENCE IS MISSING, SO IT THROWS THE PIECE OFF.
EVEN THOUGH THE WHOLE WORLD HAS TOLD ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO GIVE UP SOMETHING LIKE WRITING THAT I LOVE MORE
THAN ANYTHING ELSE THAT HAS BEEN A PART OF LIFE.
PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE LANGUAGES; MINE HAPPENS TO BE WRITING. I COULD AND WILL NOT SEE MYSELF HAVING ANOTHER LOVE LANGUAGE.
I’m blessed that I am going to be blessed to see 43.
It’s a blessing because I was not supposed to make it past a few hours after entering this world.
Coming into this world, two pounds and one ounce, anything and everything is questionable.
God saw something special in me. He pushed me strong enough that I could still be here 43 years later when sometimes I question myself and my existence in the world.
I want to believe why I question my existence when I understand if I can question why I am still here when I have nothing important to show for the 43 years of my life.
The only thing I have to show my 43 years are the scars my heart holds on to from the many times it has been used and abused by the world we live in because my heart has always struggled to see the bad in people.
When people read this piece, they will say, “Stop complaining, and don’t do anything to change your life so you may feel better about it.”
The only response I could give was that I felt stuck within myself. I have imagined many times before where I would have been at the age of 43, owing something that is my own and independently away from my mama, showing her that she has given me many tools to survive on my own.
I will always need to know whether she and I share the same space.
Love is over Reddit, and I am not even worried if love finds me again because the best person to love is me, even though I can be honest with myself and say I have not always been the most loving person to myself.
Once in a while, I might fall back into old habits because I have no clue how to not be hard on myself.
I am expecting too much from him. I am expecting too little from him. I am not expecting anything from you because I am used to depending on myself to be that go-get.
In the realm of words and musings,
A writer's soul took flight,
With a pen as her compass,
She navigated through the night.
'Ms. Butterfly Genesis,' she named herself,
A metamorphosis of dreams,
From cocooned silence to expressive wealth,
Her trademark, a beacon it seems.
For every misspelled word, a story untold,
For every gap, a bridge to mend,
Her grammar not perfect, but courageously bold,
A message of hope to send.
The public's doubt, a fuel for fire,
Igniting her will to prove,
That writing is more than mere desire,
It's where her spirit moves.
Four years of growth, of finding her voice,
Of hard work and financial gain,
She learned that strength is indeed a choice,
And vulnerability is not in vain.
So here's to 'Ms. Butterfly Genesis,' may she soar,
Above the critics, the dark, the fray,
For in her words, we find an open door,
To be ourselves, in our own unique way
Ms. Butterfly Genesis.
As widow's tears blend with the rain,
My heart whispers your name in vain.
Desire's flame burns, fierce and bright,
Yet shadows loom in love's dim light.
Beside you, blessings I seek to find,
A union of body, soul, and mind.
Yearning for the days of yore,
When minds entwined and spirits soared.
A gift divine, this sacred form,
Not to be taken by passion's storm.
A true man walks the path of heart,
Where love's deep roots take hold and start.
In the dance of past and present's embrace,
We seek the touch of a deeper grace.
To know each other beyond the skin,
Where the soul's journey truly begins.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Waiting is a state of mind
A test of patience and endurance
A challenge of faith and hope
A struggle of doubt and fear
Waiting is a game of time
A countdown of seconds and minutes
A stretch of hours and days
A measure of weeks and months
Waiting is a choice of action
A pause of movement and speech
A delay of plans and goals
A postponement of dreams and desires
Waiting is a chance of change
A growth of wisdom and maturity
A learning of lessons and skills
A discovery of self and others
Waiting is a part of life
A reality of love and loss
A possibility of joy and sorrow
A mystery of fate and destiny
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Perfection is an elusive ideal, and real life is beautifully imperfect. Struggling with mental well-being is a common human experience, and it’s okay to have triggers. Remember that you’re not alone in this journey. Sometimes, the most courageous battles are the ones we fight within ourselves.
Your journey with Ms. Butterfly Genesis sounds truly inspiring, and it’s wonderful to hear how you’ve channeled your blessings into creating something meaningful and impactful. Establishing a foundation like Mabel Inc to support individuals with disabilities is a noble endeavor, and it’s clear that your personal experiences have given you a unique insight into the importance of belonging and community support.
Creating a space where everyone feels included and valued, regardless of their abilities, can make a significant difference in many lives. Your dedication to giving back and empowering others is commendable, and it’s heartening to see you use your platform to advocate for such a cause.
In the garden of life, every flower has a place, Where the sun shines warm on every face. Ms. Butterfly Genesis, with wings so wide, Spreads hope and love, far and wide.
Mabel Inc’s doors open, welcoming all, A haven for growth, where none shall fall. Here, every soul, both young and old, Can find their strength, and stories untold.
With every act, with every deed, We plant the seeds of a kinder creed. For in this world, so vast and wide, It’s love and care that turn the tide.
Everyone please do me huge favor go to where it says Mabel Inc on Menu bar give what you can so we may watch my newest baby grow into something special.
In the silence of absence, your presence I feel,
A guiding force, a comfort still so real.
Though you're not here to hold, your love remains,
A beacon of strength, through life's many pains.
For every step I take, for every fall,
I rise with the courage you instilled in all.
In the quiet moments, I sense your pride,
A whisper of faith, always by my side.
With each breakthrough, a piece of you shines through,
In the lessons you taught, in the good I pursue.
You're the unseen cheer, in my life's grand play,
A part of my journey, every single day.
So I'll keep pushing forward, with you in my heart,
Completing the dreams, you saw from the start.
And in every triumph, in each little stride,
I hope you're watching, with eyes open wide.
For you are my strength, not to fight but to grow,
In the essence of you, I find my glow.
Each day a new leaf, each challenge a chance,
To honor your legacy, in life's intricate dance.
**I thought I could be his everything,** **On top of being his everything,** **I could be whatever I wanted to be for myself as well.**
**But in the process of being lost,** **In the process, I gave and gave until I couldn’t give anymore,** **Because I was completely gone.**
**So what else was I gonna give,** **If I wasn’t even me anymore?** **I had no clue who I was gonna become** **After separating myself from him.**
Sometimes, we lose ourselves in the pursuit of being everything for someone else. We pour our energy, our love, and our identity into their needs, forgetting our own. But it’s essential to remember that we are more than just someone’s everything. We are individuals with dreams, desires, and a unique path to follow. Separating from someone can be painful, but it’s also an opportunity to rediscover who we truly are.
Indeed, the role and perception of women have undergone significant changes over time. Historically, many societies had limited roles for women, often relegating them to the background. However, through persistent efforts in advocating for gender equality, there has been a remarkable shift.
Today, the empowerment of women is a central theme, with a focus on supporting and uplifting each other. The recognition of women’s multifaceted capabilities beyond traditional roles is a testament to the progress made. Women are leaders, innovators, creators, and much more, contributing to every aspect of society. It’s a continuous journey towards equality and recognition of the inherent value of every individual, regardless of gender.🌟
Saying goodbye is like unraveling a tightly woven tapestry. Each thread, each memory, clings to the fabric of our existence. The door stands before us, its hinges creaking with the weight of our shared history. We hesitate, fingers brushing against the wood, torn between longing and resignation.
He, a phantom etched into the corridors of our souls, resides in the quiet chambers of memory. His laughter echoes through the corridors, a haunting melody that refuses to fade. We trace the contours of his absence, seeking solace in the familiar ache.
But the door beckons, its grainy surface promising release. We grapple with the paradox: to close it is to sever the lifeline that binds us, yet to leave it ajar is to perpetuate the ache. The threshold becomes a battleground where hope and despair engage in silent combat.
And so, we stand there, caught in the gravity of our emotions. The door becomes a mirror, reflecting our fractured selves. We weigh the cost of closure—the void that awaits—against the burden of perpetuity. The heart, stubborn and resilient, clings to the past, unwilling to relinquish its grip.
Yet, deep down, we know. Draining him from our veins is an impossible alchemy. Love, once infused, defies extraction. It courses through our arteries, a bittersweet elixir. We ache for closure yet fear the void it leaves behind.
Perhaps, in the quiet of the night, we’ll whisper our goodbyes. The door will yield, inch by inch, until only a sliver remains. And there, in that narrow gap, we’ll find our equilibrium—a fragile balance between holding on and letting go.
In the end, goodbye is not an ending; it’s a bridge to another chapter. And as we step across, we carry the echoes of love, the weight of memories, and the promise of healing.
Strength, indeed, is a remarkable form of beauty. It transcends mere appearances, reaching deep within the core of every woman. It’s the quiet resilience that carries her through storms, the unwavering determination that fuels her dreams, and the fierce courage that propels her forward.
Beyond the surface, where skin meets sunlight, lies a force that defies gravity. It’s the strength to rise after every fall, to lift others even when her own shoulders ache. It’s the beauty of scars—etched stories of battles fought and won.
A woman’s power is like the ocean—vast, mysterious, and teeming with life. She nurtures, creates, and transforms. Her laughter echoes through generations, and her tears water the roots of empathy. She is both the gentle breeze and the tempest, the quiet whisper and the thunderclap.
So let us celebrate this unseen beauty, this strength that binds us all. For it is in the quiet moments, the unyielding spirit, and the shared sisterhood that we glimpse the true power of a woman. 🌟💪🌸
OMG, I HAVE SOMETHING TO HOLD THAT MAKES OUR DIVORCE REAl
MENTALLY, I HAVE ALWAYS HAD AN UNDERSTANDING I HAVE BEEN DIVORCED FOR ELEVEN BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE WHO SCREAMED THE WORD DIVORCE AND THREW THE SYBLOM OF OUR LOVE ON THE FLOOR. THEN, I CONTINUED TO PULL HIM APART AS IF HE WAS EMIEM. Instead, I PROMISED TO LOVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. AT THAT POINT, I WANTED OUT BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I WAS CHOKING, AND I NEEDED THE ABILITY TO BREATHE AGAIN. I KNOW I WAS HELL WRONG, PASSING OFF A SMOKING MIRROR OF HAVING EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL WHEN I HAD NO IDEA HOW WE WERE GOING TO MAKE IT. THE ONLY THING I HAVE BEEN SURE OF IS HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. ELEVEN YEARS AGO AND HAVING THESE DAMN PAPERS IN MY HANDS ARE BREAKING ME IN THOUSAND PIECES. WISHING I COULD HAVE A TAKE-BACK BACK, BUT IN LIFE, THERE IS NO TAKE-BACK. WE HAVE TO LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES.
