The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly

I began my blog because I needed a safe space to express myself and my feelings without judgment. I’ve felt physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted in the last few months.
I feel like no matter what I do with my life or don’t do with my life, someone has something to say, and I’m just tired. I’m tired of feeling like I have to explain all my actions so that later on, I don’t need to deal with anyone’s reaction.

Sometimes I feel like being a part of this physical world can be overwhelming because I have others negatively beat me down mentally and emotionally beating me.
I have taken every negative thing that people have said to my face or have made me feel about myself to make me a more robust and a better writer.

On a serious note, I’m tired of trying to prove my abilities while the rest of the world refuses my growth as a woman. At this point, I’m like fuck everyone who is not with me and who hasn’t been with me in a long time.

I want to live, but I want to live my own life without having the commentary in the background, making me feel like I have no idea what I’m doing?
So what if I don’t know what I’m doing?

Part of living is making mistakes and growing from and learning from them, and becoming a better person.
Many people say I’m still the same person I was back then; I’m no different, but I know I’m different because I’m older, and I understand a lot more than I did.

I don’t know, but I still have people wanting to stop my growth, and I wouldn’t say I like that.
I have earned the right to live a life I can be proud of despite my disability. Whether the world feels I’ve done enough to get out of a particular situation I’m in or not, that’s their fucking problem, not mine.

I know what I’m trying to do for myself, and no one else should matter or get in my way of accomplishing my goals. I also understand that a billion people can stand in my way, but if I genuinely want to see my dreams come to life, I will make it happen.

I’m mad at myself when I allow people’s commentaries to get under my skin when I know they have no idea what type of life I’m living and what I truly desire with all of my heart.
Besides good health and a good spiritual connection with God, I want my independence.

However, I understand that I won’t be fully independent because of my limitations.
I deserve to have a life where nobody comments about anything I want to do with my life.
I turn around, and someone comments or makes me feel stupid for even attempting to have an everyday life.

I wouldn’t trade my disability for anything in the world because I know my disability has opened many doors for me to do different things and reach people in many different ways.

At the same time, the only thing I would change is more mobility so that I could do things independently.
If I had the mobility, I would not have to kiss anyone’s ass to have a decent life. What
I’m living it’s like a child’s life because my parent refuses to see me as an adult. After all, I have been a wheelchair user, and no matter what is harmful to me, that part of me will not change.

I will always be that child, but deep down inside, I don’t want to be seen as a child. I’m a grown-ass woman if I wish to lay down with someone or have a good time alone. I should be able to do so without feeling like the world will point its finger at me.
I’ve been in a very dark place, and I have to deal with a human that doesn’t walk a mile in my shoes every time.

It makes it that much worse, but I get mad at myself instead of them because why am I going to let them get to me.
They don’t know what I go through mentally or physically. I’m the only one who understands it, and the only reason why I don’t give up on life is that I love doing what I do.
Blogging has allowed me to share my life with y’all, and I hope I’m inspiring others with my stories.

The exact words encourage people as she uses them on me more often, especially when I feel like there’s no way out. When I know there is a way off, I have to be willing to fight for my way out.

I’ve been trying for the last 40 years to get out so I can run free and not feel like a rope around my neck is holding me back.

I don’t apologize for ranting and raving the way I am because my blog is the safest place for me to let myself be who I am. Who am I? Right now am a very pissed human being because I allowed someone to get under my skin instead of being a bigger and better person.

Ms. Butterfly Genesis