The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly

I am mad at myself because I’m 40 years old disabled, and I still live with my mother.

I’m at a point in my life where I can’t even stand being with myself because I’m aggravated at the fact that it seems like I will never get the chance to know what it’s like to be independent.

I know that I will never be 100% independent because of my limitations.

One of my biggest fantasies is having a place I can call my own; then I can make my own rules come as I, please go with that please and not have to worry about the woman that gave me life things up waiting for me to put me back into bed.

Like I said in the first few lines when I first started rambling, I know I’m never going to be 100% independent.

I’m always going to need someone to be by my side to get along with my days and nights, but I still would want something that’s mine that would be a significant accomplishment for me.

It would be such an accomplishment for me because I doubt that it will happen for me one day, and I have the rest of the world letting me know that I will never find that independence that I am so desperately looking for within myself.

Keys inside my door.
In my own space where I could set my own rules, I know that I have no one to answer to at the end of the day but myself.

Freedom from A life of someone else micromanaging every move, every decision you should be able to make on your own but don’t because you don’t want to step over anybody’s toes.

I was having something of your knowledge and understanding the struggle it took to get it, but worth it because no one can take it away from you.

You have the guts to step out on your own while everyone else around you is praying that you fail.

Also, understand that once you step foot outside the bubble that has protected you for 40+ years, you can’t go back to no matter how hot it gets out in the real world because not only do you have something to prove to yourself, but you have something to prove to the world.

I choose to say world because when it comes to the disabled community, the world hasn’t been very understanding and very friendly to us.
The world has never made us feel a part of them; they’ve always tried to put it in the corner where we’re not seen or heard. It’s time for that to change, and the only way it’s going to change is if we continue to fight for independence away from all loved ones and even institutions that try to keep us from living quarters’ entire everyday lives.

I want my own because I know and understand that my mother won’t be around for me physically for the rest of my life, and yes, I have siblings. Still, as much as I love them and they love me, no matter how much of a bitch I am, I need something of mine.

I need to do it now while she is still alive and can see it for herself, but even though I need help with everyday living, I can live on my own because I can handle my own business.

I don’t want to do it after she’s gone. I need it, and I want it now.

I know her biggest fear when she is no longer with me is that no one will take care of me the way she does.

She’s right; nobody will take care of me the way she does, but she needs to understand that with her or without her, I have to get my life, and the only way I can do that is by breaking free.

I’m taking a step out in the real world without her.

If, in the end, it is a mistake, so be it, but it’s my mistake to make; she can’t protect me and will save me forever.

So I need to learn how to do those things for myself.

Ms. Butterfly Genesis 🇩🇴