Are we ever to say goodbye to anyone we care about?
I never had the chance to say goodbye. I know I should not feel like you cheated me out of more time with you. But I need to be honest with myself; I feel cheated. My head understands that you and I had no control over the time we would have and would not have.
My heart is a unique story. My heart is wondering when we can share those unfinished moments between.
Who is going to complete those promises that we would constantly talk about?
Who is going to make me laugh and cry at the same time?
I have no one to fight with because you decide the easiest thing to do is give up on yourself without any of the people in your life a second thought instead of updating you on what’s happening in life, which is a little.
I find myself struggling where I am. I know where I see myself and where I should be. The part I struggle with is I have a plan to get where I should be. The old baggage I refuse to let go of is the only thing holding me back. I am terrified to see who I would be without the baggage of pain and everything else that makes up my life. That’s why I am not where I should be. The most significant lesson life can teach anyone, including myself, is not to allow fear to control how we will move in the world.
No one should have a specific reason to have a relationship with God. We should all want guidance and something to believe in. Why not believe in God? God doesn’t give any of us anything we should not handle.
I’ve always been the type of person only to find my spiritual side when I feel like I have my hands tied behind my back, and there’s nothing for me to do but turn to him and hope that he makes it all better.
I don’t want to be that type of person anymore. I look for God when I don’t have a way out. I want to give myself to God because I need strength. I need to know that he doesn’t expect me to be perfect and understands that I need to heal.
I need to heal from all the damage that I’ve been through; for me to heal, I need to allow myself to break into little pieces and then find a way to put myself together, but I won’t be able to do that until I find my purpose or his purpose for me.
I need to understand that before I can belong to someone, I need to belong to myself and treat myself with respect, dignity, and love.
For a long time, I thought that lying was the right thing to do, but self-consciously, I knew it was the wrong thing to do because I knew wrong, and I knew the truth from a lie.
I found it easy to keep the truth from those I cared about and the kids about me. I felt if I was ever to be vulnerable with people about actual things that were happening. They wouldn’t look at me as being perfect or ideal.
So that’s why I would like to protect my image of being perfect and superwoman in many situations and with the people I love most. I have not been in the place I’m in with my life, and I understand that I can’t be perfect; I have to be me.
Being me means not always speaking most respectfully, not always coming across as very educated, and sometimes means being challenged to deal with, trying to guess when I’m lying and when I’m telling the truth, and not being afraid of being labeled a bitch because that’s what I am. one of my biggest challenges are trying to make people believe that I’ve changed for the better, not the worst. I still have a mouth on me; yes, can I go off the deep end? Yes, I still struggle with communication regarding how to express myself more respectfully.
Still, I have no more reason to lie because, for many years, I tried to be perfect, and I wasn’t. As I get older, I care less than less about being perfect and more about being me, but it’s tough when you start something, and that’s all people see you as a liar.
The main reason why people see me the way they do or label me the way they do is because I gave them reasons to label me and see me the way they do. I acknowledge that I accept that, but what I won’t accept is to be victimized by my past that’s in my past, not in my future.
When certain people in my life hear me, don’t listen, but hear me speak on me being there for them or anybody else in my life, they automatically think, oh, she’s talking about money, and I’m not talking about money because many ways you can be there for people without money You can listen to them when they’re going through something you can be there at the most challenging moments in their lives and the happiest as well.
I learned a long time ago. That money keeps no one, and that money is just paper that goes away within 2 to 3 days. I should know I spend it like water, but when talking about being there for someone, I’m talking about being that person’s year.
Hence, they have someone to talk to if they want to talk or if they want to yell or vent or be those arms to make them feel safe, wanted, needed, desired, protected, or just being that face they could look into and know that they’re looking at someone that loves them just as much or maybe more than anybody else could ever.
Maybe I was brought up the wrong way, but I was brought up in a way that you don’t talk about me; you don’t show your emotions. And that seems funny because I’m very emotional, sometimes too emotional, and I don’t know how to hide my emotions because I always wear my emotions on my sleeves.
You could read it all over my face when something is wrong. I’m sad and happy because I show a big contradiction from what I said before. Still, I do not know how to hide when I’m happy, sad, or in love, not when my heart has been broken when I’ve lost someone I care about; that shit is hard to hide.
I am the type of person who, if you’re going through something, I’m going through it with you. I feel it. I experienced it slightly differently than anybody else, but I feel it; I live it.
But I tell myself I can’t break because I have to be vital for whoever is going through something at that particular moment in time. I never focus on myself because I like to make sure that everyone around me is OK and cared for before I can think about myself, and yes, I know that many people who know me would probably disagree with the statement I just made, but it’s true. I think about others before I think about myself.
Sometimes, I wish I could be selfish and think about myself and somebody else, but I don’t have it in me to be selfish; I like to give. Most people call that people-pleasing, but I call it giving.
I’m not expecting anything in return when I do things for others because I know God when my time comes, will bless me in the best way possible by allowing me to enter into his kingdom as the child that I am.
He won’t keep condemning me for my past because everyone has a past. No one is leaving this earth without one. Mine seems to hurt me every day of my life because every day of my life, I’m reminded of the pain caused by the troubles that I did. Still, as I said before, I won’t be victimized for my past.
My past is my past, my future is my future, whatever my future is, that is what it is going to be because that’s what I want to be if that means being alone for the rest of my life and dedicating myself to thinking that I love the most which are writing and of course, being around family then I’m OK with that I have to be and I need to be.
I love who I am with him. I hate who I am without him, but I am better off knowing that the best thing for me is to be without him because I no longer feel like a chess piece; he moves when it feels right for him to move. I hate who I am without him. Love has no rule that says that we have to stay with someone just because we have a love for them.
What can I say? We made it 42 years together and many more to come; in our case, we had no idea we would make it this far. I am when I see Vee. Of course, I’m in my twin brother, the woman who gave us life and gave up everything to ensure we had everything. Forty-two years of life is fantastic because not many people can say, especially nowadays I’m alive when I’m 42 years old, so it’s a true blessing that I don’t take for granted, even though I bitch and complain about certain parts of my life.
I am truly blessed to be 42 years old for movies with someone at 42 years old. I still have the pleasure of having my family, most importantly, my mother; she lives for me and because of me, even though sometimes I act like I’m on the opposite side of the world. I know she loves me unconditionally and also wants to kill me unconditionally. Most importantly, he loves me; I’m on the opposite side of the world. I know she loves me unconditionally and also wants to kill me unconditionally. Most importantly, he loves me.
At 42, I thought I would have everything I wanted: a family, a place to call my own, and someone I could share my life with. But I’ve always understood that God gives us what we need, not what we want, and who knows best. That’s why you give me what I need throughout my family and my friends.
I am grateful that God has blessed my family even though, at times, we fight like cats and dogs. I couldn’t be myself if I wasn’t transparent and wasn’t able to say that we don’t always get along. Still, I sometimes feel left out of things, and that’s because I’ve made it that way for myself.
I have, and I’m stuck in my ways. But in my family, I loved you too, and I need the things that I want to happen as time passes and as certain things change within me first.
GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF? MY RESPONSE IS SIMPLY WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU I’M IN LOVE WITH HIM. YOU INDEED LOVE, AND NO ONE IS TELLING YOU NOT BECAUSE AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A HEARTBEAT LOVE WILL BE POURING OUT FOR HIM. I HATE THAT, BUT GIRL, THAT IS YOUR TRUTH AND ANOTHER TRUTH THAT IS CONSTANTLY HE COULD BE YOUR PERSON BUT THAT DOES HE NEEDS TO BE YOURS. GIRL, THE BLAME HAS TO STOP YOU GOING TO BE 42 YEARS OLD BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. NO ONE PUSHED YOU TO DO ANYTHING YOU DIDN’T WANT TO DO. ALL THE SHIT YOU THROWOUT IS BECAUSE YOU WANT TOO. THAT’S WHY HE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN THE PERSON YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHOW HIM. YOU PRAY FOR THE RECONNECTION BETWEEN HIM AND YOU FOR SUCH A LONG TIME AND FOR GOD TO BE AS GREAT AS HE IS GOD ANSWERED YOUR PRAYER FOR YOU. GIRL, THIS WAS YOUR TIME; SHINE AND SHOW HIM THAT YOU HAVE BEEN THE WOMAN THAT HE BEEN MISSING FOR SUCH A LONG TIME. GIRL, YOU PRAYED HARDER THAN ANYONE I KNOW, AND I SERIOUSLY HAD HOPE. THAT’S WHY I CAN’T WRAP MY HEAD AROUND HOW YOU COULD FUCK UP SOMETHING YOU WANTED MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. IT’S OKAY TO LOVE HIM FROM AFAR. GIRL LET HIM GO AND STOP BLAMING FOR YOUR IMMATURE. GIRL, YOU MIGHT NEVER KNOW TO CLOSE THAT CHAPTER OF HIM. WALK AWAY AND FIND YOUR STRENGTH.
I am trapped in a doorway I have tried to close for many years.
It’s been unhealthy for my heart and soul just because I have poured myself and what I don’t into the impossible.
The part of who I am is I don’t back down from a challenge because, from the first moment I could take my first breath, I knew I was born to be a fighter.
Regarding matters of the heart, I’m a total fuckup because my heart has blinders that part of me is not ready to lift and have the truth slapped in the face.
The process of rebuilding is having the truth slapping me in the face but not all at once, but it is not giving me a choice or how much of it gets in my front.
I guess the moral of my story is simple and that is must put on my big girl panties and challenge myself by facing my fuck up.
I am trapped in a doorway I have tried to close for many years.
It’s been unhealthy for my heart and soul just because I have poured myself and what I don’t into the impossible.
The part of who I am is I don’t back down from a challenge because, from the first moment I could take my first breath, I knew I was born to be a fighter.
Regarding matters of the heart, I’m a total fuckup because my heart has blinders that part of me is not ready to lift and have the truth slapped in the face.
The process of rebuilding is having the truth slapping me in the face but not all at once, but it is not giving me a choice or how much of it gets in my front.
I guess the moral of my story is simple and that is must put on my big girl panties and challenge myself by facing my fuck up.
