It’s another late night for me, with my mind running away without knowing if I will ever stop running.
Apart from hopes, I will stop running because I need a mental break; this is when balance is key for all my thoughts and actions.
Balance is so important to me right now because, with balance, I can find such a firm peace with myself that things that I struggled with I have allowed to roll off my back. I want it to be like second nature sooner rather than later.
That would mean other people would not disturb the peace of mind I am building for myself.
I had to make 1,000,001 mistakes to finally understand how strong I am and how worthy I am of who I am because of what I’ve been through in my life. I wouldn’t say I like giving people credit for helping me become who I am today, but who I am today is not who I was yesterday. I always thought I felt like I needed a man to feel complete or to feel accomplished, but I don’t. I know that I don’t because, once upon a time, I was stripped away from everything I thought would find me as a person and partner. Still, I’m so far away from the person I was, and I’m even shocked to say I’m so proud of myself for coming as far as I’ve come.
It’s great when you have someone to share your life with, and you can have pillow talks at night with that person Because that’s supposed to be your person. Still, it’s also OK to be alone and discover who you are without someone, and who I am is someone powerful, very determined, very outgoing, willing to learn and make mistakes and admit to them when they get done. I’m not perfect.
I have a mouth. I struggle to ask for help because my disability makes me feel like a burden, so asking for help makes me feel like more of a burden. The last thing I want to do is be anyone’s burden, but I’ve learned throughout my journey that if you don’t ask for help, Things will fall apart because everyone needs help.
Everyone deserves help. There’s a difference between helping and handing everything to that person. You can help someone help themselves.
You don’t have to hand them everything for you to help them. I’ve learned that helping me doesn’t mean handling things. It means Just helping me by guiding me and giving me advice whether I ask for it why not. Through my journey of self discovery I’ve learned that I’m OK with myself.
I don’t always have to like myself, but I do have to be OK with myself and right now where I’m at in my life. I’m OK with my self because I know what it’s like to rely on myself and no one else.
At the beginning, it was overwhelming and it still can be overwhelming sometimes, but I have to keep reminding myself I can and I will do what I have to do for myself because if I don’t do it for myself, then there is no purpose to do what I want to do With myself all my life because I’m not doing it for the right reason.
Life should not be about pleasing others. Life should be about living the way I wanna live and discover and be fearless as I’m living the life. I want to live not the life.
Everybody else wants me to live. I’m not gonna lie. I know the reason why my family keeps me in a bubble Because if they’re willing to do things for me, I’m gonna allow them to do them for me not because I can’t do it myself, but because they’re willing to do it for me and that’s my mistake is allowing them to do things that I can do for myself.
That’s why they don’t believe in my independence from them because I’ve had them cater to me for 43 years and now that I’m trying to break free and I’m going to break free With God‘s will. Ms. Butterfly GENESIS
Please my mind Please my soul Please my heart And then you can please my body with the connection like no other of two souls becoming one. A link that no man or woman is strong enough to break because it’s a connection you and I only share. No one will ever know or understand our inside jokes, And most importantly, no one will know your deepest secret.
Suppose I ever lose you for whatever reason, whether it’s my fault or just life happening.
In that case, I’ll be losing my dear diary, the one that holds me and doesn’t let go, the one who understands without judgment, the one that’s not afraid to tell me the truth when I need to hear it and even then when I don’t need to listen to it as well.
So thank you for giving me time to discover who I am and what I want to be as long as I continue on this earth with you, and as I continue on this earth with you, all I know is I want to continue being a better me. Ms. Butterfly Genesis
I don’t know to feel today, but all I know is I feel like a ball of emotions. Today is one of those days that pass me by, and I have no clue where it will end.
I would love to set straight if I have been on this journey of self-discovery, and the most important thing I have learned about myself is that I am finally at peace with myself, and I don’t give a fuck who likes me. But unfortunately, I am not usually the one that handles it to be appreciated by the world because I understand I am not going to everyone’s cup of tea.
I have to enjoy who I am right now and who I am today as someone who has every day struggled to find the strength to fight for myself. Finally, coming to terms that the world is always going to have its opinion about me, and if I am going to survive this ugly world, I need other’s opinions people to roll off my back. Yet, I continue to push forward with life like nothing is bothering me.
If I allow other thoughts of who I am or who I should get to me, I won’t be valid to the person I am trying to become, and that person is someone who needs to be at peace with herself and owes no one any type of explanation of who or what I am doing with myself.
It’s your birthday today. I know would like to be wishing you a happy birthday
It’s been three years since you’ve been gone, and it has not gotten way easier to deal with you not being here.
Happy birthday. Thousand times over, happy birthday, I miss you like crazy one of my many wishes for you would be happiness and more love than you can handle.
I want to be selfish and have God grant me a wish of hearing your voice one last time, or I wish God could allow me to wish you a happy birthday in person.
I never saw you crumble; I never saw you come loose or lose it.
All I ever saw was a smiling face and a heart bigger than anyone could handle.
Some days are more complex than others, but the way I managed to get those harrowing days is by looking at pictures that you and I would constantly exchange every chance we would have to speak.
A simple picture does not do it; you should be here celebrating another year of life with everyone that loves you. But, instead, I had to light a candle and scream happy birthday, hoping that you would hear me.
I’m angry that you are not here.
I’m angry that I could not call you at midnight.
I’m angry that God blessed me with the chance to see my 40th, but it was super easy to rob someone more deserving than myself away from that opportunity of hitting such a milestone.
I know if you are not in the physical world with all of us. Heaven will be the place to celebrate one of God’s top angels. So all I can ask for is that you do it big.
While we are resting, hold on to your memories and love. Happy Birthday, Big Head. Miss you so much
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 