The Becoming Of Ms. Butterfly Genesis

The Right to Feel Both | Growth, Gratitude & Change

There are mornings when the sun feels louder than my thoughts.

This morning was one of them.

The light pushed through my window like it had something to prove…
like it was reminding me that life is still moving, even when I feel still.

And for a moment, I sat there in between two truths.

Gratitude… and grief.

I thought about my mother.

How for my entire life, she showed up in ways most people will never understand.
How even when we argued, even when I felt like she didn’t give me the space to be fully myself…
she always met me exactly where I was.

Every single time.

And now… things are changing.

Not because she wants them to…
but because time doesn’t ask for permission.

And that realization sits heavy.

Because I find myself missing something that still exists…
just not in the same way.

I used to know—without thinking—that I would be taken care of at the end of the day.
Now, I have to think about it.

Now, I have to feel it.

Now, I have to face it.

And that’s where the grief comes in.

Not because my life hasn’t been lived…

But because I know there’s still more life in me that wants to be lived.

I’m 44 years old.

And somewhere inside of me, there’s still a version of myself that wants to explore,
that wants to experience,
that wants to move freely through the world and through life.

And sometimes…

that version of me looks around and wonders why things feel so different now.

But here’s the truth I had to sit with this morning:

I am allowed to feel both.

I am allowed to be grateful for everything I’ve had…
and still grieve what is changing.

I am allowed to honor the life I’ve lived…
and still desire more from the life I have.

That doesn’t make me ungrateful.

That makes me aware.

And maybe that’s what becoming really looks like…

Not choosing one emotion over the other…

But learning how to sit in the space where both exist.