Maybe I am a sensitive bitch when I know I shouldn’t be because I should be used to it, but no one in the world should be treated like it on the wall. But I am a sensitive bitch because I get tired of hearing when you need a favor; I do it for you. I’m sick of replying to that as if I could do it myself, I would do it myself, and no one would ever have to do another favor in my entire motherfucking life. If I had more mobility, I would not take half of the shit that the world takes for granted, like going to the bathroom by myself, showering, and coming and going as I please, even though I do it with six wheels under my ass, regardless of my limitations. I could never complain about helping someone with fewer abilities than myself. I always think about what if the tables turn on me and I’m the one that needs the help, and I didn’t do anything to help others well; I could help the others. I was busy helping myself instead of trying to help or instill positivity into others by showing them that giving back is very important no matter how little over much you give back. It’s to return from unselfishness because we never know when things might change. essential
Don’t get me wrong; I am that bitch that’s physically challenged but will challenge anyone in the world to live the most fulfilling life despite all my limitations. Despite the many times I’ve had to hear the word in on over and over and over again in my life.
I need to get something off my chest, and it’s essential. We always talk about women’s empowerment, but it’s so easy to break down a woman over any little thing, such as body shaming someone because they don’t fit someone’s stereotype is difficult to believe in women’s empowerment when you have celebrities and Women who choose to break down other women in the same industry as themselves to make themselves look good, or feel good about themselves.
If you’re going to try to break anyone down for any reason, you should turn the mirror on yourself and break yourself apart and see if you genuinely like who you are, as you’re hurting yourself apart.
You would probably figure out that you don’t like yourself because if you did, you would not have the time or the energy to break down another woman. Especially nowadays in 2023.
It’s already challenging for women to make a name for themselves, let alone stand with other women who feel they have the power to break others down. So why break another woman just because you’re hurt as a woman?
As I said, if you can’t break yourself down as a woman to see your flaws, another female has no right to breakdown down that female and expose her flaws.
As women, we get a lot of slack for being called petty and just straight-up bitches, instead of trying to uplift who we are as women and show the world that we deserve a spot in this world, not because we’re petty bitches. Still, we’re strong and stand up for something, which is what women’s empowerment is supposed to be about.
Don’t get me wrong, I won’t say that I don’t enjoy celebrity lives because that’s what I follow on my social media apps, and that’s what I report on. However, I hate when the same women who choose to break down other women speak on woman empowerment.
Instead of doing the truth of women’s empowerment, they instead take the lowest of women’s empowerment and prove to the world that women cannot get along or have the ability to uplift each other without being jealous.
I also understand that being 41, I shouldn’t look into a celebrities life and have them show me what women’s empowerment is being 41 and disabled. But I know what women’s empowerment is, and that’s not putting another woman down but trying to uplift, teach, and be there for one another, whether you like the person or not.
Just be there, and as women, we need to stop playing like we’re still in high school and realize that every single woman is different from each other, and we find ourselves in different stages in our lives. That at every single step that you might be at or I might be at, but that doesn’t mean that we have the right to put anyone down for whatever reason; uplifting is the key, and if no one understands, there’s no truth to woman’s empowerment.
Every day should be a woman’s day. Women are the true meaning of strength, perseverance, and resilience. But unfortunately, for many years, women were meant not to be seen and never heard. We were allowed to have opinions or thoughts about anything, but today’s women, it’s all about independence being fierce, being your boss, and writing your own rules. Women are no longer just lying down and caring for it for what it is. They’re making things happen for themselves; most importantly, we finally found voices. We have no fear of speaking up for ourselves and making our presence is known anywhere we go, and we can do and be anything we want without a man by our side. Women are powerful. Women are intelligent. Women are sexy. Women on nurtures. Women or mothers. Women or wives, but most importantly, we on our own abilities to be independent women.
March is the month of Cerebral palsy, and for those who don’t know what that means, I don’t look at cerebral palsy as a disability but as an ability to do things the world said I would not be able to do.
Cerebral palsy occurs during birth, and that’s what we do during our difficult entry into the world. I say ours because I share a womb with my fantastic twin brother. We were born at seven months, weighing in at two pounds one ounce each, with no clue that we were coming in with any struggles at the time of our birth. We had four older siblings in a country where health care was impossible for everyone. Our diagnosis six months after our birth shocked our family because my mom was constantly under high-risk care until our birth date. As a mother, you could never imagine being wrong with your babies after experiencing four normal home births. The most shocking thing was that it was two instead of one. God knows why he chose our amazing mother to face such a challenge with special needs children. The biggest challenge I struggle with being disabled is not being treated like a human because of my disability. We should look at each other’s abilities before anyone’s physical challenges.
The only time the world can hear us is when we realize that our voices are the most vital tool we can have as humans. Speakout. SpeakUp Voice matter because we matter no matter what the world thinks of us.
I need to stop wishing and start doing what I need to do to make those essential changes in my life.
Throughout my life, I have come to terms with the fact that I could not or should not try to change someone just because I would love for them to fit a mold that I probably can’t do myself.
When anyone wants, change begins from the inside out, we could always try to look beautiful on the outside, but if we don’t work on our insides, the outside will not matter.
The key to practicing the chances among us is taking ownership of the things we struggle with.
There is so much bullshit going on in the world beyond my heart. But I seriously can not help and feel like I’m losing my fucking mind because there is no off switch to my brain or way to erase who and what he was in my life. If I dare to erase that part of my life, even though it’s painful for me because my heart still loves very blindly, this type has taught me that I’m hell-strong and I was blessed to find my person and enjoy moments that no matter who might be crazy enough to step up and do better. It won’t happen. I firmly believe in people having one chance to find their person. I found my person from the moment we locked eyes. We had terrific moments. Even though we shared a wonderful moment, that wasn’t enough for me to ask for what I thought was best for the person I was back then because, back then, I refused to rock the boat. After rocking the boat the way I did, I came to terms with the fact the person I chose to let go of my person. It was too late to get back to the person in life. What made this person my person was: He studied me and knew who I was before I could figure out who I was for myself. Our love was one of a kind in our book because everything happened so quickly, and the best part about it was that everything we were was like a great puzzle piece.
Dragging myself so I can gather myself so can become whole again.
Feeling whole again is important because that means I can sit in my shit and forgive myself for those mistakes that have helped me become the person I am today.
Who I am is working on progress which is not scared to keep learning so that I may be better than yesterday.
I lost myself while trying to please everyone in my life or around my life.
The funny thing is that while I try to find myself again, I am losing the people I have spent years trying to please.
I’d rather have me thanpeople constantly waiting for me to please them instead of pleasing who I’m trying to become, who is grateful to be with herself.
I constantly complain about how tired I’m of someone’s afterthoughts. I just came to a realization, and the first thing that slapped me in the face was that I needed to stop playing the blame and own my shit. The shit I need to sit in; I become an afterthought to others because I have been an afterthought to people, in general, is a vital lesson. The lesson is one day could learn how to put myself first without the guilt I feel whenever I try to put myself first. Of course, what can I accept from other people if I am an afterthought to myself? I am no longer going to be an afterthought to myself.
I am a working progress. I am enough. I am putting all the love I would pour into others just because I matter. I matter because I’m human, and I can acknowledge the best version is not being perfect but being myself, including my flaws.
Home is comfy.` Home is safety. Home is love. Home understands that no matter how badly I could mess up, those arms will welcome me back and let me know everything will be okay. Home has never been perfect; home is what I have made it to be, and the main thing I have completed my home, home to be is something unstable because I love to push my boundaries. Still, even I can say I have gone too far with my limits; that’s why finding a place in what I call home is challenging. Places, people, and things have limitations, and we can push until we can’t push anymore, but there is no grant that we won’t be left alone because we took it upon ourselves to go overboard.
The moral of my story is I pushed until I could not push anymore, and now that I want to find my place at home, I don’t have one. Too much damage has been done, so the home I once knew of love is no longer love but a lot of what-ifs.
If we don’t want to lose what home is, we have to understand what home is and what home brings to our souls.
I can’t be scared of who I am. I am not a superwoman, even though I love playing someone who can and should be able to do it all. Women have been seen as weak beings that should be seen and not heard for centuries. It’s taken me 41 years to discover that my voice matter. I’m not going to lie and say that I still struggle with people listening to me and also realizing that I should not kill myself to be everything to everyone else in my life if I won’t be everything else to the person I am.
My wheelchair is a part of my everyday life. But, unfortunately, it isn’t my whole life.
First and foremost, I am a woman, and sadly, the world won’t see that first.
I’m not going to apologize for my disability ever. But, unfortunately, my disability will be a big red stop sign for some people to get to know my abilities and my Non-abilities just because it is easier than trying to get past that sign.
I’m not going to lie and be like I’ve never been down on myself because of the things that I feel I missed out on because I understand that I have physical limitations.
That other might not have, but that same limitation that I have pushed me forward to keep fighting and to keep needing and desiring and wanting, just like Any woman in the world.
Everything this seems impossible is possible as long as this changes and growth. Nothing in life is impossible, but if we make an unbelievable, we’ll never see the possibility we want and what we need from ourselves and everyone else around us. We are the only ones that turn the impossibilities into two possibilities of happiness: success and acceptance.
She is insignificant. She is worthless. She has no value in my life. No matter what she tries, she will always fail simply because she is a failure. He might be her happiness, but she is not his. Those are wounds that bleed every time she leaves herself vulnerable to him, understanding that she does not mean anything to him and never will.
Please my mind Please my soul Please my heart And then you can please my body with the connection like no other of two souls becoming one. A link that no man or woman is strong enough to break because it’s a connection you and I only share. No one will ever know or understand our inside jokes, And most importantly, no one will know your deepest secret.
Suppose I ever lose you for whatever reason, whether it’s my fault or just life happening.
In that case, I’ll be losing my dear diary, the one that holds me and doesn’t let go, the one who understands without judgment, the one that’s not afraid to tell me the truth when I need to hear it and even then when I don’t need to listen to it as well.
So thank you for giving me time to discover who I am and what I want to be as long as I continue on this earth with you, and as I continue on this earth with you, all I know is I want to continue being a better me. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Words only become powerful when we, as people, give them.
As people, we have to know that we are the ones that decide how much power we give each word that we speak into existence.
We also determine if we will provide these words with positive or negative emotions and why we must think before we go off like a crazy person with no type of brain cell.
Throughout my life, words have had many ways to hurt because I have let others’ opinions hold me down.
In the same way, people have hurt me with hurtful words. I have hurt many people with unthoughtful words and unwanted actions that follow my words. I have to understand that no amount of apologizing I might bring myself to do will erase the effects of the words I use to break them down to make myself feel better.
