I don’t know where to begin, but I must say something. Something is better than nothing. And this—this is everything I’ve been holding in.
I miss you. Unbelievably. More than my heart can contain. Yes, life keeps moving, but it’s harder now. Harder to start the day. Harder without our girl talks, the ones that made everything feel lighter.
I never wanted to disappoint you. But I know I did, while you were still in the physical world. Still, my intention—always—was to make you proud. Proud of me. Proud of the relationship we built, year after year, moment after moment.
And even now, I feel you. In every step I take. In every decision, good or bad. You’re still here, in some strange, beautiful way.
I know there’s only one thing you’ve ever wanted: To see your family grow. To watch love expand in ways you never got to witness. And I know you’re watching. I know you’re still hoping.
So this is my apology. To you. To the version of me that let fear win. I’m sorry for disappointing you. I’m sorry for not taking the opportunity you gave me on the other side. I’m sorry for self-sabotaging something I wanted so deeply.
But maybe everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason is love. Maybe the reason is growth. Maybe the reason is that we all want the same thing: For him to become the best version of himself. For him to find his person. And he did.
So as you look down from wherever you are, Please—make sure his dreams come true. Please—keep guiding me, even when I stumble. Please—know that I love you. And I miss you more than anything in this world.
In the silence of our shared dreams, Where time stands still, or so it seems. Our forever was cut short too soon, Underneath the watchful eye of the moon.
Anger burned, a relentless flame, At you, at life, at God’s own game. Why you? The question echoed starkly, Leaving me alone in the dark.
But time, the healer, showed me light, To accept the day follows the night. It wasn’t your choice to leave, nor mine, In the grand design, we’re just a line.
Now peace has settled, gentle, kind, In the acceptance that I find. You live in me, in every breath, In love that knows no bounds of death.
Our time was brief, a fleeting dance, But in my heart, you’ll always have a chance. To be my forever, in memories so bright, Shining like stars on the blackest night.
Your birthday came and went, and I couldn’t even focus on writing you a simple post like I usually do on your birthday and the day of your anniversary.
Writing would be easier because all I have left is a pen and paper to communicate with you.
I hate that the only way I can communicate with you is through paper and pen, but I’ll settle so that I can talk to you, and maybe one day, you send me a sign that you’re reading what I’m writing to you.
There are so many things that I lay up later that night wondering how we would have celebrated you and shown you that we loved you and they were blessed to have you, even if it is just you being an angel; there are so many things that I lay up later that night wondering how would we have celebrated you and showed you that we loved.
I’m assuming you get tired of listening to us tell you how much we miss and love you and wish you were still here with us so you could be enjoying every moment and every second the way we are so that we could feel complete.
I will share a little secret with you, even though I know nothing is a secret, because you can see everything from where you are. I’ve been made to feel like your departure shouldn’t hurt me or that I shouldn’t consider you my sister-in-law because I’m no longer married to your knucklehead brother. It kills me when anyone says she wasn’t family to you and we were family because you and I would always consider ourselves sister-in-laws no matter how much time went by.
I had no clue that for me to feel your departure, you and I had to have blood running through our veins, the same blood for me to fill anything from your departure. To this day, I’m still waiting for anyone to wake me up from the nightmare of you not being here and me not being able to pick up the phone and hear your voice or send you a funny text message and wait for you to respond.
It’s a nightmare when your birthday comes around because I have no one to call to wish her a happy birthday and tell you. I’ll see you soon. Besides that, I have no one to gossip with, no one to share my feelings with, or just plain laugh with.
If I had a genie in a bottle, they could make my three wishes come true. You would be number one, and for one reason only: you would be number one, and for one reason only, you would be number one because you have left so many people with many questions and answers we will never get. And I want to see you one last time.
I know I shouldn’t question your departure, and I’m not going to, but that doesn’t mean I’m not mad as hell, and the only reason why I’m mad as hell is that as much as I heard your voice that last day that has never been enough for me.
The other reason is that your brother doesn’t know what to do with himself without you here. I no longer want to see him in pain, and I know if you were here, he wouldn’t be in as much pain as he is in right now; he wouldn’t be questioning life if you were here.
I know you did not mean to leave your family, your children, but you left them with a lot of unanswered questions, and I just fucking miss you. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I miss you.
I want you here so I can know that I can pick up a phone and hear your voice at the end of the other line.
I love and miss you, and you will forever be my sister-in-law, no matter who, no matter who doesn’t like it.
On another birthday without her, people would think I would be over it & I would see her birthday as another day.
She has been gone four years, and I still feel unsettled with her not being here celebrating her birthday.
I miss that I can’t pick up the phone & give her all my well wishes or tell her that I’ll see her soon.
I will always be grateful for her and the fantastic friendship we were blessed to have.
I miss you more than words can say, but I wanted to believe you had a bigger purpose with our heavenly father.
As much as I would like to know what those purposes are for our heavenly father to take you from us, I have come to terms with the fact that I will never understand those reasons because I want to be selfish and have you with me and everyone else who loves you.
The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly 