The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly

Dear Ms. Butterfly Genesis,

I’m sorry.

I know that sounds strange coming from me—to me—but I mean it. I mean it in every way a heart can mean something. I’m sorry for the years I spent believing I had to earn love by being flawless. For the way I buried my own needs beneath the weight of other people’s comfort. For the times I made myself small so others wouldn’t feel threatened by my light.

I’m sorry for not prioritizing myself. Thank you for covering up the wrongs others did to me to keep the peace. For thinking that peace meant silence, and silence meant safety. I know now that it didn’t. I now realize that I deserved to be protected, not just by others, but by myself.

I’m sorry for the pressure I placed on myself to be perfect, for chasing an image of flawlessness when I was already whole, even in my brokenness. I was terrified of my flaws, but they were never the enemy. They were the map, the truth, the proof that I was human, healing, and worthy.

I’m sorry for loving others before I learned to love myself. For pouring into people who never once asked if I was empty. For mistaking survival for strength, and silence for grace. I forgive myself for not knowing better. I forgive myself for learning the hard way.

And I thank myself for surviving, for showing up, for still believing in love, even when it hurt, for being brave enough to write this, and for being brave enough to heal.

This is not the end of my apology. It’s the beginning of my forgiveness.

With love,
Me