Sometimes we say hurtful things so others may feel our pain. In reality, we need to stop hurting others because we have hurt ourselves to stop the circle of pain.
Damn, the worst thing anyone can hear is I must prepare myself to deal with her. So I want to ask, what does that mean you must prepare yourself to deal with her?
I already feel like I’m a burden to everyone around me. So when I hear someone say, I must prepare to deal with it. What the fuck is that all about. We live in a world where we don’t have to deal with people we don’t want to. We choose to deal with people we don’t want to deal with because either we don’t think highly of ourselves, or we just genuinely can put our differences aside for moments and see them as humans.
I’m over the top. I require more than most people and what I mean when I say I need more than most people is that their hands become minds their legs become mine as well. My body works differently, just like every other body works differently than mine. I sit in the seat that I sit in with pride. It might not seem like it all the time. Still, I’m very proud of sitting in the seat that I sit in every day because people’s ignorance pushes me to continue to do my very best and continue to wish those who see me as something they have to prepare for nothing but the best in their lives.
Happy Father’s Day to all the fantastic fathers worldwide and those wonderful mothers with no choice but to be both fathers and & mothers”s their children.
Any man can make a baby, but it takes a remarkable man to be your father. Just because you make one doesn’t make you one. You have to be there every day and every night and be what your father probably wasn’t for you for your child.
Father’s Day is funny because I have a Father, but people do not believe me just because of how I choose to express myself about the man that is my father. Not to mention, my mom has been the only person I’ve seen daily for 40 years.
For little girls to believe that no matter what, we’re going to be daddy’s little girls forever might be true for some girls but for me, it’s a different story.
My story is simple my dad was around for a while, then he just disappeared before I could even feel like a daddy’s girl.
I will not discredit him from being my father because that’s what he is, but I was never daddy’s little girl. But, still, I’m not going to blame him either for that because now that I’m older, I understand that you learn from what you see, and if you don’t have a father figure in your own life, how can your father your child if you we’re not fathered yourself.
I can’t be mad at him because I don’t know his upbringing or what he is like as a father figure. But, on the other hand, I am angry because instead of stopping the cycle, so probably starting it with him, he chose to keep the process going by not being a full-time dad and watching his children grow up and love him like all fathers should be loved.
If we can wrong our rights, do it.
If we can say I love you to someone we haven’t said today, let’s do it. No matter how we might feel about that person deserves to know that you love them. Whether they give it back to you is a different story. As long as you do your part and tell them that you love them, that’s all that matters.
No matter what, I love my dad because, without him, I would’ve never been brought into this world, And for that, I honor him.
He probably wasn’t the ideal father I would’ve chosen for myself, but as the world says, you can select the people that will be your family or be a part of it. So overall, he is my dad because he deserves to be acknowledged today and every day. After all, he’s my father.
This means people in my life and those who have not been a part of my life for several years need to realize that I am 40 old with no type of shame in my game.
I chose to blog about parts of the world because I always felt like I had something to say and could inspire people to share pieces of my life with the world.
I am going to be as blunt as possible my blog has become my bread and butter, which means I will not allow anyone to come between my dream come true.
I have waited a long time to be recognized as a freelance writer, and I did not have to open my legs to be blessed with the opportunities God has blessed me.
I”m not that two-year-old girl she met. I understand her eyes. I would be that little girl, but I’m not 40 years old, so there is no need to run to my mama and snitch. How old are we? I am grown. I have gray hair in place I believe I should not have, but I do.
Running to my mama is not cool because I’m a 40-year-old woman who has lived and done things with my life. I will not apologize for living a grown-up life even though the people around me continue to see me as a little girl. When I began my blog, I thought about anyone in particular; all I thought was the fact that I needed an outlet.
I don’t know how people can try and be all in my life and can’t even handle their stuff. For 40 years, I have been begging the world to have a life of my own.
So if ya’ll don’t like what I post on anyone of my social media platforms, jump off and stay off. Come to me before going to my mama because, like it or not, I’m an adult.
I’m not speaking from a mother’s perspective but a daughter’s perspective; why do mothers only deserve one day to be honored or celebrated.
Mothers deserve more than one day to be kept and shown how much they are loved because to be a mother, women have to learn how to be selfish and put a human life inside of them for nine months first, for now, and forever.
Being a mother to a bit of a human being is a 24-hour job with no vacation time and no sick time, and we have to find a way to squeeze in some self-care time for ourselves after a tiny human comes into the world.
The minute women find out they’re expecting; we learn how to become overprotective even before entering this world.
We want to protect them and make sure they feel loved and wanted even while they grow inside us and make us feel different feelings and take over our bodies, but it’s so rewarding to know that we have a human heartbeat next to ours.
Mothers should be honored every day because a mother is a gift that is never replaced no matter. But unfortunately, my mother and I have a relationship out of the movies; we don’t know if we are coming. So, we have to fix our shit because she needs to be proud of whom she raised as a person.
I stab myself every day with the reminder of not having you a part of my life.
What I saw as a simple mistake was life-changing for all of us because as I sit here today, I always go back and what if in every situation I go through every day.
There is one thing I am sure of the life-changing situation that would’ve never happened; we would’ve lived happily ever after.
Of course not perfect to me because every road is rocky, but even if it had been rocky, we would’ve been solid because we would have been fighting for ourselves.
I am single. I’m unavailable to the world because I am getting to know who I am without the definition of someone else.
I’m Single because I need to put myself back together to be whole for myself.
I’m single because I want to see what someone can bring to the table before I leave my card out on the table. It’s no longer going to be 50-50. It’s going to be 100, 100. We should both give the best of each other to each other.
I am single because I choose to be alone. Everyone’s always afraid to be alone, and I’m not because being alone has allowed me to see what type of woman I am and what I’m capable of when I don’t have somebody holding me down.
Single life can be the best time in anyone’s life because this is the one time we get to Discover. Who we are. and the things that we want for ourselves? Before we commit ourselves to someone who truly has no idea of what we want or what we are looking for because we have not even taken the time to figure out what we want or what we’re looking for when it comes to a partnership.
I want to believe that I’m using this time wisely, and what I mean by that is I am in a place where I can say I’m strong like myself every day. I discover something new about myself every day; I challenge myself by doing something different or being more open-minded about certain things that I would never be open-minded about.
One of the most important things I’m learning about myself through this self-discovery is that I’m more than capable of taking care of myself. As I said, I might not be a millionaire, but I can manage myself and manage whatever comes my way because I am strong, I am wise beyond my years, and it’s OK not to have an OK when I feel like the world is caving in on me.
As long as I’m strong enough to come back and face the world in the world is ready for me, I’m good to go. I never knew how strong I was until I had to be. If it wasn’t for my faith-testing me every day and showing me that I could get through anything as long as I believed and put my trust in him.
Thank you for testing my faith and giving me my confidence in myself, and then you support me through anything that seems like the impossible thing to get through.
Sometimes in life, we let particular things in our own lives discourage us from what we want for ourselves. I know it’s easier said than done to say don’t let things prevent you away from the most positive things in your life.
Sometimes we hope and pray that somebody brings this positivity.
We have to find our positivity and what brings joy in our lives. What gets me happiness today doesn’t necessarily mean it might bring somebody else happy.
My joy knows that I can be creative and express myself through words. Words have a lot of power, but actions are a lot more powerful.
If your words don’t match your actions, it’s not going to mean shit because when we talk about words and actions, it’s like putting a puzzle together want all the right pieces to fit in the right places; if they don’t, that means starting from scratch until they work in the right areas.
If your words are not going to match your actions, you might as well not save them and hope and pray that you can find another way to show who you are as a person.
We give words power and strength and action, so let’s use words wisely and Kindly before throwing them out there like they don’t mean anything.
Nothing I do with my life will ever make sense to anyone, and at this point in my life, I’m not looking to make sense to anyone but myself.
I understand why I get myself into situations. After all, I always dive in headfirst because I want what I want when I want it. But, unfortunately, I’m not the person to sit there and explain why I like what I want.
I’ve never been the type of female to say this is why I want this. So instead, I say I like it, trying my hardest to get what I want.
I’ve gotten a lot of the things because God has blessed me with them. However, my determination does not allow me to tear away from what I want; it might not be conventional for the rest of the world. It doesn’t have to be both of me; it’s right; it feels right.
I’m going to go with what feels suitable instead of being conventional. Everybody else might think I don’t care what anybody thinks; life is about being able to write your own rules and then follow them.
There’s nothing more straightforward when you can create your own rules and follow them because you know what you expect from yourself and no one else.
We live in times where nothing is conventional loan days, so why do I have to submit this box of convention all of a sudden because of what the world might say or think of me as a person.
As I become more transparent, I want people to know that I am not a conventional person.
I’m a person that goes on impulse. I fight tooth and nail for everything I want and have, and I believe that God has a huge part in everything that I say aspire to be I want to do with my life.
The most important lesson I want people to take away from this piece is that we must write all the rules and live by them because that’s the only way we can be happy.
I find myself in the place where I’m asking myself where, when, and how I could end up here again.
I find myself in a bowl of different emotions hoping to Unroll all these other emotions that have rolled up in a giant ball that might drop at the edge of a dime if I am not careful.
Many people would ask why when I opened the door again for something; I was so determined to keep it closed because I hated what I was becoming and felt like no matter what I did or said, I wasn’t going to be good enough or sorry enough to move forward.
I know then no one is ever supposed to say never, but when it comes to certain things in my life, I know I could never say because I heard from my horse mouth.
Even though that someone has and was able to bring me joy at a particular time in my life. Where I am in my life, I don’t know if I am working on impulse when I decide that I would be okay with opening that door again?
When I opened the door to that someone, I thought I had most of my inner struggles under control. But, honestly speaking, I don’t have shit under control.
I am someone that seriously prides herself in having control over certain things in her life because physically, I don’t have control over things because I need so much.
Love and my heart are the only things I control over who and when I decide to give them away. When it came to my person, I felt like I didn’t get a chance to decide because my heart did it for me.
I want to ask questions, but I want to get answers, but part of me is not ready for those answers because I’ll get the worst before getting if I ever get the best.
Closing a circle is always tricky because you don’t know where or how to tie off the loop.
Family is supposed to mean unity but unity means different things to different families.
My family is like a popularity contest of who’s the favorite and who is the family’s black sheep, and guess where I fall in my family’s line.
I am the black sheep of my family because I don’t have a bond like everybody else does with each other. I don’t have a bond with the family because they’ve made me feel like an outcast.
