I lost myself while trying to please everyone in my life or around my life.
The funny thing is that while I try to find myself again, I am losing the people I have spent years trying to please.
I’d rather have me than people constantly waiting for me to please them instead of pleasing who I’m trying to become, who is grateful to be with herself.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
It’s been two years since the last time we said goodbye I have no idea what to say or how to feel that you don’t already know or haven’t seen for yourself since you’ve left us.
Two years and it seems like it was yesterday that everyone that you ever loved or ever touched in the special he was there saying their goodbyes and me whispering, I love you hoping that you would’ve heard those words coming from me.
I needed you to listen to those words coming from my mouth because I didn’t want you to feel like you were alone.
As your body was getting ready to leave the physical world, my only concern was letting you know how much I loved you and how much I was going to miss you.
I know you have no choice in how or when you decide to leave us.
But, still, I do want you to know something our lives will never be the same because you were the glue that held a lot of us together.
Now that we no longer have you, it feels like it’s time we fall apart because you were. I will comment denominator, but now we don’t have a common denominator that was you.
Two years and I’m still wondering if that hole that you left in my mother’s heart will ever be filled again, and will she ever be the same person she was before you left.
She puts on a brave face because that’s all she’s knows because she refuses to show pain.
What can I tell you about myself in the past two years that you haven’t been here? My personal life is a hot mess, but knowing you would smile and giggle and tell me when you will get a boyfriend.
As you laugh, my only response would be Guy, way too much trouble; I’d rather be alone, and Knowing you, you would have agreed with me and told me not to waste my time to focus on walking.
Of course, I will smile back and say I will, and you were Giggle.
My personal life is not something to be spoken for.
But, still, everything else that I wanted to do as far as blogging YouTube being it’s going pretty well, and I’m proud of myself, and I know you would be proud of me too because I’m finally doing something for me I wish you were around to see it all.
I miss you every day, every hour, every minute. I no longer know how to say I miss you.
Grandma 👵
Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴
I did not have to look back.
I want to look back because I felt I could get that incomplete off my heart, and all I believe I received was a sense of a stupid woman.
Stupid woman because I choose to feel inadequate about holding on to the vague feeling over what was once my marriage.
Now that I have realized that feeling of incompletion is or was going to be a part of my life, I need to find peace within myself and understand that everything doesn’t need to be complete.
I will never fix my past, but I can grant myself a fantastic future.
The only way I can have a future with myself is when I begin to forgive myself for all my bad behavior and not accept myself just the way I am.
If I’m going to be my authentic self, I have to let go of being perfect for the world. When being perfect is not being genuine.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
She extends herself with kindness.
She extends herself with love.
She extends herself by being that backbone none ever is to him.
How and why? Is she going to continue to extend herself in any way if he is not going to pour the same into her? Everything she once ran into now, she is going to pour it into herself and pouring into someone who will never appreciate. Is sucking her lifeless, wondering if it was ever worth it.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Broken
Shattered
Blinded by what she thought was love but turned out to be a reality that she had lived just without the large bank account or whatever her heart desires like a shopping spree.
Spiritual broken because she finally thought she would have it all & finally be proud of the woman she felt she had become with all the unbelievable mistakes she had made throughout her life.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Hating our bodies is wrong because we have always been made to believe that our bodies are our temple. Yes, I agree that my body is a temple, so I should respect it; maybe if I had a somewhat working body where I may do more things independently away from getting assistance all the time.
Then maybe I would care a little more about my body the way I should. But, damn, here I go again crying over something no one else or I have control over & that’s my body. I would like to have control over something without asking for help when it comes to my body.
The change goes hand & hand me one day to help myself with little or no assistance from others. It sounds like a dream come true when I find myself thinking & speaking so positively.
But that’s not my reality because it’s not my life at all. My life right now is feeling stuck in the wrong body & there is nothing I can do to change that.
I need to stop being angry with my body.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
Daddy and I always think about who you would’ve been and who you would’ve become.
As long as I have a clear mind, I’m still going to think about the day I decided not to give you life because of my selfish reasons and his maturity.
I always think about if we were ready to take our relationship to an intimate relationship, we should’ve been better prepared for you, but we weren’t.
We were not prepared for you, and thinking about it, I don’t think you would’ve been prepared for us either, but that doesn’t make me feel better about the choices we made when it came to you.
You were human life.
That deserve to live and earned to see what the world had to offer and what we had to provide for you as parents.
To know that I could have you inside of me was crazy because I never thought it was possible, but it was possible.
There’s not a moment that I don’t feel guilty for making the choice that I made without thinking about the outcome and how I would feel as I continue to live my life wonder what if.
I understand as long as I wonder what if I am not really living or along my path to move forward, but I am at a point in my life where I wish I could go back and Choose you Because having you would have meant that anything was possible.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis �
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 