I need a voice of reason. I’m desperately crying out for one right now. Whoever chooses to be my voice of reason has to be able to tell me what the fuck I’m doing so wrong and what is the right thing for me to do for myself so I no longer feel like I’m drowning. I’m drowning, and what is funny is just when I feel like I should find a final way to keep my head above water, so I no longer feel like I’m drowning; I keep making unreasonable mistakes so the water may pull me down. As much as I want to see above water, I can’t, or something bigger than me won’t allow seeing above water.
There is so much bullshit going on in the world beyond my heart. But I seriously can not help and feel like I’m losing my fucking mind because there is no off switch to my brain or way to erase who and what he was in my life. If I dare to erase that part of my life, even though it’s painful for me because my heart still loves very blindly, this type has taught me that I’m hell-strong and I was blessed to find my person and enjoy moments that no matter who might be crazy enough to step up and do better. It won’t happen. I firmly believe in people having one chance to find their person. I found my person from the moment we locked eyes. We had terrific moments. Even though we shared a wonderful moment, that wasn’t enough for me to ask for what I thought was best for the person I was back then because, back then, I refused to rock the boat. After rocking the boat the way I did, I came to terms with the fact the person I chose to let go of my person. It was too late to get back to the person in life. What made this person my person was: He studied me and knew who I was before I could figure out who I was for myself. Our love was one of a kind in our book because everything happened so quickly, and the best part about it was that everything we were was like a great puzzle piece.
I don’t want to fall in love. When I fall in love, I fall in hard. By loving as hard as I do, I’m able to love him with his scars, even with the broken heart he walked in. I don’t want to fall in love because I forget who I am anytime I find myself in love. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 