I can’t be trusted by saying things about my character like I am big or a liar.
On top of all the character bashing, I feel like the most significant burden on everyone.
They can smile at me like the rest of the world does but talk shit behind my back, but when I tell them how I feel, I’m wrong because I shouldn’t feel that way.
I’m not allowed to feel that way because of everything they’ve given up to take care of me.
I’ve always said this, and I stick by my statement, I never asked to be here.
That was a choice that was made for me before I was even thought of, and I’m not going to feel bad for speaking my truth, just like when they talk about me being a liar, me being a bitch me being difficult. As much as I would like to be a part of my family, why would I want to when they have such a dark perception of who I am as a person.
The main reason I can be who I want to be with my friends is that my friends have no judgment of me and don’t make me feel indifferent to them.
My disability has never defined me, but my family has allowed my disability to determine how far I can go in life.
I’m not about to do that to please them. I want my own life. I deserve it; I have earned it.
I’ve given them 40 years of my life; I’m not about to give them another 40 years. I became an adult, mind, body, and soul; the god blessed me at 21 years old. I did not use marriage to become emancipated.
Honestly, my mother forgets that marriage is emancipated in every way possible in the state of New York City. So I feel like whoever reads my following statement will feel some way about me, and I can say I don’t give fuck.
Yes, true, my mother has dirty hands; wiping ass broke her back; caring for me like no other person would give me the best years of her life. Caring for who everyone sees today, and I am blessed and grateful.
If I may be truthful, I am sick tired of the constant guilt of how grateful I should be because she chose to put her life on hold for me when it is my turn to live without feeling like I am stopping everybody else from living there extraordinary lives.
Try me in any way, and you’re going to find out who I am and what I’m capable of.
Box me inside a box because I’m different, and Society doesn’t accept those who are different. So I will break through the chest and show Society who I am as a person. But, unfortunately, if I try to explain to Society who I am rather than showing them who I am, they always try to keep me in that box of unwanted things or necessary things to look at.
I am someone who wants to be wanted, and it is necessary to look at it because I feel you can learn so much from me about what my life has been like. One of the most important things that I want Society to know about someone like me is that the word no does not mean much to me; it just pushes me more challenging to
what I want, how I want, and when I want to do it.
Anybody that has known me for a while has known that I’ve been through hell & back.
Last few years of my life, I’ve taken this time in my life now to do a lot.
That means spending time asking myself the most challenging question in the world.
One of those questions is, what will I do with the rest of my life? I sound like I have it together for most people because I’m doing things that make me happy, such as blogging every day, making videos, and all of that good stuff.
Then, when I have a moment to think to myself and have a chance to reflect, this is not how I saw my life being alone at the age of 40.
I thought I would’ve had my own family, better yet, just a place to call my own because, to my surprise, I’m still at home with my mommy.
I’m not embarrassed to admit that, but I don’t want this life, and it’s easy to say what we don’t wish to than it is to say what we want.
If we don’t like something, we have to try our very best to change to get what we want, and positivity is key to getting everything that we wish.
Still, then again, I have to remember that God doesn’t always give us what we want; he gives us what we need some, assuming that God still thinks that I still need to be mommy’s girl because he has me still living with her.
She still sees me as this vulnerable little girl who can’t and will never be able to take care of herself, which is far from the truth.
I will never be able to physically 100% be able to take care of myself, which I’m aware of.
Still, I can make it out on my own I need a chance or an opportunity to be on my own.
Not because I want this family situation anymore. I know too many people I’m going to offend by saying this.
I’m 40 years old. I’m not trying to bring a baby into the world at this age in my life. What I would enjoy is a life partner who supports me, gets me can laugh and cry at the same time with me, who doesn’t pass judgment, and most definitely does not care about my past.
So my biggest goal being 40 is success at my level; whatever level that is, that’s what I want. I want to financially say I can take care of myself just by speaking about my life.
I think my life is so fucking exciting, and I’ve always wanted to share pieces of my life because of everybody.
I have ever come across has always made me feel like my life is so much better. After all, everything is given to me.
I don’t have to worry about anything because it’s just taken care of for me, and that’s far from the truth.
I love work; whether blogging, I make videos to make videos. I enjoy what I do. But unfortunately, I have a passion for money is not the best right now.
If you don’t enjoy what you do or are doing it for the money, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons, every single piece of my life. I share something personal; something intimate I didn’t start blogging because I thought I would make thousands of dollars or open up online stores.
I thought I would make thousands of dollars; no, I did that because of disabled people.
Don’t have many opportunities, so we have to take all chances to survive in this cruel world that does not work except for us for who we are. I love riding.
I might not always write correctly, but I love to do it. So, I find myself in every piece I put together.
I hope to inspire someone else who feels defeated and thrown away with every work I put together by society.
I am not going to play the blame for the way I feel about the way I think of myself as a woman.
No one has ever obliged me to do or stay in a place I do not want.
All my choices for myself have always been in mind, body, and soul.
If I continue to make the same mistake or relapsing is not because I care about who likes me.
Chapter 40 is about loving who I am and realizing that I’m not going to be perfect, but I will keep becoming a better person no matter how many times I fall off because I will always be strong enough to get back up.
I feel worthless not because anyone has made me feel that way but because I have been allowed to be in a place useless people never seem to leave.
This message is for the whole world. If we allow others to make us feel useless, we will enable them to.
If we no longer want to feel useless, we need to stop giving up or power away.
When I decided to brand myself as Ms. butterfly Genesis, it was not to change my identity because I’m still me.
I just wanted to see if I could build something from nothing I have.
I’m very proud of it because I’ve expanded my blog; into what I believe is a fantastic podcast and created a YouTube channel that pushes me out of my comfort zone.
I’ve never felt comfortable speaking in front of a camera. But, still, I’m doing it because I believe in myself, and I believe in what I’m doing, whatever this is supposed to be, because I’m learning as I’m going along.
For those who don’t know me personally, I’ve always loved writing, īt has always given me a fantastic outlet to express myself properly incorrectly. I’ve always loved to put my thoughts to pen and paper.
I never saw myself doing anything else that had nothing to do with writing Because writing is the only way I’ve been able to find myself. I love doing it whether it sounds Like I’ve been properly educated or not.
I have a passion for words, and words have helped me with so many stories and hopefully inspire other people.
Words are compelling; they can break someone or build someone up and help them through something difficult.
I came up or had help coming up with Ms. Butterfly Genesis because I have always felt like a prisoner of my own body.
A butterfly can fly free with no worries, judgment, or ridicule someone else’s.
The trademark means Ms.butterfly genesis has been fantastic for almost two years because it allowed me to express myself in ways I never thought possible I might not be rolling in money. Still, I am proud to say that I’ve done everything out of enjoyment and because I want to inspire other people.
I never thought about becoming famous; I just thought about allowing myself to do something that I love and enjoy, which is writing and having the ability to post most of my life on social media.
I also look at it as when the world doesn’t want to give you an opportunity because of your limitation. You have to make your opportunities by finding a passion that you have and making something out of nothing like I’m doing with my brand, Ms. Butterfly Genesis People who know me might think this is funny; this is something just for me to do for fun, but this is something I’m passionate about. I believe that it might not be huge, but it’s something I’m proud of, and I stick by it because I did it.
I’m not looking for validation, but I am looking for some type of respect when it comes to the things I’m trying to build around the brand.
Thank you for reading and listening and supporting me throughout my journey of being a blogger and for being able to tell my story my way. I hope you guys did more to come.
Sometimes, to detox the negativity in our lives, we have to have the strength to realize that things or people make our lives very toxic.
Toxicity’s it’s like a significant roadblock for anything and everything you might want to do with yourself. The only way we can on unblocking those roads is by watching who or what is holding us down beside ourselves Is the fear that we have of moving forward.
I have to detox from certain people in my life because then I am holding back, but the feelings I have for them are holding me back from moving forward in my life and reaching a happy place in my life, a place of completion and having a full circle with myself.
So the only way I can come full circle with myself, it’s finally detoxing myself from those memories in those feelings that haunt me every day of my life because I allow myself to.
For many years I feared letting go because letting go facing things alone, and who wants to be alone?
Even when I had the opportunity to share my life with amazing people, I still felt alone.
I would not allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone because I was terrified of judgment this is not being understood for the person I was.
Even though I struggle to figure out who I am and what my primary purpose is today.
I don’t want people to misunderstand me. I love being able to blog all day long about my life.
I enjoy blogging because I share very intimate parts of myself with the world, and I hope that by doing so, I’m helping someone in the darkest moments, even in the happiest moments.
In this self-journey that I have going with myself, it’s difficult for me to say that I’m 100% happy, honestly.
I have good and bad days, and I realize it’s OK when I’m not OK. This journey has been incredible. Let me understand that no matter how much you want something doesn’t mean you’re always going to get it.
You can change 1001 things about yourself, but if no one’s willing to remove The negative image of who you were from the person you are today, it’s difficult for anyone to move forward.
It’s also challenging to continue to say I am a different person, but if I’m still showing my ass as if I were the same person, I was running away from life.
Words don’t mean much these days is; the actions behind those words speak volumes of the type of person I am becoming, and I’m working very hard on keeping around.
I have so many people in my life. I had hurt those who genuinely tried loving me for me when I had the strength to be the real me. I could honestly say no one knew when I was trying to be the real me because I developed such a lair reputation that made it difficult for anyone to trust me.
Now that I have this time of reflection, I can’t help but think how fuck up I am as a person because I was able to lie, feeling no kind of remorse about who I was hurting.
Even though I felt no remorse at the time, I was hurting myself at the time for not allowing myself to be my authentic self. After all, I always thought that people would not like my authentic self because I have struggled to like myself.
So I would project my dislike about myself onto others, not understanding that the only thing they were trying to do was love me if I gave them a chance.
I could be sorry until I am blue in the face; that doesn’t mean that anyone should forgive what it does mean when someone is being honest with you, you should give it right back.
Reflection time has left me wondering what if and wishing I could go back to that one true love.
I don’t know to feel today, but all I know is I feel like a ball of emotions. Today is one of those days that pass me by, and I have no clue where it will end.
I would love to set straight if I have been on this journey of self-discovery, and the most important thing I have learned about myself is that I am finally at peace with myself, and I don’t give a fuck who likes me. But unfortunately, I am not usually the one that handles it to be appreciated by the world because I understand I am not going to everyone’s cup of tea.
