The Memoir Of Ms. Butterfly

Trigger words for me are:
You are starting to feel heavy.
You are fat.
You need to talk to someone who can help you.

These are all the things that put me in a lousy headspace because it’s a constant reminder of how little I can do for myself, and no matter how much control I would love to have over my body, I am demanding because of this damn disability.

I’ve always struggled with control because I’ve always wanted control over myself, but I don’t have control over many things that I have to do with me because of my circumstances.

So the only thing I have control over was the food that I put in my mouth and food I’ve never had; another will never have a good relationship.

Food and I have a tolerating relationship because I need food to survive, and I struggle to enjoy food because food makes me feel ugly and unwanted?

Food also leaves the door open for people to make comments that get to me like I’m fat, I’m chubby.

It isn’t easy to move me from place to place food is always a nightmare come true that I wish I can wake up from, but I’m not able to do that because food is not my body’s best friend.

Food is like a battlefield feel field with enemy lines trying against me and not for me, and I have no clue how to fight those enemy lines between me and food.

I don’t want anyone reading this to think or feel that I don’t love myself just the way I am because I do.

I have an internal struggle with myself: I don’t have control over everything in my everyday life. For example, I always felt like I handled food until I was spinning out of control, and I had no idea how to get back to a positive road.

I have found a way to get back onto the positive road, but I’m not going to lie; the internal struggle is 100% real and unbelievable sometimes. I know for me, I can’t allow anyone to get into my head for me to be able to beat my internal struggles.