I don’t know where to begin, but I must say something. Something is better than nothing. And this—this is everything I’ve been holding in.
I miss you. Unbelievably. More than my heart can contain. Yes, life keeps moving, but it’s harder now. Harder to start the day. Harder without our girl talks, the ones that made everything feel lighter.
I never wanted to disappoint you. But I know I did, while you were still in the physical world. Still, my intention—always—was to make you proud. Proud of me. Proud of the relationship we built, year after year, moment after moment.
And even now, I feel you. In every step I take. In every decision, good or bad. You’re still here, in some strange, beautiful way.
I know there’s only one thing you’ve ever wanted: To see your family grow. To watch love expand in ways you never got to witness. And I know you’re watching. I know you’re still hoping.
So this is my apology. To you. To the version of me that let fear win. I’m sorry for disappointing you. I’m sorry for not taking the opportunity you gave me on the other side. I’m sorry for self-sabotaging something I wanted so deeply.
But maybe everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason is love. Maybe the reason is growth. Maybe the reason is that we all want the same thing: For him to become the best version of himself. For him to find his person. And he did.
So as you look down from wherever you are, Please—make sure his dreams come true. Please—keep guiding me, even when I stumble. Please—know that I love you. And I miss you more than anything in this world.
For a long time, I thought that lying was the right thing to do, but self-consciously, I knew it was the wrong thing to do because I knew wrong, and I knew the truth from a lie.
I found it easy to keep the truth from those I cared about and the kids about me. I felt if I was ever to be vulnerable with people about actual things that were happening. They wouldn’t look at me as being perfect or ideal.
So that’s why I would like to protect my image of being perfect and superwoman in many situations and with the people I love most. I have not been in the place I’m in with my life, and I understand that I can’t be perfect; I have to be me.
Being me means not always speaking most respectfully, not always coming across as very educated, and sometimes means being challenged to deal with, trying to guess when I’m lying and when I’m telling the truth, and not being afraid of being labeled a bitch because that’s what I am. one of my biggest challenges are trying to make people believe that I’ve changed for the better, not the worst. I still have a mouth on me; yes, can I go off the deep end? Yes, I still struggle with communication regarding how to express myself more respectfully.
Still, I have no more reason to lie because, for many years, I tried to be perfect, and I wasn’t. As I get older, I care less than less about being perfect and more about being me, but it’s tough when you start something, and that’s all people see you as a liar.
The main reason why people see me the way they do or label me the way they do is because I gave them reasons to label me and see me the way they do. I acknowledge that I accept that, but what I won’t accept is to be victimized by my past that’s in my past, not in my future.
When certain people in my life hear me, don’t listen, but hear me speak on me being there for them or anybody else in my life, they automatically think, oh, she’s talking about money, and I’m not talking about money because many ways you can be there for people without money You can listen to them when they’re going through something you can be there at the most challenging moments in their lives and the happiest as well.
I learned a long time ago. That money keeps no one, and that money is just paper that goes away within 2 to 3 days. I should know I spend it like water, but when talking about being there for someone, I’m talking about being that person’s year.
Hence, they have someone to talk to if they want to talk or if they want to yell or vent or be those arms to make them feel safe, wanted, needed, desired, protected, or just being that face they could look into and know that they’re looking at someone that loves them just as much or maybe more than anybody else could ever.
Maybe I was brought up the wrong way, but I was brought up in a way that you don’t talk about me; you don’t show your emotions. And that seems funny because I’m very emotional, sometimes too emotional, and I don’t know how to hide my emotions because I always wear my emotions on my sleeves.
You could read it all over my face when something is wrong. I’m sad and happy because I show a big contradiction from what I said before. Still, I do not know how to hide when I’m happy, sad, or in love, not when my heart has been broken when I’ve lost someone I care about; that shit is hard to hide.
I am the type of person who, if you’re going through something, I’m going through it with you. I feel it. I experienced it slightly differently than anybody else, but I feel it; I live it.
But I tell myself I can’t break because I have to be vital for whoever is going through something at that particular moment in time. I never focus on myself because I like to make sure that everyone around me is OK and cared for before I can think about myself, and yes, I know that many people who know me would probably disagree with the statement I just made, but it’s true. I think about others before I think about myself.
Sometimes, I wish I could be selfish and think about myself and somebody else, but I don’t have it in me to be selfish; I like to give. Most people call that people-pleasing, but I call it giving.
I’m not expecting anything in return when I do things for others because I know God when my time comes, will bless me in the best way possible by allowing me to enter into his kingdom as the child that I am.
He won’t keep condemning me for my past because everyone has a past. No one is leaving this earth without one. Mine seems to hurt me every day of my life because every day of my life, I’m reminded of the pain caused by the troubles that I did. Still, as I said before, I won’t be victimized for my past.
My past is my past, my future is my future, whatever my future is, that is what it is going to be because that’s what I want to be if that means being alone for the rest of my life and dedicating myself to thinking that I love the most which are writing and of course, being around family then I’m OK with that I have to be and I need to be.
I need to have this conversation because if I don’t, I will continue to feel like I’m losing my mind.
This conversation should’ve happened years ago, but it’s better late than never. I guess I love someone who doesn’t love me.
Even though I know and I’ve heard that he no longer loves me, I still hold out hope that one-day things will turn around, but the reality is that will never happen.
It will never happen because of my childish mistake of not speaking and not long other to know how I was feeling or what I was missing, what I needed for that matter.
We had our chance to build our life together to build our futures as one. Still, I threw it all away without a second thought, so how dare I now, after so many years, ask for a chance I know I don’t deserve because I threw it away when I had it.
Now that I don’t have it, I know I don’t deserve it as Contradiction as that sounds it’s the truth in my heart of hearts; I know I don’t deserve that chance because not only did I embarrass myself, I destroyed us what should’ve been us forever.
Even though I’ve come to terms with the fact that we will never be the heart wants what it wants, and that’s what I struggle with is my heart.
My heart is still in twine into his because he feels like the home he knows me I can finish my sentence. He knows how I think before I know how I feel.
I know and understand that by everything I’m putting down on this piece of paper, people might think or feel like I don’t love myself because I’m holding on to someone who doesn’t love me the same way I love them. But I do love myself because I do comprehend that he will never love me the way that I love him.
I also understand that I deserve better and that I should let him go because I deserve happiness, and I will never get true happiness if I hold on to something that is not worthy of me.
Understanding all the things that I know, how can I still hold on to him if my life depended on him. In all honesty, I believe there’s something much more substantial than him and I that wall letting us part ways from each other or let me speak for myself won’t allow me to part ways from him; I have no clue what that might be.
I’m good. I’m OK. I”m fine. I am happy. A smile so no one wonders about my unwanted tears in my eyes constantly crying every night because I fear to say I’m not OK because in society says it’s not okay to say it’s not okay Please don’t make it OK within ourselves to say we’re not OK, so that’s why when people ask, are you OK? The quickest response we can say is yes; I’m OK even while the world around me is caving in, and I’m looking for a way out of me not being OK. Mine not being OK has nothing to do with people; it has to do with me and maybe not strong enough to say I’m not OK, But here now I’m permitting myself to say I’m not OK so anyone finds some self not being OK it’s OK not to be OK what’s wrong is not saying I’m not OK.
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 