I have to enjoy who I am right now and who I am today as someone who has every day struggled to find the strength to fight for myself. Finally, coming to terms that the world is always going to have its opinion about me, and if I am going to survive this ugly world, I need other’s opinions people to roll off my back. Yet, I continue to push forward with life like nothing is bothering me.
If I allow other thoughts of who I am or who I should get to me, I won’t be valid to the person I am trying to become, and that person is someone who needs to be at peace with herself and owes no one any type of explanation of who or what I am doing with myself.
If you try to change for someone, they are not genuinely excepting you for who you are.
Yes, compromise is a big thing in relationships, but you should not change your whole existence for someone is not trying to see beyond those flaws.
They’re so focused on changing who you can fit into the mold of who you should be with them.
I believe anytime we try to fit anyone’s perfect mold, one of the most critical questions we should ask ourselves is how important it is for us to work in that ideal mold?
I’m so proud of myself. I just overcame a milestone. It’s not a secret that I struggle with being a people pleaser because I need everyone to like me, and I just wanted that feeling of acceptance. I am in the journey of finding out who I am as a woman and as a person, so at this point in my life, I can’t hold anyone in my life who does not want to be a part of my journey of figuring out who I am.
Before realizing that I needed change in my life, I would do anything, and I know it doesn’t sound good when I say I would do anything to make sure the people would see in my life just because I needed to know or I needed to feel wanted by people in life.
So I would try to meet the needs of those people because I want to like myself, but if I can be honest with myself right now, I never had the self-esteem I portrayed out in public.
Another thing I struggle with is saying no to people because I don’t want to let anyone down, and saying no is letting those people down.
My chapter 40 no longer cares who will stay or go because I’m not willing to be that yes person Because I’m afraid of being alone. Sometimes I might slip off the right path because I’m not perfect.
I’m at the point in my life where I don’t care who likes me who doesn’t care who believes in my changes which do not if I have to lose people throughout this new journey of mine so weird that means they weren’t meant to be in my life forever and that’s cool because nothing is forever.
Happy Galentine day to all my beautiful single ladies. I’ve always been a firm believer in only using a particular day or a memorable holiday to say I love you to someone.
We have had a crazy three years with Covid, and we should not use a day late Valentine’s Day to say I love you to someone. Instead, we should say I love you as much as a heart’s desire to say I love you.
Love is a fantastic process, but it’s hard work, and part of the process of love is knowing the first person you must love is yourself because if you don’t love yourself or you don’t attempt to love yourself, how are you going to share your heart with anyone else.
Being on this new journey of learning how to love myself even on my worst days, I am learning that I should build the best relationship I can with myself, and the only way I can do that is by giving myself self-care and self-love.
One of the things I’m in the process of dating is myself and spending time with myself getting to know myself in ways I never thought about getting to know myself.
Not everyone is perfect; people should not strive to be perfect. After all, when we strive to be perfect, that’s when things tend to fall apart.
In reality, no one’s perfect if I have learned anything at the beginning of this journey is that I have to love myself with all my flaws and realize said I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea.
Still, I am damn sure my favorite cup of tea because I’m not trying to fit that mole of being perfect and being untouchable that’s just not me.
I’ve made my mistakes; I’m learning to hold myself accountable. But, unfortunately, I’m also allowing other people to hold me responsible for my shit.
The amazing thing about love that is apart is forgiveness, and before anyone can forgive me for my shit, I have to forgive myself for my shit.
If I can’t forgive myself, how can I expect anyone to forgive me for any wrongdoing I’ve done? But, I’ll continue to do it because, throughout this journey, I realize I’m going to have minor slip-ups here and there.
I’m not going to be completely cured of the bitch said I was born to be, but at least I know the roots of my wrongdoings. So I can acknowledge that is nothing wrong with asking or admitting that you might need outside help once you can recognize that you open up a whole new world for yourself, and I believe that’s what I’ve done.
Nobody wants to be alone, especially not on Valentine’s Day, but if I think about it, I’m not alone because I have always had myself and the love of those who genuinely love me.
I felt that having someone was enough or sometimes wasn’t enough for me. I just never treated myself with love and respect as I am trying to work on myself right now—happy Galentine’s day to all, my beautiful ladies and couples around the world.
If I am incomplete as a woman to myself, how can I pretend to be whole to the rest of the world? I can’t be a complete woman for the world and part of it.
Taking accountability for not knowing who I am or what I am looking for as a person or woman makes me incomplete. When I understand who I am, I can understand the type of woman I want to be for myself.
I can’t just say that I need to take accountability for my mistakes or me not feeling complete as a woman.
The only way I can accept accountability for anything I found in my life Or anything I’ve done to others who have not deserved my bad behavior.
If I can be honest with myself and say and admit to myself that I was in the wrong, I need help figure out why I would behave the way I act towards myself and others trying to be there.
The only thing that comes to my mind when I begin to think about my behavior is my acting out towards everyone who has tried to make it into something that I don’t want to be or never allowing me to find who I am as a person.
It’s crazy that I know who I should be to everyone else in my life.
I should be perfect for making up that I am not physically perfect to the rest of the world.
When it comes to who I should be to myself, I’m clueless because I’ve been so many things for so many people for so many years.
After all, I am a major people pleaser. But, I’m slowly walking into who I should be for myself, and the main thing I should manifest for myself is happy with myself.
My other manifestation for myself should be having my voice and not giving a fuck about what anybody thinks about me, all the things I have to say simply because no one lives in my skin.
Everyone has the right to use their voice, but people must understand that their voices are a powerful tool that can make or break people.
We have fought long and hard to be heard, so now that we know that we can speak our minds, we should do it but in a respectful way so everyone can be heard because a lot of us miss using the power of voices to break down those who don’t have the ability in their voices.
I want to look back because I felt I could get that incomplete off my heart, and all I believe I received was a sense of a stupid woman.
Stupid woman because I choose to feel inadequate about holding on to the vague feeling over what was once my marriage.
Now that I have realized that feeling of incompletion is or was going to be a part of my life, I need to find peace within myself and understand that everything doesn’t need to be complete.
I will never fix my past, but I can grant myself a fantastic future.
The only way I can have a future with myself is when I begin to forgive myself for all my bad behavior and not accept myself just the way I am.
If I’m going to be my authentic self, I have to let go of being perfect for the world. When being perfect is not being genuine.
This-where I am mental; this is everything I feel when I hear the rest of the world laughing and talking.
I want to scream to the rest of the world what about me, but then I think to myself, what the point of screaming it out to the world is?
What about me if I’ve never felt like I had anything good to offer anyone, just my nasty attitude and my way of pushing people away.
I can’t, or I shouldn’t scream.
What about me if I don’t allow anyone to get to know me or listen to me when I need someone to listen to me.
I can’t complain about feeling abandoned when I have emotionally left by cutting myself off from people and family.
My main excuse for cutting people off emotionally has always been that no one understands me or hears me when I try to save something; it might not be necessary to them.
But, still, it’s important to me because it’s whatever I’m feeling or whatever I’m going through that needs to be said.
The feeling of rejection or just being turned away is overwhelming to me.
So that’s why I have emotionally cut myself off from tagging myself to anyone because I don’t want anyone to let me down emotionally.
I cannot emotionally keep abusing myself and blaming it on others and, in the same breath, reach out to the public.
For the public to be primarily connected, they must be at its transparent as possible and be willing to open the door to the hearts.
When I can’t do the same for myself, I can’t open the door and enable people to see me.
I can’t continue to preach to the public about being fearless when I am afraid of being bold about who I am and what I’m feeling, and the things I might be going through emotionally.
Since I turn 40 years old, I’ve been screaming from the top of my lungs this is the newest chapter of my life, but I’ve realized the only way this will be the latest chapter of my life is if I practice what I preach.
If I don’t follow through with what I preach to others, then chapter 40 it’s just like the rest of my life. It’s a circle did never ends.
But I am choosing today to make the circle, and because today, I’m choosing to stop abusing myself emotionally, and I’m going to be more open to the possibility of allowing the public to see me.
So that’s what this whole blogging journey has been about people seeing me.
I have tried to be Bold but couldn’t be because I always worried about hurting someone’s feelings.
All my life, I have been taught or Intimidated by the fact that I always need someone for the rest of my life.
Therefore, I should not try to bite the hand that feeds me or cleans my ass.
So what that meant for me was to suppress a lot of my feelings internally into myself and blame myself for a lot of the things and a lot of ways people would make me feel because I was not allowed to bite that hand.
So keeping that in mind, I learned how to walk on eggshells with people, including my own family, because I understood I needed Them more than they needed me to be around.
Holding back my emotions has limited me from communicating with others.
I don’t always communicate in a way where I am understood right away, and sometimes I feel like I try my best to speak; I get lost in my communication.
I lack the most in contact is the wrong wording and how I phrase things to people.
bold
outspoken
fearless
unbothered
understanding
opinions
disagreements
These are the steps that anyone, including myself.
It needs to go by anytime we need to communicate our feelings to the world.
Stop feeling apologetic anytime anyone’s feelings get bothered by my Opinion just because of the fear of not having my back up to help me with my need every day.
I already have so many things in my life that intimidate me; why should I speak up for myself or share an opinion about something?
It should scare me as well.
So no way I have a voice, and I’m not going to use it if people want to join the ride; please do, but if you don’t get off before I ride off.
Dear self you’re so good at giving everyone advice, but I don’t understand why it isn’t easy to take your advice.
You know how to uplift the world with all your positive thinking positive words, but who is there to inspire you when you need uplifting no one because you make it seem like you have all together on the outside but, you know, on the inside, you live in a hot mess.
Don’t be afraid to show yourself the same tough love that you give to everyone that comes to you with the need of Tough love. But, if you’re going to be a preacher about self-love and tough -love, you have to be able to do it for yourself.
Figure out why you cannot love yourself the way you show the world that you love yourself; what is it about yourself that you believe you’re not worthy of love yourself. Of course, you are worthy of loving yourself, but you have to figure that out for yourself; no one can tell you or show you how to love you as well it’s a process that you have to figure out for yourself and do for yourself.
I guess it’s true what they say I deafly have to fake it before I can make it, so I still have to show that I’m strong and that I love myself until I finally get to the point where I can honestly be honest with myself and say that I love myself.
Loving myself is letting go of all the negativity that holds me back from loving myself honestly the way I deserve to be loved and understanding that I can’t find true love in anyone else but myself.
