Showing Up While Carrying More Than Usual
This morning didn’t feel like my usual mornings.
Not because anything went wrong…
but because something inside me felt off.
And when you’ve built a system for yourself—
when you’ve created structure, discipline, and consistency—
you can feel the difference immediately.
My 8 AM post went out.
My 9 AM post went out.
From the outside, everything looked the same.
But internally?
I knew I wasn’t showing up the way I normally do.
And for a moment, I questioned myself.
I thought…
“Am I slipping?”
“Am I not showing up like I should?”
“Is this what falling off looks like?”
But the truth is…
I’m not off track.
I’m just carrying more today.
This weekend was emotional.
And I didn’t fully process it before stepping into Monday.
April has a way of doing that to me.
It’s a month that holds memories.
April 23, 2018—
the day my sister-in-law passed away.
April 24, 2008—
the day I thought I married my person.
Those dates don’t control me the way they used to…
but they still live somewhere inside of me.
And I’ve learned something I didn’t understand before:
Acknowledging those dates doesn’t mean I’m not healing.
It means I am.
Because healing isn’t about pretending something didn’t matter.
It’s about learning how to carry it differently.
And today…
I can feel it.
Not in a way that’s breaking me…
but in a way that’s present.
There’s something else I’ve realized too.
Holding myself accountable—
really holding myself accountable—
comes with emotion.
No one talks about that part.
We talk about discipline like it’s supposed to feel strong, controlled, and perfect.
But accountability also means:
You notice when you’re not fully aligned.
You feel when something is slightly off.
You can’t hide from yourself anymore.
And that awareness?
It’s uncomfortable sometimes.
Today feels like I’m watching myself from the outside.
I’m still showing up.
Still posting.
Still doing what I said I would do.
But it doesn’t feel the same.
And instead of judging that…
I’m learning to understand it.
Because maybe this is what real discipline looks like.
Not showing up perfectly.
Not feeling like a “boss” every second of the day.
But continuing anyway.
Today, I’m not forcing energy I don’t have.
I’m not pretending everything feels light.
I’m not overriding what’s real.
I’m just allowing myself to be where I am…
while still moving forward.
This is a quieter kind of strength.
A more honest kind.
And maybe that’s the part of growth we don’t talk about enough.
Not the moments where everything is aligned and flowing…
but the moments where you feel off…
and still choose to show up.
If you’re in a space like that today—
where you’re not fully “in it”
but you’re still trying—
you’re not behind.
You’re not failing.
You’re just carrying more than usual.
And you’re still here.
— Ms.Butterfly Genesis
The Becoming Of Ms. Butterfly Genesis 
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