Pen and paper is the only way I can communnot notith you right now .
Pendant paper is the only way I can allow not nott to break and cries those unwanted tears. I’ve been holding back for so long by choice.
Pen and paper is the only way I truly see myself and my heart whether it’s breaking or weather is being held on by a string, but whatever it is, this is the only way I can show it.
Goddamn, how I wish you were here to see and hear everything no I don’t want you to decide with me because I know you won’t. I know his blood so he takes priority.
I just wish you were here to listen, and then of course side with him one of the very last conversations you and I ever had was about set individual and you asked me if I ever thought about reuniting our lives together and I told you I would give anything and everything to make that happen. But your girl was wrong. I couldn’t do it or I wouldn’t do it because of fear of things blowing up again in my face I love and I love hard and there’s no other way I know how to love.
I guess what I’m trying to let you know without going in circles is that I fucked up again but this time I acknowledge that I fucked up because he asked me for one simple thing and I believe that I asked him for one simple thing, but neither one of those simple things could’ve been met by either one of us Honestly girl when I was with him, I enjoyed every moment every second of every time we could be together I didn’t waste it and you how I know I didn’t waste it because every time I went home I couldn’t wait till the next time we were together, but what made it cheap for me was that I knew it was just a moment and in that moment, I was looking for more than just a moment but once again scary cat me couldn’t or did not know how to say that without making such subject so uncomfortable. I never wanted to ruin the moments talking about feelings and what I needed from the subject but sometimes I couldn’t help myself. I went off on impulse and I just opened myself up and said I loved you and I know now that you’re my person.
No, now I’m sitting on my bed right into you because it’s the only way I can communicate with you and I’m never going to stop saying how much I fucking miss you and I know, and you should be disappointed in me because I feel like besides letting myself down once again After so much prayer of hoping that me and said subject could ever be it didn’t happen and it did not happen because of me because even though things happen so long ago, I live certain memories in my head anytime I would see that subject and I would wonder what I was doing with that subject if I felt the way that I did and the way that I felt was empty .
Empty because I was afraid to allow myself to feel anything but at the same time I was lying to myself because I did feel I just didn’t feel the right feelings at the right moment I felt anger I felt deception. I felt disappointment. I would always ask myself on the way home . How the fuck can I continue to do with this when I know that my heart was covered with pain, rage and confusion and most importantly love..
Is it too much to ask for the subject to pour as much love as I was pouring onto them? I guess it was because even though they say my mouth that they forgive me for all the stupidity that I ever did it felt like they didn’t because at times they were unbelievably stoic with me. It was like somebody else was with me And not not the person I was used to period like I said when we last saw each other and spoke to each other over the phone. I believe you were the only one rooting for us to get back what we had to preserve it and if we got that second chance Not to look back or to pay attention to things the people would’ve said, and I’m sorry that I let you down. I’m even sorry that I let myself down but I’ve come to realize that the word sorry it’s just a Band-Aid and I’m tired of being covered in Band-Aids. I don’t wanna be covered in Band-Aids anymore. I want to be free of Band-Aids and I hope you understand that being free of Band-Aids is being free of him even though my heart wants what it wants and it wants said subject, but I’m just a big fuck up and I can’t continue saying I’m sorry and continue to do the same bullshit over and over again expecting for four subject to forgive me just because I said I was sorry when and only when someone is really sorry they would never do anything to cause anyone
I also have to let you in on a little secret. He hasn’t been the same since you’ve been gone, but of course I don’t need to tell you that because you were were his own personal diary and you took a lot of of his dirty secrets with you even how he felt about me Those years we spent without speaking to one another honestly, I wish you were here for so many reasons that we won’t get into right now, but one of the most important reasons I wish you were here is so sad subject could have life back into his heart because I’m clueless on how he’s made it this long Without you. For me it’s been a true nightmare, not having you around to talk to to see to laugh to make plans with I miss you and no one will ever take your place in my heart and I hope nobody takes my place in your heart. I love you And I’ll talk to you soon. I don’t know how soon but I’ll talk to you again because I hear you screaming your head off probably cussing me out and I deserve it..
I love you big head and I hope as you’re up there looking down on all of us you teach me not to forget but to forgive myself because that is my biggest pet peeve and struggle. I’ve never learned how to forgive myself. I can forgive others for doing me dirty , but I can’t forgive myself, which takes away the purpose of forgiving others because I have to be able to forgive myself in order for me to forgive others and I’m ass backwards. You should know that I shouldn’t have to tell you well either way I love you and I miss you and I hope That wherever you are you’re still watching over all of us why wow we try our very best to keep living..
Ms. Butterfly Genesis
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 