Finding Knowing Understanding Acknowledging Pushing beyond all obstacles that say no while I say yes, I will. Yes, I will be true no matter who I hurt in the long run. Yes, I acknowledge I’m not perfect, but I never tried to be perfect because becoming perfect is like living in a bubble. I already live in a bubble because the world sees me as a fragile glass that can break at any moment. I understand that sometimes my emotions can get the best of me, and sometimes my feelings don’t allow me to think clearly. I know I should consider before for speaking but it’s difficult for such emotional person like myself.
I’ve said this in plenty of my other pieces. I am the type of person that needs to be liked by everyone and excepted by my family.
Everything I have tried to do with my life is to get somebody’s approval or somebody with validation on who I am as a person.
Coming into my 40s, I’m to the point where I’m tired of fighting and feeling like I need this person to like me, or I need my family to approve of the things I want to do with my life to feel like I have support.
So here now, I don’t give a fuck if you like me; if you don’t like me, I don’t even care about them supporting me.
One of my biggest insecurities, and I’ve never said it publicly, is I always care about what people think about me and their perceptions of me.
I need to keep reminding myself every day of my life as long as I’m here at the People’s perception of me should not matter and should not validate the person I am and who I’m becoming.
I’ve always walked on eggshells with my family because they’re my source of caregiving; they are The Who dirty their hands, wiping my ass every day.
So I should have some loyalty to them. But, in reality, just because they wipe my ass doesn’t mean that I have to agree with everything they try to throw at me, and that does not mean they have the right to belittle me as a person.
Just like my family should not have to put up with with myself disrespectful ass when I want to be a bitch coming out my mouth knowing that at the end of the day I’m going to need them.
My validation has become within myself and no one else I’m a grown ass woman despite the fact that someone always has to wipe my ass so with that being said the validation stands with me and then anyone else.
Christmas, I believe, has been very much commercialized. I also think that everyone has lost the true meaning of Christmas. I’m 40 years old. I was a little kid; I had everything about heart desired more.
Thinking back on those times, I can’t believe how lucky and how blessed we were as children coming up in those times because right now, there’s nothing more that I wish but to go back to a time, So I meant to enjoy my innocence and enjoy building more memories with everyone around me.
Nowadays, it’s all about the latest technology, the latest clothes, and just everything up-to-date what’s the most expensive thing you can get a child, instead of teaching our children about building memories making memories.
But, one day, what does having the latest technology and the latest clothes mean? If the people that genuinely have one’s heart are no longer here with us to enjoy those things, nothing.
I guess what I’m trying to say with this piece is that we have lost a tremendous number of people who had no reason to lose their lives for almost two years now. I’m no longer here with us; this is why I say Christmas should be about the family.
I am mad at myself because I’m 40 years old disabled, and I still live with my mother.
I’m at a point in my life where I can’t even stand being with myself because I’m aggravated at the fact that it seems like I will never get the chance to know what it’s like to be independent.
I know that I will never be 100% independent because of my limitations.
One of my biggest fantasies is having a place I can call my own; then I can make my own rules come as I, please go with that please and not have to worry about the woman that gave me life things up waiting for me to put me back into bed.
Like I said in the first few lines when I first started rambling, I know I’m never going to be 100% independent.
I’m always going to need someone to be by my side to get along with my days and nights, but I still would want something that’s mine that would be a significant accomplishment for me.
It would be such an accomplishment for me because I doubt that it will happen for me one day, and I have the rest of the world letting me know that I will never find that independence that I am so desperately looking for within myself.
Keys inside my door. In my own space where I could set my own rules, I know that I have no one to answer to at the end of the day but myself.
Freedom from A life of someone else micromanaging every move, every decision you should be able to make on your own but don’t because you don’t want to step over anybody’s toes.
I was having something of your knowledge and understanding the struggle it took to get it, but worth it because no one can take it away from you.
You have the guts to step out on your own while everyone else around you is praying that you fail.
Also, understand that once you step foot outside the bubble that has protected you for 40+ years, you can’t go back to no matter how hot it gets out in the real world because not only do you have something to prove to yourself, but you have something to prove to the world.
I choose to say world because when it comes to the disabled community, the world hasn’t been very understanding and very friendly to us. The world has never made us feel a part of them; they’ve always tried to put it in the corner where we’re not seen or heard. It’s time for that to change, and the only way it’s going to change is if we continue to fight for independence away from all loved ones and even institutions that try to keep us from living quarters’ entire everyday lives.
I want my own because I know and understand that my mother won’t be around for me physically for the rest of my life, and yes, I have siblings. Still, as much as I love them and they love me, no matter how much of a bitch I am, I need something of mine.
I need to do it now while she is still alive and can see it for herself, but even though I need help with everyday living, I can live on my own because I can handle my own business.
I don’t want to do it after she’s gone. I need it, and I want it now.
I know her biggest fear when she is no longer with me is that no one will take care of me the way she does.
She’s right; nobody will take care of me the way she does, but she needs to understand that with her or without her, I have to get my life, and the only way I can do that is by breaking free.
I’m taking a step out in the real world without her.
If, in the end, it is a mistake, so be it, but it’s my mistake to make; she can’t protect me and will save me forever.
So I need to learn how to do those things for myself.
It’s incredible what happens between two people when there’s no real conversation. It’s taking me 14 to 15 years to realize this person will never be my person because of my unruly mistake.
I mistake I regret every day of my life, and I punish myself for every single day because instead of living my happily ever after, I’m still looking and wondering if that could’ve been with him.
I don’t know if my final words to him were that anger or out of pure frustration because I’ve prayed for a very long time to God to bring him back into my life.
I guess God finally got tired of hearing my prayers that he brought about, but the only thing is that it wasn’t the same, and I understand it never be the same.
So I don’t know what I was hoping for when he came back into my life, or maybe I know what I was hoping for, and I am 100% disappointed but not surprised how things came about.
The light finally went off in my soul no matter how sorry I may be or how much I believe I’ve changed; he will never have the ability to see that because he hasn’t been able to forgive me for my biggest mistake and my biggest regret ever in life.
I know I was the one that changed the course of both of our lives, but I never thought that things could not get better one day; I wasn’t asking for the same item or the same person; I was asking for an opportunity. End up with me to show my growth as a person and a woman, but he always knew that the chance would never come.
So I stayed around because I’m a firm believer that only the strong survive, and I’ve always considered myself a strong person, so I thought, and I believed that one day that he slowly open and allow me in some ways.
I’m not worthy of him loving me the way he was dead, but I am worthy of him trying to forgive me so we can figure how to move forward without forgetting where we came from because, in life, you can’t move forward if you don’t know where you came from.
He and I went from a very dark place in our lives, but we both became strong people because of where we were and what happened to make us the strong people we are today.
Teachable moments happen every day, and it’s up to us if we accept them at teachable moments in our lives.
Life is full of teachable lessons, and it’s up to us what we take away from those lessons that life is trying to teach us.
For example, one of the biggest lessons that life teaches us is that not everyone is perfect imperfection is what makes people.
It makes us different from each other and makes us accept our differences to love each other and learn from each other.
One of the most important lessons life can teach all of us is that we can learn from each other and each other’s mistakes and grow and make sure that whatever we learn from each other, we continue to pass it on as knowledge to others.
Another lesson Life has educated me is that love is about pain and growth because we almost go through some discomfort when it comes to love to grow as a person and grow as a unit.
Love is also about making mistakes and learning how to forgive, not forget, but we will use love’s pain as educated moments in life and make sure we don’t make the same mistake twice.
The tricky part about saying I’m sorry is that many people use it as a Band-Aid to cover off their mistakes, and once the Band-Aid is ripped off, the error repeats itself.
If people value the word, I’m sorry, people will never commit to making the same mistake repeatedly, but it uses it as a tool for growth and education.
It’s more about how I feel when I don’t talk to him.
I couldn’t even imagine not speaking to him for as long as we did not. I guess what made it a little easier when we were not talking was that we were heavily involved in different relationships, and I wanted to move forward with my life. Even though I knew that I could never be with anyone else, that was not him.
Anyone asks me if I have a legit reason to stay away from him, my answer would have been yes, but I don’t because my heart would no longer beat if he weren’t around.
Despite all our back and forth, I can’t, or should I say, I don’t want to see myself doing life without him for two reasons I feel at home when he’s around.
He can finish my thoughts without me speaking to him, and everyone in the world looks for someone who can look at the other person know what the other person is thinking or feeling without saying, and that’s what I have with him.
He is everything I wanted, but I’m a grown-ass woman, and I have to take responsibility for why he and I are no longer together.
I always knew how to a bottle of my feelings. Then exploded with no return, and that’s what happened to me.
I could never be as transparent with him as I am today. I was scared of losing him, so I just kept playing as superwoman while on the inside; I was dying, and I was falling apart, but I couldn’t share it with my partner because I didn’t want to seem weak, incapable of being with him.
So I kept my feelings and my emotions to myself. Until the disastrous nightmare of me exploring, I was finally letting everything out.
It wasn’t the right time or the right place, but I didn’t know how to contain myself anymore.
That was going to be someone that I would spend the rest of my life with and that I was going to build a family, but I couldn’t tell him all I felt until I exploded.
I can imagine people reading this would be so confused about building a family with whom I couldn’t communicate my feelings.
Still, I’ve always been the type of person never to share my feelings or thoughts because I’ve always felt that no one is interested in knowing how I think, so whatever I might be going through, I keep it to myself.
I know my last statement will confuse the shit out of people because how could I not speak my feelings verbally, but I could write my feelings out on a public blog site with no problems, no fear of judgment.
My life has always been filled with contradictions, and I guess this is one of them because I don’t want to bother people with my feelings, but I don’t mind sharing my thoughts on a public blogs site.
Where strangers judge me on everything that comes out of my mouth because it’s not always perfect, but my feelings are shared.
One mistake changes my life for the rest of my life. My life has never been the same because I’ve never allowed myself to feel what I feel for him for anybody else. After all, he means that much to me.
I prayed that one day he would come back into my life and forgive me but never forget what I did, and in some way, we could start from scratch because that’s something my heart always desired.
My prayer came accurate after 15 years, but we haven’t started from scratch because his heart doesn’t want me. His soul belongs to someone else, and I’m not worthy of him forgiving me for what I did. But I also can’t keep punishing myself for something that happened 15 years ago every day, but he tells me he loves someone else. So it’s like punishing me because all I want to do is be with him no matter what he says.
