For a long time, I thought that lying was the right thing to do, but self-consciously, I knew it was the wrong thing to do because I knew wrong, and I knew the truth from a lie.
I found it easy to keep the truth from those I cared about and the kids about me. I felt if I was ever to be vulnerable with people about actual things that were happening. They wouldn’t look at me as being perfect or ideal.
So that’s why I would like to protect my image of being perfect and superwoman in many situations and with the people I love most. I have not been in the place I’m in with my life, and I understand that I can’t be perfect; I have to be me.
Being me means not always speaking most respectfully, not always coming across as very educated, and sometimes means being challenged to deal with, trying to guess when I’m lying and when I’m telling the truth, and not being afraid of being labeled a bitch because that’s what I am. one of my biggest challenges are trying to make people believe that I’ve changed for the better, not the worst. I still have a mouth on me; yes, can I go off the deep end? Yes, I still struggle with communication regarding how to express myself more respectfully.
Still, I have no more reason to lie because, for many years, I tried to be perfect, and I wasn’t. As I get older, I care less than less about being perfect and more about being me, but it’s tough when you start something, and that’s all people see you as a liar.
The main reason why people see me the way they do or label me the way they do is because I gave them reasons to label me and see me the way they do. I acknowledge that I accept that, but what I won’t accept is to be victimized by my past that’s in my past, not in my future.
When certain people in my life hear me, don’t listen, but hear me speak on me being there for them or anybody else in my life, they automatically think, oh, she’s talking about money, and I’m not talking about money because many ways you can be there for people without money You can listen to them when they’re going through something you can be there at the most challenging moments in their lives and the happiest as well.
I learned a long time ago. That money keeps no one, and that money is just paper that goes away within 2 to 3 days. I should know I spend it like water, but when talking about being there for someone, I’m talking about being that person’s year.
Hence, they have someone to talk to if they want to talk or if they want to yell or vent or be those arms to make them feel safe, wanted, needed, desired, protected, or just being that face they could look into and know that they’re looking at someone that loves them just as much or maybe more than anybody else could ever.
Maybe I was brought up the wrong way, but I was brought up in a way that you don’t talk about me; you don’t show your emotions. And that seems funny because I’m very emotional, sometimes too emotional, and I don’t know how to hide my emotions because I always wear my emotions on my sleeves.
You could read it all over my face when something is wrong. I’m sad and happy because I show a big contradiction from what I said before. Still, I do not know how to hide when I’m happy, sad, or in love, not when my heart has been broken when I’ve lost someone I care about; that shit is hard to hide.
I am the type of person who, if you’re going through something, I’m going through it with you. I feel it. I experienced it slightly differently than anybody else, but I feel it; I live it.
But I tell myself I can’t break because I have to be vital for whoever is going through something at that particular moment in time. I never focus on myself because I like to make sure that everyone around me is OK and cared for before I can think about myself, and yes, I know that many people who know me would probably disagree with the statement I just made, but it’s true. I think about others before I think about myself.
Sometimes, I wish I could be selfish and think about myself and somebody else, but I don’t have it in me to be selfish; I like to give. Most people call that people-pleasing, but I call it giving.
I’m not expecting anything in return when I do things for others because I know God when my time comes, will bless me in the best way possible by allowing me to enter into his kingdom as the child that I am.
He won’t keep condemning me for my past because everyone has a past. No one is leaving this earth without one. Mine seems to hurt me every day of my life because every day of my life, I’m reminded of the pain caused by the troubles that I did. Still, as I said before, I won’t be victimized for my past.
My past is my past, my future is my future, whatever my future is, that is what it is going to be because that’s what I want to be if that means being alone for the rest of my life and dedicating myself to thinking that I love the most which are writing and of course, being around family then I’m OK with that I have to be and I need to be.
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 