I wish he could love me or at least allow us a second chance, but as I said in the previous lines before, I know I’m not worthy of him giving me a second look at me differently just because we’re older now.
Even though he doesn’t see the difference in me, I’ve been able to change because we can talk about things, and we have been able to be transparent as we want to be with each other without worrying about who’s feelings will get hurt.
Yes, I still have a mouth on me, and my mouth still finds ways of getting me in trouble, and it’s true that when it comes to change, I do it in my own time. But, if someone else wants me to do it, I feel prepared to make those changes for myself and not anybody else.
I need to love myself a little bit more. But, I can only do that by realizing that I need to let him go as much as I love him.
I’ve always been scared to let him go because he’s such a big part of my heart, but now I understand that for me to love myself, I have to be able to say goodbye now because I want to but because I have to. I have to find myself without him even though I know how my life is without him, but I can’t keep holding on to all of that doesn’t want me just because I like it.
Love is strength.
Loves is faith.
Love is loving yourself and understanding; that no one can give me my worth.
Love you telling the truth even when you don’t want to hear it.
Love is loving the imperfections we all have and not trying to change who we are just because love is in the air.
When will love not that your door is full of pain and magic?
If you can’t feel pain, that means you have not experienced real love. The love with pain is worth it because it’s awful beautiful, magical, incredible root word rewarding when we can find the one. It
Being the one is being the one you can’t live without.
Being the one, you can’t breathe without.
Being the one is knowing that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with that one. You’re ready to wake up every morning to the same face as long as both of you have a love for each other.
Being the one is being strong, knowing that not everything will be perfect, but it’s going to be accurate, and we’re going through it together.
You are theone who’s been willing to know that everyone comes with imperfections and does not mean rejection. What it means is acceptance for precisely who you are and what you are.
It is being the one who understands that everyone is going to have an opinion.
Being the one is having the strength within yourself to know and understand the love has its ups and downs, but through the rough water’s that any relationship goes through, both parties should not have the ability to walk away until everything is a workout. So we end up saying, I love you.
However, I have never been quite sure what his goal has been since I was born.
The only thing I have been sure of is having that gift of sharing my story on my blog and showing the rest of the world that the disabled community has a story to tell, and no one else doesn’t know our stories and struggles better than the ones who live it.
The world wants to believe that we should be put away or don’t want to better for ourselves because we already have so many limitations to who we are. My boundaries have made me strive for the best because the world doesn’t accept me to want the best for myself.
Self-love is essential because the only way we can learn about self-respect.
Rejection is a part of life, and as people, we have choices; one of the choices we have is to take the rejection for what it is and not do anything but continue to feel like a rejection.
Or use the worse feeling ever in the world and turn it into a positive note.
Positive means that everyone does fall it is about how we choose to pick ourselves back and make decisions for ourselves.
Throughout my journey of finding out who I am as a single person, I realize that I’m better off alone than with someone who will break me down with their negative.
I also have to own for never learning about letting go of wanting to let go. Sometimes is more a lot for others to let go of than it is for me. I have no clue why it’s so tricky to let go when I feel like people have no problem throwing me away as trash.
Letting go is difficult but not feeling worthy is more debilitating to my soul.
I have no clue why I decided on 11/16/21 to write him a love letter, but I am guessing there is no wrong time to write a letter to someone you saw forever.
Love hurts like hell because you have the strength in oneself to open your heart up and allow that other half in. But, unfortunately, everyone always speaks on the beautiful sides of love when it comes to love, but no one ever speaks on the struggles it is to get to those beautiful sides of love.
Everything that was once ugly can and will become beautiful because as long as we take it upon ourselves, nurture and give it everlasting love. When I think of love, I think of home.
He was able to add things to my life that I did not have until he came long, such as believing in me and pushing me to heights. Falling in love was crazy because all I ever saw and was him. Every day we challenge ourselves and the relationship until one day, I took it too far to the point of no return. No return never meant I deserved it because everything changed in seconds of our lives, and when coming upon change, it should be for positivity, but the difference was far from positive.
It was life-changing in a sense; I was empty, and I hit some crazy bumps on looking for something I already had but had no idea what I had until he was gone. Things never made sense to me after he was because I never wanted to leave. When he left, I took a considerable part of who I was with him.
This letter is on how to destroy someone whose hearts I can’t take back in any way, but if someone could grant me my last wish, I would be so simple that it is a do-over, just that one nightmare. It’s been 14 to almost 15 years since the last time we were together as a couple, and I am still in love with him. But, I guess the most amazing part is that holding to this love seems to damage people, and it also makes me look like I am strong enough to let of a love that doesn’t want me the same but holding like if I could do better for when I know can.
Even though I can do better, I feel I am better because he could go through all the bullshit with him. I never had to speak because I always knew what I was thinking and feeling just by one look. While I was trying to be the perfect person for him, everything was falling apart around, and I could not stop. I understand if I allowed myself to be loved by just being myself, we would have gone the distance. If he asked me to be his wife, I would do it again without a second.
I‘m not worthy of him or him loving me, but I secretly pray for him to find someone to see him the way I see him and love him unconditionally because everyone is worthy of knowing that feeling.
I was lucky and blessed to experience our kind of love, the type of that that took me by surprise because we were going to be nothing but friends. Love surprised us and guided us through another pathway that only allowed us to see each other and no one else. The best part about the love we once shared was that I always knew he was my person.
Now that I no longer have you, I wish I could have used my time the right way. At this point, what would have been the right way to spend our time together. Time with you seemed like quicksand; it seemed like no matter how many memories you and I tried to build, time was against us.
I am missing you more every day. Wishing and hope we could have had more. I love you. More time to be your forever, and you be mine forever. Now what keeps me going is knowing that one day we will finally be each other forever.
I am not the best writer in the world, and I’m not trying to be.
When I decided to pick up and pen and put it to paper, I knew that I was going to be sharing my imperfection through writing as far as my grammar is concerned, and I have been okay with that because no matter how I choose to share my story it’s going to be in my style.
It might not always be written the correct format, but at least I am doing something I am passionate about.
So many people enjoy reading about the different chapters in life and the different relationships I have had through life.
If I have to be honest, I am torn in placing blogs under construction to have someone look over the pieces of my life and make them look readable and perfect.
I am far from being perfect; my imperfections give me the ability to write as roar as I need to be to connect and share myself with the world.
My imperfection has gotten me this far, as well as the readers that choose my blog to follow.
My heart is in a million pieces, but it’s no one else fault but my own. I need to detach my heart from feeling anything that could be hurting me, like love is pulling me.
If people don’t allow themselves to go through pain, there is no growth within ourselves as humans.
Pain has been a part of me since birth, so people would think how much more pain I would need to continue growing within myself.
I would love to believe that my heart pain has taught me that I need to be selfish with myself and my time.
The pain teaches me how to have a better relationship before dreaming up any future relationship with anyone. The pain in my heart has also taught me how crazy strong I am to keep believing in love.
Keep love in my heart because if I don’t, that means in some ways I won’t love myself enough to know that most important person I must love myself.
Call me bipolar because my emotions have a way of going up and down, or sometimes I find ways of going back and forth on my feelings like a scared little girl. Yes, I am 40 years, but I have the right to be afraid because I have not had control of my emotions.
UPS AND DOWN EMOTIONS BACK FORTH LOVING HATING INCOMPLETE LONELY
IF THINGS MAKE ME BIPOLAR, THEN I HAVE BEEN BIPOLAR ALL MY LIFE, AND I AM GOING TO OWN IT. I HAVE MADE MISTAKES IN LIFE, AND I AM STILL A MAKING PROCESS WHICH I AM STILL GOING TO HAVE SOME BUMPS ON THE ROAD.
So I AM GOING TO EVER BE COOKIE-CUTTER PERFECT. I AM ALSO NOT GOING TO ALLOW ANYONE TO HOLD MY MISTAKES OVER MY HEAD.
I CARRY MY MISTAKES AND THE PAIN OF MY MISTAKES EVERY DAY.
THE ONLY THING I HAVE BEEN CONSTAN ON IS WHEN I CHOOSE TO LOVE, I LOVE HARD, AND I ALWAYS KNEW WHO I HAVE LOVED NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME HAS GONE BY. EVEN THOUGH WE BOTH LIVE SEPARATE LIVES.
No one would ever have to say they deserve better if they understood that beginning better is within themselves. Saying I deserve better sounds great, but how can we get better when we have no clue what better can be for us. The searching process of getting better begins with us, but a lot of us believe when we say we want better for ourselves, it means that our better should come from someone because we always rely on someone for everything that has to do with emotions.
Honestly, better does not happen overnight; we have to go through a strict checklist of things that would help us deserve better. Searching for in my 40s has led me to understand that it starts with me and ends with me. Better I now and forever is being able to live for myself and understand that the world is going to have an opinion on everything the job I have is to live my life. The other part of me deserving better is being strong enough to be selfish with myself and my time. Deserving better is understanding that I win every moment I wake up because I have been blessed with another day. Deserving better is understanding that as long as we don’t give our power away, no one can or should break who we are.
I’m good. I’m OK. I”m fine. I am happy. A smile so no one wonders about my unwanted tears in my eyes constantly crying every night because I fear to say I’m not OK because in society says it’s not okay to say it’s not okay Please don’t make it OK within ourselves to say we’re not OK, so that’s why when people ask, are you OK? The quickest response we can say is yes; I’m OK even while the world around me is caving in, and I’m looking for a way out of me not being OK. Mine not being OK has nothing to do with people; it has to do with me and maybe not strong enough to say I’m not OK, But here now I’m permitting myself to say I’m not OK so anyone finds some self not being OK it’s OK not to be OK what’s wrong is not saying I’m not OK.
It’s easier to give in to those things that come more accessible than work for the things we want. Personally feel that if we do not work for the things that we want those things that we want in our lives, we lose value because we didn’t do anything to give it worth for us to have. To give something we want value or worth, we must work it to the core and make sure that we pour everything within ourselves into the thing we want the most. So we may watch it grow and expand into something beautiful and something untouchable by others. If everything is handed to us, how will we ever learn the value of a genuine diamond when it’s given to us, and we have done nothing to earn it or cherish it.
I should not be just an option. I should be that first choice. I should be your first thought in the morning. I should add to your last thought of the day. I should see the reason why you decide to smile when you do smile. I should be the reason why you feel complete as a person. I should be the reason you understand the true meaning of love.
I should be for you all the things I should be for myself before I ask you to be any of those things for me.
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 